New Seating Arrangements
It's been a week since the fire. Tony's been out of medical just as long. His burns are healing slowly, and Helen's been changing his bandaging, but she's given him the all clear for being up and about, and it's all he can do now. He can't sit still.
Now that he's not standing in the middle of the fire, he can move all he wants. Now that the danger is gone, he's not frozen at all. Now that it's all over and done with, he's fucking fine.
And he hates it.
He hates that he can't just sit. He hates that he can't lie down to sleep. He hates that the only rest he's gotten has been in the car when Happy's driving him between the Tower and the company. He hates that there's nothing he can do but pace and grumble and be upset with himself for locking up that day.
He hasn't gone down to the labs yet. It's been a week and he hasn't gone down to see the damage. Pepper offered to get a crew down there and start cleanup, but Tony told her to leave it. He'd take care of the cleanup and hire anyone they might need when he was ready. He hasn't been ready. He can't even think about the damn lab without getting angry. Angry at himself for not doing something to prevent it all. To protect it all. To stop it.
And he's not even that upset over the losses. He has everything in that room on blueprint files with JARVIS and his own eidetic memory to boot. He can rebuild anything and everything in that room.
But none of it, no matter how much heart he puts into it, will be DUM-E. That dumb machine has gone with him so far. It's survived so much. It was his first true baby. The first one he cared about. And it's gone. He watched it power down for the last time, and he felt part of himself collapse inward with all the force of a dying star.
And if he's not thinking about DUM-E, he's thinking about Bucky. He barely knows the man. They aren't friends. Steve asked Tony to help protect Bucky. That's it. Tony is Steve's friend. Bucky is Steve's friend. They have that in common, but they haven't really talked or interacted much since all of this started. So, Tony has no idea why Bucky Barnes would run into a fire for him, or call him his friend.
On top of that, he doesn't really know why he cares? It's not that he's upset that Bucky called him his friend. On the contrary, when Bucky said that, Tony felt warm. It was comforting to think that Bucky saw him as a friend. Sees him as one. Bucky looks at Tony and sees a friend, whereas Tony looks in the mirror and sees chaos.
His mind cycles through these thoughts on a near constant basis, even as he's working at the company, for a week straight, before he finally decides to do something about one of them. He decides he's going to get to know Bucky more. And he's going to do it in the way one is supposed to, not by researching him for days on end the way he might have in the past.
He makes his way to the apartment he set aside for the other man when he first came here a few months ago and knocks on the door, only to be met with silence. He knocks again a few moments later.
"J, is he in?" Tony asks after a full minute of nothing.
"Actually, Sir," JARVIS speaks up from the hallway speaker nearest Tony. "Sergeant Barnes is unconscious on his kitchen floor right now. His vitals are steady and he is not ill. He merely fell asleep after sitting down."
There's a moment, just a moment, where he wonders why he programed JARVIS with emergency protocols ifthe damn thing isn't using them. "And how long ago was this?" Tony taps at the face of his watch, pulling up a program for the security system of the Tower. He passes the watch over the lock on Bucky's door, then opens it, pushing his way inside.
"Approximately five minutes before you arrived," JARVIS says as Tony rushes to where Bucky is passed out, sitting up against the cupboards under the sink. "Because his vitals were within normal ranges, I did not think him to be in medical distress. Perhaps it is just a way Sergeant Barnes rests. He usually sleeps on the floor."
Tony sighs and crouches down next to Bucky, checking him over personally and tapping fingers against his cheek a bit. "C'mon, Barnes. Wake up. What the fuck."
When Bucky doesn't respond right away, Tony pushes himself up and searches the drawers until he finds a washcloth. He gets it wet with cold water, then goes back to Bucky and starts wiping it along his forehead. He slides it down Bucky's temple and to his neck.
Bucky groans softly and opens his eyes slowly, blinking at Tony. "Stark?" The confusion in his eyes as he looks around is enough for Tony to know this was definitely not an intentional nap.
"So, tell me about the new seating arrangements, Buckaroo," Tony says, sitting back on his heels and resting his palms on his knees. "Is this a new yoga thing or are we here because you passed out and need to go to medical?"
Bucky takes a slow breath in and brings his gaze back around to Tony. "No, I don't need to bother Helen with it," he grumbles, pushing himself up to sit a bit straighter. He rests his head back in his new position and sighs. "I been getting bad headaches lately. This one took me to the ground, I guess."
Tony stands up and folds the washcloth, remaining quiet as he does. He sets it on the edge of the sink and rests one hand on the counter, his other hand going to his hip.
"Let me ask you something, Sergeant Barnes," Tony says after a stretched silence. "Reverse our roles in this scenario. If you came up to the penthouse and found me passed out, then woke me up and I told you I'd been having bad headaches that knocked me out, but told you I didn't want to go to medical, what would you do?"
Bucky leans his head back, drawing his knees up and resting his elbows on them as he looks up at Tony. Tony looks down at him finally, catching the mildly irritated look on Bucky's face.
"I would physically carry you to medical," Bucky says finally, his tone sounding defeated.
"Yeah, I thought so," Tony hums, tapping his fingers on the counter. "And yet, here we are in a similar scenario, and you're telling me you're not going to go talk to Helen?"
