St*rfucker

Carol was already waiting at the cafe by the time they got there. They’d gotten up without waking Tony up, which they’d been grateful for. It was a quiet cafe, quite new but it looked nice. Carol had gotten a table at the back, where hopefully they wouldn’t be seen. They didn’t know if that was why she chose that table, but they were grateful either way. They headed over there to find a coffee already waiting for them. 

“Oat milk and caramel syrup,” Carol said. “Brun told me how you take it.”

They smiled as they sat down. “Thank you.” 

“How’ve you been?” She asked. 

They shrugged. “Been better, been worse. How’re you?”

“Neck deep in paperwork, but it’s going,” she replied. “Got a couple meetings about the company next week in New York.” 

They smiled a little. “That’s good. That sounds good.”

“It’s exciting, but I can’t wait to have everything sorted so I can actually just enjoy it,” she said. “Being home will be nice, too. Brun hates America, which is fair, I’m not the biggest fan of it either, but I’ve got some family there so I’m excited to see them.”

“I get that. I’m not the biggest fan of America, but it’s Tony’s home,” they replied. “Then again, he’s basically lived with me for the last few months so I’m not complaining.”

“Are you heading back over there at some point?” She asked. 

They shrugged. “Maybe after Cabaret, I don’t know. Depends what Tony wants to do. He’s doing a bunch of stuff with the album at the moment, so I might head over with him once I’m free.”

“Brun was auditioning for more things yesterday. It feels like just yesterday she found out about Cabaret, and now there’s only a few weeks left,” she said. “I really can’t believe it.”

They nodded. “It’s been great. I’m not really ready for it to end just yet.”

She smiled a little. “I bet. It sounds like fun. Any plans to go back into theatre?”

They shook their head. “It’s not worth the fallout. Anyway, being on stage being judged every night? Easier to get things perfect behind a camera.”

She chuckled. “I guess you’re not wrong there. So what’s the plan?”

That was probably the worst thing she could’ve asked them. “I don’t really have one. I’m just going to see where things go.”

“En Dwi wore Mobius down?”

They shook their head. “My drug test came back positive, which is such fucking bullshit.”

“You didn’t relapse?” She asked. 

“No- well, I don’t think I did, but a positive test is hard to argue with,” they replied. 

“It is, but En Dwi has people working at TVA. It wouldn’t be hard for him to get a drug test messed with,” she said. “Not saying that that’s what happened, but he’s done it before.”

Oh, that bitch. Thinking about it, it made sense. Of course En Dwi would do that. It was a relief in a way, that that was probably what had happened. That they hadn’t relapsed and not remembered it. That it was just En Dwi. As irritating as it was, it was weirdly better than the alternative. 

“Thank you for letting me know,” they said. “I was worried that I had actually relapsed.”

She shook her head. “He did that to me once. I was so fucking scared, but Brun had been with me and she swore that I hadn’t touched anything.”

“The night of the Gala- I don’t remember much after leaving the theatre, so I wasn’t- I could’ve taken something. Maybe not meth, but honestly- it wouldn’t have surprised me.” They took a deep breath. “Tony believed in me. Said that he didn’t think I’d taken anything, and that he trusted me when I said I hadn’t.”

“He’s a good egg.” She smiled a little. “He phoned me the other day to ask how he could support you. He said he didn’t really know everything about what happened when you were with En Dwi, but knew enough and wanted to be able to support you. He’s been talking to Brun a lot as well.”

They hesitated. “He's great. I’m so grateful to have him in my life, but I’m worried- I’m worried that he’s not looking after himself like he should be. He’s got so much going on, and I’m adding to it now. Well- I’m always adding to it, but more so than usual. I don’t know what to do.”

Carol took a moment to think. “When I met Brun, she was four years sober. I was using every few hours, I was drinking every night, I was- I was the worst I’d ever been. She had her shit together in a way I couldn’t comprehend, and it made me feel so much worse. One night I told her that I wanted to get clean. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to have my shit together. That was it then. She sent me the details to the rehab she went to, she stayed with me while I decided what to do, and she was there for me, despite her own sobriety. She said that being around me was hell because it made her want to drink, but it was also like a lifeline because she really couldn’t. There was too much on the line.”

They didn’t know that Brun was sober. It made sense considering they’d never seen her drink. It added up. It didn’t make them feel much better about Tony’s predicament, but they got where Carol was coming from. They took a sip of their coffee to buy them some time to think of what to say. 

