Let them back in
Chapter 2: Let them back in
Peter laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling - hands shaking violently at his sides.
He was in an ocean of his thoughts, making no effort to swim - but just allowing himself to sink.
His thoughts were violent waves. He slipped beneath the surface. The water filled his lungs and he couldnt breathe, but he made no effort to cough and splutter out the liquid of his internal death. What was the point?
Who would care when he sunk so deep that he could no longer see the surface of the ocean?
Who would go looking, when he just disappeared?
What did he have to lose?
If Peter couldn't kill himself, then the pressure of the depths of the ocean would - and before that, his head would implode with stabbing thoughts - tearing into him.
Soon Peter would hit the bottom of the sea, and when he did, he would already be dead. He didnt know whether he would die alone, or with millions around him - a bit of both, if you think about it.
Because if he looked around, nobody was there - it was just him in the depths of the dark, dangerous ocean. But then he knew that millions of others had died this way, the floors of the sea were probably littered with their corpse's. Peter couldn't save them, there were so many people dead that it was out of his control - but in a way, he felt that joining them would be the best apology he could give back to them.
Not knowing made him feel in the dark. Ha. Get it? In the dark? Because when he sunk so deep, the beams of sunlight would no longer penetrate through the glass surface of the sea, and he would be floating in.. darkness?
Anyway, the concept of him not knowing, comforted him. It comforted him because he had been walking in the dark for so long that it became normal. He didn't care, and if he didn't know, he didn't have to care.
His heart, once full with love and a will to live, was now hollow - echoing with hopelessness.
Now Peter just had to wait until he tore himself apart to the point that he would eternally go to sleep. If he couldnt bleed his soul out with a blade, or fall too far that his body overtook whatever life was still in him (if any), then he would allow his mind to do the work for him - tugging at his heartstrings till they snapped and he saw black.
His thoughts were interrupted by clint knocking on the door, Peter was surprised he didn’t hear him on the way. Without waiting for an answer, clint gently opened the door. He held what seemed like a feast in his arms, walking slowly not to drop anything - if Peter didn’t feel so fucked, he would’ve laughed at how it seemed like Clint was holding a baby with just how careful his careless self was holding the stuff.
Clint plopped all the sweets and snacks onto peters bed.
Peter was dreading a long while filled by awkward silences and indirect questions about the situation, but thankfully, Clint hadn’t made it a headache. He just acted- normal? Just chill, which was what Peter didn’t realise he needed so bad before. It was exactly what he craved, some NORMALITY and company without pressure to dig deep into his locked chest of emotions.
Peter and Clint sat comfortably on the bed, they were having a star wars movie marathon. Of-course, Tony was so extra that there was a TV in the CEILING that came down with a button of a remote that peter didn’t even know existed (Clint laughed at Peters surprise, and casually pulled the remote out of a cubby, claiming ‘bro, literally EVERYONE knows about the tv!? Everyone has one in their room.’) They managed to get through 5 movies, and half of their huge amount of snacks before Peter couldn’t hold his questions back longer.
He really didn’t want to remind himself or achknowledge the whole situation any longer than he had to, but also felt a responsibility to know everything happening, considering it was because of him.
“Clint, can i ask u something?”
“Fire away.”
Peter hesitated, feeling his heart rate slightly raise. Clint was too sucked into the movie to notice his discomfort, just staring at the screen lifelessly and munching on popcorn.
‘it’s about the whole thing that happened earlier.’
Peter picked at his fingernails anxiously, while Clint froze for a second, turned down the volume and turned towards peter.
“.. yeah?”
“Well, uhm, ironic i’m asking you this,” Peter nervously chuckled to himself, but Clint kept his worrying? caring? fatherly? comforting? prompting? Peter didn’t really know, but clint kept looking at him.
“what’s going on?” Peter felt a heat crawling up his neck to his face. As if he were a stupid, scared child (well he was, but oh well). “Like, out there. What’s happening?” Peter gestured to the door.
“Oh, well, uhm..” Clint looked at the door then back at peter, as if he were wondering whether to tell his answer truthfully, or to limit his words. Clint was awfully easy to read for a spy.
“No, i can see what you’re thinking. Please, don’t lie or hold anything back. I just wanna know straight up.”
“Ok, well, if you really wanna know the whole deal,” Clint paused. “Between me and you, everyone knows Tony’s defensive mechanism is humour.”
“Yeah?”
“ But, when things get way out of hand, something that we’ve noticed is that he gets angry. PISSED. Because if someone points out his own wellbeing, he can just avoid it with a few funny insults and jokes. Usually an unhealthy amount of alcohol. But when things happen to someone else, he can’t really do that, because it affects the people he loves, and who he’s close to. Get me?”
“.. Uh huh.”
