St*rfucker

Loki had forgotten to set an alarm. They’d fucked up. Hence how they’d somehow managed to get to the airport with very little time left and still in the clothes they’d been wearing the night before. They weren’t convinced that they were completely sober either. They just knew that they were on the plane on time, and that they were grateful that they’d packed before they'd headed to the theatre. 

The flight wasn’t too long, but it was longer than what they would’ve wanted it to have been. They got changed in the airport bathroom before any more photos of them could be taken - they didn’t want to deal with the fallout of two lots of photos being taken of them looking as they had been. They changed into some black jeans and a cropped grey jumper before heading back out. The taxi journey to the hotel wasn’t long, but when all they wanted was to go to bed, it was longer than they wanted it to be. 

Would they have to share a hotel room with Tony? Shit. He lived in New York, maybe he’d stay at his? Hopefully. They couldn’t deal with sharing a hotel room with Tony. Not after their fight. Well, what Loki said. Tony just stood there and took it. Why didn’t he fight back? Why couldn’t he have gotten angry? That would’ve made it easier. No, he just had to stand there and take it. Why couldn't he have hurt them back? Why couldn't he have argued, said something hurtful? Why did he just stand there and take it?

The hotel room was empty. The cream walls were brighter than what should’ve been allowed with the sunlight seeping onto them. They closed the curtains then sat down on the bed. Tony wasn’t there. It didn’t look like anyone had been there. How were they meant to do a public event with him? God, they’d mistimed it. They’d fucked up. They messaged their therapist, but she barely answered outside of sessions. Even their therapist was sick of their shit.

They took their makeup off and replaced it with a fresh coat, then got changed into something a bit better. A black shirt and green trousers was a little nicer, but they really didn't give much of a shit. They checked the address of the studio and their heart stopped. Why did it have to be there? Was it too late to back out? Why hadn't they checked it sooner? God, they had to worry about seeing Tony again and dealing with being in that place again. They'd been so young. Fifteen, they thought. There'd been a really good job going, and they hadn't worked with Versace before. It was around the time people started seeing them as an adult, rather than a child. It helped that they were tall. It was a walk in London Fashion Week. Their first ever walk. What if he was there? They hadn't even thought about that. They were so stupid. How had they not thought about that? 

Loki took a deep breath before they headed off. They stopped in a shop on their way and picked up a packet of cigarettes and a lighter, but despite that stop they were somehow early. They really didn't want to spend more time there than they had to. They grabbed a cigarette from the packet and lit it, and they hated the way they relaxed when they took a drag. En Dwi practically banned them from smoking, it was the only thing he really drew the line on. They hated smoking, they hated the way it looked and the way it smelled, but it wasn’t drugs. Not the ones they couldn't have, anyway. It took everything in them not to run and take whatever they could. What did they have to lose? Mobius was going to drop them any minute because they weren’t booking jobs. Tony was gone. Who else did they have? What did they have to lose? If En Dwi signed them then at least they’d get a free, almost unlimited supply of drugs. Sure, it was just a way of controlling them, but at least they got something out of it. 

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

They looked up to find Tony and Natasha walking towards them. Of course she would be there. He couldn’t be alone with them. Not after what they’d said. At least it meant that they were a lot less likely to make a fool of themself and apologise over and over and over again and beg Tony to take them back. They didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

“I try not to make a habit of it,” they replied. 

Tony raised a brow. “What? En Dwi didn’t approve of it?”

They took a longer drag. “He hates the smell. Says it’s an instant mood-killer.”

They didn’t miss the look of surprise on Tony’s face which was quickly replaced by anger. “Of course. Stupid of me to think that I was joking.”

“Tony, let’s just go inside,” Natasha said. 

Tony looked at them before they walked inside. Natasha followed behind but didn’t even look at them. Natasha had been the one to show them the most kindness when the contract started and she couldn't even look at them. It was as if they hadn’t been there. They finished their cigarette before they headed inside. It was exactly like they remembered. There was a door at the back with a sign on it for one of the directors that worked there, but they didn’t look at that door. No, that wasn’t anything worth remembering. The grey room hadn’t changed. The windows were still too small and the lights were that kind of too-bright-white that made it feel like a doctors room. It was cold. Even with the radiators on, it was cold. Everything about the room was cold. 

Loki didn't hesitate to go into one of the sectioned off parts of the room to try their outfit on. They insisted that they didn't need help, and luckily the assistants listened. They really didn't need to be touched. They couldn't. That would've been the final straw. They got changed into the outfit, and found that it fit perfectly. The corset was a little tight, sure, but it was nice. They liked the pain from it. They felt as if they deserved it after what they'd done. Tony's voice echoed through the room, complaining about how uncomfortable the outfit was. Just like they had when they were younger, in the same very room. They walked out of the section they'd been in and almost instantly there were hands on them. They were pulling the fabric in specific ways, pinning things, toying with their hair. They took a deep breath as they closed their eyes. The talking just got louder and louder and louder and it didn’t stop. They kept talking and talking and talking and they wouldn’t stop. They kept touching them and it was getting harder to breathe. The room was getting smaller and it was spinning and they just wanted to run. It was taking everything in them to not scream. Every touch felt like fire and just when one hand let go of them, another two grabbed them. It was never ending and they didn't know if they could take any more of it.

