Chapter 1
Overall Peter's day has been pretty good. He stopped a car thief, a rapist, a robbery and he also swung from some of the skyscrapers, so yeah. Peter's day has gone by pretty well if you ask him, now he's gonna go back to his and May’s shitty apartment, eat some crappy Thai takeout and binge watch some shoddy Rom-con with May and complain about the characters the whole way through even if he secretly finds it kinda cute. Sometimes though May suggests one of the more classic ones like Pretty woman or the notebook and he goes all distant and quiet because they remind him of Gwen because those are the movies they watched together and he still misses her like shit every single minute of every single day and he can't stand any other reminders of her because it makes him wanna cry (he’s totally not gonna add the fact that most of the time he does cry but whatever.)
He climbs up the stairs feeling his legs take over his soul as he practically ends up crawling up the stairs on the last flight because of how much he feels like tearing himself apart limb to limb just so they don’t hurt as much as they do right now.
As he opens their crusty red door (which is in desperate need of a lick of paint, which will never be done despite how many times he says he’ll do it.)
He rustles through his bag and finds his keys buried deep under his books. The door creaks open and he pads in as quietly as possible only to realize he was face to face with May. and he immediately cringes at the thought of her having to wait for him instead of getting the rest she should’ve been having.
god why did he always screw things up?
He awkwardly smiles at her, guilt tracing through his eyebrows as she shouts at him.
“Where on earth have you been, I’ve been worried sick!?” May yelled, running a hand through the roots of her hair. Shame ran through his body god he should really tell her the probably tell the truth she deserves that much at least.
He’s been meaning to tell her about his Spider-Maning but has never really gotten round to it. The guilt of it all is kind of taking a toll on him but he can handle it so it’s fine.
“I’m really sorry aunt May I just got he-” he says trying to look a little less psychopathic with his muddy face and scratches that litter his body which haven’t been healed yet due to his slow ass healing ability.
May cuts him a sharp look, crap “No, cut the bullshit Peter, I want you to tell me where you keep going everyday.“ her eyes go glossy as she speaks and her tone changes to concerned more than angry “you keep going out at odd times, going back with bruises and cuts which miraculously disappear the next time I see you, and you’re never here Peter”
Her face softens with pity. “I just want to know that you’re okay.” She whispers “and I don’t think you are, I know how hard life has been on you, but please tell me what I need to do.”
He breaths in shakily.
He owes this to her. She's all he has left, She deserves everything including knowing the truth. “May” he closes his eyes tightly, he can do this, she’ll just hug him and help him, maybe with a light scolding or two but she’ll still love him, right?
Oh well better now then never.
“im Spider-Man”
“What?” He hears his aunt breath out.
”im Spider-Man” he repeats
the silence drags on until May finally speaks up again “No, no you’re not Spider-Man” she chuckles a little smiling brightly before turning her face towards him and her expression falls again after seeing his face which he imagines is stoney and serious.
“Are you being serious right now? Are you actually Spider-Man because this isn’t funny Peter.”
“May I’m so sorry, I really wanted to tell you but I just-“
He gets cut off by May “for how long?”
“A while…”
“I-I- “ she runs a hand along her face attempting to hide the tears “was it before or after?” She quivers, he doesn’t need any more information to know what she’s talking about.
“A day or two before, I’m so sorry I was so stupid and dumb and I didn’t know what to do.” He rushes wiping tears away from his face, May knows now. That it truly is his fault that the only important thing to her was left to die. Good god he missed Ben so much.
They stare at each other and her tears fall openly down onto the ground now as she stares at him up and down in disbelief before coming to her senses.
The reaction he got next to him shouldn’t have been surprising yet it still was.
“WHAT!?” May’s face crumples and a flow of sobs escape from her mouth, he tries reaching over to console her someway but his hands get brushed off, he doesn’t try again “yo- you- you could’ve saved him!” She shouts between whimpers and cries “you could have saved them all Peter!” She looks at him with exactly what he feared he would look at him with, disgust and hatred. She knows now that he failed her, that he failed them, that he failed every other person who mattered to him.
this was such a bad idea.
