St*rfucker

Loki didn’t think that they’d ever get used to waking up in Tony’s arms. He was like a cosy hot water bottle with arms. Not even his snoring was annoying. His hair was messy, even a little curly after a nights rest. He looked so relaxed, so calm, so peaceful. They traced some of the tattoos on his arm lightly, following the herd of ducks that covered the top of his arm by his shoulder. Loki didn’t quite understand the tattoos, but they still loved them. There was a duck with boots, a duck with a knife, a duck with a baguette - it was quite random. It was so Tony, though. 

They couldn’t quite understand how at peace they were with everything. They didn’t have any jobs lined up, En Dwi was blocking everything, and Mobius thought that they’d relapsed - but they didn’t care. They were doing a job they loved with people they loved, and they had Tony by their side. Sure, things were a little shaky after what they’d done, but Tony still trusted them. He didn’t even doubt that they were still clean. God, he was just fucking perfect, wasn’t he?

“Don’t judge my ducks,” Tony mumbled. They looked at him, but his eyes were still shut. 

“Not judging,” they replied quietly. “They’re cute.”

He huffed. “It’s so early.”

They checked the clock. “Tony, it’s eleven.”

“My point stands.”

They chuckled softly. “Do you want some breakfast?”

He opened an eye. “Now you’re talking.”

“What do you fancy?” They asked. 

“Surprise me.”

They got out of bed and threw one of Tony’s hoodies on over their pyjamas. They headed downstairs and put the coffee machine on, knowing that it would be Tony’s priority once he was out of bed, then started on breakfast. They went with a vague fry-up situation, considering they had everything for it and Tony loved it. They chopped the mushrooms and tomatoes up while the coffee machine got started, but once it was ready they made themself a coffee. 

Loki didn’t think that they’d enjoy food again, but Tony had really helped them through it. Hell, they actually enjoyed cooking. They really, really liked cooking. There was something peaceful about it. They didn’t even mind eating it. They were at a point in their life that they’d never expected that they’d get to, and they didn’t hugely care about whatever En Dwi had in store. They were finally happy, and that was all they found themself caring about. 

A knock on the door pulled them out of their thoughts. They set their mug down before they headed towards the door. A part of them was worried that Thor had found where they lived, but that was quite dramatic. They opened the door to find Mobius there. 

“Hey,” they said. “Everything okay?”

There was something off. Mobius didn’t have the really friendly smile he usually had, he was tense, his jaw was clenched. Something was definitely wrong. “Can I come in?”

They nodded, but didn’t say anything. Something was definitely wrong. They shut the door behind Mobius before following him out to the kitchen. They made another cup of coffee for him, mainly to hide just how much their hands were shaking. Why couldn’t people just be open when there was something wrong and not draw it out?

“Are you cooking?” He asked. 

They nodded. “Making a fry-up. Do you want to stay for breakfast?”

“No, no, I’ve got a meeting to get to. Thank you, though,” he replied. “How’re you holding up?”

They set the cup of coffee in front of Mobius before they grabbed their own. “Yeah, fine. Really good, actually. How’re you?”

Mobius was quiet for a moment. “Loki, I need you to be honest with me.”

“I am.”

He pulled some papers out of his bag and set them on the table. “Your test came back positive for meth.”

Everything stopped. How? They hadn’t taken anything. They looked at the paper Mobius had put down, and it was the test result and some information about rehabs. Had they taken anything? The only night they couldn’t remember was the Gala but they just got cigarettes and stayed home. There was no way they’d taken anything. 

“Mobius- no. I’ve always been open with you when I’ve relapsed.” Slight lie, considering the party they went to with Fandral, but they’d been open every other time. “I haven’t taken anything.”

He paused. “I want to believe you, Loki, but the test says otherwise.”

“Mobius- I don’t even do meth,” they said. 

“Well that’s a sentence to walk in on,” Tony said from the doorway. “Hey, Mobius. What’s going on?”

Loki took a step back from the table. They couldn’t look at Tony. God, Tony had been so annoyed about the fact Mobius had asked them to do a drug test. What if he didn’t believe them? He’d been with them every day apart from the night of the Gala. They weren’t sure that they’d have believed them if they were Tony or Mobius. They just knew that hadn’t taken anything. 

“Loki?” Tony asked. 

What could they say? ‘Hey, the drug test says I’ve taken meth but I haven’t taken anything and I never took meth anyway so something’s wrong’. That didn’t really seem like the right thing to say. 

“So what’s happening now?” They finally looked at Mobius. 

“I’m sorry, Loki,” he said. “If you’d been open with me then we could’ve sorted it under the table. Now that there’s a paper trail- my hands are tied. I’m sorry.”

So that was it. They’d been dropped by another manager, but somehow Mobius was worse. He kept saying that he trusted them, that he’d help them. That he’d be there for them. Bullshit, clearly. Would Tony believe them? Probably not. How could one piece of paper cost them so much?