“These look good.” They knew that voice. They knew it. They opened their eyes to find an older man, almost bald but holding onto the very little grey hair he had left, eyeing them with something dark in their eyes. Shit. “Loki, it’s been a while."

They could barely nod. “Yeah. Yeah, been a while.”

“You look good. Aged very well,” he said as he stepped towards them. They tried to take a step back, but there were too many people holding them, working on their outfit. They tried to take a deep breath, but even that felt impossible. "I can't believe how much you've grown. You're looking good. How've you been? I couldn't believe it when En Dwi dropped you, I always thought you were special. Couldn't believe he'd just let you go."

You're a special one, so talented. Keep this up and you'll get all the jobs in the world, you'll see. "I've been fine, thanks."

"That's good to hear," he said with a smile. His eyes roamed their body and they almost went sick. They hated how fast their heart was beating. It was so loud they were worried that everyone could hear it. “Are you free after this? It would be good to catch up.”

How could they say no? He was one of the most influential directors in the modelling industry. They were desperate enough for jobs. Would he have them on the table again? Or had he preferred them on their knees under the table? Could they really do that again? Were they that desperate for jobs? Then again, was it the jobs they cared about, or the inevitable praise they got at the end when they'd upheld their part of the deal?

“No, they aren’t," Tony said, his tone stern. They turned to look at Tony, who seemed as surprised by his interjection as they were. 

The man’s smile dipped. “Ah. Okay. Well- these look fine. Small alterations. The makeup team have the looks, right? Great. Then this is fine, I’ll check in on Monday.”

The man left. Loki didn’t even remember his name. They remembered everything but his name. God, how stupid was that? The moment they were done, they rushed to get the outfit off. They got changed back into the clothes they’d worn in. They could hear the stylists mutter about how tired they looked, how underdressed they were. That they were losing their style. They didn’t say anything. They just got out of there as fast as they could before the tears started to fall. They couldn't cry. Not there. Not in front of everyone. They hoped that they'd gotten out before Tony. They'd text him to thank him when they got back to the hotel, but they couldn't face him after that. Their hands were shaking and they couldn't stop it. They couldn't slow their breathing - hell, they could barely breathe. 

“Who the fuck was that?” Why did Tony have to follow them? Why did he even care? “Who was he?”

“It’s nothing,” they replied as they carried on walking. 

“Loki, stop.” They hated the fact that they actually listened. That they stopped. They still didn’t look at Tony. “Where are you going?”

“To the hotel,” they replied.

“Come back to mine.” They heard Natasha interject, but Tony cut her off. “Just for a bit. Until you feel better. Please.”

Why would Tony even suggest that? It was an awful idea. When they turned around, they realised that all three of them knew that it was a bad idea. Then again, when did they ever make good decisions?

————————————

“Loki, drink.”

They’d never been to Tony’s before. It wasn’t far. Just across the road, for New York standards anyway. Natasha had insisted that she joined, but Tony shut that down. It was a nice house. Small enough to feel intimate, but still quite big. Decorated in a minimal fashion, but nowhere near as minimal as theirs. The white walls were impersonal, but the plants and vinyls everywhere added character. It added bits of Tony to the space. 

Loki took the glass of water that Tony was holding out for them with a shaky hand. The last thing they wanted was water when they felt like they were drowning. Like they were sinking with a rock tied to their leg and they had no way of getting back up. They couldn’t get the sight of that man out of their head. Hey, you’re doing so well. You’re definitely getting the job if you carry on like this, just need to- Ah- there you go- 

“Lokes?”

They flinched but tried to cover it up as fast as they could. “I’m fine.”

“Who was he?” He asked. 

They shrugged. “He’s a director. One of the best.”

“You know him.”

They shook their head. “I don’t even know his name.”

“You met him before. Did I fuck up by saying you wouldn’t meet him after?” He asked. 

“No. No, you didn't. Thank you for that.”

“Then who is he?”

They bit the inside of their cheek as their grip on the glass tightened. Why did Tony have to ask? Why couldn’t he have just dropped it? They took a deep breath. “I’ve told you as much as I know.”

“Fine. What did he do to you?” He asked. They didn’t reply. “You paled when you saw him. You- I’ve never seen you like that before. Even before he came into the room- you- are you on something?”

They put the glass on the table next to them as they got up. “Did you just bring me here to ask me if I’m high?”

“No! You’re just acting really fucking weird and I don’t get why-”

“I’m not acting weird-”

“You’re acting really fucking weird- even more so now- what’re you hiding?”

“I’m not hidi-”

“You’re hiding something! It’s really fucking obvious- what? Is he an ex or something?”

“No! Why the fuck would you ever think-”

“I’m so sorry I don’t fucking trust you-”

“What? You think I fucked him? When I was with you?”

“You were basically having an emotional affair with me when you were with Fandral-”

“That’s fucking bullshit-”

“Is it? Or are you just pissed off that I’m right?”

“You don’t know shit-”

“So what the fuck is up with that guy?”

