Winter Widow One Shots

His hand shook as he tried to write the letter. All he wanted to do was express his feelings to Nat, give her something to go back to. Tell her it was okay to move on all that normal stuff every one is supposed to say when they die. He tried to hold the pen steady but the words looked shaky and unreadable. He groaned in frustration, which only brought more pain through his head. He dropped the pen and pushed the table away from his bed. The pen rolled off with the motion and was lost some where in the room

He'd been laying in the bed for almost a week now. His lost time didn't mean much . He didn't do anything. Occasionally he'd flip through channels on the television with the volume low or more often times muted. Natalia almost always fell asleep in the chair next to him. A small piece of furniture, not meant for sleeping on. He'd asked Tony to bring in a cot for her, but she wouldn't use it. She wanted to be closer to him. On his good nights she could sleep next to him but since coming that had only happened twice.

He couldn't remember the last time he didn't have a head ache pulsing through his mind. He spent most of his time with the lights dimmed and his eyes closed to try and keep the pain at bay. They had him on medicine most of the time but the serum pushed through it quickly. Cons of being a super soldier he supposed. If only it helped with the pain he was dealing with now instead of fighting off the things that might make it more manageable.

"You should have told me." The red head stood in the doorway of the room that had become home to him. She held something in her hands but he couldn't quite make it out. Her hair covered most of her face as she stared at what ever it was.

"I know... I'm sorry. I wasn't sure how. I thought we could figure things out. Then I could tell you but I'd have a solution." He tried to focus on her, black spots darted across his vision when he narrowed his eyes. They had had this conversation before hadn't they? He knew he was blacking out a lot but surely he was able to remember the things when he was awake.

She took a couple steps in eyes still focused on the item in her hands. "I would have said yes, you know."

His eyes shot open the black spots dancing wildly forcing him to close them tightly before he could reply to her. "What are you talk- The ring..."

He'd asked Steve to find the ring box before she could. He didn't want her finding it. He wasn't sure when or if she would. But he didn't want her to have more pain. Steve had left earlier that morning to find it while Natalia was supposed to be meeting with Stark while he did it. He hadn't heard from the solider since but had assumed all went well. Obviously not.

"You know Steve can't keep a secret from me. He isn't trained like we are." She opened the box and sat in the chair next to his bed. "It's beautiful."

A simple silver band. Nothing crazy, not even a diamond. He had wanted something she could wear on missions. Something that wouldn't get in the way. It didn't mean she would wear it, but she would have the choice to. It would fit under her gloves with no issue. She pulled it from the box and smiled when she saw the engraving. 'Forever'

"I'd still say yes if you asked James."

His heart stopped and he fumbled to find the remote to raise his bed into a sitting position. "Nat..."

"James, I love you. I have since the first time I pinned you. This, whatever this is that you're dealing with. It doesn't change that. I'd marry you today if you asked me to. I'd rather a day as your wife than being left with no connection after you're gone."

He reached with his shaky hand to take the ring. Forcing himself to sit on his own he swung his legs off the edge of the bed and took her hand in his. Oh how he wished he had the strength to kneel down. To do it properly. Take her on a nice date like he planned. Somewhere private, out of the public eye. Preferably wearing anything but old sweats and a stained tee shirt. But he didn't have that luxury now. "Natalia Alianova Romanova, having you as my wife would be the greatest pleasure of my life. However short or long it may be."

She stood and tried to push him back down. He pushed back with what little strength he had. "Will you marry me?"

She pressed a hand to his cheek and nodded. "Of course I will James."

With shaky fingers he tried to push the ring on her finger. She took the band from him placing it on her left ring finger. "Lay down Sadat. You need some rest."

He obeyed. The last of his strength dwindling. She took his legs one by one and pulled them back on the bed. She grabbed a blanket off the bottom and laid it across him. "After lunch I'm going to find someone who can perform the ceremony. I'm not wasting another day as just your girlfriend."

He smiled at her and caught her hand in his. He tugged and she moved close enough he could press his lips against hers. "Sounds like a deal Mrs. Barnes."

She laughed and shook her head. "Not quite yet my love."

She brushed away his hair and placed a kiss to His forehead. "Any requests for lunch?"

His stomach growled but he knew it wouldn't matter. He couldn't keep much down now. "Chicken broth. If Stark's got any jello cups left maybe one of those. But no orange."

She gave him a sad smile and nodded. "You sure you don't want pancakes?"

"Don't tease me." He rolled his eyes and groaned. He missed the fluffy cakes. They'd been a favorite of his since childhood. And it was easily one of the hardest things for him to give up. "Stark's orders. He doesn't want to clean up any more vomit."

"As if he's the one cleaning any of it up." Natalia stepped towards the door and looked back at him. "Five minutes, ten tops alright?"

He nodded and closed his eyes once again to wait for her return. He fell into a weak sleep. He could feel each twitch of his body, but he was just too exhausted to pull himself out of the slumber. Until he smelled them. The aroma filled his nose and he opened his eyes trying to find the source.

