St*rfucker

Loki didn’t know what they were going to do once they got back to the house. They weren’t going to kick Tony out, but they were absolutely going to avoid him. They just didn’t know how. Tony couldn't like them. Not like that. Tony was good. He was nice, kind, selfless, he was good. He deserved so much more than them. Loki wasn't good enough for him, and they didn't think that they'd ever be. Tony deserved someone put together, someone who could make him happy, someone who was actually worth something. He deserved better. 

What if Tony was right? What if Loki only liked Tony because they missed Fandral? Did they miss Fandral? They'd barely thought about him in a while. What if that was why? Then again, Tony was nothing like Fandral. He cared about them, and that was more than they'd had in a while. They didn't know what they'd do without Tony, but they didn't want to drag him down. What if he noticed just how much of a mess they were? How they were barely holding themself together? How could they tell Tony that he deserved better without hurting him? As much as it would break them to push Tony away, what choice did they have?

They opened the door, prepared to let Tony stay, but when they found their kitchen light on Tony was the least of their worries.

“Fucking hell, you took your time.” Verity walked into the kitchen doorway, a slice of toast in her hand. “New look? Suits you. It’s nice. Hi, Tony.”

They raised a brow. “How did you get in?”

“I have a key. Remember you gave Mobius a key when you-” they were beyond glad she didn’t finish that with Tony around. “He gave me a copy, in case of emergencies. So here I am.”

“I don’t think that this is an emergency,” they said. 

Verity grinned as she took a bite of her toast. She walked into the living room and turned the light on. They followed, finding her jacket and bag on one of the sofas, and a pile of paperwork on the coffee table. She picked it up and handed it to them. 

“Maybe not an emergency, but I was in the area and thought that this would be good to do in person,” she said. They scanned over the paperwork and their heart practically stopped. Cabaret. “You’re taking the role, you fucking coward. Anything you want to change in the contract, let me know. I put the Met weekend down, but if there’s any other dates you can’t do just jot them down. I’ll give you time to go over that. Tony, I need a hand in the kitchen. By the way- your kitchen’s stocked?”

They blinked. “Yeah- yeah. We went shopping the other day.”

She hummed. “Great. Tony, let’s make some coffee. Loki, I swear to fucking god if you don’t finish this contract tonight I will scream.”

Verity walked out of the room and Tony followed. Loki sat down on the sofa and looked through the contract, barely able to take in the words. They were going to be on a West End stage for the first time in fifteen years. Considering a month had passed since their audition, they’d assumed that they didn’t get it. They were going to play the Emcee in Cabaret. How insane was that? It was something they never thought they’d do. 

Was it a good idea? What about Odin? What would he say? There’d be comparisons. Thor would still be in a show. Of course people would compare them and Thor while they were both performing in the West End at the same time. They’d never escape the comparisons, no matter how much they distanced themself from Thor. 

It was only twelve weeks. Sixteen with rehearsals, and time off for the Met. At least it meant that En Dwi couldn’t try to tempt them with any other jobs. They looked through the contract, and the only tweak they made was another weekend off. They weren’t going to be of use to anyone that weekend, and it was a weekend they had kept free for years. Mobius never questioned it, so they didn’t think it was an awful idea. 

Once the contract was done, they set the stack of papers back into a neat pile. They headed towards the kitchen, keeping as quiet as they could when they heard Verity and Tony talking in hushed voices. 

“-probably a good sign that you’re here. I can’t help you much, but it’s so clear that they’re head over heels for you. So hurt them and I’ll make sure that your dick ends up on a spike in the Tower of London.” There was a pause. “I’ll talk to Mobius about En Dwi, but there’s nothing we can do. He’s- he’s vicious and he’s not going to stop. We'll just have to work around him.”

“God, it’s all fucking bullshit, isn’t it?” They heard Tony groan. “But they’re doing better. Like- yeah. They’re doing great. I'm so fucking proud of them. I just don’t want En Dwi to mess with all the progress they've made.”

That seemed like a good enough time to interrupt. They walked into the room with a cocky smile on their face. “I’m glad that I’m still the centre of attention, even when I’m not in the room.” 

Verity raised a brow. “Shush, the adults are talking.”

They pouted. “Hey! Can we just talk about how you broke into my house?”

“You gave me the key,” she replied. 

“I gave Mobius a key,” they said. “You never asked.”

She snorted. “I live in London. He doesn’t. Who logically needs a key more?”

Fair point. “You still broke in.”

