St*rfucker

Loki didn’t think they’d ever get used to waking up by Tony’s side. It wasn’t something they deserved, but they loved it all the same. They’d never felt safer. Not even with Fandral. No, they loved the idea of Fandral. They were so desperate for love and approval that they stuck with him. They knew that. They weren’t stupid. They loved Fandral in the beginning, but the moment things switched - the moment he got with Amora, everything changed. He loved who Fandral was in the beginning, not who he became. It had been a month of reflecting - with the help of a therapist. Tony had won that battle. 

Tony was something else. He cared. Who else cared so deeply about them the way that Tony did? Fandral never did. Tony was a breath of fresh air, he was like a drug Loki couldn’t quit. One that they didn’t want to quit. They knew that it would be over in the span of months, but they didn’t care. They were going to make the most of having Tony in their life. 

Loki closed their eyes as they rested their head on his shoulder. It was nice to be in their bed again after a month of touring. The rest of the band had gone back to America, but Tony wanted to stick around a little longer. They weren’t going to complain about that. They would never admit it, but they actually enjoyed Tony’s company. 

“You’re warm,” Tony hummed as his eyes flickered open. “This is so much nicer than sleeping in a fucking bus.”

They chuckled. “Try doing it when you’re tall.”

He pouted. “I’m tall! Just not as tall as you, you fucking giant.”

“Sure, whatever you say.” They smiled up at him. “You know what I thought we could do today?”

He raised a brow. “What?” 

“Maybe we could go to that burger place you looked at last time we were here?” They raised a brow. “It looks nice.”

He hesitated. “Are you sure?” 

They nodded. “Yeah. I think- I don’t know. I think I want to try it.”

“Okay.” He was quiet for a moment. “Wanna go back to the V and A afterwards?”

They smiled. “I’d love that.”

Tony got up, making them huff in annoyance. How dare Tony move? They curled up under the blanket, ignoring Tony’s laugh that made their heart flutter. It was something they avoided talking to their therapist about. To be fair, they had a lot they refused to talk to her about. Any time she pressed about their childhood they’d stop answering. They’d talk about their insecurities, their eating habits - their therapist called it anorexia and got them in touch with a dietitian to help. Tony had been beyond supportive through it. It hadn’t gotten any easier, but they were trying. They’d even talked to their therapist about Fandral. They were trying, they wanted to be the person Tony deserved. They just didn’t think they were that just yet. They didn’t think they ever could be, but they were determined to try. 

Loki got up when they heard the shower start. They looked through their wardrobe and tried to remember what they were told in their last session. You can wear whatever you want, you just need to overcome the pressure you put on yourself to look perfect all the time. Bullshit, but they had to try. They grabbed a pair of black jeans and a grey t-shirt. They turned to Tony’s section of the wardrobe and found a black jacket. It was something they’d never get caught dead wearing, so that would be perfect. They set the clothes on the bed just as Tony got out of the shower. They took a quick shower before they got dressed. By the time they finished their makeup - different from their usual. They’d gone for a red and black graphic liner - simple, but fun - Tony was ready. 

“You look good,” Tony said when they were finally done. “Is that my jacket?”

They smiled their most innocent smile. “Maybe.”

“Looks good on you.” He got up from the bed. “Ready to go?”

Loki nodded and followed Tony out. The London streets were as busy as usual, which meant getting spotted quite quickly. It was their least favourite part about going outside. Sometimes they had days where they hid just so they didn’t have to see photos of themself walking down the street when they settled in for the night. It was creepy. They didn’t want to be a famous model. They just wanted to be Loki. They just didn’t know who that was. 

They clung onto Tony’s hand as they walked by his side. The first few times Tony tried to hold their hand they shied away. They didn’t want Tony to be uncomfortable just because they were scared , but then it started happening. It was in private, where there wasn’t really an excuse for it. It just happened. Just like the fact they shared a bed in their place when they had a spare bedroom. They spent every hour together, sitting on each other at times, there weren’t really any boundaries between them left. Not many. Loki just didn’t know what they were. They knew what they wanted, but it wasn’t practical. It wouldn’t work. Tony deserved better, and they didn’t want to taint him. Sure, they were trying, but they could only pretend for so long. 

The burger place was busier than they thought it would be. Loki didn’t say anything about it. They just followed Tony to the booth with a smile that was maybe a bit too close to the one they used when they were in front of a camera. Why did they think that it was a good idea? They sat down opposite Tony and ignored how their knee just bounced and bounced and bounced. They scanned over the menu, despite the hundreds of times they’d done it online. They’d been getting better. They ate fucking ice cream. For the first time since they were twelve, they had ice cream. There was progress. So why was it still so hard?

They couldn’t help but flinch when a hand rested on theirs, but it didn’t move. They looked up, only to find Tony looking at them with those brown doe eyes. “Hey, we can always go.”

