I'm So Sorry
Tony Stark's life had always been a great topic for the tabloids. The billionaire's eccentric, playboy lifestyle was easy to twist and create rumors about. It only heightened when he revealed himself as Iron Man to the world. His past was always on display for billions to judge him and his ability to protect them. Of course, he never let it bother him. He'd grown up with it, it wasn't anything new.
But it was different now.
He'd failed.
Not just the world, but the kid.
His kid.
Peter. Peter Parker. The bright-eyed sixteen-year-old kid he'd found on YouTube and blackmailed into fighting on his side. The child he gave a high-tech suit to, to protect him, then took it away and left the kid to deal with an alien arms dealer by himself. The kid who'd followed him onto a stupid flying donut leaving the planet with him stuck to the side. The kid who fought against a purple giant for some glowing stones when he should've been on Earth telling his aunt about a fun field trip.
The kid who he failed. The kid who crumbled to ash.
His kid who died in his arms.
The kid who died because of him.
When he and Blue Meanie, as he dubbed her, were stuck in space waiting to slowly starve or run out of oxygen, a part of him was morbidly relieved Peter wasn't with him. He didn't know if he could handle watching the kid's body turn as sickly as his own. No, he knew he couldn't handle it. He wouldn't be able to handle watching the boy's arms get so thin and twiglike to the point they looked like a strong wind would snap them. He wouldn't have been able to watch as the boy's ribs and collarbones appeared even through his suit. He wouldn't have been able to handle his the kid's cheeks lose their baby fat and sink, leaving his face hollow from starvation.
And it would've happened quicker than Tony, because the boy, the kid, the child, needed more food than him. A lot more.
Tony waited to die. He waited to starve. He would stare at his arms and face, feeling sick at how his cheek bones were glaringly apparent even in the dim lighting of space. He would wait for something to do wrong while they attempted to fix the ship. Waited for something to explode. It never did. No mercy, not even small ones.
He tried not to think about Pepper oh God, Pepper. Was she even alive? Was she alone? Did she die too? Did she crumble to ash? Does she know how much I love her? I never said it enough, WHYDIDN'TISAYITMORE-
He tried not to think about May What about May? Did she die alone? Did she die worrying about her nephew who died thousands of light years away from anything he even-
He tried not to think about Rhodey Was he dead too? Did he die thinking Tony was gone already? Was he scared? He didn't like falling. Did someone catch him? Was anyone there- And he tried not to think about Happy Could he be gone too? Was he gone? Who else was gone? Was he alone too? Was-
He failed. A lot.
The whole time he was in space and all he could think about were his failures PETER, PEPPER, MAY, RHODEY, HAPPY, PETER, PEPPER, MAY, RHODEY, HAPPY, MOM, PETER, PEPPER, MAY, RHODEY, HAPPY, MOM, PETER, PEPP-
He sent a last message to the woman he loved. He sent a silent goodbye to Rhodey. He waited to be with his boy again. He waited to see Peter again.
But that never happened. Instead, they were rescued. A glowing woman- and Tony couldn't even be as shocked as he usually would. All he could think about: Peter would love this.
The woman flew under the ship and suddenly they were movies. The planets and stars they'd been slowly drifting by in the emptiness of space suddenly passed in the blink of an eye. Peter would love this.
He could see their solar system. They were passing by Neptune. Peter would love this.
They were entering Earth's atmosphere. Peter would love this. They flew past the Statue of Liberty as the sun set. Peter would love this. They were gliding over trees of the countryside. Peter would love this. They were gently touching down onto the grass of the Compound's campus.
Peter would've loved that.
Blue Meanie was in front of him, pulling gently on his arm. She was quietly saying something to him, but he felt like he was underwater. He let out a groan as he pulled him out of the chair, only for his legs to very nearly collapse under him. She held him up, tugging him along by his arm. The door lowered and a man was jogging toward him.
Blonde hair, muscles like Thor, gate of- oh.
Tony tensed as then descended the stairs and Rogers reached to him. He couldn't trust him but... who was left? So he allowed the super soldier to steady him and help him down. There were so many thing he wanted to say. 'What happened here?' 'How bad?' 'Who's left?' 'Who did we lose?' 'Where's-'
"I couldn't beat him," He blurted out. Well that wasn't what he meant to say. But the super soldier was quick to answer.
