St*rfucker

The thought of saying goodbye to Tony was torture, and it hadn’t even happened yet. Loki sat at the counter with their cup of coffee, staring off into the unknown. What if they couldn’t do long distance? What if Tony realised that they were just a convenient fling while he was in the area? What if he realised that they were too much?

Loki had never really said goodbye to anyone. Not really. They weren’t there when Frigga died. Odin had thrown them out quite impulsively, and Thor hadn't even had the guts to talk to them in person. It was just an interview he gave to a fucking magazine. En Dwi just text them saying that he was ending their contract early. Fandral didn’t even have the guts to say that he hated them. Why did their first goodbye have to be to Tony?

They stared at their phone, the email that had been plaguing them still staring right back at them. They weren’t going to see Tony for months because he was recording an album and they had a job they weren’t even sure they wanted. 

Willkommen, Bienvenue and Welcome! We’re excited to meet you when rehearsals start - please see attached the script and all the details you need. 

Loki was really going to go back to acting. That was the one thing En Dwi could never give them. An acting job. Even though Odin basically disowned them, he still had enough sway over En Dwi to ensure the fact that Loki would never work in acting again. By the time they signed with Mobius, they didn’t even think it was a possibility. Who would even think about them as an actor? Let alone one good enough for a West End show? Cabaret? Their dream role. Were they good enough for it?

“I bring coffee and breakfast shit.”

They looked up to find Verity holding a bag full of things from Caffe Nero and a coffee tray in hand with three drinks. They smiled a little as they turned their phone off and set it down on the counter. 

“Have I ever told you that you’re my favourite agent?” They asked with a grin. 

She chuckled. “Yeah, absolutely. Why didn’t you open the door?”

“I didn’t hear it. Sorry.” They took the cup that Verity handed them, and gasped when they saw the panini Verity had gotten them. “I really fucking love you.”

“Who the fuck bangs the door like that at fucking- whatever time it is?” Tony grumbled as he walked into the room, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Is that coffee?”

Verity smiled as she handed Tony a cup of coffee and a panini. “I guessed what you’d like.” 

“You’re my favourite human to ever exist,” Tony replied. “Sorry, Lokes.”

“Anyway! I spoke to Mobius about En Dwi,” Verity said as she sat down opposite them. “Apparently he does this a lot to people.”

They nodded. “I could’ve told you that.”

“Do you know how to stop him?” She asked. 

They shook their head. “People either give in or they stop working.”

“But you got Cabaret,” Tony said. 

“Because he never expected me to go back into acting,” they replied. 

Verity thought as she picked at her sandwich. “Why now? He’s trying everything to get you back- he’s blocking jobs, he signed Fandral when you two were together- it’s- he’s trying .”

Did it really matter? God, why did anyone care? Who cared? It was their problem. They’d stop getting booked - Cabaret would probably be their last ever job unless they signed back with En Dwi, and that would probably never happen. Probably. It was either it for them or they’d go back to that life. They’d lose Verity and Mobius, maybe even Tony. Would it be easier to just stop? After all the work they’d put into rebuilding their career, they’d have to give it all up. Why was it all so unfair?

“You’ve done the hard work of getting Loki’s reputation back together. Now he can come back into the scene,” Tony said. “He wasn’t expecting Loki to have a comeback. Now that they have and it’s quite a fucking good one, he wants them back.”

They didn’t even listen to Verity’s reply. They pulled their phone out and opened the chat they had with their therapist. They weren’t meant to have an appointment for another week, but something was telling them that they probably needed one sooner. Was that responsible adulting? Who’d have thought. 

“Lokes, it would be great to have you in this conversation,” Verity said. 

They put their phone down. “It looked to me like you two were incredibly happy to talk about this without my input.”

“You haven’t shared your input,” she replied. 

They rolled their eyes. “What do you want me to say, Verity? That there’s no winning in this situation and maybe it’s better we just call it quits now?”

“Lokes, love the pessimism but maybe let’s try for optimism right now,” Tony said. “Hypothetically- if he’s stopped modelling jobs and assuming he’ll start to stop acting jobs once Cabaret’s announced, what about music?”

Absolutely fucking not. “No.”

Verity turned to Tony. “You have an idea?”

“They’ve written a couple songs for our new album. None of us would say no if you wanted to come on tour or something.” He shrugged. “It would be fun.”

They shook their head. “I’m not a musician. I don’t mind writing songs, but that’s my limit. I appreciate it- but no. That’s not- that’s not me.”

