St*rfucker

Avoiding Tony was hard. It was easier when they had a two show day, but otherwise they were around Tony quite a bit. They only had a handful of shoots, but they didn’t take long. The longer they were with Tony, the sooner he would realise that they weren’t worth his time. Everyone left, what were the odds that Tony would be any different? Tony was great, he was so brilliant in every single way, but everyone left eventually. Odin and Thor abandoned them, En Dwi left, Fandral left- everyone left eventually. Why would Tony be different?

Tony would soon see that they were too clingy, too unpredictable, too much. He'd soon realise that he could do better, he could find someone who was prettier, who was more relevant, who could do more for him. Someone who deserved him. Someone good, someone kind. Not them. Not Loki. They'd hurt far too many people to get where they were, and what would Tony do when he found out? Loki wasn't stupid. There were people who held a grudge against them for what they'd done, and sure, they could blame En Dwi, but they still did it. They still hurt people. They lied to get jobs, they did whatever they could to be the best, and they didn't care about anyone around them. Not while En Dwi was cheering them on and the world seemed to love them for it. Tony would soon realise that Loki wasn't the person they pretended to be. They wanted to be, but they were a mess. They were an absolute fucking mess, barely hanging on, and yeah, a part of them would probably still do whatever it took to get back to where they'd been before everything went to shit. Tony didn't deserve that. He deserved so much better.

“What’re you wearing tonight?” 

They looked up from their laptop when they heard Tony. He walked out of the ensuite with a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair still damp from the shower. God, Tony was like a god. Despite how small he looked, he had one of the most defined six-packs they’d seen on someone that wasn’t a model. Then again, Tony did say a while back that he went to the gym whenever he wanted to drink. He tried to encourage Loki to do the same, but the gym didn’t sound hugely appealing to them. Too many people, too many stares. Tony kept assuring them that no one paid any attention to anyone else at the gym, but they still didn't like the idea.

Loki pointed at the outfit that was hanging on the door to the walk-in-wardrobe. “That, I think.”

It was a black waistcoat with black trousers and a black underbust corset with lace detailing. They paired it with forest green boots with a slight heel, but they weren’t convinced on the outfit. It showed off a bit of their arms. They'd put on weight. Their doctor said that they were approaching a healthy weight, but that didn't really reassure them. Their bones weren't too visible anymore, and Tony kept saying that he still found them beautiful, but they weren't convinced. They'd guessed that Tony knew that, because he stopped suggesting they go out for food and kept making their safe foods. He kept complimenting them, kept saying that they were pretty, that they were beautiful, reassured them when their clothes started to get a little tight. He was being perfect, and it made the thought of losing him even harder. They waited as Tony looked at the outfit, expecting a Fandral-like response of sheer amusement at the thought of Loki wearing an outfit that showed that much of their body, but Tony wasn't Fandral. They didn't know why they kept expecting Tony to ever say anything like that.

“Loki, you’re going to be the death of me,” he said as he eyed the outfit. “My fucking god.”

They chuckled a little as they turned back to their laptop, trying to hide their ever-growing unease. “What’re you thinking?”

“I honestly don’t know,” he replied. “I mean- what do you wear to these things?”

“Smart casual.” They shrugged. “Something nice.”

He raised a brow. “What does that mean?”

They closed their laptop. “Is this a hint that you want me to help you with your outfit?”

He nodded. “Please.”

They headed over to Tony’s part of the wardrobe. He complained about it when he first unpacked his things. He didn’t quite understand why Loki had such a big wardrobe until he looked in there and saw just how full it was. Then he said that Loki needed a bigger room dedicated to their clothes. Tony definitely had a much different style to them. He didn’t really like smart casual, either, it seemed. They looked through everything, absolutely everything before they found something that seemed like it would work. They grabbed a pair of black trousers that had chains attached to the belt loops and a black jacket before they went over to their side of the wardrobe and grabbed a black shirt with small, white stripes patterning it. They handed the outfit to Tony. 

“How’s this?” They asked. 