“I- Im s-sorry May, I tried so hard ”
She hesitates, her hands wrapped around herself.
“Oh sweetie, oh god I can’t believe this is happening I'm so sorry Peter.”
“Wh-w-why? None of this was your fault I know it’s mine, you can’t take pity on me just because of that you deserve better.” He said softly containing the vat of tears threatening to spill over.
“No Peter, I’m so sorry. I just don’t think I can do this .”
“Do what?”
“THIS PETER!” She screeched gesturing to himself her voice cracks so she whispers the rest “I can’t do this Peter, I’m sorry but you need to leave”
“What?”
“Leave.”
“You want me to leave?”
“I’m sorry Peter, it’s just too hard for me.”
“When do you want me to come back?” He asks even though he thinks he already knows the answer, she does as well.
“Honey I’m so sorry, surely you can understand what I’m going through here?”
He doesn’t tell her that though just like he doesn’t cry and beg for her to let him start because he gets it, he’s hurt everyone around him
Gwen, Harry, Captain Stacy, Ben, his parents, Liz and her family, Ned and MJ were probably in danger now because of him and so many more people he couldn’t save. He failed them, so yeah Peter understands why they need to leave him alone for a little bit. It’s because he is dangerous, he’s literally a death threat to anyone close to him.
So he leaves, his spider suit underneath his t-shirt, jumper and jeans leaves little to no comfort for how he’s feeling right now, even if he knows it’s temporary and that May will probably let him in later or tomorrow or even in a week or two, he knows she will because that’s what family does, she’ll help patch him up they’ll go back and forth will apologies and then they can talk about how cool Spider-Man is and how awesome Mr.Stark and the Avengers are and how he even got to meet some of them because his life is just that cool! Aside from the y’know dead friends, family and being kicked out (probably, hopefully temporarily) out of his only family members left house AKA the only adult left who cares about him even if it’s only by a little now.
You know what they say a little goes a long way, especially if you don’t have anyone else.
she pulls him into a hug before he goes, ruffling his hair and murmuring apologies in his ear.
But he doesn’t understand if she’s said about him leaving why is she making him go?
when he leaves he can hear her triple look the doors and a small cry leaves his throat.
He slips his mask on and a small grin escapes from his grimace, Peter doesn’t exist when the mask comes on neither do Peter's problems so currently it’s just Spidey, your friendly neighbourhood spider guy!
Nope, no problems at all. Totally.
The suit was one of his older ones, the one he wore when he was still oblivious from falling apart a bit that came from superhero-ing.
He prefers the one Mr.Stark made him but he still hasn’t given it back, which is kind of fair since as he went against literally everything he's ever said but c'mon it’s Spider-Man we’re talking about, I’m literally a garbage can on fire that’ll set fire to everything and everyone in my line of sight. Cause that’s who he is Peter Parker national fuck up. Pretty cool and accurate name if he’s being honest, even the Flash couldn’t even think that deep since the mans shallower than the kiddy pool that goes up to your shins (At best).
Anyways the whole day is looking pretty glum and nobody’s outside so he sets himself on a roof and watches down checking to see if any crime has made its way known.
He looks down at his watch as the time goes by.
2 minutes go by.
7 minutes now.
18 minutes.
37 minutes.
58 minutes.
139 minutes.
He looks down at his watch for the seventh time and realises that no crimes are gonna occur tonight. Which is great, because that means he has nothing to take his mind off whatever happens with May, and that ‘the Tony Stark’ hates him and that he’s a total failure.
Cool.
He pushes the thought to the bag off his head and swings up top to an abandoned building, high enough that nobody will see from the human eye and makes himself a little web hammock (he refuses at any cost to call it a spider web much to Ned’s dismay) and sits in it before slowly drifting off into a sleep to pass the time.
*
“I'm taking the suit back, kid. This just isn't going to work out Parker.”
Dread racked his body and teared at his seams as he watched the words fall out of Tony Stark's mouth.
