Chapter 1
Clint was happy to see Loki chained and gagged as he was taken to Asgard by Thor, at least he won’t do any more damage, thought Clint.
Fury had demanded that Clint came in for a medical check-up to ensure he was free from Loki’s command. Clint sighed knowing it could be anywhere between a week to a month that he would be let out.
The rest of the Avengers made their way to the medical room, Phil must be busy, Clint thought looking at the chaos around him. Clint couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed, Phil should be here he thought as the nurse bandaged his arm, removing a few shards of glass.
Phil should be here with Clint, holding him close, tenderly kissing him on his forehead, taking the pain away. Clint knew Phil had to clean up the mess that Loki made—that he made—but he couldn’t help it.
“Hey capsicle, what are your plans after this?”, Stark said, without letting him reply asked “And you Bruce? Cause let me tell you I have a huge building with all the amazing toys”, Stark looked at him and Natasha, “You assassin twins are invited as well”
Clint tried to smile but he was sure it came out as more of a grimace, “I am going home Stark”, Clint looked at Fury and couldn’t help but add, “Where is Phil?”
Suddenly, the room quieted, the light atmosphere darkened with sorrow, Fury did not meet his eyes, Clint turned to look at Natasha, “Tasha, where is Phil?” he asked quietly. “Where is he?”, Clint asked a bit louder this time. He saw the looks on their faces—no, no, no this couldn’t be happening.
“Agent Barton, Agent Coulson fought bravely. He stood up against Loki and unfortunately lost his life. He died a hero”, said Captain America, a calm and sincere look on his face; as if he was talking about losing a fucking thing, not Phil, not Clint’s soulmate. That it was unfortunate, not heartbreaking, not gut-wrenching.
“Fury, Nick please”, he said, his eyes communicating what he wanted to say, please let Phil be okay, alive, thought Clint desperately.
“I am sorry Barton, Clint”, said Fury, and just like that Clint slid to his knees, burying his face.
No, no, no, Clint thought, as a part of him died right there. He couldn’t move, couldn’t hear even though his aids were on, Phil was gone and now Clint was alone.
Clint did not even get a chance to say goodbye. What were his last words to Phil, he tried to remember through all that mind fuckery, did they fight, make love, did Clint tell Phil that he loved him?
Clint felt numb, it should have been him, not Phil, if anyone was to die young it should have been him, not Phil, never Phil. He couldn’t feel his arms anymore, couldn’t feel anything but emptiness.
Clint felt movement around him, he couldn’t feel himself care anymore, Phil was gone and he was alone. Clint felt a prick at the back of his neck and the world went dark.
Clint opened his eyes, immediately shutting them against the harsh light. Clint sat up and took in his surroundings, he was in a medical room, SHIELD medical and was hooked to an IV port. Someone had removed his field hearing aids; he noticed a purple pair left at the table.
He remembered why he had to be sedated, Phil was gone. Did he die alone, thought Clint.
Phil had been Clint’s world since he was seventeen; Phil had been the one to recruit Clint, the first one to trust him, to put his faith in him.
For the past fifteen years, Phil never let Clint down, never made him feel stupid or unwanted or unloved. Even before they were dating Phil introduced Clint to his parents; he introduced Hawkeye, an assassin to his civilian parents. Phil trusted Clint so much, that unwavering faith, and now he was gone.
Clint felt tears roll down his cheeks, he did not try to stop them. He thought of all the times his husband had made the pain go away, holding him close, he would never feel Phil’s embrace anymore. He would never again get to pet Phil’s head as he rested on his chest using Clint as a pillow, never again.
Clint thought back to facility, to guarding the stupid Tesseract, why did he agree he thought, if only he hadn’t been compromised, he would have protected his husband.
This was Loki’s way of hurting Clint one last time, having the last laugh sitting in his Asgardian cell, he could have subdued Phil with a snap of his fingers; Clint had seen him snap away ten mercenaries to China. Loki knew what Phil meant to Clint, he knew and that’s why he killed Phil.
Phil was dead because of Clint; Clint screamed, he failed to protect the thing he cherished the most. Clint was nothing if not for Phil.