He looked through the clothes. “Thank you.”

“There’ll be cameras, but it shouldn’t be too bad,” they said. “We can leave at any point.”

“I think it’ll be a good night, with all the theatre people and all.” He shrugged. “When do we leave for the Met?”

“Saturday,” they replied. “I need to be back here on Tuesday.”

“Do you mind if I come back with you?” He asked. 

They weren’t expecting that. Why would Tony want to come back with them? Wouldn't he want to get away from them as fast as he could? “‘Course.”

He paused. “Are you sure about that?”

They raised a brow. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because you’re acting weird as fuck,” he replied. “What’s going on?”

Of course Tony would notice. He always noticed Loki's moods, whenever they were a little upset, anxious, on the verge of a full-on breakdown, Tony always somehow knew. Of course he'd know that they were fucking terrified. It took everything in them to not tell Tony to leave. To chase him away before he had the chance to leave on his own accord. At least if they could control it then it would hurt less. If Tony left, Loki didn't know what they'd do. It was best if they stopped whatever was going on between them before it got too far.

“Nothing," they said quietly, trying to focus on the email in front of them. They couldn't hurt Tony. They couldn't do it.

“Was it what I said?” They didn’t reply. They didn’t really know how to. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“It wasn’t what you said,” they said, wanting the entire conversation to be over. “Can we just drop it?”

He shook his head. “Did I do something wrong?” His voice was so quiet, so unsure, and it broke Loki's heart. How could Tony think that he could ever do something wrong? He was perfect. He was so fucking perfect that it hurt.

“Tony, it’s really not importa-”

“It’s important to me,” he replied. “Communication, Lokes. Please.”

They took a deep breath and counted to ten in their head. They only started seeing a therapist to make Tony happy, but it turned out to be actually useful. Once they felt as if they had a bit of control over their frustration, they spoke. “You didn’t do anything wrong."

“Are you sure?”

“Oh my god, Tony, not everything’s about you." There went the very loose control they thought they had. "I can have problems in my life that don’t involve you. Have you ever thought about that? Or are you so focused on yourself that you can’t see the bigger picture?” They looked at Tony, whose eyes were starting to brim with tears. Shit. He didn’t reply, he just looked at them, as if he didn’t know what to say. Well, there was no redeeming themself from that. They'd completely fucked it, so why stop? At least then Tony would leave on their terms. “You ask for communication, here you fucking go. You're fucking smothering me- does there have the be anything wrong?"

Tony shook his head. “You’re deflecting.”

“Ever the fucking therapist. You act like you’re so put together- like you’re absolutely fucking perfect and the rest of us will never be as good as you. No, you love fixing things, don’t you? Fixing people? I’m just your little project until you get bored. Or am I fucked up enough to deal with your shit? The washed up model with so many fucking problems, but you like that, don't you? So much for you to fix, so much to prove that you're better. That you- you're fucking perfect and you've got your fucking addiction under control, you don't have a panic attack at the thought of eating- you're not scared of people and touch and you're in a number-one fucking band. Yeah, I'm fucked up enough to make you feel so much better about yourself. God knows Pepper wasn’t.”

“Loki, stop.”

“You think you know what’s best for everyone. You think you can just make decisions for people, because you know what’s best. Honestly, your saviour complex is tiring. You’re just as fucked up as the rest of us. Maybe that’s why Pepper left. She saw straight through your bullshit. You need someone that makes you feel better than everyone else, that proves you're a good person, that shows that you do some fucking charity work by taking someone on their fucking knees under your wing. You’re a lot, Tony, even if you don’t want to admit it. Pepper’s just the only one of us with the sense to actually fucking leave."

Loki expected screaming, or maybe a slap. It was how everyone else had reacted before. Not silence. When they finally looked at Tony again, he had tears streaming down his face. Fuck. Why couldn’t he have just screamed at them? Hurt them back? God knows that they deserved it. Why didn't he react with some semblance of fucking anger? Leave because he was angry, not because he was upset? At least it was Tony that was hurting, and not them. Then again, seeing Tony’s tears- they were hurting. Probably more than they’d have hurt if Tony left without them interfering. At least that way they knew that there was no hope of getting Tony back. At least he wouldn’t be there to see what would happen if they did end up signing back to En Dwi. He was safe. Why did it have to hurt so much?