“But it could buy us time,” Verity said. “Okay. I’ll try to see what I can pull together- they might be smaller shoots but I’ll try my best.”

“I’ve never said I don’t want smaller shoots. Indie brands would be great.” They huffed. “Is that it?”

Verity smiled sadly. “We’ll sort this, Lokes. He won’t win this one.”

They forced a small smile but didn’t say anything else about it. They couldn’t be as hopeful as she was. They’d seen first hand what En Dwi could do, and they knew that they weren’t going to get out of it unscathed. He’d win, it was just a matter of time. They didn’t want to drag it out longer than they had to, but what choice did they have?

“I’m sorry for suggesting that,” Tony said once Verity was gone. “I didn’t- I didn’t realise that she’d run with it.”

They shook their head. “She’s desperate. She’ll take anything right now.”

“Are you okay?” He asked. 

They shrugged. “I’ve got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow.”

“Will you be okay until then?” He asked. They just nodded. They didn’t really have a choice. “I’m going to miss you.”

They smiled a little. “I’ll miss you too. When’re you back?”

“As soon as I can. Hopefully before the Met.” He was quiet for a moment. “I don’t want to go.”

“What happened to ‘let’s see how we do when we’re apart’?”

“Last night me obviously had a lot more self control than right now me does.” He sighed. “Hypothetically- who would move in with who?”

They chuckled. “It’s been a day.”

“And I like plans.” He grinned. “I wouldn’t mind moving here.”

“You’re only saying that so you can have Greggs more often,” they said. 

“Yeah, basically.” He smiled. “The moment we’re done with the album, I’ll come back. I promise.”

They nodded slowly. “I know.”

“Call me if you need anything, okay? No matter what. Just call me,” he said. “Anything at all.”

They smiled a little. “I know. The same goes to you. Anything at all, I’m here.”

“Unless you’re co-leading a West End show.”

They chuckled. “Yeah, or unless you’re performing to a sold out arena.”

He grinned. “We’re ruling the fucking world, aren’t we?”

Yeah, maybe they were. Was that what a power couple was?

—————————————

Saying goodbye to Tony was one of the hardest things Loki had done. It was as if a piece of their heart, their entire being had gone. Sure, they texted and called, but it wasn’t the same. They’d gotten so used to listening to Tony’s soft snores in the night, having him to keep them grounded. They barely slept without him, not even white noise helped. 

En Dwi kept messaging them with job offers, but slowed down when it was announced that they were in Cabaret. He wasn’t expecting them to ever go back into acting after Odin threw them out, but they were full of surprises. Who knew, if Cabaret went well then maybe they could go back to theatre. They weren’t completely sure, but the possibility was there. Unless Odin or En Dwi got involved, then it would definitely be their last job. God, how unfair was that?

Each day dragged, despite how brilliant rehearsals were. Their entire day was just a build up to the video call they had with Tony every night. They didn’t talk about the invisible weight hanging around that En Dwi had created. It was as if Tony completely understood that they didn’t want to talk about it. Mobius and Verity kept checking in, but even they had to know that it was hopeless. Eventually the jobs would dry up and they’d get dropped again. They wouldn’t run back to En Dwi, though. No, they’d find something else. They’d always had an eye for designing, so that was an option. Not a great one, but it was an option. 

Despite how glum everything was, they’d at least found a friend in Brunnhilde. They’d heard of her before, even seen her in a few shows, but she’d done a few with Thor as well so when they found out that she was playing Sally Bowles, their heart sunk. Despite that, she never mentioned Thor. She was chopsy and quite stubborn, but in the best ways. She was almost like a friend, and it was refreshing. 

Opening night had crept up on them. They hadn’t forgotten about it, but they had lost track of time. One moment it was the first day of rehearsals, the next they were in the wings, ready to go on stage and perform to people for the first time in fifteen years. Tony wasn’t there. He’d sent flowers, but the album was taking longer than planned so he was stuck in New York. It was purely selfish to want him there, they knew that, but that didn’t stop the feeling. 

It was as if they were working on autopilot. They didn’t think about where they had to be and what they had to do. Everything just came back to them. Before they knew it, the show was over and they couldn’t stop smiling. As a kid, being in Cabaret was their dream. Fifteen years after leaving theatre, they’d done it. They hoped that eleven year old them was proud, and they could only wish that they’d made Frigga proud. They knew that Odin wouldn’t take it lying down, but they could enjoy the time they had on the show. They could have fun. They could be proud of themself for the first time in years. 