"Neither could I," He said, his voice tinged with sadness and loss.
Loss. The kid he lost. "H-he- I," Tony said, planting his feet and stopping Steve from moving further. The man gently stopped to look Tony in the eye.
"I lost the kid," He said, his voice dead. Defeated. The grief and guilt was obvious.
Steve's expression shifted to something sympathetic. Tony wanted to hate him for it, but... what was the point? "Tony, we all lost."
Tony wanted to yell it wasn't the same. He lost a kid, but he didn't want to cry. Not yet, not until he knew...
"Is-um," He stammered, not wanting to know the answer. "Is she-?"
But then someone else was there, her strawberry blonde hair gently blowing in the wind as she reached for him.
"Tony," A painfully familiar voice gasped.
His eyes filled with relieved tears as she pulled him close. "Pep," He nearly sobbed in relief. "Oh." She never looked to beautiful. There was something left. Something Thanos hadn't ruined, hadn't destroyed.
He held her as tight as he could. He was weak and bony, but she didn't care. She only held him tighter, holding back a gag when she felt his collarbone poking into her arm. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, trying his best to comfort her. Her. She almost laughed at the absurdity of the action. She wasn't hurt. She didn't nearly starve to death in the cold vacuum of space. She didn't fight a homicidal, purple alien. Tony did.
Pepper reluctantly pulled away to gently lead him to the compound. He stumbled trying to step forward but continued on anyway. Because that's what he did. He always kept moving. He always kept going forward.
Tony didn't know how he was going to keep going. Peter's holographic face was displayed in front of him. He was lying in a bed in the med-bay of the compound. His "little tantrum" had tired him out. He'd collapsed, because of course he had to collapse, right in front of the super soldier who already thought he was weak. Pepper was asleep in one of the chairs next to him. He still could hardly believe she was okay. That she and Rhodey and Happy were okay. They were here; whole and alive, not crumbling to ash like Pet-
Stop. No. Not now.
He couldn't think of it right now. No, it wouldn't help. It wouldn't help anyone to have a panic attack right now. Now he just needed to-
"But Mr. Stark, what about May?"
Tony's eyes sprung open. Was he going insane?
"I can't just leave her. She'll worry too much."
Familiar words. Not going insane, just... just memories. Yeah, yup. Okay, okay he could handle that. May. The kid was right, he'd always been right. May... if she was still alive... God, she must be so worried. And Peter's friends? What were their names? Maggie and Ted? No, that wasn't it.
"FRIDAY," He rasped quietly, to not wake Pepper.
"Yes, boss?" The AI whispered in response, matching his quiet tone.
"Get me out of this room," Tony said, pulling back the sheets, wincing as it pulled at the stitches on his side.
"That isn't not wise, boss."
"I need to call someone." He said, reaching for the wheelchair on his bed and grasping the right handlebar, pulling it closer to the bed.
"I will call them from here-"
"No," Tony cut her off sternly, groaning in pain as he practically crawled to the side of the bed and pulled himself over the edge. He gasped in relief as he sagged into the seat of the wheelchair. That shit hurt. "I need to do this alone. It's for Peter, Fri. I have to call his aunt. For him."
The AI was silent. Tony smiled sadly. FRIDAY had liked Peter- well, as much as an AI could like a person. He knew she wouldn't snitch. So he quietly wheeled himself out of the room, opening the door and sighing in relief that the door hadn't creaked and woken pepper.
He'd planned to call May in the living room but instead found himself in front of Peter's door. His room hadn't been used a lot, but on some weekends, he'd spent the night after a particularly long lab session. He opened the door quietly, his gaze going straight to the bed. A part of him half-expected to find Peter asleep, bundled under the thick comforter.
Of course, he wasn't. The bed was empty and Peter was dead. He'd crumbled to ash in his arms, the ashes sticking to Tony's blood-slicked hands- the ashes that didn't scrub off- the ashes that-that stayed on his hands and arms for days.
The ashes he'd desperately tried to scrape off with any sharp tool he could get his hands on. The ashes he spilt his own blood over.