“I don’t want to lose him,” Loki said quietly. It was all they could say. “He’s the best thing to ever happen to me.”

“He’s head over heels for you,” she replied. “You wouldn’t lose him. He looks at you like you’re his world. It would be cute if it wasn’t gross.”

They chuckled quietly. “I don’t know. I’m just waiting for him to realise that he deserves better.”

“I was like that with Brun for ages. Who would want someone like us, right? But they do. They don’t look at what we’ve been through like we do.” She looked down. “I thought she was only with me for sex. Or that I could only repay her with sex. It was a year until we fucked. She wouldn’t do it until I was ready, but she didn’t care. She was more concerned about making me feel used or like she was only with me for that.”

“I was worried about that,” they replied quietly. “He hasn’t shown any interest in me like that and I was so scared that he thought that- I don’t know. I was worried that he thought that I was too used or something.”

“Yeah, that was another argument we had.” She chuckled quietly. “She sat me down and told me to get a therapist.”

They snorted. “He did that to me before we even got together. He said he wants to, he’s just waiting for me.”

“Yeah, that was fucking terrifying. It was a year before we finally fucked,” she said. “Worth the wait.”

They chuckled quietly. “At least it was worth it.”

“I’m sure it will be for you too.” She sighed. “He’s still doing it, isn’t he?”

They paused. “Who?”

“En Dwi.”

Fuck. “I don’t know.”

“I want to take him down,” she said. “I want to get him and Dreykov. They’re both the fucking same and- they can’t keep doing what they’re doing and getting away with it.”

“If anyone’s going to do it, it’ll be you,” they replied.

“Or it could be us.” She raised a brow. “Loki, we could do this together. Imagine that.”

They hesitated. “I don’t know. I’m not- I wouldn’t be good at it.”

“I think you would be,” she replied. “There’s no one else I’d rather do this with.”

“I’ll think about it.” 

They absolutely wouldn’t.

----

Loki didn’t know why they hadn’t expected people to spot them and Carol together, but the photos had gone viral within minutes of them leaving the cafe. Mainly rumours about them leaving TVA and signing with her, but clearly Mobius hadn’t released the statement yet. God, that was such a nightmare.

They headed back home before going to the theatre. They had an hour, and they wanted to see Tony. He’d been asleep when they’d left, and after what they heard last night, they wanted to check in. They knew that they were a lot, they’d known that for a while, but hearing it was worse somehow. Especially from Tony. They knew that they weren’t meant to hear it, but that didn’t change how they felt about it.

They found Tony in the bedroom, packing a bag. That wasn’t good. They froze by the door, not quite sure of what to do. So he was finally leaving. He was going to leave when they weren’t there, without saying goodbye. They’d expected it to happen at some point, but it didn’t make it any easier. It was like they couldn’t breathe, like they couldn’t move and they were underwater with no way out.

“Hey!” Tony smiled when he spotted them. “Fuck- sorry, this- there’s so many fucking arguments about the album right now so I need to head back to deal with it- I was waiting for you to come back to tell you. I wasn’t going to leave without seeing you first. I’m so sorry, Lokes.”

Fuck. “No, no- it’s fine. Is everything okay?”

“Apparently what we want to be the first single isn’t right and the label hate it, but they’re fucking idiots so I’m going to go- I need to be there. Plus there’s this whole thing about re-recording some of it, but it’s all fucking perfect so- yeah. I just- I need to be there.” He slumped. “I’m so sorry, Loki. I’m really sorry. I know it’s a fucking awful time to leave, but-”

“Tony, this is important.” They shook their head. “You need to be there. I understand. There’s nothing to apologise for.”

He smiled sadly. “Have I ever said that you’re fucking fantastic?”

“Maybe once or twice.” They tried to smile. “I hope you give them hell for fucking with your album.”

“Oh, trust me, they’re going to get it,” he replied as he went back to packing. “You’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be okay.” They paused. “Will you?”

“Once this is sorted, yeah.”

As much as they believed Tony, a part of them was worried that it was just an excuse. That he was running away from them, the album was just a convenient excuse. Maybe it was. What did that change? They didn’t know what they were going to do without Tony. At that point, their biggest reason for being sober was Tony. If they relapsed then it risked his sobriety, with him on the other side of the world, what was stopping them? Fucking hell, they really had to stop putting all their motivations to stay clean on one person. They could almost hear their therapist scream at them for it.

