Winter Widow One Shots

The symptoms had begun months ago. At first he would loose only a few minutes here or there. A couple headaches from time to time. But it was easy to ignore, and hadn't bothered or worried him at the time. But they had steadily grown. Now he was loosing hours at a time, and the headaches were becoming pretty consistent. His hand had begun shaking uncontrollably recently, and the head aches were becoming a constant companion.

He had told Steve first. Afraid to tell Natalia what was happening to him. Her instinct would be to fix it immediately, and she wouldn't stop until she could. It would tear her apart trying to do so. He wanted to come to her with a solution. But after months of researching with Steve, Tony, and Bruce nothing had come from it. He had claimed he was on solo missions, when in reality he had been in the lab running a dozen different tests at a time. Trying new medicines, or treatment options. None of it had changed anything. He was still dying.

While Tony and Bruce agreed that the root cause seemed to be his years as the Winter Soldier, the constant memory erasing, the experimental serum, the freezing, and overall stress on his body, they could find no solution to help him. As the symptoms were becoming more severe he knew he couldn't hide it from her much longer. Most nights he was up a half dozen times taking medicine, drinking water, searching for some frozen food in the freezer to place against his throbbing head. Whatever he could to curb the headaches. He couldn't even sit through a movie with her with out the pounding in his head.

James stood in the kitchen a bottle of ibuprofen on the counter. He stared at it trying to remember how long it had been since he had taken his last dose. Surely even if it hadn't been long enough the serum in his blood could help? Then again wasn't it possible that same serum was killing him? He closed his eyes pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. Why couldn't he just remember? He should have written it down. But he wouldn't because he didn't want to risk Nat seeing it.

"You took some four hours ago." She stood in the kitchen doorway wearing his shirt from the day before, her hair tied up in a messy bun. "You should be okay to take some Tylenol, you can take more ibuprofen in 4 hours if you need it."

She moved into the kitchen searching through the medicine cupboard. She stood on her tiptoes and pushed a few bottles out of the way. Finding the nearly empty bottle of Tylonel she handed it to him confused. "Didn't we just buy this last week?"

"No... I think it was a couple weeks ago." He took the bottle and reached for a glass to fill with water. He popped the lid off and poured two pills into his hand. Taking a drink of water he dropped the pills into his mouth and swallowed.

"James, maybe you should take to Stark? This is the third time this week you've had to wake up in the middle of the night to take medicine. Even with our jobs we've never gone through pain killers like this. I am a bit worried about you." She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his bare back. Her cool skin felt soothing against him. He wanted so badly to just close his eyes and relax right there.

Instead he stood silently knowing he had to tell her. He couldn't wait any longer. Even if he could hide it, it wasn't fair to her. She was a trained spy, it honestly surprised him he had been able to keep it from her this long. He couldn't keep the secret from her any longer. But he wasn't sure he was ready. Banner had estimated 2-3 months if they couldn't find something to help. And they wouldn't be good months. He'd begin loosing more and more time, as well as control on his body. They had already talked about removing his arm for his and Natalia's safety.

Slowly he turned to face her and buried his face in her hair. He took in a deep breath filled with her peach shampoo. His arms wrapped around her pulling her against him. "I already did..."

The red head pulled away from him looking up at him quizzically. "When did you do that? Why didn't you tell me? What did he say?"

She reached up to tuck a piece of his dark hair behind his ear. He caught her hand and kissed it. He closed his eyes shaking his head. "I don't know how to say it Nat...."

Her mood changed immediately, her face growing grim as she spoke hesitantly "James what aren't you telling me?"

She whispered as she lifted his chin with her hand. Her voice came out almost demanding. Her Russian accent came out heavy and filled with concern. "What... What did he say?"

James let go of her and reached up to rub his neck. A nervous habit he had developed since the symptoms began. His teeth dug into his lip and he felt the shaking in his hand beginning. He shoved it into the pocket of his dark sweats to try and hide it from her. "He's been helping me for four months.... He and Banner."

"Four months? Why? I thought it was just headaches? You hit your head pretty bad back in Berlin, I thought maybe that was the cause but that was only two months ago..." Her voice switched from demanding to concerned. The look on her face was mimicking the change of tone.

"It's not just headaches... I've been loosing time. I have hours I can't remember, it's just black. Steve's been helping me cover for it... My hand is shaking often, I'm exhausted all the time. I don't feel like I can ever get enough sleep." The words came out muttered and frustrated. He knew she would be angry that he hadn't told her, that he had gone to such great lengths to cover things. The trembling sensation from his hand was driving him nuts, he had no control over it. He couldn't stop his own body from moving when he had been trained to be as still as could be. trained to hide from the human eye but now any one would see him.

Natalia's eyes followed the movement, she reached to pull it out of his pocket. She held the trembling hand in her own as the tears began to fall from her eyes. "How did I not know? How did I miss it James? Four months and I didn't notice once?"

She bit down on her lip looking up at him. Her emerald eyes were wet and she reached up to touch his cheek. James could imagine the pain she was feeling now. The questions tumbling through her mind trying to piece everything together.