"Boss," FRIDAY's calm, quiet voice interrupted his spiraling. "You are at the compound. You have been returned to earth. You are currently in Mr. Parker's room at the compound. You were planning on calling May Parker. You are safe here, boss."
Tony breathed heavily, gasping and trying to reign in his emotions. Tears dribbled down his cheeks, which he quickly scrubbed away. Tears wouldn't help May. Stark men are made of Iron. Tears wouldn't help May.
'If she was alive,' A traitorous little voice reminded him.
"Friday," Tony croaked. "Call May Parker."
A quiet ringing sound filled Peter's room. Tony held his breath. One ring. Two Rings. Three rings-
What if she really was dead. What if she didn't pick up either? What if all the Parker's were dead. No, no that couldn't happen. No, please God, no.
Six rings, then-
"Tony?" A woman's voice asked.
Tony's heart stopped.
"M-May?" His voice broke. He froze, unwilling to move and wake himself from what might be a dream.
"Oh my God, Tony," May breathed out a watery laugh. "You're alive!"
Tony huffed a laugh too, just barely repressing a sob. "So are you!" He said in relief.
"It's so good to hear your voice," She said, her voice wet and trembling. "I've been so worried."
A smile had made its way onto his face, but Tony's stomach dropped when he remembered why he was calling and his smile vanished with it.
Peter. He was calling because of Peter. He was calling because Peter was dead. "You-I need you to come to the compound."
May paused. "Why?" Her voice was quiet. Full of dread.
Tony swallowed. "Pe- I..." His words were swallowed by a sob that came from the back of his throat. "I can't. N-Not over the phone, May-"
"Tony," May's voice broke. "Tony, is it Peter?"
"I-," He choked on his words, breath hitching. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this, not over the phone. No, he couldn't. May didn't deserve it- Peter didn't deserve it. "I'll have Ha-Happy drive an-"
"I don't give a shit who's coming to get me!" May exclaimed suddenly, her voice shaky. "Where is Peter? Tony, please I- Where is he?"
Dead. Turned to ash. Scattered on a planet hundreds of light years away. He was gone. Dead. Never coming bac-
He couldn't do this. He tried to be strong. He tried to keep Peter safe. He tried to save him. He failed.
He always failed.
He wasn't strong enough to save him.
He was never strong enough.
"Where is my baby!?" May screamed, sobbing as her voice cracked.
The tears streamed down Tony's face. Offhandedly he noted he couldn't remember the last time he cried. He rested his head in his hands, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes to stem the flow of tears.
"Ha-Hap-," Tony stammered. "Happy will be there soon-"
"Tony I don't-!"
"We- We'll- We'll talk wh-when you-"
"Tony St-!"
"I-I'm sorry," He gasped. "I-I'm so sor-rry. I ca- I can't do th-this over a call, Ma-ay."
"ANTHONY STAR-"
"I'm sorry," He whispered. "FRIDAY end call."
"DON'T YOU DARE-"
And then the room was quiet again. Except for Tony's gasping sobs. He couldn't breathe. God, he couldn't breathe. He was going to die. He needed to get out of this chair.
Sobs wracked his thin frame violently as he pushed himself out of the wheelchair, falling harshly to the ground, but he didn't care. He was sure he would have bruises on his hands and knees, but why did it matter?
He crawled along the floor, trying to pull in breath to no avail. His vision blurred just as he reached a wall. He collapsed against the wall, sliding down as he sobbed violently. He was sure he was going to wake up Pepper, but he didn't care. He needed someone.
No, not someone. Peter.
He needed his boy back.
His throat hurt from the sobs and his chest burned from the lack of oxygen. Tears and snot ran down his cheeks and mouth as saliva ran down his chin, his eyes feeling swollen. Everything hurt. He hurt. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he curled up against the wall, tucking himself against it.
Peter Peter Peter Peter
"Plea-ease," He gasped, crying a God he didn't believe in. "Please, pl-please, please, ple-ease! Please gi-give hi-im back! Gi-give me ba-back my b-boy!"
Please
Please
Please
Please
Thanos should've killed him. Why couldn't he have killed him? It would've been better to be dead than live in a world without Peter Parker. Without his kid.
He died. He's dead. He died not knowing how much Tony cared about him. He died not knowing how much Tony loved him.