“Once Cabaret’s done, I can fly out,” they said quietly. “If that’s okay?”

He paused his packing to look at them. “Only if you’re sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured to.”

“It’s a few weeks away, but- I haven’t spent much time in New York for a while,” they replied. “Only if you want me there, though.”

He walked over to them. “Lokes, there’s nothing I want more.”

They smiled a little. It was a relief to hear that. “I love you.”

He pulled them into a hug. “I love you too.”

—-----

Heading to the theatre was almost painful knowing that Tony wouldn’t be there when they got back. Loki didn’t really know what to do. They didn’t want to go back to an empty house. They never minded an empty house before, but that had changed in such a small amount of time. Since Tony unofficially moved in, the silence became suffocating. They were so used to being alone, but Tony had really left a huge impact on their life. 

They got in a little early to get a headstart on getting ready. They put their hair into little pin-curls ready for their wig before they started on their base makeup. Their phone started buzzing from its place on the table, then it went off more and more. They took a quick look and found a bunch of messages, mainly from people they didn’t talk to, asking them what happened. A quick look at other notifications showed that the news had broke.

Loki Laufeyson parts with TVA Management, sources say it was an amicable split. Laufeyson’s manager, Mobius M Mobius says that it was the right time to call it, and wishes Laufeyson all the best in the future.

The comments were almost exactly how they imagined they would be.

OMG, maybe they’re signing with Carol? What a duo that would be

Please tell me they’re going back into theatre, they’d make an amazing Hedwig

Seen rumours that they’ve got a writing credit on the Avengers’ new album, maybe going into music?

Oh god, please don’t tell me they’re going back to theatre

Did they stop fucking their manager after getting with that music guy? Only way they can get jobs

About time that people stop platforming those mentally ill people that insist that they’re special using those stupid pronouns

What a fucking idiot, using pronouns to complain about pronouns.

Well, being a starfucker didn’t work out for them

Maybe this will show him that we don’t want perverts out and about for our kids to see

Hope this knocks him down a peg, he got too cocky for his own good

Okay but imagine Loki going back into theatre, literally nothing I need more in my life

Well, that was interesting. They turned their phone off and went back to doing their makeup. They had other things to worry about, and going back home to an empty house was a little more pressing than people generally being transphobic. It would never stop, would it? Sure, they’d seen complaints about them being in Cabaret, but it was easy to ignore when they had Brun by their side calling the commenters a slew of creative names. A part of them was worried with the way that society was going that it was only going to get worse. Maybe one day they’d get hurt because of it, or with the way things were going in America that going there would be an absolute mistake. They couldn’t tell Tony that, though. They didn’t get it too bad, they knew that. They’d never labelled their gender publically, they only started using gender-neutral pronouns, but that was enough for people to get pissed off at. If they came out as genderfluid, god, they’d get fed to the wolves. It was easier to keep that part to themself. 

The show went like usual. They hid in their dressing room between shows, but everyone had seen the news and they respected the fact that they wanted some space. Brun had thrown a bar of their favourite chocolate their way and left them to it. Tony hadn’t landed yet, so they couldn’t talk to him. They just had to wait the worst of it out. People knew, they couldn’t change that, but they just wished that the reactions were different. Sure, there were some positive, and that surprised them, but the negative ones were beyond infuriating. 

The second show was the same as the matinee. They did stage door as usual, and despite there being a few comments about their parting from their management, most people didn’t know. It was nice to pretend like things were normal for a bit. It was a welcome break from reality. They signed programmes, took a few photos, then started their walk home. Tony had landed by then, and they’d had a few texts about how stupid the label was, but that was about it. They scrolled through Twitter on their way home, not wanting to think about the quiet that was awaiting them, when an article caught their eye.

Tony Stark getting too big for his boots? Sources close to the hot-tempered singer say that he’s fighting with his label about the upcoming Avengers album, throwing tantrum after tantrum when he isn’t getting his own way. Fears for his relationship with model Loki Laufeyson have been brought up by those closest to him, saying that he’s getting bored of the model and has women on standby ready for his house, now that he’s landed in New York. Cheating rumours have followed Stark since his relationship with Potts, with that being the rumoured reason that they split, so it wouldn’t be too far-fetched that he was cheating on Laufeyson with a woman.