Natalia shut the door quickly, placed a tray on the counter and closed the blinds to the windows facing the hallway. "I thought you deserved to celebrate. After all we did just get engaged, and chicken broth isn't really a celebratory food."

She picked up the plate and smiled proudly. Four pancakes, still steaming and covered in maple syrup. His stomach growled and he licked his lips. "Stark's going to kill me."

"He will have to go throw your fiancée first. And we both know with out the suit he doesn't stand a chance." She laughed and brought the plate to the table he had pushed away before she came in. She cut a few pieces before pushing the table back over the bed and grabbed the remote to raise his bed. "Take it slow. It's been a while since you've had solid foods."

He nodded and took the fork from her. "Have I told you how much I love you lately?"

James shoved a bite into his mouth and took a minute to enjoy it. The sweet syrup melting on his tongue. Natalia laughed as she watched him. "I will never understand your love for pancakes."

"Second only to my love for you." He muttered before shoveling in another bite. Syrup dripped down his chin and landed on his shirt. He didn't care though. The fluffy texture of the pancakes was enough for him and he knew Tony was due to come down any minute. He'd have to get as much in as possible before Stark took them away.

Natalia sat on the chair beside him and turkey sandwich in her hands. Her phone buzzed but she ignored it. "Shouldn't you get that?"

She shook her head and took another bite of the sandwich. "It's Fury. He's going to try to beg me to help someone kill someone or track them down. Doesn't matter how many times I say no he doesn't get it. So I just ignore. I'm not going anywhere. If he had half a heart he'd understand that."

James missed the missions. The excitement and rush of being out in the field again. It had been three months since he'd taken on an assignment. After that Fury didn't feel comfortable sending him into the field. Not until he got better. But that wasn't happening. He understood the decision. One couldn't trust an operative in the field if they couldn't stay conscious all the time.

Natalia stood up and reached for the tv remote. She did better with background noise. Gave her something else to focus on. He wouldn't tell her he couldn't stand it now. That every loud noise, or hum of music drove sharp pain through his temples. For her he would walk through fire, and this was certainly easier to do than that. Or was it? He'd walked through fire before, it wasn't as bad as most people made it seem. Especially when you had the right clothes on.

She hummed quietly as she flipped through channels, finally settling on a cheesy rom com. Her favorites. Most wouldn't guess it but deep down the Black Widow was a big old softy. But she would kill any one who dared to call her that. He watched her for a while and gave a smile. He'd miss this. Her, the joy she brought to him. The laughs and words of encouragement.

Or maybe he wouldn't. He didn't know what awaited him after death. Odd how he'd been 'dead' for years and not cared once about what awaited him. He had been a part of countless missions where death was a high chance. And never had he questioned what came next. Yet now when he was truly dying it was one of his main focus points. Maybe because then it was easy to ignore the impeding death. There were distractions. Things to keep him busy. Now all he had was sitting on a bed in a white room.

"Steve sent someone to watch the apartment while we are gone. I told you Brooklyn wasn't a safe place to live. Steve agreed. But no? You just had to live there didn't you." She chuckled as he shook his head.

"Well I wasn't going to live in Moscow. And I know Brooklyn. I like it the-" his face turned pale and he could feel his stomach turning over.

"James?" She stood her plate and sandwich dropping to the floor. He managed to point at the trash can across the room and she understood. She grabbed the black can and rushed to his side. Within seconds of her putting the can under his chin the pancakes came back up. He coughed struggling to breathe as the vile liquid came. When he finally finished he laid back and wiped his mouth with his hand. The black spots returned with vigor. He groaned and gave up trying to keep his eyes open. He could feel a cold wash clothe against his head and some one's voice calling out something but he couldn't make it out. The room spun even with his eyes closed. His twitching hand was uncontrollable. So he gave in. He let the darkness take over. He knew better now. If he fought it would only hurt more. If he gave in he woke relatively pain free.

His eyes fluttered as he tried to pull himself out. His hand was caught in something. He tried to pull and a shuffling started next to him. "Hey handsome."

Natalia's soft voice echoed around him. She tried to keep the worry out but even with her training she wasn't doing very good at it. He could hear it clawing at the edges, trying to take over as she forced confidence into her voice. She did it for him. It was kind but she didn't need to.

"How long this time?"

"Six hours..." they were getting longer and fast. Tony was right, it would be a month if he was lucky. But he wasn't sure he'd last the week.

"I told you no more pancakes Barnes." He turned his head looking for the source of the voice. Tony stood in the corner holding a chart and shaking his head. "Nat why don't you go find him some chicken broth while we talk."

Reluctantly Natalia stood and left the room to find the soup.

"I'm sorry." James croaked. He pinched the bridge of his nose squeezing his eyes tight. "Can you turn off the lights?"

Stark did as he asked and then returned to his bedside. He tracked the sounds of the movements placing the man near the foot of his bed.

"Banner came across some thing. It might be what we have been looking for."

He opened his eyes and cocked an eyebrow. Tony didn't sound excited, shouldn't he have been excited? "What? Shouldn't we wait for Nat?"