“Nothing!”

“It’s not fucking nothing! What? Was it one of your closeted affairs?”

Tony finally stopped to let them answer. They could barely keep up with him. It was what they needed the day before when they actually wanted an argument, not then. Not when they could barely hold themself together. They just needed some quiet, something calm. Not to be berated by the person they loved, not to be questioned about someone from their childhood. God, they'd been a child when they'd met that man, hadn't they?

“Shut the fuck up," was all they could say.

“I’m onto something, aren’t I?" He asked. "What? Was he there for you when En Dwi had another favourite? Was he your rebound when you needed another person to look after you?”

“I sucked his dick in that back fucking room for a fucking job. A good fucking job.” There was finally a beat of silence. “Happy?”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Did you consent?”

They paused. “Yeah. I got a job out of it.”

“That doesn’t mean you consented.”

They rolled their eyes. “Will you fucking stop?”

“Lokes, that isn’t the way someone reacts when they see someone they just fucked.” His tone was soft. Full of pity. “How old were you?”

They shook their head. “Why does that matter?”

“Because I’m piecing shit together and I’m really hoping I’m piecing them together wrong.” He looked at them. “Did En Dwi make you sleep with people for jobs?”

They hesitated. “I did it-”

“Lokes, if you were threatened by having jobs dangled over your head, then that’s not- you’re not consenting in those situations. How old were you?”

“I don’t know. Fifteen. Maybe sixteen.”

He was quiet for a moment. “How old were you? The first time?”

They shook their head. “It doesn’t matter.”

It took him a while to reply. “Do you really think that because you said yes that it- it’s not-”

“Stop. Please. Just- stop.” They shook their head. They couldn't deal with that. Their therapist had tried talking about it, but they shut it down. Mobius and Verity had tried asking about it, having heard the rumours about En Dwi, but they couldn't talk about it. They couldn't let anyone talk them out of the carefully crafted lie that En Dwi had built for them. “It’s not- I said yes. I was in control. I could’ve- I could’ve stopped it whenever I wanted. But I didn’t. It was all me.”

They looked away from Tony. He was just looking at them, his eyes brimming with tears. They couldn’t look at him without their own tears falling. “Loki- no.”

That was all it took. It took just those words for the dam to break. Everything they’d pushed away, everything they’d told themself- gone. Tony was right. Of course he was. Loki just didn’t want to believe it. They hadn’t let themself believe it. Not after En Dwi’s reaction the last time they said that they hadn’t wanted it. The last time they said no. It was okay because they were getting a job out of it. They were young. They didn’t know any better. They did what they had to to survive, to get through life day by day. Sure, it had stopped, but it didn’t make it any easier. They didn’t think they’d ever cried as hard as they had then. Kneeling on the floor in Tony’s house, the tears kept coming. They didn’t even feel ashamed. No, it was just sadness, anger and numbness. It was like everything they’d tried to ignore for thirteen years had hit them like a bus. 

They felt Tony’s arms wrap around them from the side. Warm, tight. He didn’t say anything. Then again, Loki didn’t think that they’d have noticed if he had. The tears kept coming. In the back of their mind, they knew that Tony was right. Hell, they’d known it all along. They just didn’t let themself think about it. They didn’t let themself acknowledge it because then it would have been real, and living in the belief that they had consented, that it was all okay, was easier. It was easier to live in the lie that En Dwi has created than to admit the truth. 

Tony was still there when they calmed down enough to be able to breathe properly again. He was by their side, despite what had happened, what they’d done, holding them through everything. It solidified what they already knew - he was too good for them. When had that ever stopped them before? 

Loki quickly wiped their eyes as they pulled out of Tony’s embrace. “I’m sorry. I- I don’t know where that came from. I should go.”

“You shouldn’t be alone right now, Lokes,” Tony said. “You can stay here.”

They shook their head. “I need to go.”

There was a pause. “Is this about what you said?” They didn’t answer. They just grabbed their phone from the sofa. “Can we just talk about it?”

They raised a brow. “What’s there to talk about?”

“Where the fuck did it come from? I mean- it literally came out of nowhere,” he said. “And it really fucking hurt.”

They paused. “As you said, I'm everything that people say I am."

“That’s bullshit and we both know it.” He sighed. “Loki, to be completely fucking honest- I just rained on your parade and made you realise that you’ve been raped for fucking years, and I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone right now. Especially after our argument. So- just stay, we’ll clear the air later, just- I really don’t want you to be alone right now. Let’s just put a movie on and order a takeaway or something.”

That was one of the worst things that Tony could’ve suggested. The last thing Loki wanted to do was spend time with Tony and eat. They just wanted to curl up in bed and never get out again. Despite that, they nodded. Every fibre of their being was screaming out for Tony, to be held, to be protected. Tony was like a safety blanket. They were safe with him, they knew that. Why did they have to ruin everything? They didn’t relax when Tony put a movie on. They couldn’t. They just sat on the sofa, as far away from Tony as possible, and stared at the wall opposite them. They barely noticed the TV playing Big Hero 6. They didn’t care. Everything was falling apart and they were completely powerless to stop it.