“The reason won’t go out, it’ll just be an amicable part,” Mobius said. “If you ever need anything, Loki, I’m here. Always. I’m so sorry that this- my hands are tied. I’m sorry.”

Mobius left without looking back. Tony was still watching them, but they didn’t know. Was Tony going to follow Mobius? How could they argue with the test result? They were hardly the most trustworthy person. 

Tony went over to the table to look at the papers. Loki didn’t really know what to do. They wanted to scream. They wanted to punch a wall. They wanted to go and get some coke considering they had nothing left to lose. Tony wouldn’t stay. Why would he? They had nothing. Again. They grabbed the packet of cigarettes from on top of the kitchen counter before they headed out the front door. They sat down on the step and lit the cigarette, having that in one hand and their cup of coffee in the other. Thank god they had hedges hiding their front door to everyone. 

When could they have taken anything? They remembered the Met. They couldn’t remember a point where they felt off or weird. Not even after the Cabaret Gala. They woke up hungover but that was it. How could the test have been wrong? They had to be wrong, they just didn’t know how. 

“How’re you doing?”

They couldn’t look at Tony. He was just going to leave. Loki couldn’t blame him. If they’d relapsed, they expected Tony to leave for his own sake. Besides, they couldn’t do that to Tony. They couldn’t imagine doing something that risked Tony’s sobriety. 

Tony sat down next to them. They couldn’t look at him. What if they had taken something? They were so sure that they hadn’t, but what if they had? When had they done meth? God, they fucking hated meth. They’d remember taking it, they were sure of it. 

“Lokes, I love you, and I trust you,” he said. “I need you to be honest with me.”

They didn’t realise that they needed to cry. They didn’t know that they were going to cry until they started sobbing. Tony wrapped his arms around them and pulled them into his side, and they didn’t stop him. They couldn’t say anything. They didn’t even know what they’d say. ‘I didn’t take meth because I hate it but the test says otherwise and that’s obviously more fucking trustworthy than I am’. That didn’t sound great. 

Hearing that Tony still loved and trusted him, despite that piece of paper on the kitchen table, meant the world. Why would he still trust them? Why would he still love them? Did they deserve it? Especially if they had taken something, why would they deserve Tony’s love and trust? They barely deserved it anyway. 

“I don't know how that test could be wrong, but- I trust you,” he said. “If you said you hadn’t taken anything, and I know what a meth comedown looks like. You would’ve had that in our fitting if you’d taken something that night. I trust you, and I believe you. I just- if you did actually take something, I want you to trust me enough to tell me. I’m here to support you, okay? We’ll work through it together. Always together.”

How lucky had they gotten? What had they done to deserve Tony? Tony, who was so understanding, who was so kind, so trusting. What had they done to deserve him? Because they couldn’t think of a single thing that they’d done to deserve him. They’d lied, they’d hurt people to get their own way, they’d hurt Tony - yet he was still there. He was still by their side. 

“I’ve only done meth a couple times. Mobius knows that,” they said quietly. “En Dwi hated the stuff so he never gave it to us. Always coke or heroin, depending on the situation. Acid, sometimes, for a treat. I only did meth when I got my own shit, but that wasn’t often.”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “What were you addicted to?”

“Coke,” they replied. “I only really did meth when Frigga died. En Dwi preferred coke because the high was shorter- long enough to last shoots, but short enough that we’d need more quite soon after. Meth lasted too long. Meant that he had less of a leash, kind of thing. When Frigga died and he stopped giving me shit- I just never wanted to be sober. I wouldn’t- I wouldn’t throw everything away for meth. That- I don’t think I’d do that, even drunk.”

“Who knows you did it then?” He asked.

They shrugged. “En Dwi. Maybe a couple others signed by him. I don’t really remember much from then. Thor, I think. You, now. I only ever told people that I didn’t like it.”

“So what’re you going to do now?” He asked.

They shrugged. “I really don’t know.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Why don’t we go out? Maybe go to the park or something?”

They shook their head. “I don’t really want to be seen right now.”

What if they were out when the news broke? No, it would just be embarrassing. Besides, they knew a dealer who was normally around the park. When everything was screaming at them to just go and get high, that one time won’t hurt, especially since they’d lost the contract that depended on their sobriety, they didn’t think that they’d be able to resist. 

They were coming up to a year again. Part of them wanted to see it through, to get to that point again. The other part of them didn’t want to so that when they inevitably relapsed - because they didn’t know how they were going to get through anything without at least a bit of coke - it wouldn’t be as disappointing. It wouldn't feel so bad. 

