"Nat, Nat, Naaaaat?!" Tony is not cute when he's wheedling. Nat quirks the corner of her mouth, which he takes as permission to continue. "Help me with Bucky. You NEED to teach me how you have sex with knives on, preferably safely. Like how do you actually hide that many knives on you without getting cut? I've seen copies of your shield debriefs. I know you have roughly 25 weapons on you right now."
"Who says I don't get cut?" Nat waits for Rhodey to push back from the table with a groan. As he works his way over to the door, he calls back over his shoulder, "What I miss most about my legs is stomping out." Tony subvocalizes to Jarvis to remind him to add a stomp feature to Rhodeys next leg braces. Nat leans forward to signal Tony to proceed with the sex knives talk instead of muttering about cup holders and stomping being contraindicated.
"I need to?" Nat deadpans but also leans just so slightly forward whereas before she had managed to appear relaxed.
Tony throws his hands up between them as either a shield or a gesture of surrender or an effort to placate her. Whatever, it works. She doesn't kick his ass, so it's a win. "Nah," she says, "ask Bucky. He's better at it anyway. Who do you think taught me?"
"Wait? What?? That's where you learned that!" Clint demands as he gracefully leaps from the vent above the table. Loki sneakily procures a cucumber from under his cape and no one wants to guess from where. While Clint is distracted, Loki sets the vegetable right behind Clint's left foot. Clint glares at Nat and signs, "weren't you a child when you met the Winter Soldier in the Red Room?" Clint always signs Bucky's call sign ambiguously between 'winter' and 'cold.' Clint had strong feelings about the accords but he was always ambivalent about the man who taught Nat to survive and how to. In the Red Room.
"At first." She signs, then shrugs one shoulder. Then she distracts him from that line of questioning with a jerk of her chin towards the cucumber. Clint finally notices it out of the corner of his eye and stumble jumps back about six feet up and back before physics rears its ugly head again and he catches his left foot on Bruce's shoulder before tumbling over the back of the couch. "Oof." Bruce holds out a hand to help him up. Instead, Clint narrows his eyes, unrolls himself then crab scuttles quickly away from the slightly green man before perching on top of the kitchen cabinets.
Nat snorts. It's a truer sign of humor than the usual musical and feminine peals of laughter most people get to hear. Clint forgives Loki a little more. Not much. Just a little. He knows intellectually that Loki was just as mind controlled as he was during the invasion. Tony was the one who figured out the myriad ways Loki resisted Thanos' will and actually created the circumstances that allowed the Avengers to win while still technically being subject to Thanos' orders. Malicious compliance at its Trickster best. But that's just it, Loki's a trickster and Clint can't help but realize that Loki came out on top whether Thanos or the Avengers won. So, no. Nope. No. Fuck that. As nice as it is for Nat to let loose, he does not forgive Loki. Not even a little.
His feelings don't improve when Thor booms out a laugh, too and then says, "Ah, brother. You're right. He's like a cat. Trejgul acts just like him. Tell me, fierce maiden, does your pet also sit in any empty box and love the high ground?" Nat smirks, thinking of Clint's nest on top of Avenger's tower. Clint sputters. He doesn't know if he's more offended at being referred to as Nat's pet (is that wrong, though? He's not sure.) or because they think he's cat-like. He's not a cat. He's a dog person, Goddamn it. Just ask Lucky.
Loki interrupts Clint's train of thought with his oily, horrible voice, "soo, sex knives?"
"Yes, lady warrior, please. We'd all love to see your knife sex," Thor says so artlessly that absolutely no one is offended. Except Jane. Who knows better and pinches him in the arm.
"He's not wrong, though," mutters Darcy so quietly that only Steve and Peter hear her. They both turn bright red.
Peter's just glad he's in his mask and no one can see. "This is definitely an 18 plus conversation. I am soooo not ready for this."
Steve shoots Tiny a dirty look. "Just how old is Spiderman? Is he a minor! Tone? Tony? Don't ignore me Tony."
Tony just shrugs and says, "eh, he's old enough. You have posted some seriously adult stuff on FetLife."
Peter retorts ,"How would you know? You spend a lot of time there?"