“You’re exactly what people say you are. I’m so fucking blind.” Tony chuckled bitterly as he walked out. 

They didn’t really know what was going on. It felt as if they were watching from afar, like they were surrounded by static and they couldn’t stop Tony from leaving. You’re exactly what people say you are. They knew exactly what people said about them. That they were vicious. Selfish. Mean. Like a snake, a viper, waiting to strike. They’d made that image for themself. They learned what they could about people, then used that against them to hurt them. It was exactly what they’d done to Tony so that he’d leave on their terms. So that he didn’t leave when Loki needed him the most. Then the surprise hit them. Tony knew. Tony knew what they'd done, what they were like when they were with En Dwi, and he was still there. He chose to like them despite that. They were such a fucking idiot. 

They didn’t know when they threw their phone at the wall. Or their glass. Or their book. They didn’t know when they started crying. Or when they ended up on their knees, on the floor. Their chest ached with how much they sobbed. They were an idiot. Tony knew everything about them, apparently, but he still liked them. They pushed him away, and for what? Because they couldn't have anything good in their life? They didn't deserve it, and what they'd done to Tony just proved it. They didn't deserve him, and they didn't deserve any of the good that they had in their life.

Loki didn’t know how long they were there for, but when they finally moved, they realised that they really didn’t want to go. They didn’t want to go to work, they didn’t want to perform, and they didn’t want to socialise with a bunch of people that really didn’t want them anywhere near a stage. They didn’t want to be around people that already detested them because they’d been told Odin’s and Thor’s sides of the story. Not theirs. Never theirs. They only knew that they were an ungrateful brat who used them for fame and left the moment they had it. That Odin and Frigga adopted them out of the kindness of their hearts and only ever did the best for them. That they were so ungrateful that they didn't even go to her fucking funeral. Yeah, apparently that made people dislike them.

They got dressed into something okay-enough to be seen outside in and ignored Tony’s outfit that had been thrown onto the bed. Would he come back to get ready to go? Would he even go? Why would he? The thought of doing the Gala on their own was enough to send a photo frame flying against the wall. They'd really fucked up. They couldn't do it on their own. They needed Tony. Why did they think that making Tony leave was a good idea? They took a deep breath and wiped the tears from their cheeks - there was no point in putting makeup on, it seemed. They just had to hope that they didn't get seen on their way to the theatre. They packed their outfit and their makeup into their bag and headed off. Why didn’t they feel better? They didn’t have to worry about Tony leaving. He’d left. Why didn’t that help? Why didn’t it solve all of their problems? Why did it only make them feel worse? Why did being alone hurt so much more than the fear of disappointing Tony?

“You look like shit,” Brunnhilde said when they walked onto stage for warm up. At least they could always trust her to be honest. “Trouble in paradise?”

Loki shrugged. “Nothing big.”

“Well- at least you’ve got the weekend off,” she replied. “And tonight’s going to be good. I can’t wait to meet Tony. Carol’s excited to meet you too. She keeps saying she doesn’t know how you two haven’t crossed paths yet.”

“Tony’s not coming.” They didn’t look at her when they said that. “I’ve heard a lot about Carol. She seems nice.”

There was a pause. “Why isn’t he coming?”

Because they fucked everything up and couldn’t keep a single good thing in their life. “Something happened with the album.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Pity. There it was. “It’s still going to be a good night though.”

“Yeah.” They really didn’t think so, but when did what they thought ever matter?

They didn’t say much after that. They were polite to everyone, but they just scurried off to their dressing room as fast as they could. They slumped down in the chair and checked their phone to see if Tony had reached out. He hadn’t, but they hadn’t really expected him to have. They thought about texting him, but that was probably the last thing he wanted. They had a text from Verity that they were half tempted to ignore, but she could easily break into their house so that was motivation enough to reply. 

