What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?
The silence between them was suffocating. Neither of them spoke. They barely moved. It was as if one wrong move would tear the illusion of peace down, and there’d be another fight to contend with. Loki tried to avoid that. They didn’t think that they’d have handled another fight. Another argument. Another testament to how badly they’d fucked up. They checked their phone after having it turned off for hours, only to find numerous texts from Mobius and Verity. They checked Verity’s texts first, knowing that she would be straight to the point.
You know how bad this looks, what’s going on?
She sent a screenshot of a headline reading Trouble in paradise? Loki Laufeyson ditched by Tony Stark. Is this the beginning of the end?
Then another one.
Loki Laufeyson spotted with Carol Danvers amid rumours of them trying to find new management - could they be Danvers’ first client?
And another one.
Loki Laufeyson spotted in last nights clothes as they head to New York. Is this confirmation that their whirlwind romance with Tony Stark is through?
Then a text.
You need to get your shit together, Lokes. Ring me when you get a chance. I hope you’re okay x
Then there were a couple from Mobius.
You know better than this. Clean up your act.
Whatever’s happened with Tony, fix it. You’re not getting out of that contract that easy.
I’ll see you 3pm Wednesday in my office.
Fuck. That wasn’t good. Why did Mobius want to see them? To finally drop them? He couldn’t. The whole world thought that Loki was finally getting somewhere. Getting Cabaret just proved that they were at the height of their career. Going to the Met Gala, walking fashion weeks, hell, closing a fashion week, they were doing great. Sure, they weren’t booking jobs, but that was okay. En Dwi would give up eventually. It would be fine.
“What’s up?” Tony asked.
They shrugged. “Just Mobius and Verity.”
“Oh.” He was quiet for a moment. “The other day- you’re not going to tell me what it was so I just need to tell you what I think it was, right?” He didn’t leave room for them to reply. “Self sabotage. You got scared that I said that I love you, you pushed me away- in a really fucking hurtful way, might I add- and you had to get rid of me. You just did it in a really shit way.” They didn’t reply. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
They were quiet for a moment. “Nothing excuses what I said. It doesn’t matter why I did it, I did it and that’s the problem.”
“I’m glad that you see that, and I really appreciate the fact that you know what the problem is, but we can work through it together,” he said.
They shook their head. “You should never forgive me for what I said. I was horrible.”
“You were, and I don’t forgive you, not yet- but I will,” he replied. “I just wanted the confirmation on why you did it.”
They looked down at their lap. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t- I don’t know why I did it. I just- in the moment it felt like the only thing I could do- I just- I was scared and I needed to be able to control something- and I’m so fucking sorry. I fucking- I hate what I said. None of it’s true. You’re a fantastic person and Pepper was such a fucking idiot for leaving you. You’re the best person I know and- I don’t know why I ever said what I did. I fucked up and I’m so sorry- I’m so, so fucking sorry, Tony.”
There was silence between them for longer than was comfortable. “I appreciate that, Lokes. I do. I just- I need an open line of communication. I need you to tell me when you feel like that. I can’t- I can’t get hurt because you need control or because you’re scared. I need you to talk to me about these things.”
They nodded. “I know.”
“If we try this again with that communication, then let’s go slow,” he said. “But I need you to talk to me.”
They were quiet for a moment. “Yeah. Okay.”
“I’m really hurt by what you said, but I understand where it came from. I just wish it hadn’t gotten to that point.” He took a deep breath. “And I’m sorry that you went to the Gala alone. I know how much that meant to you and- I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry about today. I didn’t- I didn’t mean to push that far. I just- I’m sorry.”
They shook their head. “I’m sorry about what I said. It just- I felt out of control and I lashed out and I’m so sorry. And- don’t apologise about the Gala. It’s fine. Shit happens. Today- I think- I just don’t want to think about that right now. I just- I need to do something.”
Tony nodded. “Okay. How about we go out?”
“Where to?” They asked.
He thought for a moment. “Why don’t we go for a walk?”
The last thing Loki wanted to do was go out in public, but it was better than sitting down and doing nothing. They followed Tony around the streets of Manhattan. They didn’t know if they were going anywhere in particular, but they didn’t really care enough to ask. They walked in silence for the most part, with Tony speaking up to say what something was or if the place had a sentimental meaning to him. He stopped in front of an old warehouse that looked one gust of wind away from falling down.
“This is where we started the band,” he said. “I was sixteen. Didn’t really know what I was doing, but I was so excited to just- be a part of something. Something bigger than me, I guess. Dad wanted me to be a lawyer, but when he died- we ended up getting signed really soon after that. Shit timing, but- yeah.”
They frowned. “I’m sorry. That must’ve been hard to balance.”
“Yeah. I mean- it’s where the alcohol came in. My dad was an alcoholic and- I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. They were there for me, though. Nat, Clint and Steve. Even though Steve was incredibly pissed off with me, he was still there. Just before the last time I went to rehab, he sat me down and we talked through the entire night. Told me I needed to get my shit together because he didn’t want to lose me. He didn’t want me to be another tragedy of a star dying too early. Said that I could do some good if I put my mind to it, I just needed to try. So I did. I tried. A lot. And fucked up a lot, but I tried a lot too. Even when he gets pissed off with me, I know it’s because he cares.” He shrugged. “We did a concert here just before it was condemned. It’s my favourite gig we’ve done.”