"I had Jarvis hack you." Peter hears the lie in his heartbeat. Thanks, Matt. Cool trick.
"Anyway, some of us are grown and get to do adult stuff safely unlike what I saw you post in the weapons kink forum last night."
Peter accidently pulls the arm off of his chair. "Mr. Stark. That wasn't me. A friend stole my phone last week. Honest."
Across town, Wade pulls out the metaphorical popcorn, then some literal popcorn. Stealing Peteypie's phone is totally paying off and not just because he has a lifetime ban from the knife kink forums. Katanas are just big knives, right? And whatever doesn't kill you makes you harder, right? The boxes agree.
Then Peter looks directly at Steve, his white mask eyes go comically wide. "Don't worry, Mr. Rogers, sir. I'm 18."
"Hehe. Mr. Rogers. Wait a minute," says Sam head snapping back and forth between Steve and Tony, "you're 18? As in 18 NOW?! How old were you in Germany?! Did you bring a literal KID to Germany? Did I fight a kid without a driver's license? I hate you, Stark "
"To be fair," Peter deflects, "I still don't have a license. And I have webs so ... "
"Are you Spiderbaby on FetLife?" Darcy bursts out excitedly.
Peter mumbles "maybe" at the same time Tony answers, "yes" and mimes puking.
"Hmm. I've totally been following your posts in the weapons kink and shibari groups. Were those ropes or webs in yesterday's post," asks Darcy.
Peter makes zero eye contact with anyone as he mumbles, "both."
"Shit. I've seen your posts, kid. You look just as good in rubber as you do in Spandex," says Clint appraisingly.
"Nannites, not Spandex," mutters Tony.
"I always thought that was Nat's account," admitted Steve.
"Mr. Apple pie has a FetLife account?" Demands Tony.
"No," denies Steve. "Bucky does. He brought my attention to the account, said it had a clear connection to the Avengers based on the background of one of the pics."
"That tracks," says Nat. Sam nods in agreement. So does Peter. He can hear by Steve's heart when he lies. So he rips off the other arm of the chair when Steve lies, "I only glanced at it months ago and determined it wasn't a security risk. It's not like I am into any of that. But, son, we SHOULD have a talk. Tony's right. Some of the stuff in the weapons kink forum was not safe." Fucking Wade. Pete can not figure out how Wade keeps guessing his new harder passwords. Fourth wall must be some top secret hacking software.
"I can't believe there's a such thing as a weapon kink," says Sam.
"Bullshit. You started the first weapons kink forum," Tony calls him out hard.
Suddenly, everyone is talking at once. Clint turns off his hearing aids. It sucks when they all talk at once. Plus,
Clint so does not want to hear the team discuss Nat and sex. It's not quite as mortifying as Fury dissecting a honey trap mission with clinical coldness but still. He settles in on the kitchen cabinets for a little nap but accidentally sets his face down on a slice of pizza. "That's where I left you," he says while peeling it off his cheek. He shoved the entire slice in his mouth and grins at Nat. She smiles at him fondly. She's always got one eye on him. Always. She even notices him rub the pizza sauce off his face with the back of his hand before shrugging and licking his hand and wrist clean. He doesn't notice he does it but she does.
Nat quicky gets up and heads away from him to the coffee pot so Clint won't see her reaction. Before she gets there, Tony grabs the pot, pulls a flask out of his pocket, doctor's the whole pot then lifts the whole pot to his mouth and drinks directly from it. She gives Tony the same unimpressed look she gives Clint when he drinks from the pot. Though she's a little impressed Tony manages it without burning his mouth like Clint always does.
"So, speaking of weapons ...?" The puppy dog eyes Tony gives her have zero impact on her decision. None. She's immune to please face. Clint tries that shit all the time never works. Ok. Never works unless Peter does it. Peter is dangerous for so many reasons but mostly because he makes her soft. She shakes the thought away and grabs Tony by the front of his shirt and drags him out of the common room towards her room followed by wolf whistles.
