Who Are We to Each Other?
It had taken her months to find him. Tracking down and eliminating every lead she came across. Most of the leads had lead no where. Some had given way to new leads, but it was rare. But she knew each one had to be checked just in case. She couldn't risk it, loosing him again wasn't an option. Between her responsibilities to what was left of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers she didn't have much free time. But with the time she had she spent it looking for him. She hadn't told Steve or Sam. She knew they were looking for him too but he was hers to find first. Steve may have been his friend before the war ended, but he had meant so much more to her. She had to know what he remembered. She had to know if he remembered her.
She finally had a solid lead, one that showed so much more promise than any of the others had. If Laura was right Nat would owe her big time. Her days as Mockingbird may have been over but codename or not she was still good at what she did. And the fact that she did it with 3 kids, a farm, and a husband who was often out of the home for one reason or another was even more amazing. The new girl, Bobbi, still had a lot to learn if she were to take over Laura's place properly.
If it weren't for that blasted Ultron Tony and Bruce had created she could have been there weeks ago. She could have found him with out being worried about Steve and Sam following close behind her. But instead she had to fight off a robot from killing humanity. Just another day in the Avengers. She swore, the next time Tony tried some stupid thing like that she'd kill him first. At this point that might be easier than dealing with his creations. And if Bruce ever fell for it again... Well she'd have to learn what could kill the Hulk. Maybe Laura could help her with that too.
She shifted in her seat keeping her eyes on the bustling Romanian market place. People moved between stalls quickly, goods and money exchanged frequently. Voices arguing over prices and others talking about plans for the weekend. He had come the last two days. No reason for him to change his plans now. He was trying to build a life here. Trying to convince himself he could live out his life with out hurting others, while still trying to figure out who he was. It was a good place to do so. Low on both S.H.E.I.L.D. and Hydra's radar. A place where his rugged looks could help him blend in with ease. She caught sight of the solider as he paid for his goods, she smiled and left a generous tip next to her half finished cup of tea. Before grabbing her bag and tossing it over her shoulder.
He was good, back tracking, weaving, random roads that lead the wrong way. But she had been trained by the best. She'd spent years learning how to track even the hardest of people. After 20 minutes she thought there may have been a chance she had lost him. Perhaps she missed a turn? But that wasn't like her. He had to be around here somewhere. Waiting until tomorrow didn't seem like a good idea. Any day now Steve and Sam could catch up to him. The lead had been solid, hard to find but not impossible. She had buried it deeper but it wouldn't take them long to find it, or worse some one else. They wouldn't understand her being there. And she didn't know how to explain it to them.
"Hey guys! Yeah so I uh traced down a lead to your old best friend that you have been searching for for months and I didn't tell you about it? Why? Oh because he trained me in the red room, and did I forget to mention? We were lovers." That would go over real well. Steve would love hearing about how she had hid more secretes from him.
She looked around frustrated that she had lost him. She hadn't lost anyone in years. The last time she had, she had been under his wing, training. It only made sense he would be the one she lost. All thoughts of loosing him were swept from her mind when she was slammed against the wall a cold metal hand holding her throat and deep blue eyes meeting hers. He hadn't shaved in a few days. The stubble looked good on him. Aged him just right. His hair had grown a bit since the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D., but he wore most of it pulled back now. It looked like he had been brushing it and taking care of it. It was so good to see him this way. He no longer looked like a mistreated animal. But some one who had simply lost their way. His brilliant blue eyes were filled with anger and fear. A mix she had only seen in his eyes once before. The night they had ripped her from his arms. They night they stole him away. Wiped him again. The night she had lost him for what she thought would be forever.
"Who are you?" He growled his grip tightening around her slender neck. His voice was deep but quite. She had forgotten just how much she had missed the sound of it.
"James..." She coughed trying to peel his hand away. At the mention of his name his grip loosened for a moment. She hadn't known his real name in the red room. Simply called him soldat, or comrade. On the rarest occasion Captain, during those sessions when they dressed him as Captain America and used him to train their soldiers. Knowing what she knew about him now, those sessions were so much worse than they had been then. When Steve had called him Bucky she had immediately hated it. Though she didn't voice that opinion. Bucky was a child's name, and James was no child. He had been through far too much to still be considered a child.
"Who are you?" He barked again
"My name is Natalia. James, let go. " She coughed the words out clawing at his hand. He blinked staring at her confused slowly he pulled away shaking his head.
"I know you..." Her hopes sparked for a moment. He knew her. "You were there. You helped Captain A - Steve. You fought beside him and the other man, the one with the wings..."
She felt the hope leave her in that moment. He knew her only from their most recent encounter. The moment she first saw him on that street gun in hand a part of her wanted to leap from the car and run to him. He had stood so still before firing. He wasn't her James there. He was their Winter Soldier. Their weapon. He hadn't cared for her then. If that was what he remembered of her maybe this was a failure. It would have been better to let Steve find him. At least his memories of Steve were beginning to return to him.
