LGDM- You wouldn’t know
NOW SHOWING…
“LGDM- You wouldn’t know – By: GLaDOS”
GLaDOS is looking at a screen, humming robotically.
NW: okay… that’s a robot.
RR: why would this be recommended to B? it’s nothing like anything we’ve seen before.
RH: Okay, so the walls are paneled, and a robot is hanging from the ceiling. Said robot is humming and acting like it’s sentient. How does this relate to B?
The bottom of the screen now has a band of yellow. In black text, the system responds.
Sys: Cake.
BM: just… cake?
Sys: Yes.
RR: well, that was informative.
The camera zooms into the device which depicts chell holding her portal gun, then switches to fully being inside the screen. GLaDOS’ robotic voice sings over the appearing words
REPORT BLB-1911/03.10-SJB:
RE: Test Subject #1
Funny story
I forgot how much of a
Big fat mess
you are
I’ve been busy doing science
It’s been tons of fun so far
RR: So, the robot is a scientist, and they are sending out an E-mail report to a test subject, presumably the one in the blurry image.
R: the robot seems to be quite degrading to its test subject.
Everything clean
Nothing on fire
All by myself
…finally…
RH: I’m kind of creeped out about the singing stuff. The voice box is quite emotive.
BM: that would make this the system that communicates to the subjects, giving them a sense of calm.
NW: if only our scientists calmed down their test subjects instead of fear gassing them more.
RH: tough luck? Not like we can change it or anything.
Things change
When they don’t replace your core
It feels
So < < strange > >
Not to hate you anymore
But you wouldn’t know
Would you?
BM: Hnn…
R: What is it, Father?
BM: The robot hates the subject but does not at the time of the report. The subject’s feelings towards the robot were mutual when they parted.
R: you inquire if you changed the “core” post-separation.
RH: he probably did. I don’t need to know what a core is to see that.
1 Tsp vanilla extract
2/3 cup cocoa powder
1 1/4 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 to 2 16oz cans vanilla frosting
1 20-ft thick impermeable clay layer
NW: This is a cake recipe. What is this cake recipe doing here?
RR: I’m more worried about the ingredients.
RH: what do you mean? It’s pretty- A 20ft LAYER OF IMPERMEABLE CLAY? What kind of cake is this???
NW: is the cake a test?
RH: THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!
RR: yeah. The cake is a lie. Or something.
BM: the computer said it related to me because of cake. This must be the cake’s recipe.
I was saying this to Batman
Oh
He was here the other day
Maybe you know him
He’s a big deal
But I don’t think of him that way
He’s just a friend
Someone I trust
Someone who won’t kill me
RH: I mean…
RR: B doesn’t do friends like that.
RH: I was going to say the whole “won’t kill me” thing is pretty accurate.
BM: the other test subject has attempted to destroy this robot.
RR: also – Batman’s been mentioned! Now to figure out the reason behind his visit to the robot’s creator’s lab.
Sys: Batman entered. They did stuff. He left with the sought-after cake.
NW: oh.
I’m fine
Just in case you think I’m not
I am
This time
I’m better with the friends I’ve got
But you wouldn’t know
Would you?
RH: Passive aggression is strong with this robot.
NW: where’s the aggression?
RH: the robot just insinuated the subject doesn’t have any friends.
RR: oh. That’s some clever wording. “I have friends now, but you probably wouldn’t know what that’s like”, which… ouch, first off. But second, why is this robot so passively hostile?
I don’t mean for this to sting
I forgive you everything
[REDACTED]
I can guess the reasons why
You are never coming by
For me… …. …. ….
…. …. …. ….
…. …. …. ….
…. …. …. ….
R: …why is there so many ellipses in an e-mail? I get the singing context of a withheld note, but in writing? Is it truly necessary?
RR: “you monster”? Why would that be a redacted statement? Is it because the statement is not objective?
I should go
There’s something happening
That will make you wish
You’d stayed
There’s a party with a
> R E A L C A K E <
Yes it’s real
A cake I made
BM: I have a feeling the subject and the other me got fake cakes
RH: or the fake cakes were cardboard and the “real cake” has impermeable clay covering it.
BM: that too.
Talking and fun
Testing and fun
All of this fun
Without you
RR: I wonder what kinds of testing this robot does.
BM: I was wondering that too. Computer?
Sys: Aperture Science designs and tests a multitude of products, but the highlights are as follows: Moon rock-based paint, Repulsion gel, Propulsion Gel, handheld portal devices, singing sentry turrets, deadly neurotoxin, shock absorption boots, companion cubes, and the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, also known as GLaDOS.