“At least this time you don’t have a broken door and I’m not traumatised for life.” Another fair point. “Unless you want another broken door?”

Absolutely not. That wasn’t pleasant. To deal with suicide watch and fix a door? That really wasn’t a good time. “Yeah, I think the broken door and suicide attempt come as a package deal.”

She paused. “Point taken, I won’t break your door unless it’s an emergency.”

“Thanks, it’s appreciated.” They chuckled. “And I wasn’t listening in, but En Dwi isn’t really a problem. I’m busy for the next four months, basically. Let’s not worry over nothing.”

Tony raised a brow. “What happened when you went for coffee with him?”

They paused. “Why?”

“Just asking.” He shrugged. “If it wasn’t something to worry about then you’d say.”

They rolled their eyes. “Nothing. He just said he was signing Fandral.”

“And the texts?”

Verity turned to them. “He’s been texting you?”

They looked at Tony. “How do you know?”

“You get quiet and fidgety when he texts you,” he replied. “It’s how I know when it’s him.”

They shook their head. “Nothing. It’s literally nothing.”

“Loki, you’re a fucking idiot. Why the fuck didn’t you tell any of us?” Loki was glad it was Verity there and not Mobius. They really couldn’t deal with Mobius’s ‘dad voice’ and guilt tripping. Verity's bluntness was great. “Right- I’m going back to mine- I’m coming back first thing in the morning and we’re going to go through everything. Honestly- this is why I dye my hair. You’re turning me fucking grey.”

They chuckled. “Yeah. I’ll see you in the morning, Verity.”

She headed towards the doorway before she paused and turned back to look at them. “And keep him around. He’s a good influence.” 

Loki stayed quiet as Verity left. They could feel Tony’s gaze burning into them, but they ignored it. They headed into the living room and grabbed their laptop from the coffee table. The footsteps behind them confirmed that Tony had followed. They didn’t say anything. They just sat on the sofa and scrolled through their emails. 

Tony liked them. Why? Was it just some joke? Was he bored and wanted to play a game? Why would he say that he liked them? Did he know how they felt and just wanted to fuck with them? It was just like all the other times they’d been asked out as a joke. Or when people slept with them as a dare. They thought that Tony was different. 

“We really need to talk about this,” Tony said from the doorway. 

They shrugged. “Go for it.”

There was a pause. “I’d really like you present for it. Not scrolling through whatever the fuck you’re doing.”

They slammed their laptop shut. “Happy?”

“I get the fact that communication isn’t your strong suit, but I don’t- I don’t know what’s going on.”

They finally turned to him. “What? You’re the one that wants to talk.”

“Yeah. Because I like you, Loki. I really fucking like you- and yeah, Clint’s right- even when you were with Fandral we were beyond close. We’ve only gotten closer since, so- what’s going on? What are we?” He was quiet while he waited for an answer that he didn’t get. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t- I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay with being just friends while we’re fucking cuddling and holding hands and having no fucking space between each other- either you feel the same or I’ve been strung along and it needs to stop.”

They thought over his words. They would’ve preferred for them to have carried on how they were with no semblance of feelings involved. “Tony- we’re in a fake relationship. What were you expecting?”

“If it was just a fake relationship then we would still be like we were those first few meets. You know that and I know that.” He shook his head. “What’re you scared of?”

They frowned. “I’m not scared.”

“Then what’s this?” He asked. “What are we? I like you. A lot. But I don’t want to be a rebound.”

They shook their head. “You’re not.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yeah. I’m pretty fucking sure.” They focused their gaze on the table in front of them. “Are you done?”

“No, because you haven’t given me any fucking answers,” he replied. 

They chuckled bitterly. “What do you want me to say, Tony? What’s the point in this? What- what do you get out of this? The pleasure of knowing that- yeah- I fucking like you and I’m a fucking idiot for catching feelings for you? Because whatever you have for me- if you have anything- it’ll pass. It always fucking does. So yeah- go find someone who actually fucking deserves you and stop wasting your fucking time on me.”

They didn’t look at Tony during the silence that followed. “Lokes, I fell for you knowing you. I know exactly what I’m getting myself into and it’s worth it for you.”

They shook their head. “What if this is just the fact that we’re meant to be in a relationship? We’re confusing it with real feelings?”

Another moment of silence followed. Before they knew it, Tony was straddling their lap and his lips were on theirs. They froze before they finally managed to nudge Tony enough to get him to pull back. Regret filled them when they saw the hurt in Tony’s eyes and they wanted to take it back. 