"Odessa. 2009. You were there. The nuclear engineer. You wouldn't get out of the way... I had to make the shot." He spoke quietly, almost as if he was speaking to himself. He kept his eyes low as he recounted the experience.
"You shot him straight through me." She lifted her shirt to reveal the large scar on her stomach just above her left hip. She had a slightly larger one to match it on her back where the bullet had left her body and entered the engineer's, ending his life. His eyes widened and she could she his right hand twitch, as if he were going to touch the scar but stopped himself before he could. "I tried to go after you then. But I couldn't track you down. I assumed they put your back in hibernation."
"That's not it is it. That's not where I know you." He muttered starring at the scar on her stomach. "Who are we to each other?"
She dropped her shirt and stepped towards him her hand reaching towards his left to take it in her own. He had always been so worried that he would hurt with his arm. She had always tried to show she wasn't afraid of it. That she saw it as a part of him. "You tell me Soldat."
His eyes darted up to hers confused he shook his head and bit his lip stepping back and pulling his hand further away from her. "I don't know. There are real memories and then are the ones they filled my head with... I can't keep them straight. Making Captain America the enemy, but history says other wise. They all seem so real. And you... You are in so many of them. You and Steve."
"He was your best friend before the fall. You grew up together, fought side by side in World War T-"
"I know. I've been to the museum, I've seen what they have there." He cut her off frustrated with the repetition of words he'd heard and read so many times. "I've read the accounts. I know who I am. Who I used to be. But you? I don't know you. Or who I am to you? There is nothing on you. Any where. Expect New York. You saved the world standing next to Steve. And then you joined him again to take down Hydra. And the robot, Ultron. You were there too. But the memories of you... They are old. Too old."
"We have a history James. One that goes back much further than Odessa." She muttered the words as she traced his metal arm. "We can't talk about it here. We need to go some where safe."
The soldier stood confused for a moment before the words registered and he nodded. "Follow me."
He didn't wait for a reply. Simply took off down a path to the left. Natalia followed his quick steps. He had shoved his arm into his pocket to hide it, pulling the hood up to cover his face. Odd how just that could be enough to hide him from the world for so long. Well that and his training.
He led her into an older building on the west side of town. The stairs creaked and moaned as they made their way up. He pushed open a door at the top and stepped into a small dimly lit room. There was next to nothing there. An old mattress with tattered blankets lay on top, a few boxes of food and some clothing scattered on the ground. That was about it. She couldn't believe he had been living like this. It made her heart ache. He deserved so much better. Better than hibernation, better than cages, better than this. He wasn't an animal. He was a human being who should have been treated as such. But Hyrda, Red Room, The soviets. They had never seen him that way. He had always been their pet.
He nodded to the mattress before stepping to the make shift kitchen, a portable gas stove on folding table and a jug of water siting next to the sink. He dropped his bag of newly purchased goods next to the jug of water. "Sit."
She obeyed and sat down on the uncomfortable mattress and waited for him to join her. Instead he chose to sit across from her on the floor. He kept his eyes low and waited for her to speak. She took a deep breath before she began.
"I was trained from a young age to be like you. We all were. They trained us in espionage, defense, weapons knowledge, killing, whatever it took to further their cause. They believed one person in the right place could be more powerful than an army. You were proof of that and they wanted more. When I reached 17 they gave me a new trainer. The Winter Soldier. We had all heard of him. Hydra's pride and joy, he would train us to be like him, to become the pride and joy of Russia. To be ready to take on the Black Widow name. And together Hydra and Red Room could rule the world. I still remember the first time you walked into that room. You were so strong and confident in your steps. But there was a pain deep in your eyes. They didn't muzzle you then, they treated you more humane. You were their prized possession, not a monster to let loose when they needed something done." She looked up at the dark haired soldier and smiled as she thought about him standing him front of her all those years ago. He had been dressed in a dark shirt and matching pants, combat boots with a knife strapped to each one. His hair had been shorter then and better cared for. All around he had been better cared for then. He'd stood silently while Dreykov spoke to the girls about why he was there and what his purpose was. The years had been unkind to him. But she was sure once he got his confidence back he would resemble the man from that day. Maybe even the man Steve knew, the one the museums and history books talked of.
"Initially you trained all the the girls. Sessions were tireless and brutal. Often ending with a broken rib or nose. You said very little. Focused on your mission. But as the training went on less and less girls continued with you. Some worked with other trainers, others were never heard from again. They had you begin dancing with us, to understand our movements better. Learn what we could use to advance our skills. Hydra was very happy to find it fixed your pigeon toe." She laughed at the thought. That had been his only flaw. A slight pigeon toe in his walk. But the way he danced, it had been so natural, like he had been doing it all his life. She had been jealous. Madame B was never disappointed with him. Always proud of the soldat. Like every other teacher in that terrible place. "You were amazing at it. I loved partnering with you. It was the only time you seemed happy. Like there wasn't anything else to worry about."