They shook their head. “No, no- it’s fine. I’m fine.”

He was still for a moment before he nodded. “Okay. Oh! I want to go to Winter Wonderland.”

They blinked. “Tony, it’s April.”

“Planning ahead, baby.” He grinned. “Any Christmas plans?”

They shook their head. “What about you?”

He shook his head. “Nah. I used to spend Christmas with whiskey. Last year Clint invited me over, and he’s opened the invite to this year, but he’s going to have a kid. He doesn’t need me there.”

They hesitated. “I get it. Mobius keeps inviting me but he’s got kids to worry about and I’m absolutely not the kind of person that should be around kids. Verity invites me over, but her parents don’t like me.”

He raised a brow. “I don't think I've met Verity properly.”

“She’s great.” They smiled as they looked down at the table. “We met years ago- back when I was with En Dwi, and we got on. And then everything happened and Mobius signed me and- I don’t know how she found out where I lived, but she turned up at my door and- yeah. She’s- she’s great.”

He was quiet for a moment. “She was at Milan, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah. She was on one then though,” they replied. “I think I saw her for- maybe twenty minutes total that day? I swear- she’s literally insane. I don’t know how she does it. I never see her stop.”

He chuckled. “I could never be an agent or a manager. Imagine putting up with us.”

They grinned. “Yeah. We’re a fucking handful.”

The server walked over and took their orders. Loki wasn’t completely sure what they ordered. They panicked and said something they saw on the menu. It would be fine, right? They didn’t know. They sighed when their phone went off. Mobius, probably, checking in on them because they had nothing to do. Their career was on the rise and they had fuck all lined up. How wonderful was that?

Lo-Lo! We need to get you a new stylist- I know someone who would DIE to work with you. Let me know if you’re interested. See you soon - EDG xx

Considering Loki changed their number mid way through the tour to get away from En Dwi, they weren't sure how En Dwi got their new number. They didn’t ask. They didn’t reply to his texts. Part of them wanted to. God, they wanted to. They wanted to be so busy that they didn’t have time to sleep. They wanted the attention, weirdly. The love that they’d get from being busy. Successful. They craved it just as much as they despised it. 

“How about we do Christmas together?” Tony asked. 

They looked up from their phone. “Hm?”

“Either you come to mine or I come here. We do Christmas together. I don’t know.” He shrugged. “It’s a stupid idea.”

They shook their head as they put their phone away. “It’s not stupid at all. I think it’s a good idea.”

“Really?” He asked, his eyes widening. 

They nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I like it. You should come here for Winter Wonderland and I want to see that huge fucking Christmas tree you guys get.”

He chuckled. “It has a name.”

“It’s a literal giant fuck off Christmas tree in a city. You know what I’m talking about without me knowing the name.” They smiled a little. “I haven’t celebrated Christmas in years.”

“Neither have I, so let’s do it together.” He thought for a moment. “I’m really glad that this happened. I thought I’d hate it, but- yeah.”

They chuckled quietly. “Yeah. It’s- it’s been really good.”

“I don’t want to go back tomorrow,” he said. “But we have an album to finish. And apparently I have to be there for that.”

They snorted. “How dare they need the singer to record an album.”

“I know! It’s so inconvenient.” He huffed. “When’re you in America again?”

“The Met,” they replied. “I don’t have anything planned until then.”

He raised a brow. “Nothing?”

They shook their head. “En Dwi keeps offering me jobs, but- nothing. He’s desperate and he’s showing it, which he never does. I don’t- I don’t know.”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Maybe he’s not desperate.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s- he’s basically dangling a carrot in front of you. It doesn't seem like desperation, it's more he's trying to smoke you out.” He frowned. “Is he always like that?”

“I’m a fucking idiot,” was all they could say. 

Tony shook his head. “He’s a manipulative prick with influence. It’ll be over soon enough.”

It would be over, but only when Loki finally cracked. They knew that they had to tell Mobius. If he thought that they weren’t in demand, then he’d drop them, but if he knew that En Dwi was around then that could cause more trouble. More trouble than they were worth. He’d get his way. Loki didn’t doubt that. It was just a case of prolonging the inevitable and making sure that the fallout wasn’t awful. They were finally getting somewhere. Their career was picking back up, they were happy and they were working on themself. Why did En Dwi have to ruin it?

They didn’t say much when food arrived. They ate slowly as they reminded themself to breathe. It would be fine. Food wasn’t a bad thing. They were allowed to enjoy it. They were allowed to eat. They were grateful for Tony’s rambling. He kept changing the subject, which meant that they had to focus on his ramblings a little more. They weren’t an idiot. They knew that it was purposeful. How did they get so lucky?