Why is Tony in New York?

What? He’d actually left? They put their phone down on the table as they sat back in their chair. Why did it take them by surprise? They’d pushed Tony away. They’d said some horrific stuff, and they were surprised that Tony had left? They wiped away the tears that fell and started to get ready. The moment they stepped on stage, it was easier to push the outside world away. They could pretend that nothing was wrong. Maybe their tears in I Don’t Care Much were real, but nobody needed to know that. All they knew was that they didn’t do a great job in the show, not that they ever did, and that they were going to go back to an empty house that night. 

They got ready for the gala, but it was mainly autopilot. They did their makeup in their usual way, got dressed, then headed out. They had their photo taken on the red carpet, took some photos with Brunnhilde, and then went straight to the bar. They were going to make the most of being able to drink. They had absolutely no plans of remembering their night, and hey, if they happened to stumble across a dealer on their way back home, that wouldn't have been such a bad thing.

“Loki!”

They downed the drink then ordered another one when they heard that voice. 

“Loki,” Thor said with a smile once he reached them. “It’s so good to see you.”

Loki smiled politely as they grabbed another drink. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here.”

“I’m at most theatre events in the area,” he replied. “I wasn’t expecting you to ever go back into theatre.”

“Yeah, that makes both of us.” They really should've thought that through more. Of course Thor would be there. “I’ll see you around.”

“Wait.” He grabbed their wrist when they tried to walk away. They froze in place, staring right at Thor. He hadn’t changed. Not really. Sure, he’d cut his hair, but he was the exact same Thor. He didn’t think. He didn’t care about what they needed. He just did what he wanted. “We really should talk.”

“No, we shouldn’t,” they replied. “I’m perfectly content in my life without you in it.”

He frowned. "You don't mean that, right?"

"When I needed you the most, you weren't there," they said. They impressed themself with how calm their voice was. "Thor, I don't know why you suddenly think I'm worth talking to, but I'm not interested."

"Mother wouldn't have wanted this for us."

They didn’t know what to do. They were still for a bit before they pulled their wrist out of Thor’s grasp. “You should’ve thought about that before you decided to abandon me when I came out." They walked away. They drank the rest of their drink before they grabbed another chute of champagne. God, they just needed to drink. They headed towards the entrance but Brunnhilde stopped them in their tracks. 

“Hey! You’re not leaving, right?” She asked. 

They shook their head. “I just need a smoke.”

She grinned. “Great. Let’s head out.”

They followed Brunnhilde out, who had a woman in her arms - probably Carol. They’d heard a lot about Carol. She was one of the most famous models in the industry, but she was very famous for not taking any shit. They’d done some of the same events, but they’d never met her. She’d left En Dwi’s company in a messy way, and he’d never let them even get close to her for that reason. He didn’t want them to get any ideas. Ever since then, they hadn’t done much work that Carol would’ve been involved in. 

“It’s good to finally meet you, Loki,” Carol said when they were outside. Brunnhilde passed cigarettes and a lighter around and they all took turns lighting their cigarettes. “En Dwi did a good job keeping you away from me.”

They chuckled. “He did his best.”

“How’re you doing?” She asked. 

They shrugged. “Good. How’re you?”

“Good, but I’m not the one with En Dwi trying to get his claws on me again,” she replied. “He’s dead set on getting you back.”

“I know.” Hearing the confirmation didn’t make it any easier. “I’m holding off.”

“I’m setting up my own management,” she said. “If you want in, or even if you want to work with me on this- I want to make the industry safer, and I know you do too. Even if it’s just working with your charity, I’d love to do that.”

They paused. “How’d you know about that?”

“I have my ways,” she replied with a grin. “Think about it. I’d love to have you involved.”

“Thank you,” they replied. 

Brunnhilde took a long drag of her cigarette. “I saw you talking to Thor.”

They chuckled bitterly. “Yeah. He doesn’t seem to get the message.”