Loki put the cigarette out on the step next to them before they got up. They headed inside without a word to Tony. They headed straight to the kitchen and opened the furthest cupboard away from the door. On the top shelf was a bag of lollipops. They unwrapped one then put it in their mouth, the orange flavour bringing them some relief. They tried to think through what their therapist said about cravings. Thinking ahead didn’t really help. They still expected Tony to leave once he really understood just how much of a mess they were. Maybe they could speed it along if they relapsed. They had nothing else to lose. No one else to lose. The band, sure, but if Tony left so did they. Yeah, thinking ahead never really helped. 

Get a hobby. That was one she kept telling them. What hobbies could they possibly have? Okay, that probably wasn’t great. Cooking, maybe, but that was the last thing they wanted to do. 

Their phone started vibrating against the table. They checked it, finding it was En Dwi phoning them. That probably wasn’t a bad thing. They had no reason to not sign with him again. There was nothing stopping them. Well, maybe Tony. He’d made it unbelievably clear that he didn’t want them to sign back with En Dwi, but what other choice did they have? They went to answer it when Tony walked into the room. 

“Who’s that?” He asked. 

They put their phone down on the counter. “En Dwi.”

Tony stilled. “Why’s he phoning you?”

They shrugged. “I don’t know.”

It eventually rang out. They checked their notifications, to find two missed calls from En Dwi, eight missed calls from Verity and numerous texts from both of them. The news hadn’t been announced yet, judging by the lack of news notifications. 

Mobius just told me, are you okay? 

Is Tony there with you?

Please think about rehab. Please. You can absolutely bounce back from this. 

Let’s go for coffee, okay? Just to chat. 

My contract’s with you, not Mobius. We’ll work this out, okay? 

Lokes, I say this with love, answer your fucking phone 

And then one from En Dwi. 

Heard about your contract with Mobius ending. Always here for you, Lo-Lo, I’m just on the other side of the phone - EDG xx

How the fuck did En Dwi know? They did a quick check online but nothing had been said. How did En Dwi know? They put their phone down and headed to the coffee machine to make another coffee. They could feel Tony’s eyes on them but they didn’t have it in them to look at him, or even just speak. They could sign back with En Dwi, and they could work more than they had in a while. Wasn’t that what they wanted? What would Tony think? Why did they care so much about what Tony thought?

“En Dwi knows,” they said quietly. “I don’t know how.”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “What did he say?”

“Just that he’s here for me.” They shrugged. “Nothing bad.”

There was another pause. “Why don’t you sign with Carol?”

They chuckled. “En Dwi would be pissed. He hates Carol. It would be worse than when I was with Mobius.”

“Why does he hate her?” He asked. 

“She was signed to him when she first started out. Couple years before I was signed with him, she called him out. Publicly said what he’d done. What he was doing.” They took a deep breath. “She was blacklisted, but she didn’t back down. She worked with charities to help survivors, she started to spread awareness of what happened to young people in the industry, she kept herself relevant, even without the bigger jobs.”

“She seems really nice,” Tony said. “You both want the same thing, really. To help people.”

They chuckled quietly. “She wants to help people, I want to help people but I also want to save myself. She’s better than me.”

“Lokes, it’s not a bad thing to want to save yourself,” he replied quietly. “Maybe some time without worrying about jobs will be good.”

If they went too long without any jobs, they’d be forgotten. They’d be known as Tony Stark’s partner. They didn’t want to be known as someone’s partner, even if they loved Tony. They wanted to be their own person. They wanted to be Loki. Whoever that was, because they really didn’t know. They didn’t know who they were. Not really. They just knew that they wanted to be themself, whoever that was. 

Their phone went off again. They checked it, only to find it was Verity. They didn’t have it in them to talk to her. Not yet. They turned their phone off and drank what was left of their coffee. They just needed to think without the pressure of someone else around, and they had just over an hour before they needed to be at the theatre. 

“I’m going to head in early,” Loki said. “I’ve got some paperwork I need to do.”

Tony nodded slowly. “If you need anything, I’m here, okay?”

Loki nodded but didn’t say anything. They got dressed into some black trousers and a simple grey shirt and grabbed their laptop and their bag before they headed out. They walked in, considering it wasn’t too far and they needed the air. Being in that house was almost worse than being outside. It was suffocating. They still remembered the best places to hide drugs in. They remembered the overdoses - both accidental and purposeful. They remembered the countless breakdowns. They remembered all of it, and it was like an invitation to go through it all again. They wouldn’t. They couldn’t. Not with Tony there. 

The theatre was quiet. Not many people were in so early, but they liked that. They enjoyed the peace. They headed to their dressing room and got started on the paperwork they said they were going to do. It didn’t help. It wasn’t a good distraction. If anything, it was worse. After some poorly attempted maths, they ended up checking their emails. Not too many luckily. One from Mobius caught their eye, to Nick Fury that they’d been copied into that made their heart stop.  

TERMINATION OF CONTRACT - Loki Laufeyson & Tony Stark.