The way Tony’s face lit up talking about the concert warmed Loki’s heart. He looked so hopeful, so beyond happy with how far he’d gotten. From that warehouse to selling out arenas all across the world. They itched to grab hold of his hand, but held themself back. It was one of the boundaries Tony had set right at the beginning, and considering their relationship was barely holding on by a thread, Loki didn’t want to push it. They didn’t deserve the trust Tony put in them to go beyond that boundary like they had been for the duration of their relationship. They were back to square one. They needed to prove that they were worthy of Tony, of his love and his trust. They weren’t, but they could at least try.
“It’s good that you have them. Even Steve. I’m glad that you’ve got someone you actually listen to.” They teased. “That’s a rarity in itself.”
He chuckled. “I’m getting better. The list of people I listen to is growing.”
For some reason, Loki doubted that. “That’s good.”
“We’d meet in here as a band- well- four friends who were going through a fucking wild time. We’d break in with some food and we’d just- be friends. Four normal people who were just friends- co-workers, maybe. We’d just be the normal people we were back in school.” He smiled a little. “It’s nice to pretend, sometimes.”
“What was it like?” They asked. “Being normal?”
He shrugged. “Boring, I guess. Like- we’d just go to classes. Study. Hang out after school. Go to the mall on weekends, go to the cinema, sneak out to parties. Boring, but it was something I took advantage of. Like- having privacy.”
Loki had always wondered what their life would have been like had they not been adopted by Odin and Frigga. Would they have gone to school? Made friends? What would they be doing? An office job, or would they have still found their way to fame? Was there even a point in pondering?
“That sounds like fun,” they replied quietly.
He nodded. “It was. I didn’t realise how different things would get. I just wanted to make music.”
“You’re doing so much more than making music,” they said. “You’re helping people. Inspiring them.”
He smiled a little. “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know. I’m not ungrateful, but sometimes I miss just being a normal person.”
“You’re not being ungrateful by missing that. It’s a hard adjustment to make.” They shrugged. “It’s okay to think about what you lost.”
He nodded. “I guess.”
“You lost a lot to do this job. You’ve been through a lot because of it.” They smiled a little. “You should be proud of yourself.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You’re right. Wait- where’s this energy when it comes to yourself?”
They chuckled. “I’m a huge hypocrite, in case you hadn’t noticed already.”
He shook his head. “If you took your own advice then you’d be sorted.”
“Probably, but I’m anything but sensible.” They grinned. “I’m working on it.”
“I know, and I’m proud of you for that,” he replied. “You’ve come so far, even just in the few months we’ve known each other, and I’m so proud of you for that.”
They looked away from Tony. “Thanks.”
“For a model, you’re shit at taking compliments.”
“I’m used to superficial ones, or ones just about my looks,” they said. “So if we could keep it to those then that would be great.”
He snorted. “Please, I’m not inflating that ego any more than I already have. You’re like a god and you know that, so let me compliment your personality instead.”
“Like you’re not the same.”
“I guess we’re both hypocrites then.” He shrugged. “I’m going to keep reminding you, though. I’m really fucking proud of you. Beyond that. You’re the strongest person I know and I’m so grateful to have you in my life.”
Loki wasn’t sure how they kept it together. How they managed to stop the tears from falling, they had no clue. Only two people had told them that they were proud of them before, and those were Frigga and En Dwi. Frigga said it all the time, even if it was over something small like Loki being on an advert on the fifth page of a magazine. En Dwi said it whenever they accomplished something big, like a front cover or leading a campaign, or when they booked the biggest walks. It was rare, but occasionally he said it. They still couldn’t believe that En Dwi had said it less than a day before.
Hearing it from Tony was different. Sure, hearing it from En Dwi after so many years of not hearing from him was emotional. After spending their entire childhood practically battling for En Dwi’s attention and pride, they finally had it. Maybe it was inconvenient timing, but hey, who were they to complain? Tony was different. To come from someone who was so grounded, so kind, so caring - someone who just accepted who they were and was patient with them every step of the way. Someone who helped them figure out the best version of themself, someone who didn’t leave when he found out what exactly had happened when Loki had been signed with En Dwi, and instead of being disgusted he just held them as they cried. Someone so forgiving, even when he didn’t have to be. To hear that they’d made Tony proud was one of the best feelings in the world, and they were desperate to hear it again.
“I love you,” they said quietly.
“Should I be worried about what’s going to happen now that you’ve said it?” He asked with a teasing grin.
They groaned. “Well that’s the last time I try to be open about my emotions.”
He chuckled. “Sorry- I couldn’t help it. I love you too. Like- seriously. But if you start another fight or pull away again I’ll take away all your fucking vitamins.”
They rolled their eyes. “I don’t get what you have against all my vitamins.”
“You take at least fifteen a day. I’ve counted. You’re going to start rattling any day now.” He gently grabbed their hand. “That being said, I love you. I love you so, so much, Lokes, even if you start rattling.”
They snorted. “You have such a way with words.”
“Comes with the job.”
They rolled their eyes. “I love you too."