Memory
Tony was still trembling. They had left Peter's room and moved to a sitting room off the entry way of the compound. Pepper clasped his boney right hand in his own, but try as she might, she couldn't keep the tremors at bay. How was he going to do this? How was he going to tell this woman he'd gotten her baby killed? He never should've-
"Tony," Pepper whispered pleadingly as she shook his shoulder.
He sluggishly dragged his gaze up to meet hers, vaguely registering the pang of guilt at her pained eyes. He swallowed and tried to force a reassuring smile, but only managed a slight lip twinge. Pepper shook her head sadly. You don't have to pretend with me. You're not okay. I know that. I don't expect you to be.
She squeezed his hand.
I'm right here.
He couldn't muster the energy to squeeze hers back. His face twinged at the sound of a car approaching.
"Boss," Friday's accented voice broke the silence. "Happy Hogan has arrived with May Parker."
Tony's heart dropped into his stomach. He suddenly felt so cold. He tugged at his IV pole, fiddling with the line in the crook of his elbow.
"Let them in Friday," Pepper said, her voice wavering slightly. Tony's hand twitched.
A car door slammed loudly outside, followed by rushed footsteps. The front door swung open, those same footsteps continuing inside.
"May, wait," Happy's quiet, muffled voice pleaded as her footsteps were halted suddenly as if Happy had snagged her arm.
"Let go of me, Hogan." Came the venomous response. Tony's heart dropped. Shit she was mad.
She has every right to be you idiot.
Pepper stood quickly, rushing to meet May before she entered the room, leaving Tony sitting on the sofa by himself. He was still cold.
"May-" That was Happy again.
"No," May's was weaker, like she was trying not to cry. "Peter might be- you don't get to- no."
"Mrs. Parker," That was Pepper. Her voice was strong. Tony wished he could've been strong enough.
"Where is he?" She snapped.
"May-"
"No, he called me here. He said Peter-" She cut herself off with a sob. "Something happ- Where is he? Where's Tony."
"Ma-"
"In here," Tony's weak voice called. He couldn't do this. Why did he call her? Why did he tell her where he was. Pepper could've done it. Happy was here-
But Mr. Stark, what about May?
... Dammit.
Quick footsteps approached the room, stopping suddenly in the threshold as the woman set eyes on the billionaire.
The breath was knocked out of May's lungs. He looked terrible. He looked like a walking corpse. His skin was so pale he was nearly gray. Any muscle or fat seemed to have evaporated, leaving behind a skeleton of the man. His collarbone and shoulder blades stuck out of the shirt that hung off him like rotting flesh. His cheekbones were stuck out, making his face look so much sharper and older and... defeated. His eyes were sunken in his head and the bags under them looked more like bruises. Maybe they were. It was hard to tell.
His thin body was trembling where he sat on a pristine white couch, his fists weakly clenching and unclenching. What really scared her more than his half dead body was the look in his eyes as he dragged his gaze up to meet hers so slowly, she was sure the movement caused him pain. His brown eyes, once full of laughter and mischievousness, now dead and hollow. Any spark he might've once carried in those eyes seemed to have burned up. In the two short years she'd begun to know him, she noticed he'd always carried a deep sadness within him, but this was so much worse.
This wasn't sadness, this wasn't merely depression. This was complete and utter defeat and emptiness.
"Tony," She breathed after a few moments of silence.
"May," He said weakly, the corner of his lips tugging down while his brows pinched together, as if he was trying to stop his face from crumpling.
"Tony, where's..." She couldn't bring herself to finish the question. She couldn't. A shiver wracked the man's body as he lowered his head. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Pepper reach for a blanket. She sat next to Tony and draped it around his shoulders. The man made no move to tighten it around himself. His gaze was fixated on her.
"He- he," Tony started, trying his best not to sob. "Peter's... he's not-"
He couldn't finish. He couldn't tell her. He was a coward.
But he didn't really need to.
May's eyes widened in horror and heartbreak and understanding.
"No," She whispered.
Tony's chest spasmed as he tried to hold in a sob. This wasn't fair. No. Why, why, why?
"Tony," She pleaded, her voice hard. Unaccepting. "No. Tony, no please."
"I-I..." He couldn't say anything. No words were enough. "I- I'm sor-"
"NO," May screamed, her knees giving out under her. Happy's arms went around her waist and held her up as the woman began to sob. "NO! No, no no no!"
Tears fell down Tony's cheeks while his eyes stared unseeing in front of him, his face frozen in heartbreak.
May's shouting faded from words to unintelligible screams and shrieks. Heartbreaking sobs and gasps echoed in the room. Pepper's arms went around Tony's thin frame, whispering shaking words of nothingness into his ear. Tony didn't react to them, not really listening to her. The only thing he could hear was May's sobs.
Sobs that sounded far too similar to Peter's as he begged Tony to save him.
God, why didn't he save him!?
"Wh-why- why di-didn't you sa-aa-ave him!" May screamed at the billionaire.
He looked at her, expression pleading.
I tried
May please
I wanted to
I tried to
I wasn't good enough
I wasn't fast enough
I wasn't strong enough
I couldn't beat him
May please
May please
May please
May please
He couldn't say anything.
"May-" He heard Happy whisper to her.
"No-o-o," She sobbed as she sunk to the ground. Happy went with her, holding her steadily. His eyes stared hauntingly at the floor in front of him, as if he couldn't believe it.
That kid, that bright, spunky, mischievous, innocent kid. How could he be gone? How could such a bright light be snuffed out so quickly. He'd just seen him, drove him- spoke to him- yesterday. How could he be gone?
Happy dragged his gaze over to Pepper and Tony on the couch. Pepper was rubbing Tony's shoulders', still whispering to him, but it was obvious the man wasn't listening. The man wasn't there. Not really. He was lost in his own mind.
