Feelings Hidden
Over the past few days, Kurt had stayed awake a little longer until he’d been able to stay awake a whole day. Since Bucky had directed him to do so, Torres had been handling a double shift of watching Kurt and keeping an eye on Sam.
Every time Kurt had woken up, he’d asked Torres where Kitty and Logan were. Torres told him about what had happened to Logan, but he left out what had happened with Kitty. He told himself he’d tell Kurt eventually. Then, now knowing Logan wouldn’t be there, Kurt would ask where Kitty was. Without fail, Torres would lie and say she was out getting food or changing clothes at the base. Once, Kurt had questioned the absence of Bucky, with Torres’s response being that he’d been called away for a mission.
On this particular Thursday, Kurt had spent the day reading Treasure Island. Unlike other mornings, Kurt hadn’t asked Torres any questions. He would, however, glance up at him every so often and then look back at the book when he looked back at him.
Finally, the silent treatment was getting to Torres so he had to ask, “Are you mad at me?”
“Depends, are you telling ze truth?” Kurt questioned back, lowering the book.
“About what?” Torres feigned innocence, looking away.
“She’s not here, is she?” Kurt asked, clearly referring to Kitty.
Torres sighed, deciding to finally be honest, “No, Kurt, she isn’t here.”
“Vhere is she zen?” Kurt questioned, straightening up and then wincing as the pain in his side hit a high for a moment.
“Some stuff happened and she left, but Bucky’s out looking for her,” Torres tried to comfort him, watching the concern on his face grow.
“Vhy did she leave?” Kurt asked, his tone slightly accusatory.
“Like I said, stuff went down and she had to run,” Torres remained vague, raising his hands.
“Run?” Kurt’s eyes widened and then he looked like he was straining himself. He squirmed in his bed and sheets, looking through them, the panic in his voice growing, “Vhy can’t I teleport?”
Torres got up from his seat and rushed over to Kurt’s side, “Hey, it’s okay. It’s just a restraining thing they put on your ankle. It’ll be off soon, don’t worry.”
At this news, Kurt took off the sheets and swung his legs over the side to see the small yellow collar on his left ankle with a blinking pink light. Kurt started breathing fast and tried to steady himself by running a hand through his hair.
Torres wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but he could recognize fear and anxiety when he saw it, “Hey, hey it’s ok. I’m here.”
Kurt locked eyes with him but clearly couldn’t stop his frantic breathing. Torres grabbed his hand, “First breathe in. Take a deep, long breath in, Kurt.”
Kurt struggled at first and then did as directed, stopping himself and then struggling through a deep breath. Torres nodded, “You’re doing great. Now breathe out.”
Kurt nodded and breathed out, taking his time. He then looked to Torres for further guidance, “Now repeat until you feel in control.”
Kurt nodded again and repeated the process until he was breathing normally again and didn’t feel that tight feeling in his stomach.
Once he was calm enough, he apologized, “I am sorry you had to see zat.”
“Man, don’t worry about it, you weren’t okay and I get that. I’ve been there,” Torres gave him a comforting smile.
Kurt sighed, “I’m sorry, I have not had these kind of restraints on since HYDRA,” He lifted his foot to look at the restraint closer.
“No, I should be apologizing, they put that thing on you when I went to get food. I should’ve made a nurse keep watch,” Torres shook his head and then paused, “If you don’t mind me asking, were you at HYDRA at the same time as Bucky?”
“Ja, viele years ago. It is vhere Kitty and I met. Ve vere so young,” Kurt recounted, looking out the window, “Ve never saw him, but ve vere varned of his strength. Ve vould be varned against acting out. I never met him during zat time, but Kitty did.”
“That..” Torres thought for a moment, “That actually explains a lot.”
“I zuppose it does, huh?” Kurt cracked a fraction of a smile.
“Look, Kurt, I have to be honest because if I don’t say anything, it might actually kill me,” Torres finally broke, pursuing honesty. Kurt now looked concerned as Torres started, “Kitty ran off because we think that she overheard something Sam said about putting you two in prison despite the deal that Sam had made with Logan. Then apparently she tried to kill him and made a run for it.”
“I- vhat?” Kurt looked baffled and then shook his head, “Zat does not zound right.”
“That’s what Bucky said,” Torres recalled, “At first I didn’t believe him and then I saw the SHIELD agents outside and we talked to Sam and something felt off about him.”
“How so?” Kurt asked.
