Not worrying
“Well, I’ve been on my own since I was 15, since my folks died”, Vi told Caitlyn the story of her life, after she’d been invited to take a walk on deck the next day. “And I had no brothers or sisters, or close kin in that part of the country. So I lit on outta there and I haven’t been back since.” She smiled. “You just call me a tumbleweed blowing in the wind.”
Vi looked at Caitlyn. She was wearing another one of those horrible dresses, and her hair was up in a cute bun. She wondered if Caitlyn had maids for her hair, too.
“Well, Caitlyn, we’ve walked about a mile around this boat deck and chewed over how great the weather’s been and how I grew up, but I reckon that’s not why you came to talk to me, is it?”
“Ms. Dawson I-“
“Vi”, she interrupted Caitlyn.
“Vi”, she repeated. “You can call me Cait, and you are right. I wanted to thank you for what you did. Not just for…pulling me back but for your discretion.”
So that’s what the fuss was about. Little rich girl didn’t want to get in trouble. “You’re welcome”, Vi answered and gave Cait a warm smile.
“Look, I know what you must be thinking. Poor little rich girl. What does she know about misery?”
Vi stopped walking and leaned against a big rope at the edge of the deck. “No, that’s not what I was thinking”, she started. “What I was thinking was, what could have happened to this girl to make her think she had no way out?”
She watched as Cait’s head was working, how her mouth twitched as she was searching for an answer.
“Well, I…it was everything. It was my whole world and all the people in it and the inertia of my life plunging ahead and me, powerless to stop it.”
Cait held up her hand to show off her engagement ring, and it was the biggest and most expensive looking ring Vi’d ever seen.
“God, look at that thing. You would’ve gone straight to the bottom.” Cait smiled, and as she saw that, Vi smiled as well. She couldn’t help but think how pretty Cait’s smile was. But the smile faded as quickly as it came.
“Five hundred invitations have gone out”, she continued. “All of Philadelphia society will be there and all the while I feel I’m…standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up.”
Vi truly felt sorry for Cait. She’d always thought rich people have it easy, turns out they don’t. At least not the women.
“Do you love him?”, she asked. Cait’s face quickly turned from sad to shocked to angry.
“Pardon me?”
“Do you love him?”, Vi repeated.
“You’re being very rude, you shouldn’t be asking me this.”
Vi almost laughed at Cai being so uncomfortable, but she held herself back.
“Well, it’s a simple question. Do you love the guy or not?”
“This is not a suitable conversation.”
“Why can’t you just answer the question?”
Cait laughed nervously and walked a few steps before turning back to face Vi again, her hand on her forehead. “This is absurd. You don’t know me and I don’t know you and we are not having this conversation at all. You are rude and uncouth and presumptuous and I am leaving now.”
Cait took Vi’s hand, shaking it firmly. “Vi…Ms. Dawson, it’s been a pleasure. I sought out to thank you and now I have thanked you-“
“And you’ve insulted me”, Vi interrupted her, grinning and still shaking her hand.
“Well, you deserved it.”
“Right.”
“Right.”
Vi smiled even more when Cait continued shaking her hand, not looking away.
"I thought you were leaving”, Vi said after some seconds.
“I am”, Cait answered. “You are so annoying.” She turned and walked away, only to return after four steps.
“Wait, I don’t have to leave. This is my part of the ship. You leave.”
Vi laughed as Cait stretched out her hand and pointed at the stairs to the lower levels.
“Well, well, well”, she said, leaning against the rope again. “Now who’s being rude?”
Cait scoffed, lost for words, and then grabbed the drawing map Vi had with her in a poor attempt to find something else about Vi to make fun of.
“What’s this stupid thing you’re carrying around?” She opened the map to find Vi’s drawings. “So, what are you. An artist or something?”
Vi watched Cait as she scanned the pictures, the way her gaze softened as she began to see the years of practise and talent behind them.
“Well, these are rather good.” Cait sat down on a bench, and Vi took a seat next to her.
“They’re uh…they’re very good actually.” She continued to look through the drawings. “Vi, this is exquisite work.”
“Uh, they didn’t think too much of ‘em in old Paris”, she admitted.
“Paris?”, Cait asked surprised. “You do get around for a poor…well, uh, a person of limited means.”
“Go on, a poor gal, you can say it”, Vi chuckled.
“Well, well, well”, Cait said as she turned to the next drawing, which showed a naked woman, as well as the next one, and the next one.