†***************
By the time Nat leads Tony back out, Bucky has taken his usual spot in the corner where he can see all the exits. Clint's glaring at Bucky and Bucky is glaring right back. Nat looks smug. Tony clanks when he walks. Everyone looks around shifty eyed except Bucky and Sam who look at each other and burst out laughing. Sam hands Bucky a dollar, saying, "I didn't think he'd do it. I really didn't think he'd do it. Bucky, you are a fucking genius." Everyone except Steve yells, "language!" Steve is never going to live that down. When Tony realizes it's all just a bet, his face falls for a second, then he plasters on his press conference grin.
Steve's face goes tight. Bucky is suddenly remembering a million different times Steve got that look. Always right before his righteous fury started some hopeless fight. Stubborn little asshole. Wait! Not so little anymore. Bucky shakes his head like a dog shakes off water. It's the same look Steve had on the helicarrier when he refused to fight. "Bucky..." Steve growls and suddenly all the Avengers are quiet and looking at the two of them. The last time they heard Steve like that, a German airport got destroyed. "Was this a BET?!?!!"
Then Steve starts removing weapons of all sorts from his person. The table starts accumulating a huge pile of weapons. There's at least four guns and a baker's dozen of knives being unstrapped. And a grenade. And two throwing stars? Tony actually starts critically thinking about where exactly Steve had them hidden because the number of weapons Steve had concealed on his person should not be physically possible. Tony should know. He designed the latest Captain America costume because, really? Spandex? C'mon, shield do better. He's a super soldier but body armour is a thing and it's not a war bonds drive. Not that Steve doesn't look good in spandex... Wait! Is that a sword?! Where the hell did he hide a sword? Tony just learned first hand from Natasha how to hide weapons and Steve is a clown car if weapons. Clint is not surprised. He's literally seen Nat produce a weapon from seemingly nowhere while completely nude...and handcuffed to a bed.
Bucky looks a little sick but pleads with Steve, "listen, doll face, don't blow your wig. You got it all wrong. I was joking with Tony. I told him no way could he secret more weapons on himself than I could. But it didn't mean nuthin."
"I'm not your doll face," Steve mutters sullenly.
"Yes you are," Bucky responds. Then Bucky's whole face changes. His eyebrows lift. His jaw unclenches for once. He looks so open and young and vulnerable. "Yes. You. Are." Bucky repeats quietly now, with conviction, like he remembers something new.
Steve's face becomes the mirror image of Bucky's. Completely open and hopeful. "So you didn't tell Tony to hide as many weapons on himself as possible so you could find them all as you peeled off his clothes?"
"What?" Tony and Bucky both sputter out in surprise at the same time.
Bucky sadly says, "Nah, I only said that to you." He grins up at Steve from under his long bangs, eyes half lidded. "I kinda forgot about that conversation, or I tried to anyway when you never actually took me up on the offer. That was six months ago Steve and you never gave any indication."
"What are you even talking about, you jerk. I've been walking around with that sword handle jammed in my kidney for six months."
Bucky just grins. "Why didn't you say nuthin, punk?"
"Punk?" Rhodey stage whispers to Sam. "Do you think he knows what that means now?" Sam shrugs. He can never tell with Bucky who was awakened intermittently for missions but whose entire memory is swiss cheese. Plus he's pretty sure Bucky just plain fucks with him, sometimes pretending to know something he doesn't, sometimes pretending not to know something he does.
Steve ignores them completely and hesitantly stutters out, "I didn't tell you because I thought you knew I was armed to the teeth. I thought you knew but what you said before? About stripping me down to find 'em? I thought you weren't serious."
"Don't be Dingy, Stevie. I'm always serious about you." He links arms with Steve like he has a million times before and starts to lead him away to the privacy of his room. "Where'd you learn to hide weapons so good, huh?"
"Bucky, you nutcase. I taught you how to do that in France," said Steve with fond amusement.
Right before they leave the room, Bucky glances back with all the suave flirtatious verve he used to have and announces, "I know what a punk is, but do you?"
Only Peter's and Matt's enhanced hearing picks up the following conversation as the two super soldiers duck into Bucky's room. "You're a punk."
"No. You're a punk."
"No. Well, yes. Sometimes. We can take turns?"