Chapter 2
The first thing Clint had done after gaining the semblance of coherence was convincing Fury to let Natasha know about Phil. Clint could not do this alone, he could not, he needed Nat (also she would never forgive him if he had kept Phil a secret).
Fury agreed readily enough but did make him and Nat agree that the Avengers would not be informed before Phil woke up. Clint and Natasha both did not argue; Clint did not give a flying fuck if the rest of Avengers knew or not, they did not know Phil.
Not like him, not like Nat.
So, Clint sat with Phil everyday; he would not leave Phil even for his own treatments. They had to call Fury more than once to get Clint out of the vents; fed up, the medical staff added two extra cots to Phil’s room—one for Clint and the other for Natasha.
“He will get through this”, whispered Natasha pulling Clint in her embrace, gently petting his hair.
“We will get through this”, she said, looking at Phil softly.
Clint just held onto her, not making a sound, he could not forget the time he thought Phil was dead. Phil could die, he could just never wake up and leave Clint alone.
Natasha as though reading his thoughts just held him tighter, her eyes never leaving Phil, as if he were to wake at any moment.
“Sleep my hawk”, she said in Russian, “I will keep watch on Phil”
Clint finally allowed himself to relax, Natasha will always have his six, with that thought he drifted into sleep.
It had been a month since Clint found out his love was alive.
Phil,
His Phil was alive, his hands warm as Clint held on, never letting go.
Pain, his vision tinted blue as he took aim and shot at Phil. “Good job agent”, came Loki’s slimy voice as he saw Phil bleeding out, his blood pooled by Clint’s legs, soaking his shoes. No, no, no, no, no, Clint wanted to scream, wanted to hold Phil but he could not move. Clint tried again, tried pounding on the invisible barrier in his mind, Clint could not breathe—
“That’s it, breathe in, hold, breathe out”, came a soothing voice, Nat, Clint recognized; he panicked for a moment thinking Natasha been trapped as well.
Clint opened his to see himself lying beside Phil with Nat on the chair, holding his hands.
“Was it Loki?”, she asked, concern clear on her face.
Clint shuddered, “It’s ok now, you are ok, we are ok”
“It’s not your fault, Clint, it could have been anyone, could have been me”, said Natasha stroking the back of his palms.
“No, Nat, I was the one who gave away every fucking weakness of the helicarrier, I knew the weakness not everyone else”, Clint said, he knew it was true no mater what anyone else told him.
He was the one who spent hours trying find new escape routes to run from paperwork. He was the one who was so sure that SHIELD would drop him like a hot potato at the slightest mistake that he actively sought methods to disable the defenses if the time came. He was the one Fury had assigned to check and report the blind spots. No one else would have managed to take out the Helicarrier as he had.
“Clint, what if it was me, would it have been my fault? What if it was Fury? Maria? Phil? You would not blame any of us, do not blame yourself for things out of your control, do you understand?”, said Natasha sternly, keeping him close.
“It was not your fault, never your fault, not this. It was Loki, he used you, it was never you”, said Natasha.
Clint did not understand why nobody blamed him, why they let him stay, why were they showering him with sad smiles and pitiful looks; it was all his fault. Heck even fucking Rollins had asked if he was fine, Rollins; atleast Rumlow had kept his distance, Clint swore he would have gone insane if Rumlow was kind to him.
Clint nodded along to what Nat said, even though he did not agree he was faultless, by the look in her eyes she knew it too but was kind enough not to comment on it.
Clint shifted his attention back to Phil, looking so fragile, Phil has to be okay he thought, just let Phil be okay.
They sat in silence, supporting each other as they battled their inner demons, all while hoping Phil would wake up.