"I just didn't want to-"
"Bother her?" Tony raises an eyebrow. "She's a doctor, Bucky. It's her job to be bothered by things like this. Not only that, it's her passion. I've seen that woman at work. She loves what she does. She wants us all to be well and she would jump at the chance to try and help you with this. You wouldn't be a bother to her."
Bucky sighs. "It's easier for you," he mutters. "You're used to just doing what you want and having things go okay. People don't feel put out around you because you can just give 'em whatever they want. They want to be around you. Of course they're gonna tell you they're not bothered."
Tony presses his lips together and takes a couple deep, slow breaths. He knows Bucky isn't saying anything he's saying out of malice. Bucky isn't that kind of man. Tony's watched him, and he's heard how Steve described him. Bucky's just a firm believer that he doesn't deserve people's attention, and he's misdirecting that feeling into a sense of anger towards Tony. He can see it in Bucky's eyes. There's hurt there. But it doesn't change that his words sting.
"Yes," Tony says after a moment. "Things come easier to me. I'm rich. I've always had things handed to me, even though I don't like it. People want to do things for me because they think they'll get into my good graces in some way and share in my wealth and power."
He steps away from the counter and turns to face Bucky from a slight distance. Spreading his arms at his sides, he laughs mirthlessly. "What power?" he asks. "Look at me, Barnes. I'm a fucking lost cause. There's nothing left here but a shell. People aren't going to get anything out of me. But you…" He points at Bucky. "You've got that heart still. After everything you've been through. People want to do things for and with you because you're kind. You're gentle. Despite everything you've been made to do and all you've seen, you still have the heart of a man who wants nothing more than to see a world at peace."
Bucky stares at him for a long moment, then swallows and shakes his head. "You really feel that way about yourself, Stark?"
Tony shrugs and turns, sagging against the counter. "I froze up and let my entire lab burn down around me and I don't have the strength to go look at the carnage," he says quietly. "There's nothing left in me." And the amount of truth that's in that statement hurts so badly. It aches deep in Tony's chest and makes him want to run. He can't stay still because his pain will catch up with him.
"I could go with you," Bucky says after a couple moments of quiet. "So you don't have to see it alone."
Tony looks back at him, noting the way Bucky's head is lowered. He's dropped one knee to tuck that leg closer to himself, the other still up and arm draped over it. He looks like he's been through it, and Tony knows the feeling. Bucky looks the way Tony feels right now.
He wonders briefly if Bucky was having a headache when he pulled Tony from the fire.
"You need to see Helen," Tony says.
"I will," Bucky tells him, and the way his voice tightens over the words, it's not something he wants to do, but it is a promise. "Let's go see what the lab needs, then go see Helen."
—
It's going to take a lot of work to bring the lab back in order, Tony tells him. Bucky listens as Tony goes over the whole area, bit by bit, and tells him what's going to need to be refitted, rebuilt, destroyed completely, and updated.
It's when they stop in front of a charred robotic arm that Bucky notices Tony actually experiencing any sort of emotion beyond his drive to just get through the room. Tony pauses and watches it for a moment, then steps closer. When he's close enough to touch it, he lifts his hand and reaches for the robot.
Then, Tony stops. He doesn't let himself actually touch the arm. His fingers curl against his palm and his arm shakes before he drops it back to his side. That's when it hits Bucky. This has to be DUM-E, the robot he'd been hurting over the day of the fire. Bucky's never seen the robot. He's never really been down here, so he didn't know.
After a couple moments, Bucky moves to Tony and puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "If I could have saved the place and you, I would have."
"I'm grateful you got me out," Tony says softly. He takes a breath and lets it out through his nose a bit noisily. "I just- I wish I'd moved. Done something. How many times has this idiot put out fires for me? Even when they weren't there? He was always ready with a fire extinguisher. And the one time it was an actual fire, neither of us was prepared."
Bucky nods softly, not quite understanding, but realizing now isn't the time to just blindly ask for explanations. Tony is grieving. Yes, it's a robot, but it was Tony's creation. Bucky figures it's a lot like saying goodbye to one's child.
"I'm sorry," he says again, looking down. "I- I wish I had more to say."
Tony shakes his head. "Nothing more to be said," he sighs. "He's gone. I can rebuild him, of course. I've got his blueprints, his coding, his program. I can upload his last backup to the new model. It'll be just like he was about a week before the fire. It will be the same damn robot."
"Except." Bucky looks at him.
Tony takes a deep breath. "Except it won't be him," he says before pushing that breath out in a heavy sigh. "I know I'm being sentimental over a bunch of metal."
"You made him," Bucky says quietly. "That means something." He steps a little closer and cautiously puts an arm around Tony's shoulders. "I can only imagine that pain."
Tony sighs and leans into Bucky's side. He's quiet for a moment, then clears his throat. "Speaking of pain," he hums, "we should get you to Helen and have her run a couple scans of that head of yours. Just to be safe. Frequent headaches could be indicative of something else."
Bucky nods softly. "You gonna be okay?" he asks, gesturing at DUM-E.
Tony sighs. "Eventually. Hurts right now. Probably will for a while. But I know what to do to fix this now. I can get started on rebuilding. That will give me something to do, at least."