“Love the sentiment- I need you off my lap,” they said. 

Tony scrambled off of their lap and sat next to them. “Sorry. No-go?”

“No-go,” they replied before they pulled Tony into a kiss. They wrapped one arm around his waist and the other cupped his jaw, holding him as close as they could. 

Was it real? Did Tony actually like them? Why? What for? Selfishly, they didn’t really care. They could have Tony, and they’d take as much as they could get. They just needed Tony, they didn’t care if it was selfish. 

Eventually Tony pulled away. They smiled as they rested their head on his shoulder. How lucky were they? Tony liked them. Allegedly, but they wouldn’t question it. They were used to having imposter syndrome when it came to relationships so that wasn’t anything new. God, they were so lucky. 

“Apart from no straddling,” Tony said, “is there anything else I should avoid?”

They shrugged as they closed their eyes. “Not a now problem. Talk to me about it in the morning.”

He chuckled quietly. “Lokes, I’d rather know tonight if there’s a risk I’ll- yeah. So no straddling?”

They huffed. “Fucking stubborn fucker. I don’t like being held down, still no touching my wrists, basically everything’s the same.”

“But I can kiss you, right?” He asked. 

They smiled as they pressed a gentle kiss to Tony’s neck. “I’d like that.”

“Promise you’ll tell me if I do something that makes you uncomfortable?” He wrapped his arms around them. “I want this to work.”

They hummed. “Only if you do the same.”

Loki closed their eyes as they relaxed into Tony’s touch. The only time they had that kind of intimacy from Fandral was after they fucked, which meant that they didn’t really remember much of it. They mainly remembered waking up with him. At least Tony didn’t drink, and didn’t tolerate people drinking around him. That was a little comforting. 

“Bedtime?” Tony asked. 

They hummed. “No moving.”

“Yeah, I think it’s bedtime.” They went to protest hut Tony picked them up effortlessly. They clung onto him without opening their eyes, almost falling asleep in his hold. “Oh, it’s absolutely bed time. And you look great, but you absolutely can’t sleep in jeans, il mio cuore.”

They huffed. “I can do whatever I want.”

“Mhm. Sure you can,” he replied. “I just won’t be sleeping in the same bed as you if you’re wearing scratchy fucking jeans.”

They looked at Tony. “That’s unfair!”

“Mhm, sure it is,” he chuckled as he set them down on the bed. “So what’s it going to be?”

They huffed as they got up. They headed to the bathroom to take their makeup off and take their night time vitamins and CBD pills before they headed back into the bedroom. Tony was already in his pyjama shorts, lounging on the bed. They grabbed one of Tony’s shirts and changed into that before they crawled into bed next to him. 

Tony grinned as he wrapped his arms around Loki. They smiled back before they rested their head on his shoulder. It was surreal. It almost felt wrong. It had only been a month since they broke up with Fandral. Was it all too fast? Were they moving on too fast? Then again, Fandral had moved on before their relationship had ended. 

“When’s your flight?” They asked quietly. 

“I need to leave here at midday,” he replied. “I don’t want to go.”

They thought for a moment. “I can fly out in a couple days? Or I could change my meetings to online ones?”

He chuckled softly. “Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, okay? When do you start Cabaret?”

“Two weeks,” they replied.

He huffed. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I can still fly out with you,” they replied. 

He shook his head. “I’d love for that, but- I don’t want us to rush into anything. I think- we’ve had a month straight of each other, and I’ve loved every minute of it, but let’s see how we do apart.”

They nodded slowly. Was Tony being truthful? When Fandral wanted space it meant that he was fucking Amora. Would Tony do the same? Or was he already sick of them? They couldn’t blame him if he was. They knew that they were annoying. They’d been told that often enough. Tony needed space and they had to respect that, even if it wasn’t what they wanted. 

Loki didn’t really know how to respond to Tony’s dismissal, so they didn’t. They closed their eyes, knowing that sleeping was easier than thinking. Even though they felt safe in Tony’s arms - even though they felt like they were home - it was still hard sometimes. Sleep still escaped them. 

They couldn’t hide their smile when Tony started to sing. It wasn’t a song they knew, but Tony’s voice was magical. It was enough to soothe them even on their worst day. It wasn’t long before his singing was replaced by soft snores, but that didn’t matter. Tony was there, and even if it was going to be a temporary thing, they didn’t care. They were happy, and they’d make the most of that. Even if it meant the end would be worse. Tony was worth the heartache that would inevitably come, and they were determined to make the most of their time together.