“I’ll talk to him, tell him to stop,” she said. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

They nodded. “I’m okay, don’t worry. Just have a really early flight to catch.”

Carol chuckled. “Oh, the Met Gala. You’ll have fun once you’re there.”

“Why don’t you go anymore?” They asked. Carol hadn’t been to one in years. 

“Are you kidding me? People being really fucking fake to get more followers or just to climb up the social ladder? I’m so good.” She chuckled. “I can’t be assed for that anymore. I’m quite happy doing my own thing.”

They chuckled quietly. “Yeah, I don’t know what to expect.”

“It’ll be good. It’s definitely solidifying you and Tony as one of those it couples.” She smiled a little. “Shame I couldn’t meet him.”

They nodded. “He had to go back to New York. I’m meeting him there.”

Brunnhilde raised a brow. “Okay. But if you need anything, I’m here, okay?”

They smiled a little. “Thank you.”

Carol put her cigarette out on the wall next to them. “I’m heading back in. You coming back, Loki?”

They shook their head. “I need to head back."

“Okay. It was nice meeting you. I’ll see you around.” She smiled a little before she headed in. 

Brunnhilde looked at Loki. “She’s full of it, but she’s not wrong. I’ll send you her number. Just- do what’s best for you. I’ll see you Tuesday.”

Loki watched as they both headed inside. They both seemed so happy, holding hands, laughing with each other. They’d lost that with Tony. It was for the best. He’d have left at some point anyway, it just meant that it was sooner rather than later. They knew that it was inevitable after Tony said those words. I love you. It just wasn’t true. No one loved Loki. No one. They knew that it had been a lie the moment those words left Tony’s mouth. It had been to good to be true. They were alone again, and it just seemed like it was going to be that way forever. 

They walked back. They needed the air. It was only an hour, so it wasn’t an awful walk. Loki just needed some air. They checked their phone, finding nothing from Tony. They’d gone a bit too far, hadn’t they? At least he had friends to go to. He wouldn’t be alone. They had a few more texts from Verity, and one from Natasha. They ignored the ones from Verity, like they normally did, and checked the one that Natasha had sent them.

I don’t know what your problem is, but what you did isn’t okay. If you’ve relapsed, be honest about it instead of lashing out at Tony. 

Why did everyone think that whenever they did something vaguely wrong that they’d relapsed? Did they have such little faith in them? They opened the text thread from Verity, mainly finding questions about what happened for Tony to go back to New York, and why they went to the gala alone. They didn’t answer. They didn’t reply to Natasha either. 

Loki grabbed another bottle of gin from a shop they passed before they finally made it back to the house. They opened the bottle as they headed to the living room, and made themself comfortable on the floor, their back against the sofa. Had they made a mistake? They needed Tony. They needed him more than they ever wanted to admit, but he was better without them. He didn’t need them dragging him down. Tony had seemed so hurt. God, all he wanted was some communication but Loki just pushed him away. Why? So that they didn’t get hurt first? They were so stupid. Why did they do that? They’d never get Tony back. Why would he forgive them? Especially for such a stupid reason? I hurt you because I was scared that you’d hurt me and I wanted you to leave on my terms. They were such a fucking idiot. 

Then there was Thor. Why did Thor think that he could waltz into their life and that they'd forgive him? Sure, they wanted to, but they at least had enough self respect to not do that. Not just yet, anyway. Their phone kept lighting up with notifications from various social media platforms, mainly about the gala. Photos had already been released. God, they looked awful. Why did they decide on that outfit? Not even the corset helped. Maybe Fandral was right after all. There were quite a few comments asking where Tony was and why he'd flown out to New York that morning, but mainly it was just people commenting on the show or the cast change. Then they got another text. They took quite a big gulp of gin before they opened the message. 

Looking great, Lo-Lo. Can’t wait to see the show. Really proud of you - EDG xx

En Dwi was proud of them. Finally. They fell asleep with the bottle of gin still in their grip, and their phone was right next to them. Despite everything, they were content. En Dwi was finally proud of them, and that was good enough for them.