That fucking dickhead. He thought he was being slick, covering his tracks well. He thought that he was being smart, but it was the most idiotic thing Loki had seen. Was it revenge? Probably. They should’ve thought about that the moment the photos of them and Carol got out. That article had En Dwi written all over it, and they couldn’t believe that they hadn’t thought that he’d target Tony to get to them. Considering most of the comments were quite negative about Tony, and a few people believing that he was cheating on Loki, it had worked.

They slammed the door shut behind them when they got back to the house. They knew that it was a bad idea to react straight away. It was what En Dwi wanted. It was bait, and it worked. Loki knew that. En Dwi knew that. He knew where to strike, after his failed attempt with the fake article he said he’d stopped. That was why En Dwi wanted to talk to Loki the last time he was in London. It was to see how they’d react to Tony being threatened, and it had worked. En Dwi knew that that was the best way to get to them. They were such a fucking idiot.

Tony tried calling them, but they let it ring out. If they hung up on him then he’d think that they believed the article. They didn’t. Not in the slightest. They just couldn’t talk to him knowing that it was all their fault. That they went out for coffee with Carol, and En Dwi took it out on Tony. They couldn't face that just yet.

Once their phone stopped ringing, they rang En Dwi. It was stupid, but what else could they do? They had to get that article down before it did any more damage, and they had to set things right.

“Lo-Lo!” En Dwi sounded pleased to hear from them, at least. “It’s so nice to hear from you. How’re you doing? Sorry to hear about Mobius, he’s so fi-”

“Get that article taken down,” they said. “Get them to put out a statement saying that it was clickbait. I don’t give a shit what happens, but make it right.”

En Dwi paused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’ll do whatever you want, just make it happen.” That was an awful idea, but hey, desperation. 

“Got it. It’ll be down before this call ends,” he said. “How about we go for coffee in the morning? We can talk about it then.”

They were going to regret that. “Fine.”

“Lo-Lo, it didn’t have to get to this point. You just make things so difficult. At least it was one of the bullshit ones, right? Imagine if the ones about his family got out. That won’t have to happen, I’m sure.” Maybe phoning En Dwi was a mistake. It had just put a bigger target on Tony’s back. “I’ll text you the details. Looking forward to seeing you, Lo-Lo.”

Fuck. They were really backed into a corner with that one. Was it a good idea to warn Tony? Probably not. They didn’t want him to worry. They just had to go with the flow. They had to protect Tony. En Dwi had ruined many, many careers, and they weren’t going to let the same happen to Tony. Their phone rang again. Tony, again. They had to talk to him at some point.

“Loki, I don’t know what that article is- I promise you I would never cheat on you. Fuck- I really- I know how it looks- I just- I wouldn’t do that- I wouldn’t do that to you, I love you and it- I shouldn’t have come here, I should’ve stayed in London, I’m so fucking so-”

“Tony,” they said, “I believe you.”

“I know after Fandral it’s probably- wait-” He paused. “You believe me?”

“Yeah.” They took a deep breath. “I know you wouldn’t do anything like that.”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Loki- I- fuck.” It sounded like he was crying. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know where that article came from- I’m sorry. That must have been shitty to read.”

“Not as shitty as it was for you, I’m sure,” they said.

He sniffled. “Got lawyers looking into it. The article’s just been taken down apparently, so not sure what they can do now, but- fucking hell, I could’ve lost you.”

“Tony, I believe you. Always.” They wanted to tell him. They wanted to warn him about En Dwi, but what if he left them because of it? What if he didn’t want that lurking over his shoulder while they were together? They understood, but they didn’t want it to happen. “You wouldn’t do something like that. I trust you.”

“Fuck.” He sighed. “Lokes, I’m so- thank you. Thank you so, so much. I was so worried. I thought- I thought you’d leave me.”

They smiled bitterly. “Don’t you know how hard I am to get rid of? I’m like a piece of glitter.”

“Then you’re my favourite piece of glitter,” he replied. “How were the shows?”

They shrugged even though Tony couldn’t see them. “Fine. How was your flight?”

“Boring as fuck.” He groaned. “I hate flying. It’s so boring. Like- there’s nothing to do, and there was a bunch of screaming kids. So fucking boring.”

They chuckled quietly. “Really selling it to me considering I’m flying out in a few weeks.”

“Flying is great, best thing you can ever do.” He chuckled quietly. “I’ve got to go. I was in the middle of a meeting with some fucker in a suit when Nat showed me the article and I just dipped- I’m so sorry, Lokes.”

“Nothing to worry about,” they replied quietly. “Speak to you later.” 

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” Tony didn’t have to know. “I’m okay.”