Tony shook his head and sighed. "We know what her answer would be. We need you to decide."

James stared at the dark haired man confused. "The Winter Soldier programming called for a complete reset every time. But what few records we recovered from the fall of Hydra don't show that was done. They took short cuts. Began only erasing memories of the most recent mission. In their minds we assume they thought it wouldn't matter since you wouldn't have memories of the past anyways. It took less time and their weapon was back on his feet. But the fragments built up. Small things, things the mind doesn't easily forget. The total reboot reset your system every time. The partial reboots didn't do that. So things began building, and your serum kept you going. You likely didn't notice some of the smaller symptoms because they didn't manifest outside. More internal. The head aches would have been the first thing. Nat said you've always had them but the frequency has increased recently. Your brain is beginning to attack its self as a way to protect you. But it's having the opposite effect."

James nodded trying to follow along with what Tony was saying. He wanted to say it made sense but truthfully he didn't think it did. How could not doing a full wipe do this? Make his body shut down?

"Look there's a lot more that goes into it, I could talk all day about it. But it's not going to take Nat that long to find some soup for you, and we need a decision before she comes back. S.H.I.E.L.D. has already given an order but it should be you choice not theirs."

"I don't understand. What is the choice?"

"We have one of the old machines from the fall of Hydra. Banner is working on it now."

"A full reboot..." Understanding crossed his mind. They would stick him back in that dreaded machine. They would take away everything that made him James Barnes. You want to erase everything again."

Tony nodded and sighed. "I know this isn't an easy decision and we both know Nat would say no. She wouldn't want you to go through that again. But Bucky this might give you a chance to be with her for much longer."

"But I won't know her..." Tony shook his head.

"I don't know exactly what will happen. I assume we can keep memories from before the war, or at least bring them back. But memories after, I don't know. It's all technology I have never worked with before. I don't do humans. I do machines for a reason. I can tell you how a machine will work anytime. A human is more complex, too many variables that could change at any given moment. But I think it will work. Banner does too."

"And S.H.I.E.L.D. told you to do it." S.H.I.E.L.D. treated him better than hydra no doubt but deep down they believed they owned him just as much as hydra had. They had pulled him out, given him a home, a job, a life. And they would hold it over him until he died.

A robotic voice cut through the silence "Mr. Stark, Agent Romanoff is on her way back from collecting the broth you requested."

"Thank you Jarvis. Inform Captain Rogers to meet her in the hallway." Stark looked down at James and sighed "Bucky we need a decision. Banner has the machine across the hallway. We don't have much time to do this. I don't know if it will work if your episodes get much longer. By then it could be too late."

James watched the windows looking for any sign of Nat. Steve stood at the end waiting for her. "You keep her away. She doesn't enter the room. She doesn't see it happen. Understood?"

Tony nodded and set the chart down. "Jarvis, inform Doctor Banner we will be proceeding. We are on our way now."

He grabbed the wheelchair sitting by the door and moved it next to the bed. Instead of offering to help he stepped into the hallway and called for Steve. The blonde stepped in a sadness in his eyes. He knew. Tony had told him what was going on.

"Help her Steve. Please help her get through it. I won't be able to but I need to know she will have someone to turn to."

Steve nodded and pulled his friend out of the bed. He pulled Bucky's arm around his shoulders and used his other arm to steady him around his waist. "I promise Buck. She won't be alone in this."

Gently he sat James in the chair. The movement made his head spin and the all too familiar black spots began growing.

"We need to do it. Now." He muttered the words while gripping the arm of the chair. He dug his nails into the cushion on top and Tony lead them from the room across the hallway.

The machine sat in the middle. Two tall structures held a large circle up behind a chair, metal plates would rest against his head once the machine was running. The chair in front of it was hard with multiple straps to insure he didn't move too much during the process.

He had spent many moments in the same chair. Fighting as memories were ripped from him. Now he was going to go through it willingly. Steve helped him up and over to the chair. "Good luck Buck."

"Don't let her in. Please." Bucky nodded and looked towards the door. He knew she'd be walking down the hallway any minute and he couldn't let her see this. Not again.

"I promise." With that the Captain left the room and Banner began strapping him in while Stark played with the settings on the machine. Banner held up a mouth guard for him and he opened his mouth unable to move his hand to slide it in himself.

"We will try and keep it short." Banner tried to offer comfort but it did little to ease his nerves, especially once he heard the clicking of heals coming down the hallway. A tray dropped to the ground and he could hear her scream. He glanced out the window where he could see Steve trying to hold her back. Her hands and legs flailing as she tried to break through.

"No! Steve let me go! He can't do this!! Please!" The screams turned to whimpers and the kick slowed as she began to collapse in Steve's arms. "Don't let him do this Steve. Please... You have to stop him."

James watched guilt ridden, unsure if he was making the right choice. The machine began its too all too familiar hum and the plates began to lower and cover his face. He closed his eyes and muttered his apologies to Natalia. He didn't scream. He knew it had to be done, so he let it happen. Praying he would still get to be with Natalia one day.