"I HATE YOU," May's shouting dragged the billionaire back to the present. "I HATE YOU. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. YOU KILLED HIM- YOU- YOU KILLED MY SON, STARK! YOU-"
That was okay. He hated himself too.
"May-"
"That's not-"
"I-"
"NO!"
"I think it's time-"
"Mrs. Parker. I think it's time for you to leave."
"No! No, he killed my boy! NO!"
A beeping started to fill the room. Tony vaguely registered it was coming from the pole where his IV was attached. Some warning was blaring. Was the compound under attack? Did Thanos come back to finish them off?
"TONY!"
"BOSS!"
Oh. No. It was him. Oops
His vision blinked out, and he kind of wished his heart would give out with it.
That was the second time he'd fainted in 24 hours. Guess that was why Pepper wouldn't leave his side now. Happy took May back to the apartment.
Pepper told him Rogers had taken what was left and gone to find a way to reverse what happened. There was hope in her voice, a wary smile on his face, but Tony could only gaze at her sadly. They weren't that lucky. He was certain there would be no undoing this.
He was right.
Rogers and his little crew returned hours later. Rhodey walked into the med bay where Tony was still laying in a hospital bed. Tony took one look at him and knew.
Peter Parker was gone.
Forever.
Rhodey knelt at his side. "Tones..."
Tony nodded, sniffing. He'd already known. He hadn't gotten his hopes up. He knew. He knew. He'd known.
So why did it still hurt?
"Thanos is dead," Rhodey said quietly.
Tony nodded. "Who did it?"
"Thor," Another nod.
"Good. Thank him for me, Honey Bear."
"Tony," Rhodey grasped his best friend's boney forearm. "I'm sorry. We thought we... we thought there was a chance we could-"
"I know," Tony nodded. "It's not your fault. I couldn't beat him." I couldn't kill him.
"It's not your fault either, Tones."
Tony snorted.
"It's not."
"Okay." He was too tired to argue.
Tony was confined to the med bay for three weeks. And he couldn't walk without a cane when he was finally able to stand again.
Rhodey was helping him walk.
He would've made some sarcastic quip about Deja vu from Rhodey's physical therapy days after Germany. But he couldn't.
It was all pointless anyways. His kid was gone, May hated him, half the planet had been turned to dust. Friends, allies... family.
Clint was gone. He'd vanished off the face of the earth, but he wasn't dead. Tony knew that. Clint was... he just couldn't have.
Steve and Nat were somehwere around the compound, but he'd barred them from entering his private wing. That was only for Pepper and Happy and Rhodey and Bruce.
And Peter. Peter's room was here. His room was always going to be here.
And if he fell asleep sobbing on the boy's empty bed every once in a while, nobody said anything.
May held Peter's funeral a month later. Tony had sent money. May refused to use it. Tony didn't receive an invitation. He wouldn't have been able to go anyway... but it still hurt. He'd sent a drone and watched it still, though. He knew it was wrong but... that was his kid too. Who he'd gotten killed.
Tony was drowning. Pepper was stressing herself out fussing over him. He'd begged her almost every night to leave.
"Pep, please." He'd rasp.
"Tony, no." She'd say.
"You're only hurting yourself by staying."
"I'm not leaving you."
"I don't want to get you killed too."
"You won't."
But he would. She was getting sick. She thought he didn't know, but she kept throwing up in the mornings. He hated it. He was worrying her into sickness. But she wouldn't leave.
He wanted to rip his hair out in frustration. This wasn't fair.
He was still cold.
It was getting worse. Pepper was getting sicker. She wasn't sleeping well, her face was pale. He was making her sick. He wanted to cry. He was killing her.
He wished he could make himself okay, again... but he couldn't. He wanted his son back.
Then... everything changed one night at dinner.
It had been just over two months since... and Tony was getting better. He could walk on his own, his body wasn't all skin and bone anymore, his cheeks weren't hallow. His skin wasn't as pale. He could drive. Physically, he was healing. Mentally... he was declining.
They were eating dinner when it happened. Pepper was being quiet. So was Tony. They didn't really speak much. It was killing both of them. But then Pepper surprised them.
"I'm pregnant." She blurted out.
Tony froze.
A plop from Pepper's bowl, indicating she'd dropped her spoon into her bowl. He slowly and shakily looked at her. She swallowed uncertainly as she plucked something from her pocket and slid it across the table. A pregnancy test.
Tony reached for it, fingers skirting across the two pink lines. Pregnant. Pepper was pregnant.
Holy shit.
They were going to have a child.
A strange feeling bubbled up in his chest. It took him far too long to realize it was joy. Hope. Elation. His features lifted and lit up, the sparkle in his eyes that had died out beginning to rekindle.
Then, as soon as it came, it faded as dread smothered him. He was a death magnet. Everyone he loved died. His las kid died because of him. Would this child be any different? Would be survive getting another one of his kids killed again?
No. It would kill him.
His chair crashed to the ground as he bolted from the room, gasping as he threw open the door and ran. He ran to the garage and climbed in the closest car. Which just to happened to be Peter's favorite of his sports car collection. He'd always kept it closest so they could go on their spontaneous drives or to teach the kid to drive.
He didn't cry as he drove down the dark rode.
He didn't cry as he crossed the Washington Bridge.
He didn't cry as he drove next to the Harlem River.
He didn't cry when he crossed the Robert F. Kennedy bridge.
He didn't cry as he drove past Delmar's Bodega.
He didn't cry as he hastily parked on the side of the road.
He didn't cry as he climbed the steps of the apartment buildings.
He didn't cry when he desperately knocked on the door.
He didn't cry when the door opened.
But by God did he fucking sob when he told May that Pepper was pregnant.