"I didn't know I knew how to dance." He muttered as he looked at her confused.
"You would be surprised how much it helps when it comes to fighting. Fighting is just a dance where you predict what your partners next movements will be and how you will react to them. It was brilliant watching you. Most of the time Madame B was watching, or some one from Hydra. But as the months continued they trusted us more and more. Left us to train while they worked with the others. The first time I pinned you we were alone. I thought you were going to be angry, but you looked up at me with a smile, not the kind our instructors gave when they were proud. It was so different, so genuine. And then you reached up and-"
"I kissed you." He cut her off and she met his eyes with a wide surprise. To actually hear him say it out loud... She hadn't expected it. She thought of the little he did remember that wouldn't be a part of it. But she was happy it was. It gave her hope that maybe there was still something there. That they could rekindle what had been stolen from them that dreadful night.
"Yes, you did." She whispered back, smiling at him. She almost couldn't believe what he was saying.
"It wasn't allowed but I couldn't help myself. You were so beautiful. And I was so proud of you, you excelled in the training. Surpassing every other girl by miles. You were not afraid to take the training into your own hands. You accepted that it was your fate and you took control of it."
Natalia watched him, joy filling her as he remembered. Those days had been so hard, but she had always had him to go to at the end of the day. He had always welcomed her into his arms each night. Until they took him away from her.
"We spent almost every night together after that. Promising we would break out together one day and find a way to start a new life far away from Hydra and Red Room. We had to be so careful sneaking around, that was what we had been trained to do. We had been careful, never to fall asleep together. One was always awake, always listening. But they never came, they never found out. So we got sloppy... Little mistakes here and there."
She trailed off not wanting to remember the rest of their story. It ended in heart break and pain. That seemed to be the common theme in both of their lives. To never have a happy ending. With each other or alone. She could feel tears threatening at the corners of her eyes.
"You snuck in late one night. We had fallen asleep, your arms wrapped around me. I always slept better in your arms. It gave me a sense of safety that I had not felt in a very long time. And then Alexei barged in. That snug look on his face, he was so proud to have caught us. The Red Guardian proving he was better than the Winter Soldier. Love wasn't something Red Room or Hydra was willing to let us have. They feared it would make us weak. So they ripped you away. I tried to follow. I tried to fight, but they pinned me down... I never saw you again. They told me they had wiped you again and that if I ever disobeyed I would face the same consequences."
"I fought so hard to get back to you. But they said they would make you like me, and force me to watch. I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't put you through what I had been through." His voice was so soft, confusion filtered in through it but there was a sense of confidence finding its way into his words. "I shouldn't have caved. I should have fought harder. I should have gotten you out of there when I had the chance. I promised you we would escape, and I failed. for the first time since I had become the Winter Soldier I felt alive, and I let it get in the way of my training. Training I could have used to free you."
"It wasn't up to you James." She moved from the bed to sit beside him taking his hand in hers. "They had their rules. We both knew what would happen if they found out. When I got out I searched for you. I was desperate to get you out too. But there was nothing on you aside from a few key assassinations. Each time I knew it was you. I searched. I looked everywhere. They kept you so hidden, so protected. After Odessa I was worried you had died, that perhaps the hibernation hadn't done it's job or you had fallen during one of your missions. There was nothing, no assassinations I could pin to you or anything. Even S.H.I.E.L.D stopped looking after that. Seeing you that day on the bridge... I was so happy to see you, to know you were still alive. Even if you had a gun pointed at me."
"I tried to kill you. Again." James muttered the words shaking his head. His hand reached up and rubbed the back of his head, an old habit he had had for as long as she had known him. One she loved. It took the man she loved and made him seem more human. Something Hydra had worked very hard to take out of him.
"You and I both know it wasn't you trying to kill me. Please don't blame yourself for their actions. You had no choice." She wanted him to understand that. It was so important to know that he had not been the one making the decision behind his actions. More than anything else she didn't want him to blame himself. She wanted to help him find peace and healing from those days. She still loved him and because of that love she was willing to do whatever it would take to help him.
"We always have a choice Natalia. I chose to comply." HIs head dropped into his knees and he pulled his metal hand away from hers.
"Yasha..." She spoke his Russian name and shook her head. "You had no choice. They took everything from you over and over again. You wouldn't have known, you couldn't do anything. Now you can, now you have a choice. And I am here to support what ever that choice is. I loved you then, I never stopped. That is who you are to me."