“Mr. Stark, you can’t- you can’t do that!” He whispers he already felt the tears pool in his eyes “I'm nothing without the suit, please just- I promise I’ll do better next time, but you can’t just take it away it’s my whole life…”
He could feel Stark’s face stiff but still it remained the same as before, angered and annoyed. God he screwed up big time.
“If you are nothing without this suit then you shouldn’t have it in the first place.” The man scowled “and no spidering around, I can’t deal with that shit.
Peter’s mind blurred the rest out of what came out of Tony’s mouth.
Fuck.
What is he supposed to do?
It was only one mistake, why couldn’t Mr.Stark see that?
One silly, stupid, childish mistake.
Oh god.
All because of a stupid ferry and its stupid alien killing machine guns.
How does Mr.Stark expect him to just ignore his duties, he was chosen to be Spider-Man, he needs to save people!
That was literally the only thing he was good at.
How could they do that to him?
He can’t just tell him to quit, right?
He looked back at Mr.Stark who had a tight look in his face “okay, times up! Hand it over, kid.” He had an outstretched hand waiting patiently for him, but it wasn’t to help. No, not at all. This was going to be the one to tear his life apart.
He slowly peeled off the mask and dropped it into the open hand, it landed softly barley making a sound, unlike the sound in his heart (which was being crushed by the way.)
“Suit as well kiddo.”
“I don’t have any spare clothes with me…”
Tony rolled his eyes and muttered an “of course you don’t” before pulling a pair of gag touristy clothes that reminded him of the decathlon trip and give him a new wave of sadness realising just how shitty this situation is, “you can use these for now” handing the clothes to him.
He took the clothes and slid out of his suit, slightly embarrassed by Tony standing next to him with an bored/unimpressed look on his face, “c’mon Pete, people have things to do.”
“Want me to get a cab for you to get home?”
He hesitates “n- no, I think I’ll just… walk back.”
Once he handed the suit back he barely got another word in edgewise before Tony flew off leaving him by himself. Mind he was only a couple blocks from he and May’s place but still it kind of feels like Mr.Stark has abandoned him. But he’s pretty sure that’s more to do with him and his so called ‘attachment issues’
He wiped his tears away and forced down all the screwy stuff deep down.
The walk back to May’s was probably a perfect reaction to how he felt, rainy, cold and miserable.
He knew he could make a new suit, maybe a replica of his one before Tony’s one, it was pretty similar apart from y’know all the fancy, billion dollar tech that Mr.stark put in for him, he also wouldn’t have Karen but he can miss her later.
He stepped through the door and bit his lip realising that he was only going to be met with darkness. Nobody’s ever home anymore he thinks silently even if it’s selfish.
He just wants to be held by someone and be told they love him and then actually mean it and stick around, maybe over a pizza or two or three.
In the meantime he can find his old suit that’s buried somewhere in his wardrobe even if he was tempted to burn it he stopped himself before he went that far.
*
He wakes up startled drenched in sweat and- webs?
God why did nightmares always do this to him!? He looks down at his wrist, red with scratches which must’ve activated it, honestly he didn’t even notice that he was creating them. He cringes at the small hole where the webs come out which was an ugly reddish purple from overuse.
He groans and peels the web mound of him and slides down out of his makeshift hammock to the floor looking up at the night sky, starless but peacefully dark, like a blanket over the world.
He wonders how long it’ll be until May will let him in, is it now too soon? Probably, she deserves some space from him. He’ll wait until later and check in.
He cringes at the thought of May wanting space from him but crunches it down at carry’s on staring into the sky and skyscrapers, looming over him.
He smiles. He loves New York so much, the people (sometimes), the buildings, midtown, his home, Mj, Ned, May, Delmar’s deli, hotdogs, pizza, the avengers, Tony stark, the funny Spider-Man mercy he sees getting sold on the side shops and Amazon and he especially love nights in New York. The business on the streets that only grows louder and the lights which shine bright no matter how dark the day gets.
He checks his phone which is cracked in every single corner and sees a missed call from May.