Clint watched through blurry eyes as the nurses’ rush to sedate him once again, trying to tell him something, signing in ASL; Clint closed his eyes, his mind too far gone to understand them, he did not bother trying as he embraced the darkness.
This went on for days Clint would wake up from nightmares and remember losing Phil; feeling the pain of losing his love all over again.
Clint opened his eyes to see Fury seated on the chair next to his bed. Fury noticed he was awake, motioning him to sit up, handed him his hearing aids.
“How long was I out”, asked Clint, taking out the tubes from his arms.
“Nearly a week since Loki was sent to Asgardian prison”, said Fury.
“Am I going to be imprisoned?”, asked Clint, there was only so much SHIELD could protect him from after all. Clint knew mind control was not new to SHIELD, they had protocols for that, but it was the first time it caused damage on such a large scale; with the entire world as the audience.
“Barton, all scans and tests are showing that you have been completely released from that motherfucker’s control”, said Fury.
“That’s a relief”, mumbled Clint.
“Follow me”, ordered Fury despite the doctor’s protests, “This is more important” he said dismissing their arguments, “I’ll leave him in your safe hands after this”, he added. After all it was a bad idea to piss of SHIELD doctors and nurses, even when you are the director.
Fury led Clint through a number of hallways which needed special access, he was going to be locked up; hopefully Nat would be able to break him out.
Fury stopped in front of a door and turned around to look at Clint, dread pooled in Clint’s stomach, he had a feeling he knew exactly what or rather who was behind the door—Phil or what remained of him anyway. He took a deep breath to compose himself, he could do this, for Phil.
“Barton, during the attack Loki’s scepter pierced through Phil’s heart, atleast that was what we thought. Phil got lucky, it missed his heart by a millimeter, any closer Phil would have been gone for good”, said Fury.
Clint did not understand, was Fury really implying—
“Yes Barton, Phil is alive, though we are unsure when he will wake up”, said Fury in a surprisingly soft voice.
“Why?”, Clint barely whispered as he fell to his knees, not quite believing this was real. Maybe he died he thought, maybe this was the door to hell, or heaven as there was no way Phil was going to hell.
“The Avengers were told Phil was dead because he was dead for five minutes, it was a miracle his heart started again. Our doctors were working for three days to keep it that way, finally he is stable now”, said Fury.
“I mourned him, Fury. Nick, I mourned him”, said Clint, tears rolling down his cheeks, he could not decipher how he felt; not right now, the only thing that was important was that Phil was alive, his soulmate was alive. He could deal with his feelings later, when Phil was safe.
“You were not in a coherent state until today, Clint. It was the first thing I did when you woke up. There was a reason I did not tell you about Phil’s death. The Avengers did not know the full truth, heck we were not sure Phil would survive till yesterday”, said Fury, putting his hand on Clint’s shoulder.
“He is in there when you are ready to see him Barton”, said Fury and left Clint kneeling outside Phil’s door.
Clint did not know how much time passed before he mustered the courage to enter the room.
Pushing the door open he saw Phil unconscious and hooked to a monitor, two doctors and three nurses waiting by his bedside.
Clint’s heart broke as he took in the sight before him, Phil looked so small, delicate nestled amidst the hum of machines, looking vulnerable.
“Phil”, he managed to choke as he rushed by his lover’s bed, Clint could not stop the stream of tears, the numbness. Clint vowed to never let Phil go, never again, he would not survive again if Phil died.
Clint gently took Phil’s hand in his, stroking his husband’s palm with his thumb. Clint leaned in and kissed Phil on his forehead, finally feeling calm seeing his husband; injured but alive, alive. He would hear Phil’s voice again, would be able to say ‘I love you’, would be able to kiss him and enjoy his arms wrapped around Clint’s body.
Phil was alive and that was all that mattered, nothing else, Phil was not leaving Clint alone. Clint was not alone he had his husband, his love, his Phil.
“Rest well my love, I will be here when you wake up”, Clint whispered in Phil’s ear, pulling Phil’s hand close to his chest.