alone in the bathroom
Gwen knew she had fucked up
It was inevitable, none of her relationships lasted
She wasn't supposed to last
In every other universe Gwen Stacy dies after falling for spiderman
At the expense of her living, peter died
At the expense of her thriving, Miles suffered
Well thriving was a strong word
After joining the spider society, all she wanted was to see Miles again, to see his childish innocent happiness. All she wanted was to know that he was ok, that he had improved, that he still remembered her.
The look on Miles’ face once he realised that she could’ve visited him haunts her every waking thought.
The betrayal she caused is something she'd never forgive herself for.
The innocence of the friend she once had will never be the same.
And she hated herself for it.
After Miles had gone back to his universe, after the Miles Morales chase. After everything, she went home, ran to her room, past her dad and ignoring him, slammed her door and sobbed.
She sobbed and sobbed, Gwen sobbed until she physically couldn’t anymore. She soon passed out, still in her suit, her hair sprawled over her face and bed.
As the sun rose, she shifted in her sleep, the sunlight peeking from under the blinds, cascading over her exhausted body. Gwen groaned as she slowly rubbed her eyes, sitting up as she did so. The sun glaring in her eyes as she opened them. She looked down at the mess that is her body.
God is that really how she looks?
Ugh she's pathetic.
She let herself adjust to the morning light before sliding off her bed, slipping out of her suit into a tank top and shorts and stumbled her way over to the bathroom. She rubs her eyes and looks at herself in the mirror, dark bags contrast against her pale skin and eyes. She bit at the flakes of skin on her lips, the slight taste of blood fills her mouth.
She’d forgotten what it felt like to have the slight tinge of pain and the whispering taste of blood in her mouth, she’d forgotten how she spent days locked in her bed and bathroom, begging her dad for another day off school, begging him to not open the door. She would’ve given anything to not let him see her like that, falling apart at the seams, not to see the mess that she had made, the bloody tissues scattered around the room, the the clumps of hair she had pulled out in her raging pits of distress.
She’d forgotten, some might say that means she had gotten better, grew past it. Not her, it means she got too comfortable, too used to having it good. The ignorance she had to just be happy, it was selfish, the way she went around happily, reconnected with her dad, made friends with the other spiders.
Selfish
That's all she is, selfish.
Gwen continued to stare at her reflection, no, glare at her reflection. She despised what stared back, an hateful selfish snake.
She had hurt her best and only friend. Why should she deserve anything nice after that? How could she possibly get redemption? People like her didn't deserve good things, but there is no one like her.
Gwen is alone, all alone.
She pulled at the dry skin on her lips, it teared and bled ever so slightly, the barely noticeable pain that followed filled her with an unexplainable sense of relaxation, she deserved it, she needed worse.
She slammed her palms down onto the countertop as hard as she could, the sudden jolt of pain reminded her of what she wanted.
Pain
The pain she deserves.
Looking down at her body, the faint pale lines cascade down her arms and thighs, some more noticeable than others. Gwen ran her fingers along the scars on her wrist, the tactile scars brought her a small sense of relief, they were still there, they were still bad. All of her previous cuts had healed, most had faded except for the bad ones, they won't fade, not for a long while.
Gwen longed for the release that the pain brought her.
She absentmindedly walked over to the cabinet. Her dad had locked it for her safety, however she knew how to open it. After picking the lock, she found the pack of razors her dad used to shave. Grabbing one out she locked the cabinet and walked back over to the sink.
The few steps back were shaky, the floor looked like it was moving. Gwen brought her free hand up to her temple and began to bash the side of her head in with the base of her palm. The pounding feeling in her skull reset her senses, the floor stopped moving and her vision cleared.
Gwen faced herself in the mirror, razor blade in hand, she scanned her reflection for empty space to fill with brand new cuts. She scanned over her forearms, upper and lower thighs. She decided on her shoulder, she knew it was unconventional, but it was easier to hide with jackets and cardigans.
Gwen didn't know why she did what she did, she didn't exactly have an acceptable reason. Everyone says that people hurt themselves to release stress or to help make sense of complicated emotions, but she didn't do it because of that.
The razor was barely touching the skin on her shoulder when she took a deep breath and dug the razor into her skin, dragging it along in a quick motion. The blood began to slowly pool out of the cut, first in small dots before overflowing and spilling down her shoulder.
She wished she did it the way she’d seen in movies, where they blacked out and came back, covered in cuts. She wished she were more stereotypical with her harming.
She waited for the blood to slow before wiping it off and dragging the blade across her skin a couple more times, each cut she made, each dumb decision she made, she’d stare herself in the mirror, watching the blood fall down, hating herself for being the way she is.
Gwen hated the way she was, how she could never be the friend she wanted or that she had such bad habits. Gwen just wanted to have the dream teenage life. She wanted to be able to go out with friends when she wanted, to have time to herself, not need to hurt herself to function.
But here she was, razor in hand, shoulder dripping blood, all alone in her bathroom. She wanted so badly to be able to be normal, to not hate herself.
After the blood had finally stopped, Gwen decided it was probably for the best if she were to take a break, at least for the moment. Putting the blade back into its case, she unlocked her dads cabinet once more, placing the razor back like nothing had happened. She found some spare gauze and bandage tape, she used some tissues to wipe up the dried blood (not a good idea) before doing her idea of dressing the wounds (putting gauze on and calling it a day).
The mess Gwen made had been cleared up, she left her bathroom and decided that doing anything was too exhausting. She threw herself face first onto her bed and laid there until she eventually fell asleep.