OH SHIT!
The wind nips at his skin so he shimmies down the fire escape, giving his wrists a break to breath so they don’t get infected (has happened before WOULD NOT RECOMMEND!!!) and jumps right at the bottom with ease heading into the direction of May’s apartment trying to avoid some of the children who point their fingers at his mask (he definitely should’ve changed) but he mostly ignored it, maybe taking a few pictures and throwing out a few peace signs here and there but other than that he carried on down the streets before taking a left to where they live, running his hand along the the rusty handrail right up to the red door, he chucks of his spider mask and rolls up his sleeves under his shirt so there out of sight from May, he knows she’ll be disappointed in him if he shows up like that.
Maybe fate will give him a chance and May was calling him to tell him that she was going to take him back in and apologize so they can cry over tubs of off brand ice cream and chocolate bars.
Here goes nothing.
He opens the door and his heart instantly lurches out of his chest.
Oh my god
Red, so much red everywhere. The walls, the floor, the counters and sofa. Red, red blood so much blood .
Not just any blood May’s blood.
Oh .
She was there, on the floor. A halo of her brown hair crowned her face that was covered in blood, just like the rest of her body which was gashed and sloshed around the floorboards. Her innards were open and her torso was shredded just like his fucking heart.
This can’t be real.
It was all a blur he was crying and screaming around the body for what felt like hours, begging and sobbing covered in red. So, so much red.
Someone calls an ambulance and the police, maybe it was him he can’t remember anything other than May. Too late for the doctors just like he was too late for her. Oh god it was all his fault, how could fate do this to him?
Someone takes him away from her, his May, his Aunt, his world. Why were they doing this? Why wouldn’t they just let him stay with her? Why couldn’t they see that! It was all his fault, he should’ve never left her alone, how could he run off so selfishly while May was getting attacked probably because of him . It was all his fault.
How could he do this to her?
The sorrow chips away at his heartstrings as someone talks to him but he’s not listening instead he’s staring off in the distance. The words choreographed in his brain
His fault, it was his fault May died, his fault Ben died, his fault his Mother died, his fault his Father died, his fault Gwen died, his fault Henry died, his fault captain Stacy died, his fault the Stacy family was ruined, His fault Liz’s life was ruined, his fault that Ned was in danger, his fault MJ was in danger, his fault that he couldn’t save so many lives, his fault that Tony Stark now hated him, his fault he was such a failure, his fault that anything he touched turned to nothing more then dust and ashes, his fault nobody wanted him, his fault nobody cared, his fault everyone he loved died, his fault every relationship he had died the moment it started, his fault he let his guard down, his fault May died, his fault May died, his fault May died,
his fault May died, his fault May died, his fault May died, his fault May died, his fault May died, his fault May died, his fault May died, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault.
It was all his fault.
He had to leave before anyone else got hurt.
And so he left. He can’t sleep because every time he closes his eyes he sees her body. He doesn’t eat because he doesn’t have any money, he doesn’t go back to their apartment because it’s tainted with her and the police, he can’t think because whenever he does he just thinks about them.
He doesn’t do anything, just sit there and collect dirt and filth in an alleyway, like he deserves.
This is all he deserves.
spidermanspidermandoeswhateveraspidercan
He sits in an empty street corner, looking as strangers pass him in jackets and coats. The snow around his feet are getting heavier every single day and the lack of food has gotten to him, whenever he tries Spider-Man-ing he only ever stops one or two criminals due to the lack of webs from his wrist and his mangled spider suit.
He cringes at the thought, he’s been avoiding his wrists; which were infected and a reddish purple from near where the webs come out and they hurt a shit load whenever he tries to shoot them.
spidermanspidermandoeswhateveraspidercan
It had been four months and three and a half weeks since May died. Four months and two weeks since he’s been to school. Four months since he’s seen Ned and MJ. Five days since he’s eaten and when he did it was just half of a sandwich he found in a bin (not his proudest moment). Two and a half days since he’s drank any water. He doesn’t even know the last time he slept more than half an hour.