They’d managed to eat most of their food. Considering a few months prior they wouldn’t have even touched it, they were quite pleased with that. They did their best to focus on Tony, to not think about what they’d just eaten. They paid - they wouldn’t listen to Tony’s arguments - and then followed Tony out onto the street. The museum wasn’t too far away, but it wasn’t pleasant given the amount of people that stopped them for photos. All they wanted was to be invisible for one day. Was that too much to ask?

The museum itself was quiet. It was nice. Comforting. They clung to Tony’s hand as they walked around, only to grin when they entered the main hall. That night played in their head. They’d never been happier, dancing with Tony that night. It was a memory they’d cherish forever, no matter what. 

“You know- I guess- this is real, isn’t it?” Tony paused. “We’re back here.”

“We are.” They nodded. “No dancing this time though, I’m guessing.”

He chuckled. “Imagine if people get the footage of that.”

“Mobius and Fury can’t tell us we’re not playing our parts well if that comes out.” They hesitated. “Let’s not even give them the idea.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Yeah. Yeah- I mean- what was that?”

They raised a brow. “What?”

“That. Dancing. I mean- no one was there. We didn’t have to act,” he replied. 

They didn’t really know. A huge mistake? It wasn’t a mistake. Not to them. They would’ve done anything for it to have happened again. It was anything but a mistake to them, but was that the case for Tony? Did he regret it? Was it just a weird situation for him? An act? A mistake?

“Yeah. I don’t know.” They let go of Tony’s hand. “I shouldn’t have instigated it, and I’m sorry.”

Another pause. “Lokes- I don’t regret it. Honestly- it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. I just- I don’t know where the lines are anymore. What we are.”

“I don’t know. Friends?”

“Friends?”

Had they misread the situation? Didn’t Tony think of them as a friend? Were they that deluded that they thought that Tony would actually want them in his life? That he wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with them? God, they were so stupid. It didn’t mean anything to Tony. Nothing they’d done had meant anything. They had a feeling, sure, but the confirmation was like a thousand knives at their heart. 

“Friends don’t- I think we’re beyond friends, Lokes. Or if we are then we really need to reevaluate everything we do,” he said. “Because this- this stopped being just friends to me a while ago.”

They paused. How were they meant to reply to that? “Yeah. ‘Course.”

They needed out. They needed to leave. To run and never look back. They didn’t want the illusion to break. They wanted to live in their delusional little bubble, where they could pretend that there was a chance that Tony liked them. Idiot. 

“I can’t- Lokes, I need your input here. I need to know if I’m on my own here.” He stopped in front of them. “Am I a rebound?”

They blinked. “What?”

“A substitute Fandral?” He asked. “Or is this how you are with all your friends?” They went to walk away, but stopped when a hand grabbed their elbow. “That came out wrong. I’m sorry. I just can’t keep doing this.”

“Then leave,” they replied as they finally looked at Tony. “Why are you still here? Why didn’t you go back to America with the rest of the band?”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Fuck, you’re as thick as it gets.”

Before Loki could comprehend the blatant reference, Tony grabbed the back of their head and pulled them closer. Into a kiss. It only took a moment for them to practically melt into the hold and kiss back. Why did Tony kiss them? Was it something for the cameras? They knew that people had been watching them from a distance, so maybe it was that. Still, when Tony pulled away after mere seconds, Loki pulled him back in. They couldn’t get enough. It was as if their heart was going to burst through their chest with how fast it was beating. In the months that they’d been ‘dating’, they’d never kissed. It was a boundary that neither of them had dared cross. So what had changed?

“Fuck,” Tony mumbled as he pulled away. “So we’re on the same page?”

They furrowed their brows. “What page?”

He blinked. “You think that that kiss was platonic?”

“I thought you did it because we’re in public,” they replied. 

He frowned. “So that’s why you pulled me back?” They didn’t know how to reply to that. Of course that wasn’t why they kissed him. But how would Tony react if he knew that? “Lokes, I really like you. I kissed you because I like you.”

Oh. That wasn’t what they expected. Tony liked them? Why? What was there to like? They took a deep breath as they tried to think through the situation. Was it a trick? Was Tony playing with them? Tony wouldn’t do that. He was too nice. So what was he doing?

They didn’t deserve Tony. No, Loki would just hurt him. They didn’t know how to love, or how to work with other people. Their entire relationship with Fandral showed that. Tony deserved someone who could love him without any fear. He deserved someone who would treat him perfectly. Someone who knew how to do all of that and more. He deserved better than Loki. 

“I need- I need to go.”

Loki started to walk away, but Tony didn’t stop them. No, he followed, but he didn’t talk. The walk back to their place was in complete silence, and as much as Loki wanted to break it, they couldn’t. If they said anything, they’d do exactly what they couldn’t do. They’d say something that would drag Tony down with them, and they couldn’t do that. Tony deserved better than them. So much better. Knowing that Tony felt the same was like a weight off their shoulders, but instead it filled their heart. 

They wished that he’d never said anything at all.