Oksana is really fussy tonight and hits eve while shes changing her.
“Hey dont hit baby, we dont hit.” Oksana freezes and tears well up in her eyes as she realizes what she did. She gasps a deep breath and runs to hide in the bathroom. She locks the door and starts to spiral.
“Oksana? Come back out please. Mommy doesn’t want you to be alone right now.”
“Me hurt mommy. Me hit, me bad, hurt mommy, me bad.”
Through the door, eve talks. “Baby, mommys not hurt, okay? And im not mad. Please let me in honey.”
“Lie.”
“Baby mommys not lying to you. Mommy’s not mad. You arent in trouble. “
“Want hit!”
Eves really worried now.
“No no no we dont hit remember baby? Please dont hit.”
“Need hit!” Oksana is trying so hard to restrain herself, trying to keep her hands to her sides and not close to her face.
“Oksana, please dont hurt yourself. Can you open the door for mommy?”
Oksana kicks the door and hits her head back on the cabinet. She starts to scream. She cant hold it back anymore. She needs it out. She doesn’t even know what “it” is.
Eve panics at the screams and uses a hanger to get the door open. She barges in, and oksana is hitting her fists to her forehead repeatedly. Shes wincing at every hit but doesnt stop. She doesn’t seem to be in control of her body.
“Oksana! Baby! Please!” Eve tries to reason, tries to hold her hands, or her face, and oksana hits her again.
It was an accident, they both know it, but oksanas eyes go wide and she looks terrified. She screams louder, sobbing. She claws at her face and scooches away from eve into the corner of the bathroom. She needs to keep her away. She doesn’t want to hurt her mommy.
Eve tries to think. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s trying so hard to keep a level head. But she can’t think. All she knows is oksana has to stop hurting herself.
She goes to her, stands above her and leans to grab her arms so she can pull her forward and sit behind her. Its hard with everything thats happening, but she manages. She wraps her arms around her so she cant move anymore. She holds her super tight so she cant hit herself.
“NO! NEED HIT! NEED HIT!” She yells and squirms and kicks trying to get free, but eve knows she cant let her go. She keeps hold of her tight, and realizes she’s crying too.
Oksana struggles to get free for 15 minutes. She tires herself out. The urge is gone, but she feels ashamed. She feels like such a bad girl. She panics inside. Her body is trembling.
Eve tries talking in her ear, kissing the back of her head when she feels her stop moving. “Hey babygirl. You’re okay. We’re all okay. Mommy’s got you.”
Oksana turns and wails into her mommy, trying to pull the arms around her even tighter. Eve still cries too. She holds her babys hand and keeps her head to her chest to lay her own on top. Her lips stay on oksanas forehead like a never ending kiss. Oksana’s sobs fill the room.
They are both exhausted. Eve suggests a quick bath before bed. The young girl refuses. She forces herself to try to shower alone. Oksana doesnt think she deserves love or care or comfort anymore. She apologizes profusely. Its the only words she says. Eve knows she needs her mommy, but oksana wont even accept a hug.
Eve gets through to her by sitting in front of her on the floor from where she sits on the edge of the bed. “Hi sweetie.” She holds her girls hands and rubs her thumbs, but oksana pulls away. She tries to meet her eyes but oksana wont look at her. Eve cries as she says, “Baby, please. You are good. You are not bad. You are good.”
Oksana’s bottom lip pokes out like a pout, and tears fill her eyes again. Her heart aches. “You’re my good girl. My good baby. Honey, you’re mommy’s baby. Please. Please let me be your mommy.”
Oksana lets silent tears fall. She cant bring herself to look at eve yet. She grabs her mommys fingers with her hand and tugs her up to the bed.
They lay together, oksana playing with eves fingers and putting them close to her lips. She still hasn’t looked at her, but she eventually squeaks out a “mommy” and pushes her head in to eves chest, nibbling one of her fingers. “I’m here baby. Mommy’s here.” Eve pulls her closer. She feels like she can breathe again. Her baby is here.
Oksana starts to pull at eves shirt, almost in a panic. Eve is relieved at this and hopes once they adjust her girl will look at her. But Oksana cant let herself take from eve. Eve guides her mouth to her nipple and pats her bottom, hoping she will feel safe enough to soothe herself. But she doesn’t. She lays with her cheek against her mommy’s chest, still punishing herself.
“Oksana, look at me.”
Its the first time she looks up at her in what feels like forever.
“I love you. Mommy loves you and mommy wants you. I will always want you. All of you.”
Eve starts patting her bottom again, and it seems that was the reassurance oksana needed, because when eve nudges her head again she begins to suck. Now, she looks up at her mommy. Now, she never wants to look away from her again.
They are both tearful right now. Tears falling every once in a while from either of them. Eve wipes oksanas away. Oksana reaches up to wipe one of her mommy’s tears away too. Eve swears this girl is what keeps her heart beating. “Oh, thank you baby. Are you ready to get some sleepies?” Oksana sighs contentedly. Eve kisses her nose. “Mommy loves you so much.”
She hums oksanas favorite lullaby, and both of their eyes finally close.