"They know how to fix it right? They have a solution? They have to..." She whispered the words with hope but there was an edge of fear with it.

James felt tears threaten his own eyes as he shook his head. "We've been trying.... But there isn't any thing like this. It's - They think my time as the Winter Soldier is causing it. The memory wipes and the freezing. Even with the serum, the human body isn't meant to go through that."

Natalia shook her head wiping away tears "How long?"

"Banner thinks two months. Maybe three if I am lucky. He is trying to find ways to extend it, but so far..." He shrugged and dropped his head. "It's becoming worse every day... They think it is from the serum. Possibly the mind wiping and repeated freezing."

"No." Was all she said. As if that word would stop it or change their circumstances. As if it was a command and whatever was killing James' body would listen to her. James understood. He knew the feeling all too well. The idea of leaving her left an ache in his heart. He could only imagine how it would feel to be the one left. If the roles were reversed he would feel the exact same. Demanding that it was wrong. Demanding it could be stopped or changed.

"I'm going to talk to Stark. He's going to fix this."

"Nat.... There's nothing left to do. We've done everything we can. Please... I didn't want to tell you until we had something. But it's been four months. If we haven't found it now... it's not happening." James finally let the words of defeat leave his mouth. He had thought them a dozen times but had never spoken them out loud. Saying it out loud made it seem that much more real.

Natalia ran her hand through her hair and began pacing the floor "No, James, it's not true. It can't be. I will not lose you to them again. I refuse. They can't take you now. Not now that I have you back. Now that your free. They do not get to ruin our lives now! They don't! We finally got away, we finally get to live our lives together and they are ruining it again! It's not fair!"

James open his mouth to respond to her, he understood the pain. He felt the same. It wasn't fair, after everything they had gone through to be together. It wasn't right. But nothing they did would stop it. But before he could say anything a sharp pain pierced his skull preventing him from responding. He closed his eyes and let out a groan. Both hands shot up to rub at his head. Slowly he sunk to the ground leaning his head against the dishwasher. He took deep breaths trying to relieve himself of the pain. It was more intense then the past pains had been. He was used to feeling a constant throbbing and the occasional sharper pain, but this was new. The pain seemed to intensify with each moment he sat, nothing relieved any pain from it.

"James?!" Natalia dropped beside him placing her hand on his forehead. Her cool hand brought little relief to him. Her body trembled as she pulled him into her lap, he tried to reach for her hand to comfort her but he couldn't tell what movement he actually made. He continued to grown in pain, it was growing quickly. He couldn't think straight. All he could focus on was the pain.

He didn't respond. He couldn't. He continued to try breath deeply as she searched for her phone to call Tony. He could hear the fear in her voice as she spoke to Tony but he couldn't focus on the words. It felt like a dozen knives stabbing into his head at once.

It felt like hours before they arrived but knowing them he was sure it was only a few minutes. The front door opened with Steve and Tony rushing in. He could make out their voices but everything was fading to black by the time they had come in.

James struggled to pull himself out of the darkness. The fog in his head was heavy and thick. For a moment it lightened and he could hear Natalia's voice beside him muttering in Russian. He grabbed on to it using her voice as a guide to get himself out of the deep fog.

"Nat?" He muttered as his eyes struggled to open.

He was in a bright room, which caused him to close his eyes again before slowly opening them to adjust to the brightness surrounding him. One side was covered in monitors and cabinets, the other with windows into a hallway. His bed sat right in the middle, a small couch sat below the windows. It was there that Natalia, cuddled under a thin blanket. Her eyes were closed but they shot open when he said her name. He felt one of her slender hands slip into his the other pressed against his cheek. The cool flesh felt nice.

"Hey handsome." She stood up and moved towards his bed. She leaned down and brushed her lips against her forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"Exhausted." He muttered as he tried to sit up. He felt the monitor on his finger and an IV in his arm as he did so. Natalia pressed against his shoulders shaking her head. He couldn't really fight against her, his body was too tired to do so. Instead he fell back on the poor excuse for pillows behind him with a grunt.

"Lay down James." She had changed into a pair of his training sweats. They were a few inches too long but she had rolled them up so they ended just above her feet. She complemented the sweats with an equally larger sweat shirt. She had rolled the sleeves up much like she had the pants to make them short enough for her arms. Her thick red curls were braided to keep them out of her face. Her eyes were puffy from crying, and yet somehow she still looked stunning.

"Tony is running some more tests. You just need to rest okay?"

He agreed, and truthfully didn't mind, but something felt off. He looked down at his hands, or rather hand. The metal arm he had grown so accustomed to over the years was gone, instead there was just the scared stump of his shoulder. His heat beat quickened. He knew exactly what it meant. He had talked to Steve about it, they had planned on it. He just didn't think it would have happened so soon. He had lost control of his arm during the black out. They had made the decision for him. The one part of his body that he had prayed would be okay. The one part that wouldn't waste away like the rest of him. And he had lost it before everything else.

Natalia watched him, her own expression sorrowful as she watched his eyes. "I'm sorry James... I didn't want to. I tried to tell them to leave it. But-"

"Did I hurt you?" He looked up at her pain filling his eyes. He couldn't imagine what he would do knowing he had hurt her. He would never forgive himself if he had so much as scratched her.