“And these were drawn from life?”, she asked, her voice quieter and almost timid.
Vi nodded, and chuckled again as a man walked by and Cait quickly closed the map. If Vi wouldn’t know better, she’d say Cait was blushing.
“Well, that’s one of the good things about Paris, lots of girls willing to take their clothes of”, Vi explained, as she watched the corners of Cait’s mouth slightly twitch upwards and her cheeks turning a bit red. Vi would love to draw Cait one day.
“You liked this woman”, Caitlyn said as she skipped to another painting. Vi remembered her instantly. “You used her several times.”
“Well”, Vi answered, wanting to see how hard she could make Cait blush. “She had beautiful hands, you see?”
She watched Cait as she was thinking, surveying the woman on the drawings, searching for words.
“You must have had a love affair with her”, Cait said, and then immediately bit her lip as if she didn’t mean to say that out loud. Vi decided to jump on the train and go with it.
“No, just with her hands.”
Cait blushed again.
“Her name was Marie and she was a one-legged prostitute. See?” Vi showed her another picture, laughing at Cait’s reaction. She chuckled and turned her head to look at the drawing from different angles before looking back up at Vi, who, again, couldn’t help but imagining her on paper. Her pretty eyes, her soft lips and her beautiful slim face. That’s when Vi thought, she could spend forever like this. Sitting and talking, not worrying about anything.
*
“Oh and this lady”, Vi said as she turned a page to show another wonderful drawing of an old woman. “She used to sit at this bar every night, wearing every piece of jewellery she owned, just waiting for her long-lost love. Called her Madame Bijou. See, her clothes are all moth eaten.”
Cait looked at the picture, admiring the details and the way Vi was able to catch a moment in all its glory on a piece of paper.
“Well, you have a gift, Vi. You do.” Cait looked at Vi, at her beautiful blue eyes that reminded her of the ocean and the wind. “You see people.”
“I see you.”
“And?”, Cait asked, straightening her back and looking down on Vi self-satisfied.
“You wouldn’t have jumped”, Vi answered, not breaking eye contact.
*
The day went on and when the sun was starting to set, Vi and Cait were still talking.
“Well after that, I worked on a squid boat in Monterey”, Vi continued telling stories of her life, and Cait listened patiently. “Then I went down to Los Angeles to the pier in Santa Monica and started doing portraits there for ten cents apiece.”
Cait looked at the sun, sighed, and then turned back to her companion. “Why can’t I be like you, Vi? Just head out the horizon whenever I feel like it.” Cait smiled, thinking of what her life would be like if she wasn’t trapped in her golden cage.
“Say we’ll go there sometime to that pier, even if we only ever just talk about it.”
“No, we’ll do it”, Vi answered, smiling. “We’ll drink cheap beer. We’ll ride on the rollercoaster ‘til we throw up. The we’ll ride horses on the beach, right in the surf. Now, but you’ll have to do it like a real cowboy, none of that sidesaddle stuff.”
Cait looked at Vi as if she’s crazy. “You mean, one leg on each side?” Caitlyn’s ridden horses before, although only the lady-style. But the thought of doing something new, especially something her mother would hate, let the excitement in her rise. “Can you show me?”
“Sure, if you like”, Vi answered. Cait smiled at her, looking at her own reflection in Vi’s gorgeous ocean eyes.
“Teach me to ride like a man.”
“And chew tobacco like a man”, Vi answered with a thick Southern accent.
“And spit like a man”, Cait returned with the same accent, her face starting to hurt from smiling so much. It’s been ages since she felt this happy.
“What, didn’t they teach you that in finishing school?”, Vi teased her.
“No”, Cait laughed, imagining her old teachers spitting on the ground.
“Well, come on, I’ll show you. Let’s do it.”
“Wait, what?” Cait tried to stop her, but Vi had already gripped her arm and pulled her behind herself, walking up to the side of the ship.
“No, Vi, I couldn’t possibly, Vi!”
“Watch closely”, Vi ordered as they stopped at the railing. Then she leaned back, made a strange snorting sound and spit towards the ocean.
“Ugh, that’s disgusting!”, Cait said, but couldn’t help laughing.
“All right, your turn.”
Cait looked around to make sure no one was there, but of course there were people there, and simply spit as unseen as possible over the railing.
“That was pitiful”, Vi commented. “Come on, you really gotta hawk it back, you know? Get some leverage to it. Use your arms, arc your neck.” Then she leaned back, made that noise again and spit. “See the range on that thing?”