After getting out of their show makeup and putting on a light makeup look for stage door, they headed out. Brunnhilde was still out there signing programmes and taking photos with everyone, but everyone else had already left. They signed the programmes they were handed and took photos with people, but it barely processed in their mind. They wouldn’t have had anything like that a year prior. So much had changed, and they had Tony to thank for it. Without him, they wouldn’t have gone to the audition. How stupid were they? 

The crowd of people had dispersed, but a few people were left. They took a programme they were handed and signed the cover next to Brunnhilde’s name, just like they did with the other hundred programmes they’d been handed. Their hand had been cramping for ages, but that didn’t stop them. 

“Yeah, you can make it out to the best boyfriend in the world.”

Their head shot up to look at who was in front of them, and despite the hat, sunglasses that definitely stood out at ten at night and the very ‘I’m-trying-to-blend-in-jeans-and-hoodie’, it was obvious that it was Tony. They pulled him into a hug, and he just laughed as he hugged back. 

“I thought you were busy-”

“Like I would ever miss this,” he replied quietly. “You were amazing. Like- actually amazing. I’m not just saying that because you’re my partner. I just- wow.”

They chuckled quietly. “Thank you. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Mhm. And you’re not getting rid of me for a while. Album’s finished, so I have some time off.” He pulled away. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” they replied. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I’m here,” he said. “You have no idea how long I’ve been planning this for- I was so scared someone would see me here and post about it or something.”

They shook their head. “I thought you were still working on the album.”

“I was working to a very strict deadline. Trust me, there was no way I was missing this.” He grinned. “Honestly, Lokes- that was amazing. I’m so proud of you. How did I end up with someone so talented?”

They raised a brow. “You’re the one that performs like no one else and writes the most amazing songs.”

He snorted. “Yeah, we’re a fucking talented couple. Now anything else you need to do here or can we go home?”

Home. 

They had a home, and a home with Tony at that. It wasn’t just a shell of a house, it was finally a home because Tony made it that way. The theatre wasn’t too long a walk back. Tony hated the tube more than anything, which he pretended wasn’t the case but Loki knew, so they made up some excuse of needing to walk the nerves off after their performance. They weren’t convinced that Tony believed them, but he agreed to walk anyway. They walked hand in hand, and if they inched closer and closer to each other, Loki didn’t mind. It had been just over a month since they saw Tony, and they were planning to make the most of every single second they got with him. 

It didn’t take long before they were both curled up in bed. Loki had their head on Tony’s shoulder, wrapped up in his arms. It was home. They traced the tattoos on his shoulder with their finger, but he didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t say anything about it, at least. 

“I fucking hate theatre,” Tony said, “but I really liked that. I thought it would be really happy. I wasn’t expecting Nazis.”

They chuckled. “Yeah, it’s quite depressing. It’s jarring doing it now, when we’re just sleepwalking into facism again.”

“I can see how you won an award so young. Like- I absolutely didn’t cry, not at all, but I can see how people would.” He shrugged. “You were really good. Are you going to go back into acting?”

They shook their head. “It’s not worth the fallout.”

“Thor?”

“The moment it was announced, so many articles went up about how I was trying to get revenge on Odin and Thor, or how I was trying to steal Thor’s thunder, got called an ungrateful brat a lot. Then an influx of articles got written about how great Thor is, which was definitely Odin’s doing. I don’t want to live my life in their shadows.” They shrugged. “I love it, I love being in this show, but- even just the pressure of going out there every night and being judged- at least when I do a shoot only the best product goes out. I can’t guarantee that in theatre.”

Tony nodded slowly. “You know I’d support you, no matter what, right?”

“Yeah. And I’d support you, no matter what.”

“I know.” He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of their head. “Did you actually know if I was coming tonight?”

They shook their head. “No clue. I was hoping you would, but I believed you when you said that you were still working on the album.”

He chuckled. “There was the possibility that we could’ve been, so I didn’t want to promise anything. Then we finished it on time and I thought I’d surprise you. Verity helped out. She’s paid a bunch of tabloids to not post about me at the airport.”

“Of course she was involved.” They snorted. “Thank you. I’m really glad you’re here.”

“What time do you start tomorrow?” He asked. 

“Half five, why?” 

“Why don’t we go on a date?” He raised a brow. 

They smiled. “That sounds good. What do you want to do?”