Tony promised to keep him safe. He promised May. He promised Peter.
He lied. He failed. Peter is dead, May doesn't know, and Tony is broken.
How did the world fall apart so quickly?
"Tony!" That was Pepper. Oh God, she should leave. He would fail her too. He would get her killed too. Why was she still here? SHE WAS GOING TO DIE.
"Tony!" Then she was in front of him, pulling him up, pulling him close.
His arms hung limp at his side, his whole body still trembling and shaking with sobs. She held him as he sobbed into his chest, ruining her shirt with his tears and snot and spit and sweat. But she didn't care.
She just held him.
He shook his head into her chest frantically. No, no no no no she shouldn't be so close. She was going to die. He got everyone killed, everyone he loved died, why was she still here sHE NEEDED TO GO! NO GET AWAY!
"N-no," He sobbed, trying to pull away. "N-no, no-o, Pep-"
She shushed him, pulling him closer.
"Pe-Pepper," He sobbed, raising his head and looking her in the eye. There were tears there, but she looked so certain. Determined. Serene.
"Tony," She answered calmly. Her hands rested on his cheeks as she kissed his forehead. "It's okay, Tony. It's okay, you're safe."
"N-no," He shook his head, reaching for her wrists and grasping them weakly. "Pe-Peter-"
"Wasn't your fault," She interrupted. "It's... it's okay, Tony. It's going to be okay."
"No... n-no," He gasped. "Y-You need t-to go. Ge-get aw-away."
"Tony, what-?"
"I-I'll kil-ill you," He cried, lowering his head in shame. Pepper froze. "I ge-get every-everyone killed."
"Tony Stark," She said in a deadly low voice. She pulled his chin up to look her in the eye. His vision swam with tears, but his fiance's eyes were determined.
And pained.
"Don't you ever say that,"
Tony looked away, tears running down his cheeks again, but she turned his face back. "No. Nothing that happened wasn't your fault. The deaths of others aren't on your hands."
"They are if the person who died was my kid, Pep!" Tony exclaimed. trembling.
That made Pepper pause. Tony's shuddering gasps and sobs echoed in the quiet room.
"Tony," Pepper murmured sadly.
"I couldn't tell May," Tony rasped. "I... I couldn't tell her I got her baby killed. "
"Tony, you did not get Peter-"
"I did Pep!" Tony exclaimed, grasping her wrists. "I blackmailed a fourteen-year-old to go fight against super soldiers and criminals in a whole different country because I needed more muscle! I abandoned the kid with a high tech suit that I didn't even explain to him! I took that suit and let him fight against the Vulture alone! I didn't tell him I contacted the FBI and he nearly killed himself trying to fix my mistakes-!"
"And then you fixed it." Pepper said sternly. "You took him under your wing, you apologized. You invited him to the compound for lab days, gave him his own room, watched movies with him. You helped him train, you helped him with his suit, helped him learn to test and control his strength. Hell, you tried to help with that kid who bullies him. You've done everything you could do help him and fix-"
"But I didn't! I clearly wasn't enough. It wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough," Tony cried in defeat. "If I was good enough, Peter would still be alive."
The words hung heavily in the dark room. Tony shook like a leaf lowering his head into his hands and trying to swallow his sobs. Stark men were made of iron. Stark men didn't cry. Stop crying.
"Tony," Pepper said softly. "Hon, please look at me."
And he couldn't say no to her.
"Please," Her eyes were swimming with tears. "Don't do this to yourself. Please."
Tony's breath hitched. Pepper was begging him. She never begged for anything. She covered her mouth and looked away to choke back a desperate sob as her cheeks and eyes reddened.
"Tony I need you," She cried softly as she looked back at him, tears running down her cheeks. "I need you. You can't- I won't leave you again... but you can't leave either. Please."
Tony's lips trembled as his mouth opened and closed as he struggled to find the words. Pepper's face was sticky with tears and pale. Her beautiful strawberry blonde hair -ironic because she was allergic to strawberries- stuck to the tear tracks on her cheeks.
But she was still the most gorgeous woman Tony ever knew, and ever would know.
And he would do anything for her.
So he gasped out a simple, "Okay,"