Cait got infected by whatever made Vi so careless and started hawking and spitting as well, the people around them forgotten.
“That was better. But you gotta work on it. Really try and hawk it up and get some body to it, you know? You gotta –“
Cait looked at Vi as she started snorting again, as she suddenly spotted her mother, Molly and a Countess walking up to them. Quickly, she slapped Vi’s arm to get her to stop spitting in the wind and turn around. The women were eyeing each other, disgusted from what they’ve just seen.
“Mother!”, Cait exclaims, acting as if nothing happened. She’s gotten quite good at that over the years. “May I introduce Vi Dawson?”
“Charmed, I’m sure”, her mother said with a low voice. And while the others were interested in the story how Vi came to save Cait’s life, her mother looked at her like an insect, a dangerous insect, which must be squashed quickly.
The trumpet fanfare sounded, making it known that dinner is about to start. Quickly, Cait left with her mother to get dressed, and also to get her away from Vi.
*
Cait has never been excited to attend a dinner. But this time, she was more than happy to walk among the other rich people towards the dining hall, knowing that a certain someone will be waiting there for her.
Slowly, she walked down the wooden steps in her black and red dress, smiling at Vi, who waited at the bottom of the stairs. To Cait’s surprise, she was wearing a suit. She expected Vi to wear a dress, since it’s quite uncommon for women to wear men’s clothing, but Cait also couldn’t picture her friend in a similar tight dress as she had to wear. And Cait also didn’t want to complain, for Vi looked absolutely stunning in her black smoking.
Caitlyn made her way down the stairs, and Vi kissed her gloved hand as greeting. Cait felt her cheeks turning red and hoped the others wouldn’t notice.
“I saw that in a nickelodeon once and I always wanted to do it”, Vi said as she lowered her hand again. Cait chuckled, hocked her arm under Vi’s and kept her eyes on her while they were walking to the dining hall. It seemed so surreal, Vi joining them and Cait actually smiling on her way to dinner. She tried but can’t remember how long it’s been since she really smiled, not just faked it to fit in.
Together the walked over to Cal, her mother and the other rich people of their usual dining group.
“Darling?”, she said and tapped Cal’s shoulder. “Surely you remember Ms. Dawson.”
Cal surveyed Vi from head to toe and then made an expression as if he didn’t know it’s her.
“Dawson? Well, it’s amazing. You could almost pass for a gentleman.”
Cait tried her best not to roll her eyes at the way Cal put emphasis on the “almost”.
“Almost”, Vi repeated.
“Extraordinary”, Cal chuckled as he turned around and walked Cait’s mother to dinner. Vi and Cait followed them, down some more steps into a gathering hall.
“There’s the Countess of Rothes.” Cait decided to give Vi a quick overview of the people she’d be dining in the same hall with tonight, so that she could prepare herself for small-talk.
“And, uh, that’s John Jacob Aster, the richest man on the ship. His little wifey there, Madeleine, is my age and in a delicate condition. See how she’s trying to hide it? Quite the scandal.” Cait looked at the woman. Her bronze dress had a different cut than the other dresses and she constantly held her hand over her belly.
“And that’s Benjamin Guggenheim and his mistress Madame Aubert. Mrs. Guggenheim is at home with the children, of course. And over here we have Sir Cosmo and Lucille Lady Duff-Gordon. She designs naughty lingerie, among her many talents. Very popular with the royals.”
Cait waved at the woman, and Vi chuckled next to her. That’s when Molly joined them.
“Care to escort a Lady to dinner?”, she asked, looking at Vi, who nodded. “Certainly.”
They entered the dining hall, introduced themselves to many people, and finally sat down at the dinner table. Vi must’ve been nervous, but she didn’t show it. She simply pretended to be part of the club, and the others believed it. Cait’s mother, however, took every chance she got.
“Tell us of the accommodations in steerage, Ms. Dawson. I hear they’re quite good on this ship.”
Cait feared for a moment, but Vi handled the situation quite elegant.
“The best I’ve seen, ma’am. Hardly any rats.”
The people laughed, either ignoring or not noticing the slight undertone in Vi’s voice.
“Ms. Dawson is joining us from the third class. She was of some assistance to my fiancée the other night”, Cal explained.
“It turns out that Ms. Dawson is quite a fine artist”, Cait throws in. “She was kind enough to show me some of her work today.”
“Caitlyn and I differ somewhat in our definition of fine art, not to impugn your work, miss.” Cait would’ve like to kick Cal’s leg under the table, but she held herself back.