“He seemed really,” Torres trailed off, thinking of a way to describe it, “Unusually uptight. If you know Sam, you know that he’s kind of laid back. He follows his own logic, not always one for rules.”
Kurt nodded and then looked at the door, “He follows more rules zen?”
“Yeah, it sounds weird, but it makes sense if you know him,” Torres rambled off.
“Nein, nein, I understand. He vas on ze run for a few years after ze fight at ze airport, richtig?” Kurt went to clarify, making it known he understood.
“Yeah, that’s right,” Torres remembered.
Kurt let out a soft chuckle and then spoke, “Ve vere very concerned back zen, I remember. Ze Sokovia Accords threatened the mutant way of life.”
“I have to ask, but if mutants were so prominent, why did we, and by we I mean SHIELD, never find any?” Torres decided to take the chance and start asking the big questions.
“Because ve did not vant to be found,” Kurt said simply and then decided to delve into an explanation, “I vill tell you how it vas told to me.”
Torres smiled and then nodded, eagerly waiting for his story.
“Ve have always existed, but ve have been driven into hiding our peculiarities. Throughout history, ve have been seen as beasts, gods, angels, demons,” Kurt gestured to his tail, “But humanity’s fear as vell as our own inner terrors have forced us into hiding. For many years, mutants roamed the earth, believing themselves to be freaks just as ve vere painted out to be. And every single one believed zey vere alone.”
There was a momentary pause as Kurt made sure Torres was still listening. He then went on, “That vas, until two mutants met in a hospital. One vas named Charles Xavier, he vas- is a telepath chile ze ozer vas a Holocaust survivor named Erik Lehnsherr who could manipulate metal. Ze two men became good friends and soon realized zeir shared quality.”
“Zeir friendship vould be tested by zeir views time and time again. Vhile both men vanted a future vith mutants in ze limelight, Charles, oder Professor X as he vould be known, believed in coexistence vhile Erik, or later Magneto, believed in mutant superiority.”
“Are they still alive?” Torres asked suddenly.
Kurt chuckled and nodded, “Ze Professor are both alive und vell ze last time I checked,” He answered and the continued, “Ze Professor vould open a school for mutants vhile Magneto vould pursue the creation of a group of mutant radicals that actively vorked for a mutant controlled future. Ze Professor vould create a team of his most formidable students zat he vould call ze X-men vhile Magneto vould form ze Brozerhood.”
“Ze two teams vould fight time and time again until one day, one of ze Professor’s X-men brought two young people to his school. Ze two youths vere frightened and weak. Ze Professor and one of his ozer students, a young telepath named Jean, vould use zeir minds to find out what happened. Zey found unimaginable horrors done to mutants. Lambs led to ze slaughter or morphed into monsters or villains. Zese discoveries led ze Professor to contact Magneto. Togezer, ze two men decided to protect mutantkind to ze best of zeir ability and zey founded an island nation, hidden avay from ze rest of ze vorld vhere mutants could be protected. Magneto agreed to rule ze island of Genosha vhile ze Professor vould stay back in ze human dominated vorld, making sure no human could ever expose ze existence of our kind,” Kurt finished.
“So, where are the X-men and the Brotherhood now?” Torres questioned, “Because I feel like people like that, duking it out, would be pretty noticeable.”
“Ze Brozehood still exist, but zey have since dwindled in number. Zose few are dealt vith by ze remaining X-men,” Kurt explained shortly.
“Remaining X-men?” Torres tilted his head.
“Zere have been a series of events zat have led many members of ze X-men to leave und rejoin. Nowadays, it is a very fragmented team,” Kurt said with a sigh.
“I’m gonna take a wild guess and say you, Kitty, and Logan were on that team,” Torres guessed with a slight smirk.
Kurt did not return it, and instead looked at the ground, “Ja.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, why’d you leave?” Torres questioned.
“Disagreements,” He answered simply and then rubbed his face, “Und grief.”
“Grief?” Torres asked, his expression being a mixture of concern and pity.
Kurt nodded solemnly, “Zey- Kitty and Logan- never bring it up und I’ve never been one to reveal ze zings zey hold so close to zeir hearts. People on ze team always blame ze split on ze disagreements. No one vould ever blame Jean’s death.”
“Jean? Right, yeah, the other telepath you mentioned,” Torres processed for a moment, “Wait, she’s dead?”
Kurt sighed, “Ja, she passed avay. It hit Logan hard. Kitty as vell. Ze rest of ze team too. Zen zere vas a disagreement and all ze pent up emotions came to ze front until ze team fell apart.”
