St*rfucker

Loki wasn’t sure how they got through two shows. A lot of coffee, a bit of matcha, caffeine tablets - probably not the best way to do it, but hey, it wasn’t the worst they could’ve done. Hell, it was quite tame to how they used to get through days. They took another caffeine tablet with their coffee after the second show, just before they took their makeup off. They weren’t sure what they were going to do, but they weren’t confident that they were going to go home. 

“What the fuck is going on with you?” 

Loki glanced towards the door that Brunnhilde had burst through without knocking. They thought that they’d held it together quite well, all things considered. Clearly not. Then again, Brunnhilde was perceptive, even if she pretended not to care. 

“Mobius dropped me today,” they said as they turned back to the mirror. They carried on taking their makeup off, not daring to look at Brunnhilde. 

“Fuck,” she said quietly. “What’re you going to do?” 

“I don’t know.” They were quiet for a moment. “Me and Tony started off as a PR couple. Hated each other at first, but- yeah. We ended up really getting together.”

Brun was quiet for a moment. “Oh. I wouldn’t have thought that you two ever hated each other.”

They chuckled. “Yeah. We were at each other’s throats for ages. Anyway- our contract’s just been terminated. I know it’s stupid, but I guess- I guess I’m just a bit scared that he won’t be there when I get back. That- that he was just putting up with me and now he’s just going to leave because he can- I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Brun sat down next to them. “Hey, no need to apologise. That sounds horrible, but I’m sure he’ll be there. The guy’s head over heels for you, it’s so obvious. He looks at you like you’re his entire world.”

They hesitated. “The night of the gala- we argued. I said some really horrible stuff to him- all because he told me he loved me. He deserves so much better.”

Brun was quiet for a moment. “I was with Carol when she left En Dwi. It was horrible. She was still using, she had a fucking awful eating disorder and she- she was angry. We fought a lot. She said some really shitty things, and so did I. It was hard, but I saw what she’d been through. It didn’t make it any easier, but I understood what had happened. It took a while, but I’m stubborn and she needed someone. Fifteen years later and we’re still going strong. I don’t know what you went through with him, but if it’s anything like what Carol went through- and I don’t know what Tony knows, but he’s good. He’ll understand why these things aren’t the easiest for you. You just need to be open with him. Have you spoken to him since the contract got terminated?”

They shook their head. “I turned my phone off. Not because of that- just- I’m getting a lot of texts right now and none that I want to see. Maybe a little because of that as well, but mainly to avoid En Dwi.”

“Maybe he’s scared too,” she said. 

“Maybe,” they hummed. “Yeah. I just need to get home, I think.”

She got up. “I’ll leave you to it then. I’m always here for you, y’know. So’s Carol. She gets what En Dwi’s like, and she’s on the other end of the phone if you need someone who gets it.”

They smiled a little. “Thank you. I really- I really appreciate it.”

Brun smiled a little before she walked out of the room. She had a point, Loki thought. It was almost suffocating, the fact that everyone tiptoed around them because of what they thought had happened with En Dwi, but none of them understood. Even Tony’s judgement when Loki tried saying something positive about him - he didn’t get the fact that En Dwi could be good. He saved them more times than they could count. Frigga’s death wasn’t the first time he’d intervened when they tried to kill themself. God, when he found out that Loki was questioning their gender, he was so open about it and he was so happy to help, so long as they didn’t come out. Of course he was going to leave when Loki came out - it was the one thing he’d asked them to not do. No one really understood that. Maybe they did need to talk to Carol. 

They put one of Tony’s hoodies on before they headed out. They couldn’t find it in themself to care about how they looked in photos. They signed however many programmes were shoved their way, took as many photos as was requested, then made the journey home. They weren’t completely sure if Tony was going to be there, but what could they do? It would make running back to En Dwi a lot easier if he wasn’t there. There wouldn’t be any guilt. Any shame. There wouldn’t be anything to worry about. As long as Tony was in the picture, they couldn’t go back. They didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. 

The moment Loki opened the door, Tony was there. He hadn’t left. Thank god. They pulled him into a hug without any hesitation. He didn’t complain, he just held them close. Neither of them said anything. The relief was practically overwhelming, and it seemed like Tony felt the same way. Well, hopefully it wasn’t a goodbye hug. 

“Did you turn your phone off?” Tony asked quietly after a while. 

They nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“I was so worried- I’m just glad you’re okay. Fucking hell- I didn’t even think about us. About our relationship.” He sniffled. “I- I was so worried.”

“I was scared you wouldn’t be here,” Loki whispered. 

“I’m always here, Lokes. Always.” He held onto them a little tighter. “Fucking hell. I love you so, so much.”