“I don’t wanna sound cheesy, but he cares for you way more than you know. So when he lashed out, really he just wants to protect you. I’m not justifying what he’s done, he should’ve kept his fat mouth shut. But that’s just what’s going through his drunk head.”
Peter stayed quiet.
“We don’t think it’s right for Tony to be here right now. He needs time to get his head straight, otherwise he’ll just cause more problems when he sees you.”
“.. oh.” Peters voice was quiet.
“.. So Peppers already booked a flight for Tony to get out the tower, he’s gonna go with his best friend, Rhodes. You’ve heard of him, right? War Machine? Iron patriot?”
“oh, yeah i’ve heard of him. You sure tony’s gonna wanna go?”
“Whether he wants to go or not is out of the question, Peppers gonna make him go, Rhodeys already on board. He’d do anything to help Tony.”
Both of them sat in silence for a moment. Talking about things didn’t really panic peter with clint, like it did with everyone else.
“What about the media?”
Clint took a deep breathe, exhaling loudly. “I don’t think you should think about that for now, you’ve already got enough on your plate, i don’t want you to worry.”
“i need to know what’s going on!”
“No, no you don’t. All that matters is for now you’re in here, you won’t be in public for a bit. Basically Spider-man’s dissapeared for a bit.”
Clint looked deeper into peters face, slightly more serious.
“And Peter Parker won’t be seen either, you can’t deal with that right now.”
“Just tell me a tiny detail. Please.” Peter looked at Clint, pleadingly.
He sighed before answering. “Ok, I don’t know too much because again, it’s been really busy in the tower. Everyone’s running about, security are having a hard time shooing the news reporters away from the doors - to the extent Steve had to go down to say himself that we weren’t giving any comment. All i know, is to not expect anything good.”
Peter didn’t say anything, they just watched another 25 minutes of star wars without another word exchanged. Clint just offered Peter a snack. He focused on breathing through his suffocating thoughts, clouding his mind from clear function.
“What do i say to everyone i knew?”
There was another 30 second silence.
“i’ll tell you this, every single avenger has had really tough choices. Some of us, like Steve for say, focused on the positive and let people in to help him up. But some others, i won’t give names, but they allowed himself to be sucked up.”
Tony’s name sat unsaid in the air. Everyone knew Peter was more like Tony than others, which may have added to their worry for Peter.
“Kid, whatever you do, let people help you. It doesn’t make you less of a person, just let people in. Because I promise you, being alone is one of the hardest struggles anyone can face.”
Clint let peter take everything in for a sec.
“You don’t have to say anything to anyone, but just think of whoever you’re close to. Don’t let go of who you’re close to. Reach out, be in contact, have your people who you know you can count on.”
Peter thought for a sec. “ I don’t know what they’ll say, or how they’ll react.”
“What do they already know? Which person?”
“My two best friends, MJ and Ned. Ned knows i’m spider-man, MJ worked it out too. They’ve kept my secret, obviously now everyone knows but before they kept it. i trust them. And they know everything happening- well, some of everything happening up until the point you lot kidnapped me from school. then i stopped replying to their texts.”
Clint laughed. “KIDNAP is a strong word”
“The right word, you mean.”
Clint laughed again. “Anyway, Let me tell you, knowing SPIDER-MAN probably rocked their world. someone who wasn’t 100% probably wouldn’t gotten over excited and let it out. especially in high school, they seem like good people. if they supported spider-man, they’ll support anything else you tell them. But at the end of the day, it’s your choice whether they make the cut or not.”
About a minute passed. “You know, i’ve never actually heard about your life before we ‘kidnapped’ you. Ned and MJ, tell me about them.”
Clint smirked, and Peter also let a smile slip onto his face as he remembered his friends.
“Well, Ned’s always been there. I’ve known him longest, he knew about spider-man first. And MJ, well.. don’t tell anyone this.”
“I won’t.” Clint sat up with a childish grin on his face, as if he was about to hear some big top secret.
“To be honest, i probably would’ve asked her to be my girlfriend already if i weren’t spider-man.”
Clint chucked at him, as an embarrassed flush of colour made its way to Peters face.
“‘if you weren’t spider-man?’ What difference does it make?”
“it’s too risky. and unsafe.”
“do you know what i say?”
“what?”
“Just hit it. Nothingll happen to her.”
“I don’t know, i couldn’t ask her after shutting her out for this long..”
“Let them back in, then.”
Peter sat in silence, scenarios flying through his head. Should he? Could he?
Peter shared more about his school life with Clint, all the funny stories just splashing out.
Speaking with clint made peter feel comfortable and made him wanna open up his past, but not in a painful or vulnerable way. A safe way, sort of. As if his life were worry free. Speaking with clint somehow made his whole suicide attempt and identity reveal slip his mind.
Even when Clint left, Peter had a lingering smile on his face.
Until he caught his phone laying abandoned on his desk in sight, and his mind began to get filled to the brim with worries of the media and his friends again.