The dinner went on without any problems, except for her mother’s nosy questions and Cal’s comments, of course. Luckily, Cait spotted Molly giving Vi a quick overview about table manners.
“And where exactly do you live, Ms. Dawson?”, Cait’s mother asked.
“Well, right now my address is the R.M.S Titanic. After that I’m on God’s good humour”, Vi answered without thinking twice. Cait was really impressed by how easily Vi mastered the situation.
“And how is it you have means to travel?”
“I work my way from place to place, you know, tramp steamers and such. But I won my ticket on Titanic here at a lucky hand at poker. A very lucky hand.”
Vi’s gaze wandered to Cait, where it stopped. Cait felt like she could see the sea through Vi’s eyes even indoors. It made her feel somehow safe.
“All life is a game of luck”, one of the men at the table threw in.
“Hmm, a real man makes his own luck, Archie”, Cal stated, looking over to Vi. “Right, Dawson?” Cait really wished he could stop teasing her.
“And you find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?”, Cait’s mother asked.
Cait almost laughed out loud at the expression Molly shot her. If looks could kill, Molly would’ve just murdered Cait’s mother.
“Well, yes, ma’am, I do”, Vi answers, not letting those questions throw her off balance. “I mean, I’ve got everything I need right here with me. Got air in my lungs and a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning, not knowing what’s gonna happen, or who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge, and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people.” The people chuckled and a waiter filled up Vi’s glass. “I figure life’s a gift, and I don’t intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you.” Vi noticed Cal trying to light a cigarette, so she tossed him some matches. “To make each day count.”
“Well said, Vi”, Molly nodded.
Cait never felt as inspired in her life as in that moment. So she raised her glass and looked at Vi. “To making it count.”
“To making it count”, the people repeated and raised their glasses to toast.
The evening ended quicker than expected, and as Vi said her goodbyes to Cait, she secretly handed her a little note. Cait’s heart must’ve been audible at the other end of the ship, she thought, as Vi left the room nd Cait quickly unfolded the note.
Make it count. Meet me at the clock.
Quickly, but without raising suspicion, Cait left the dining hall and spotted Vi waiting for her at the clock of the first wooden stairs.
She hesitated a moment before walking up to Vi. Why? Cait didn’t know, but for some reason she started to get quite nervous around Vi.
“So, do you wanna go to a real party?”, Vi suggested, smirking mischievous.
*
The air was hot and thick, people where shouting, drinking, smoking and dancing to the live music ind the small gathering room of the lower deck. Old people, young people, men, women and children alike celebrated together.
Cait was immediately fascinated, almost bewitched by the atmosphere. She watched Vi dancing with a little girl, happily clapping to the beat of the music, while a Swedish man tried to talk to her.
“I can’t understand you”, she gently dismissed him. Cait knew Swedish, the problem was she didn’t know what he said because of the loud music. She thanked the Irish man who brought her a beer with a nod, before she took a big sip and turned back to watching Vi.
In one corner, a man was so drunk he crushed onto a table. But instead of throwing him out, the people around him helped him back to his feet and handed him another drink. Cait laughed out loud at the sight.
The song ended and the people cheered and applauded the band, who quickly started another song.
“I’m gonna dance with her now, all right?”, Vi told the little girl she was dancing with before and looked at Cait. “Come on!”
Cait, was immediately overwhelmed, she just wanted to watch the happy scene and not actually be a part of it. Well, maybe some part of her did wish for that.
“Come on!”, Vi repeated, grabbed Cait’s hand and pulled her on the dancefloor.
“Wait, I can’t do this”, Cait tried to stop her. But Vi ignored her.
“We’re gonna have to get a little bit closer”, she said and rested one hand on Cait’s waste. If her corset wasn’t already squeezing her body to it’s limits, she would’ve sucked in a sharp breath. The music found its new rhythm and Vi started hopping to the beat.
“I don’t know the steps!”, Cait tried again to stop the dance.
“Neither do I, just go with it. Don’t think.”
Cait tried her best not to think, but that’s easier said than done. But after some moments, she started getting more relaxed. She felt as if a weight dropped from her back, as if she was lighter than before. Not having to follow strict steps or rules, just going with the flow, as Vi would’ve put it, had something liberating.
That’s how they spent the rest of the night, hopping around and drinking and occasionally smoking. That’s when Cait thought, she could spend forever like this. Dancing and laughing, not worrying about anything.