“I love you too,” they replied. “I didn’t read the email. I just- I just saw the subject.”

“Not a fun email to read. The replies weren’t fun either. Just a couple people talking about our lives and our relationship like it’s nothing,” he said. “I spoke to Fury on the phone about it. They’re not going to release a breakup statement because- we’re not breaking up. It just means that we aren’t contractually obligated to spend time with each other anymore.”

Would Tony stuck around if he didn’t have to? Why would he? What was he getting out of their relationship? Nothing. They’d done damage control. No one remembered Tony getting arrested anymore. What was their purpose? They couldn’t give him anything, not with no management behind them. Then there was the weight of En Dwi’s persistence behind them. Why would Tony stick around for the mess that was inevitably to come? They weren’t stupid. They wanted to sign with Carol, but that would only hurt her in the long run. What would a normal life be like? Maybe they could step back from everything. Maybe they could live a normal life. Would they be happy then?

“You’re spiralling, Lokes,” he said as he pulled away to look at them. “Talk to me. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

They shook their head. “Nothing.”

“I swear to fucking god if you turn around tomorrow and hurl insults at me to get me to leave, I won’t be so patient.” He raised a brow. “What’s up?”

What could they say? Could they really tell the truth? Then again, the last time they tried to hide how they were feeling from Tony, things just got worse. Hell, that whole situation was the reason Mobius thought that they were using again. “Why are you staying?”

“Because I love you,” Tony replied without any hesitation. “You’re beautiful, you’re funny, you’re witty, you’re fucking fearless, you’re so beyond talented, you’re literally the only person worth watching when you do those fashion shows, you’re smart, you’re kind, you’re compassionate, you’re selfless to a fault, you’re beautiful- did I mention I love you?” He smiled a little. “I love you. Nothing in the world will change that. Not some contract that hasn’t meant shit to me in almost a year. I love you.”

How had they gotten so lucky? “I love you too.” 

Tony took their hand in his. “I’m assuming you haven’t eaten today. I’ve made some soup, I’ll go warm it up now and we can have that and watch a movie?”

That sounded like a nightmare. “Okay.”

He smiled a little. “Okay. Fancy watching Final Destination?”

God, Tony knew them well. They headed up to the bedroom while Tony heated the soup up. They got changed into pyjamas and one of Tony’s jumpers before they headed down to the living room. They curled up into the corner of the sofa and covered themself with a blanket. Sure, they were cold, but they didn’t want to see themself either. They toyed with their phone, in half a mind to turn it on again, but that was probably a bad idea. They couldn’t face another text from Verity. She’d probably gotten in touch with Tony considering she wasn’t hammering the door down. 

Tony handed them a mug of soup before he settled next to them. Leek and potato soup - one of their favourites. They started eating it but barely paid any attention to the movie. They didn’t really know what to do. They didn’t want to retire. Theatre? Then they’d have to deal with Thor, and En Dwi had probably stopped any auditions from heading their way. Hide from the world and never be seen again? That was vaguely tempting. 

Loki ate the soup. It was good, sure, but they just felt sick. Eating was torture. It took them a while, but they did it. Mainly for Tony. Only for Tony. Hell, if he hadn't been there then they wouldn’t have eaten. They took a deep breath before they headed to the kitchen. They grabbed a lollipop from their stash at the back of the cupboard before they headed back into the living room. They popped the lollipop in their mouth as they settled back down in their seat. They turned their phone back on, thinking that they should probably reply to Verity. Just to let her know that they were still alive. 

I’ve spoken to Tony - let’s go for coffee when you’re feeling up to it, just want to check in. See you soon x 

They replied to Verity with a thumbs up. They really couldn’t manage anything else. There was something from Mobius with an apology, but they didn’t open it. They didn’t really care. One from Carol caught their eye. 

Brun told me what happened. I hope you’re okay. If you want to talk about it we can head for coffee or something. I’m in town for the week, would be nice to see you before I go. Sending positive vibes your way x

Well, at least that was nice. They didn’t reply. It was a morning job. They wanted to see Carol again, so they would make sure to reply to that. Then there was one from En Dwi. 

My team found this, we pulled it before it could go out. Might want to chat to Mobius about this, don’t want your rep to get damaged in the fallout. Hope you’re okay, always here for you - EDG xx’

He’d sent a screenshot of an article. ‘Loki Laufeyson dropped my management after relapse amid breakup drama. Inside source says that the model, currently starring in Cabaret, has gone back to their party lifestyle after airport drama. This comes after the rumours that Laufeyson and their partner Tony Stark split up prior to the Met Gala earlier this week due to Laufeyson’s drug problem, but a contract between TVA Management and SHIELD encouraged the former couple to attend the event to…’

Holy shit. Why would Mobius put that out? Did he know or was it someone else in the company? What the fuck? So much for an amicable parting. They put their phone down on the sofa before they headed outside. They just wanted to scream, to throw something, to hurt. It was like they were underwater and there was a fire inside them dying to get out. Why would Mobius do that? Especially after agreeing to not say anything about their relationship with Tony? What the fuck?