“Would you kill me if I said something touristy?”

They chuckled. “Camden Market?”

“Oh! I’ve seen that on TikTok, it looks good.” He smiled. “I like that idea.”

“The Cabaret Gala’s on Friday as well- it’s like press night but for every cast change they do. Do you want to come?” They asked. “You don’t have to, but it’s just- watch the show and go for drinks in the bar after. It’s completely fine if you don’t- especially with drinks and all that.”

He smiled a little. “Lokes, it’s fine. I’d love to come.”

“Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he replied. “How’s the En Dwi situation?”

They hesitated. “He text me when this was announced, just congratulating me, but I haven’t had any jobs. I’ve had a few but they’ve been cancelled last minute. I’m surprised he hasn’t messed with this.”

“I’m sorry.” He was quiet for a moment. “What’re you going to do?”

They shrugged. “Nothing I can really do.”

“I didn’t think you were the kind of person to just- take it.”

“I’ve seen what happens to people that cross En Dwi. I don’t want to be one of those people,” they said. “I just want to enjoy this while I can.”

It would’ve been a lie to have said that they weren’t worried. They were terrified, but what could they do? It would all get worse if they went out of their way to antagonise En Dwi. He’d ruined lives without breaking a sweat. They didn’t want that to happen to them. They just had to sit back and see where it went. 

“Would you ever sign back with him?” Tony asked. 

They shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d rather not.”

“Would you?”

“If I had no other choice, yes,” they replied. “I don’t want to stop working.”

He was quiet for a moment. “He can’t stop you from working, can he?”

“He can do anything he wants.” They shrugged. “He’ll get what he wants, I just want to minimise the damage from it.”

“Lokes, that- that doesn’t sound like a good idea,” he said. 

“Tony, I’ve put so much work into my career, especially in the last few years. I’m not giving up now,” they replied. “It’ll be different this time, anyway.”

Tony was quiet for a little while, so long that Loki thought that he’d fallen asleep. “What happened when you were with him? I mean- I’ve guessed, but- I don’t actually- I want to know if I’m on the right track.”

“You probably are.”

“I haven’t said what I’ve put together,” he said. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

They shook their head. “No, he was really nice. Always really nice. He had his favourites. Sometimes I was his favourite, sometimes I wasn’t. He was still nice either way.”

“What did it mean to be one of his favourites?” He asked. 

“More jobs, more attention, gifts. Things like that. Any time he gets a new client, they’re his favourite. My first few months with him were amazing. Constantly working, travelling, working with him- he’d compliment me all the time. Give me ‘tips and tricks’. God, he got me so much shit. Then he got a new client and the jobs slowed, I didn’t see him for months, he just disappeared. Odin was seething, he thought I’d done something.” They chuckled bitterly. “After a few months I was back to being his favourite, but that was- it got easier once I realised what he was doing.”

“He did that when you were thirteen?” He shook his head. “It’s shit at any age, but you were so young. Fucking hell. I hate him. I actually hate him.”

Loki shrugged. “It’s fine. It’s just the way he is.”

“Lokes, I can’t- I can’t imagine how bad it was for you, but- I don’t- I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to sign back with him. We’ll work this out, okay? But you can’t sign with him again.”

They sat up. “What, it’s your decision now?”

Tony sat up against the headboard. “No, it’s not my decision. I’m sorry.”

They took a deep breath and counted to ten in their head. “I’m sorry.”

“No, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. I pushed, and I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I’m just worried.”

“I’ll be fine, Tones.” They forced a little smile. “I’m older now, and I know more about this job. If I do sign with En Dwi again, I- I know better. I’ll keep going to therapy, I won’t touch drugs and I’ll stay sober- and I’ll keep to the diet I’m on now. I’ll be okay.”

There was a beat. “Okay. I’m proud of you, Lokes. I’m so, so proud of you. I’m really grateful that you trust me to go on this journey with you.”

That only made the thought of disappointing Tony ten times worse. If they did sign back with En Dwi, which they really didn’t want to do but they knew En Dwi well enough to know that he’d probably force their hand - they knew that there was every possibility that they’d disappoint Tony. They weren’t lying, though. They were going to try. They were going to try to survive whatever En Dwi had in store for them. For Tony. If not for themself, then for Tony. 

“Thank you for believing in me,” they said quietly. They didn’t complain when Tony wrapped his arms around them, pulling them into a hug. 

“I love you so, so much, Lokes. Always.”

Shit.