You need to let go
Steve’s arm was loosely wrapped around her, his face nestled into the nape of her neck. He had fallen asleep for a while, but she hadn’t been able to close her eyes that night. Bucky’s return to the compound had affected her more than she cared to admit. Every time she tried to fall asleep, she was back in HYDRA’s base in Siberia; she was alert, her body reactive, and her mind restless.
In the weeks following the accident, she hadn’t trained much. Her body had needed rest, her mind even more so. She had spent a decade running, fighting, escaping, and tracking. Having a comfortable place, hot water, and a warm bed to fall asleep in at night was something she had never thought she’d have. She had wanted to enjoy it while it lasted because she was no fool, she knew this was temporary. She had been in bed with Captain America at the Avengers compound, she knew this couldn’t last.
She needed to regain her strength and consider what she could gain from being there. Carefully, she slid away from Steve’s arm and managed to pick up a pair of joggers.
She silently entered the elevator, thankful for Stark’s quiet technology. The doors opened to a cold, damp breeze that sent shivers down her spine. The hall was dimly lit with nothing but walls. She continued walking until she had to turn right, finding a slightly open door at the end of the hall with brighter light shining from it.
She wished she had her knives, as she didn’t believe that rats required light to live. She quietly entered the room, noticing two large, tidy shelves facing each other and a metal table at the end of the room. The room was silent, but the papers on the table suggested someone had been spending a significant amount of time there. As she cautiously navigated her way through the densely packed shelves, the echo of a familiar and almost bored voice filtered through the air behind her. “How did you know about this place?”
“Steve mentioned it.” Her response was simple, yet it seemed to add an extra layer of tension to the room.
“Of course.” The exasperation in Bucky’s voice was palpable.
“So now I know where you hide when no one can seem to find you.” Her voice carried a hint of triumph, but it only seemed to further aggravate him.
As she reached the table, she started to rifle through the files scattered across it. The rustling sounds of paper and her occasional soft hums of interest echo around the room, breaking the silence he had clearly been enjoying. James appeared by her side and quickly gathered the papers away from her. “Yeah, that’s the meaning of a hiding place - not to be found,” he retorted, the annoyance in his voice clear as day. Her presence was disrupting his peace,. “But the real question is, why are you sneaking around, Iris?”
Ignoring his question and his clear irritation, she snatched a file from the pile he was trying to hide and started reading the first page. He had been hiding here, reading through thousands of HYDRA’s files, searching for names, times, and locations. He was trying to delve into his own past, rebuild his memory, and rectify his mistakes. “HYDRA report No. 3419 - Siberia, January 2010.” Her voice, reading aloud the contents of the file, sliced through the room’s silence like a knife.
Before she could finish her sentence, a strong hand suddenly snatched the piece of paper from hers. The motion was swift and precise, spinning her around. Her back was pressed against the cold, metal of the table. A knife was pressed against her throat.
Her eyes snapped up to meet his, an icy blue stare that sent a shiver down her spine. Not completely from fear, but something else, something she thought was long gone. The proximity of their bodies, the intensity of his gaze; it all stirred the ghost of a well-known sensation within her.
“I’m going to ask you one more time,” he growled, his voice low and threatening, “what are you searching for?” The words were demanding, leaving no room for evasion. She felt the pressure of the knife increase with each word, the table edge biting into her lower back. She could feel his breath against her skin.
But then she saw it, the flicker in his eyes that betrayed him. They were not cold, they were filled with a storm of emotions. Pain, regret, nightmares, anger, emotions that mirrored her own. His gaze as the Winter Soldier had been terrifying yes, but now, whoever this man actually was, it was filled with a raw vulnerability.
“You needed to let go, James,” she said, feeling the knife pressing harder. “You need to release all of them, those you’d hurt and those who’d hurt you. You can’t keep living trying to amend the past”
“It’s easy for you to say,” he responded. “You have no idea how it feels to wake up every day reminded of all the people you’ve killed, the pain you’ve caused.”
She could feel the heat radiating from his body, a stark contrast to the cold metal at her back. His presence was overpowering, his scent intoxicating was bringing her back to well-hidden memories.
“I know, I don’t. I was no Winter Soldier, but I was there. I saw what you did, how it affected you, and how you couldn’t stop.”
“Then why the fuck do you hate me Iris?” he cried out, both in anger and pain
“Because hate was easier than tears, easier than guilt” she finally had the courage to admit, to him and to herself. He looked at her furrowing his brows, confused.
“I needed you when I wasn’t completely under their control. When I was with you, I was starting to put the pieces back together,” he spat out. “What did you mean the night of Tony’s party? What did you mean that you were doing everything for a reason?” he pressed his knife.
“The reason was you, James. How could you not see it? In all that hell, they let me stay human, and kept my mind and my humanity intact. If I hadn’t followed them, they would have taken off your leash and made you wipe out entire families, more than you were already doing. I couldn’t live with that, and I knew you couldn’t too.” she cried out.
“YOU WERE THERE AND YOU LEFT ME”
“JAMES, THE KNIFE”
They both shouted, causing him to release her. She touched her throat, she was bleeding. James stood a few feet away, glancing between her and the knife, almost as if he blacked out for the past few minutes.
“I, I… I didn’t mean to…”
“I know,” she replied, unsure if that was true. “You ruined me, James,” she sighed. “You know, it didn’t take HYDRA long to realize that I finally had something worth losing. They thought they could keep me there forever or until someone would eventually kill you,” she paused. “I needed my freedom back. I needed it so badly, sometimes I wished I would be the one to kill you.”
A moment of silence hung in the air
She backed away towards the door, hand on her wound. His voice echoed down the corridor.
“I don’t trust Iris”
“I don’t trust you either James”
Without looking back, she headed to her room, needing the comfort of Steve’s arms.