"No, but Tony, he said it was for the best. To prevent it from happening. He said -" she couldn't continue her words. Desperately she looked out the door of room where Steve now stood. His tall frame made the doorway look small. He nodded when Natalia looked at him and took a couple steps into the room. He stopped at the foot of the bed resting his hand on the rail.

"Hey Buck. How's the head?"

"Could be worse. Not as bad as riding the cyclone." He tried to laugh at his own joke but it fell flat. Steve gave him a small smile and a short chuckle. He loved Steve, and enjoyed his company most days. He'd even ride the cyclone again with him if he asked. He was his best friend after all. But right now all he wanted to be with Nat. He needed to hear what Tony had told her. But instead he watched as she wrapped her arms around her self and left the room with her head low.

"Buck, things aren't looking very good. I don't know how much you told Natasha, but Tony told her everything. He felt she needed to know and be a part of the decision making process now. He uh... Well he thinks Banner's intial estimate my have been wrong." Steve took a deep breath and James knew what was coming before he spoke the words. "He's said a month if you're lucky."

Suddenly he understood why Natalia had left. Why she couldn't tell him. He couldn't tell her for four months, how could he have expected her to tell him when she had known for only a few hours at most? In a matter of hours she had gone from knowing nothing about his condition to being told he had maybe a month left. The pain that must have caused her, the anger and sorrow that would be filling her now. Anger and sorrow that he had caused. And now she was alone.

Once more he tried to sit up. He had to find her. He had to apologize and make it right, explain why he had waited to tell her. Why he had hid it in the first place. HIs head spun wildly and Steve pushed him down shaking his head. Normally he would have fought back, but now he didn't have the strength to. The desire yes. But that did little when ones body couldn't do much on it's own.

"I don't think that's a good idea pal. You've got a lot of drugs running through your system right now. Close to twice what the normal person needs, the serum keeps fighting them off. Even if you had the strength I don't think your body would be able to handle the drugs well. Banner is trying to keep you medicated to keep the headaches away."

"Steve.... I should have told her earlier. Please promise me you'll take care of her. Help her move on. She's going to need the support. She's going to need her family." He closed his eyes saying a silent prayer. Begging for more time. Begging to give her peace and understanding. "She's stubborn. Too stubborn to move on unless she's forced to."

"She's got a family now. We will watch over her. I promise. She won't be alone in this. None of us will..." Steve looked at him, a mix of concern and worry. "Tony's trying Buck. He's going to figure this out. We aren't going to loose you. I-I..."

The soldier trailed off shaking his head. James knew his feelings were likely similar to Natalia's. He had fought so hard to get his best friend back. A friend he had lost decades ago. And now he was loosing him again, but this time there was nothing he could do. No hope to be found, no light at the end of the tunnel. He was going to watch as the man he had grown up with since childhood withered away in front of him. It would have been better all around if he had stayed as the Winter Soldier. Or died falling off that train. No one would be hurting now.

"I know." Bucky said in reply as he closed his eyes again. He could feel the twitching beginning in his hand again. He gripped the sheets beneath his hand trying to stop it. His fingers dug into the fabric, his nails tearing through the fabric as he did so but it did little. The movement continued to grow. "I'm sorry Steve. I really am."

Steve put his hand on his shoulder and sighed. "I'll go find Nat."

With that Steve left the room that despite its bright appearance now felt dark and hallow. James should have left on a mission. S.H.I.E.L.D. could have claimed he went down fighting, his body was lost in the field. At least then it would have been quick for everyone. No dragging it out, no pretending there was a way to fix it. Just a lost body somewhere in the world. It would have saved Natalia from all of this heartache, she wouldn't have to watch as James weakened. She wouldn't have to sit by his bedside praying her would be okay. She would have her answer immediately.

"Hey handsome." She leaned against the door way arms folded across her chest. Her hands were pulled into the sleeves of her oversized sweatshirt, leaving just the tips of her fingers to curl over the edges. A habit she did whenever she was nervous. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. He hated knowing she was crying over him. Over things he couldn't control. But it was far worse knowing there was nothing he could do to help her. He would continue to be the cause of her pain. Even after he died, she would mourn for him and go over the last month thinking she could have done something different to help him. She would never accept that there was nothing she could have done. Nothing anyone could have done.

"Hey beautiful." He whispered. He wanted to take it all away from her. Fix everything he had caused. For moment he thought to the ring box sitting in his nightstand. The one he had purchased two weeks before everything went south. He had planned to ask her on their anniversary, take her out to the park. Plan a nice picnic, get down on one knee, the whole thing. But once the symptoms began he couldn't get himself to do it knowing he likely wouldn't even make it to the wedding.

He managed to push himself to the side of the bed and patted the spot next to him. "Come here."

She shuffled towards him, the oversized sweats rolled up accommodate her shorter stature. She slid onto the bed next to him, pulling the blanket up around them both. James put his arm around her and pulled her close to him. He kissed her hair and took a deep breath, taking in her scent. If there was an afterlife, he knew the one thing he would miss most was her.