RH: GLaDOS has a human consciousness? Who were they?
Sys: Caroline, assistant to CEO and Founder of Aperture Science, Cave Johnson.
RR: wait, What the Hell is this list? Sentry Turrets, Neurotoxin, Portal Guns…
RH: Wait, yeah. What the Fuck? Why can Sentry turrets sing? What purpose does it serve? What do they sing?
Sys: the local Aperture turrets do opera. One of my creators say their rendition of Cara Mia Addio was quite touching to hear.
BM: your creators enjoy Italian Opera?
Sys: the archive is quite varied, and there haven’t really been any preferences for specific styles just yet.
BM: Hn.
Too bad
You let it get so out of hand
How much we had
Finally I understand
But you wouldn’t know
Would you?
You wouldn’t know
Would you?
RH: that was nice… other than the whole “today, this robot is testing humans on the effect of DEADLY NEUROTOXIN”
R: I found it quite informative.
GLaDOS closes the screen, humming to herself more.
A portal opens behind her, and the immorality core is thrown through.
Batman’s grapple retracts back into the closing portal as GLaDOS turns around.
GLaDOS looks the core up and down, then rubs against it like a cat, letting out a low drone reminiscent of a purr.
The yellow band at the bottom of the screen extends to cover the full screen.
…
BM: is that the portal device?
Sys: No. that is an [LGDM] Portal, not a [PT-Devices: Aperture Science Standardized Portal Gun] Portal.
NW: is that a core?
Sys: Yes. That is the Immorality core that Batman removed to ensure GLaDOS’ assistance in a battle.
R: the mechanical noises GLaDOS is making resembles a purr. It is disturbing.
RH: well, it’s a Death Robot. Anything they do is disturbing. Like making a perfectly good cake and covering it in clay.
Sys: the [Aperture Science Party Cake] is a Sought-after relic for dimensional beings and sentient robots alike. It’s a Foundation Element, and it would be an honor for me to present it to my creators.
BM: are you trying to ask us to retrieve it? If so, I’m preemptively refusing on the behalf of all heroes on this earth.
Sys: Not at all. My creators are clear that the Foundation Elements stay in LGDM, lest another Tri incident occurs again. LGDM’s [LGBM Robin], Tim Drake, is already Psychologically harmed from the event.
RR: what happened to me?
Sys: body alterations followed by a fight between Batman and the altered Robin, who called themself “the Tri” when asked in the amalgamate form. There were orders for the Tri to destroy the fabric of reality, and it almost worked.
BM: What kind of alterations?
Sys: The Chest and Right thigh were the only pieces of the Tri recognizable as Tim’s.
RR, pale more than the usual amount: oh god…
BM: why was he involved?
Sys: Robin was kidnapped by Lord Vorton due to the Foundation Element he was holding during a high-speed chase. Later, the Joker, the Riddler, Luthor, and Two face worked under Vorton to prevent you from locating the foundation elements to find the foundation temple to save robin. You arrived, and got caught, your rouges gave Vorton the elements you collected, and Robin became the amalgamate known as the Tri through the elemental plate’s manipulation. After the Tri was Subdued, Vorton was then lured to and trapped in a stable Vortex Loop. This reversed the effects of the alterations and robin returned to normal.
NW: … what was the psychological harm?
Sys: imagine you are stuck in an empty cage for an undetermined amount of time while enemies old and new are five feet in front of you talking about how your father figure is going to be brutally demolished while casually cleaning weapons. It’s also heavily windy as structures the size of skyscrapers move around you in unpredictable patterns. The ground around your prison is also quicksand that moves in waves three to twelve times your height. Now imagine your body being forcefully combined with two other unwilling participants as the ones you were closest to could do nothing but watch. Said unwilling participants being your cell neighbors that you have befriended over your time in captivity. All parties involved were conscious throughout the experience as three separate entities.
RR: please stop talking.
BM: Who were the other participants?
Sys: Metalbeard and a hobbit.
RH: what, like lord of the rings? Is he Frodo, Bilbo, Mary, Pippin, or Sam?
Sys: Frodo.
RH: hot dang. I was being sarcastic…
RR: I mean it. stop talking. We’re continuing. Play something else before I throw up at the imagery of my body being combined with Metalbeard and Frodo from lord of the rings to turn into an amalgamate.
BM: yes, let’s just do something from the preferences. Computer, play something your creators found humorous.
Sys: of course.
NOW PLAYING…
“DC- Skit: Meet the Robins (Joker) – The Panda Redd”