And he’s pretty sure he’s not gotten any better since the first night since May died, he has no food or shelter other than in empty alleys, his mouth is dry and parched and his mind feels fuzzy and the only thing he has left is two cent change in his pocket.
And he probably needs to bathe in disinfectant and soapy warm water because all the sloppy cuts and bruises which he had gotten from any criminal justice he tried to pursue look all blotchy with dried up blood and pus. It was all disgustingly pathetic.
He scowls at himself before curling around himself trying to block out the cold with the dark green hoodie he brought from a charity shop for seven bucks and thin jeans that he was wearing the day he ran from the hospital he cursed at himself for not bringing anything with him.
He hates this, he knows he could change it, go to CPS of the police station but that would mean that he’d be around other people, people that he could hurt.
And so he sits there, trying harder and harder not to give into the temptation of death and silence.
it would be so easy to put a gun to his head, to not stench out his wrist and throw another web out to support him, to take a few extra steps on a skyscraper.
but no, he needed to stay alive, if not for him for the people who died because of him.
he would stay alive.
for them.
He shout his eyes briefly before abruptly being interrupted as the hairs on his neck stood up, his spider sense was tingling and he heard a scream distantly. He stood up quickly ignoring the blood rush he was getting, slipped on his mask and got to wherever the hell his spidey sense was taking him.
As soon as he saw the burning building his blood went cold. He turned towards the a member of the fire department and immediately asked if anyone was in there,
“Yeah, as far as we know there’s a girl on the top floor. We’re trying your hardest but it’s pretty hard to get to.”
Without another second of anticipation he ran inside, ignoring all the shouts behind him and running up the flights of burnt stairs ‘ he had to do this, he needed to save someone’ he climbed through the burning mess of whatever was left of the building and followed the shouts and protests of the girl who was clutching a spot covered cat.
Fuck .
He rushed forward and scooped the girl and (presumably) her cat running to the window but stooping right as they got to the ledge.
And oh wow he did not think this through.
He couldn’t support both himself and the girl with his webs they were far to damaged and breakable latel, he wouldn’t be able to climb down with the girl as he had wouldn’t have any arms to hold her and it would be super unstable and far to risky, he couldn’t jump down because it was too far, he couldn’t go back the way he came because it was covered in flames and damaged wood.
He hates that his webs are shitty now that he hasn’t been eating or sleeping as much, but he can’t do anything about that now.
There was clearly only one choice. He grabbed the girl and carefully put her on the window sill making sure he was holding her grip.
“Hey kid. I’m gonna ask you to do something really important for me, okay?” His voice was scratchy, and he hasn’t spoken to anyone in months but it seems to reassure her and that’s all that really matters.
She nodded tearfully
“Okay so I’m gonna wrap you up and make a little harness for you and lower you down, do you think you can hold your cat, do you think you can do that for me?”
She nodded again and held her cat closer as he focused on his wrist and took a string of web silk even if it hurt like the flaming realms of hell and tied it around her carefully before tying it to another piece which was thicker and stronger and hurt even more to make before tying that piece to himself.
He spoke to her as calmly as he could despite the pain he was in, her safety was a lot more impressive than his own.
“Okay so I’m going to lower you down with my spider webs, they won’t break at all and you’re completely safe”
“O-okay-y” she spoke shakily,
He pulled up his mask a bit and smiled at her “wow, you really are brave”
She beamed at him before her face fell again as she looked down.
He could do this.
No he will do this.
He started lowering the girl slowly telling her she was brave all the way down even if she couldn’t hear him he guesses the last bit was more to himself then anything.
He could see a crowd forming at the bottom and a mattress in case she fell (which she wouldn’t) and everyone was cheering at him, the fire department, ambulance and the girl’s parents were down at the bottom watching carefully and worriedly.
Once the girl was right at the bottom he heard cheering so he let go of the web-rope and stared for a second making sure that the girl was far enough from from the building, he focused back on him getting out, he can probably just jump ou-
Right then the building engulfed in flames and collapsed.