Torres shook his head, “That’s a really bad way to go out”
“It vas a family and to many, it still is,” Kurt looked at the ground sadly.
Torres watched his expression become downcast, “You miss it, don’t you?”
Kurt sniffled, “Can you do a favor for me?” He asked, lifting his head to look him in the eye.
“Sure,” Torres agreed with slight surprise at the change of subject.
“Ze vatch. Can you bring me ze vatch?” Kurt requested with a twinkle of hope in his eye.
“Are you gonna try and contact Kitty?” Torres asked.
“I vill try in ze hopes of helping vith ze search,” Kurt said.
“Then yeah, I’ll try and get it,” Torres gave him a smile and a thumbs up and left the room. He wandered down the hall until he found Sam.
“Hey, Sam, do you, by chance, know where Kurt’s watch is?” He asked him lightly, hoping to not set off any alarms in his head.
“Why do you need the watch?” Sam looked up from the tablet, questioning his intentions.
“Well, I, uh,” Torres tried to think of an excuse, “I thought since Kitty made the watches, maybe there’s a way to track it?”
Sam looked at him blankly and then nodded, “Good thinking, Torres. The watch is with the rest of his things.”
“And where is that?” Torres asked again.
Sam sighed with slight irritation, another out of character trait for him, “They’ve temporarily been stored in a storage closet down the hall.”
“Thanks,” Torres gave him an awkward thumbs up and departed down the hall, looking for the supposed storage closet.
He was able to find it and he went inside, finding a box labeled ‘Blue Guy’ and taking it out before putting it on the ground. He filtered through the box, the contents only being Kurt’s bloodstained suit and a few dollars. He then victoriously fished out the gray and orange watch. He then put the box back on the shelf and left for Kurt’s room.
He walked into Kurt’s room and made sure nobody else was coming before he handed him the watch.
“Vielen Dank, mein Freund,” Kurt thanked him and looked over the watch. He turned it over, “It looks like she deactivated zem.”
“So there’s no way to contact her, huh,” Torres concluded.
“Zere might be hope,” Kurt declared and then fiddled with the watch.
Torres watched him eagerly for a few moments, excited by the new development.
After fidgeting for a while, Kurt looked up at him and shook his head, “It might be a vhile.”
“I’m gonna leave you to it then,” Torres said, standing up, “It’s been a few days since I showered and I just-”
“Ich weiß,” Kurt nodded with a chuckle, “I vill pretend to be in too much pain to valk.”
Torres grinned and then made his way to the door, giving him one last thumbs up before leaving and shutting the door behind him.
Kurt let the faint smile fade from his face. He swung his legs back over the bed and leaned back against the stiff hospital pillow. His gaze fell on the bandages wrapped tightly around his abdomen. The white bandages were in sharp contrast to his dark blue skin. And then there was the dried blood that shone on one side. He tried not to look at it for too long before glancing down at the restraint on his ankle. He moved his ankle, watching the restraint clank and clack. Had Kitty been here, she would have pried it right off and then ridiculed how amateurish it looked. Had she made that comment, he would have joked that they gave it a good try. The momentary glimpse of fondness sent Kurt tumbling back into that familiar loneliness.
Except this time he wasn’t in a HYDRA cell. And there was no friendly little girl in the cell next door. He was alone. And he had no way of hiding himself anymore. It was times like these when he thought he would be better off someone else entirely. In someone else’s skin and bones. Without blue skin or yellow eyes or a tail. He looked at his hands and felt an ache thrumming in his stomach.
He didn’t want to hurt anymore. Not so much in the sense that he didn’t want to feel the sharp pain from his healing wound, but more so that he wanted to stop feeling like there was something dragging him down. Whenever things got comfortable or felt right, things like this would happen again.
And he was starting to think the common factor was him.
He shook his head. If Logan had been here, he would have told him that a bad day is not a big deal and you have to kick it in the ass. Kurt looked at the watch and managed to override the shutdown order. He tried to think of a message he could say. Or even if it was a good idea to send it.
He finally typed in a “Miss you,” and decided to sleep off these feelings.
^^^
Hours later, he woke up, feeling just as exhausted as before and still overwhelmed. He still felt like he was sinking into the bed, being pushed down by some invisible weight. He rolled over and checked the watch, finding a message there for him.
Miss you too. Coming soon. Feel better :)
Kurt smiled and felt a small tear fall down his cheek. Maybe he wasn’t alone.