“Lokes?”

Fuck. 

“I need five minutes,” they said. 

Mobius didn’t care. How could they have been so stupid? He just cared about money, and he knew that En Dwi wanted them back. Why wouldn’t he ruin their reputation to stop En Dwi from signing them again? Hell, any mention of a relapse and everything would fall apart. Not because people cared about them, but because Tony had been open about his sobriety. They kept seeing comments on posts about them saying that people were worried about Tony’s sobriety because of them. That people thought it was selfish that they went out partying with Fandral because of Tony’s sobriety. That they were a ticking time bomb that would drag Tony down. They were. They knew that. They didn’t need other people to remind them. 

Why did Tony keep them around? They weren’t good company, they were a mess and they were barely hanging on by a thread. Hell, they’d seen people say that Tony kept them around because they were a good fuck, but they weren’t even that. They’d never slept with Tony. What if he didn’t like that? What if he was getting impatient? How selfish were they? At least Fandral told them when he wanted to fuck. Tony hadn’t. Why? Because he was worried that they’d have a breakdown at the mention of sex? Was he disgusted by them? That was fair enough. They were disgusted with themself. How many times had they thrown themself at someone for a job? They told themself that it was fine, that it didn’t mean anything, but that was bullshit, wasn’t it? Why would Tony want someone so used? Who sold themself out for whatever job they could get?

Maybe he felt sorry for them. God, his face when he had to tell them that something was wrong with what had happened. The pity. It was horrible. The way he forgave them just because they realised that they’d been used their entire life. That they thought that they’d agreed to it, but they hadn’t. Not really. They’d just been too blind to see it for what it was. En Dwi had told them that it was fine, that it was a transaction, that they were better for it, and they believed him because it was better than the truth. 

Fandral had basically enforced that. That they were lucky that jobs were handed to them like that. Then again, Tony hadn’t been subtle about what he thought about Fandral. Loki remembered a time where Tony had asked them if Fandral had raped them. They just laughed. Maybe he had. He had and they just dealt with it. They didn’t talk to Fandral about it. They just wanted to be loved. How pathetic was that?

Why didn’t Tony want them? Fandral hated them but he still wanted them. What was so wrong with them that Tony didn’t? What were they doing wrong? They’d put on weight, they knew that, but wasn’t that what Tony wanted? So what was wrong?

They headed inside, where Tony was waiting on the sofa. The movie was still playing, but he wasn’t watching it. They sat down on his lap, their knees either side of his lap, and pulled him into a kiss. It took a moment for him to react, but he wrapped his arms around them and held them close. They didn’t think they’d ever get used to being in Tony’s arms, being held by him. It was all so special. No one had ever held them so gently, or made them feel so safe. Tony was special, they knew that. They didn’t deserve him, but they were going to make the most of their time with him. 

Loki trailed their hand down Tony’s chest slowly, and he didn’t stop them. That was a good sign, then. They went to undo the button on his jeans when he pushed their hands away. He pulled away as he wrapped his arms back around their waist. 

“Sweetheart, as much as it’s killing me to stop this, I don’t- I don’t think it’s a good idea right now,” he said. “What’s going on?”

So Tony didn’t want them. That just proved it. Tony had a reputation for sleeping with anyone he could - not that Loki really thought much of it, and they wouldn’t have judged if it was true - so what was wrong with them? Couples fucked, right? Normal, healthy couples? Or had they got that twisted as well? 

“Loki,” Tony said quietly. “There’s- we’re both feeling a lot of emotions right now. I don’t- I mean, let’s face it, I’ve wanted to fuck you for years, but- I don’t think that this is a good time. I want you to want to do it, I want you to be comfortable with it. If that never happens then that’s fine too. I’m happy either way, because I’m with you. I love you, that won’t change.”

Fuck. Why was he so perfect? Loki wanted to say that they wanted to, that they were fine, but Tony’s done left no room for any argument, despite how gentle he’d been. They didn’t know when they started crying, but Tony was quick to hug them and hum a song. They didn’t know the song, but it sounded perfect. Everything Tony did was perfect. Even when their life was practically over, with no purpose, no jobs, no worth, Tony was still there. Tony was always there. They didn’t know what they’d done to deserve Tony, but they were desperate to never lose him. Never again.