St*rfucker

The tour was going as planned. Tony and the band were having a great time, they were doing amazing shows and sight-seeing, and Loki was still waiting for any job to come through. They would’ve done anything. Literally anything. It was like nothing in their career had changed. The news articles were all positive and expressing excitement about their ‘comeback’, but there were no jobs. None. Verity was getting them interviews, but that was it. There were no jobs. At first Loki thought it was a reflection on them, but then they remembered what En Dwi had said. He wanted them back, and he always got what he wanted. Of course jobs would slow down, he was trying to smoke them out. 

Of course, Loki didn’t let their worry show. Sure, they’d started eating skittles, which they despised, but Tony saw it as progress. That made it a little easier. It was easier to play pretend that they were overcoming any eating problems they allegedly had rather than admit that they were holding onto their sobriety by a single fucking thread and they were barely keeping their head above the water. Hell, they’d even gone through a packet of lollipops trying to contain it. They’d learned something from rehab, at least. 
From England, to Scotland, to Ireland, and finally Wales, they’d followed Tony on tour. They were just there. They didn’t do much. They hadn’t heard back from Cabaret either, so it looked like that wasn’t going to happen. Things were meant to be going better, so why weren’t they? 

Fandral kept posting with Amora, like nothing was wrong. He was happy with her. Happy in a way he never was with Loki. He wasn’t even upset that they’d broken up. He hadn’t tried to apologise either.

The bus was quiet. They were the only one on it. Everyone else was getting ready for the show. They’d gone out to see the area, but quickly retreated once enough people had seen them. It was coming to the end of the tour, and even though people still speculated that they were still following Tony on the tour, apparently they had to prove it. So they were stuck on the bus because it was the only time they got to themself, and sucked on a lollipop as they looked at the email that had ruined their entire day. Not even day, maybe week. Month, if they were going to lean into their dramatic streak. 

Loki,
I’ve reached out to the brands you recommended but I haven’t had a reply from any of them. The positivity for you online is only growing so I don’t see what the problem is, but I’m working on finding it. Until then, maybe it’s worth looking into a couple other careers you might be interested in as a side hustle? Music might be your best bet at the moment, I’m sure the internet would lap it up. 
See you soon, and much love
Mobius. 

They may or may not have screamed when they saw that email. They may or may not have punched a wall - they’d only just managed to take the splint off for longer than a day, and it was back on. They couldn’t wait to get rid of it. 
What was wrong with them? Why did no one want them? Everything was meant to get better, why was it getting worse? After their relationship was confirmed, The Avengers UK tour had sold out. They’d walked a couple fashion weeks, but then nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Lo-Lo, I’ve got Chanel pestering me about you, apparently Mobius won’t answer any of their calls. Can you do a shoot this weekend? They’d love to have you - EDG xx

Fuck. Fuckidy fuck fuck. They didn’t reply. Instead, they phoned Mobius. Was it a good idea? They didn’t know, but what other choice did they have? Mobius would drop them if he thought that they were useless, but would he drop them because of En Dwi?

“Lokes, if this is about the email-”

“En Dwi just text me, apparently Chanel have asked him about me,” Loki said. “He said that you weren’t answering them.”

There was a pause. “I would never do that to you.”

“I know,” they replied. “I just- I don’t know what to do.”

“Did you say anything to him when you met him for coffee?” He asked. He hadn’t forgiven them for that. 

“No,” they said. “I told him that I didn’t want to sign with him again, and that I was happy with your company.”

He hummed. “Yeah. Okay. I’m not ignoring them, Loki. I haven’t had anything from them. I haven’t had anything from anyone. Cabaret’s the last thing that’s come through.”

“And you haven’t heard anything from them?” They asked. 

“I’m sorry.” There was a pause. “If you’re interested, I’ll put your name down for more theatre stuff?”

They shook their head. “Then Odin will get involved, and I’d rather avoid that.”

“Okay. Then- talk to Tony. See if he can help with music. If you two did a duet or something then honestly- if you got into music you’d be set for life.”

They didn’t want to do music. They wanted to be on a set again, with cameras flashing and lights everywhere. They wanted to see themself in magazines, on adverts, all over posters and billboards and social media. They wanted to be seen again. 

“Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Mobius.”

They hung up. There wasn’t anything left to be said. Mobius wasn’t going to help. They just had to wait it out on their own. They unwrapped another lollipop and shoved it in their mouth. God, what had they come to? They were doing anything for a sugar rush just to avoid a relapse, and why? They had no jobs. It wouldn’t have made a difference if Mobius dropped them, he was bound to do it anyway, and why did they care about themself? Then there was Tony. What would happen if they relapsed on his tour? Why did it matter, when it was going to end the same either way? Either Mobius would drop them and they’d run to En Dwi with their tail between their legs, or they’d run to him voluntarily. They’d go back to En Dwi’s way of working, and they had no control over it. 

They slumped down on the sofa, behind the table. They slammed their laptop shut. They didn’t need to see that email again. They didn’t need to be reminded of their predicament. God, they just needed to be at home. They needed to be alone, they needed to be off the fucking bus that had been their cell for over a month, and they needed to do something. 

“Hey.”

They looked up to find Natasha standing in the door. She looked ready to go on stage, in her black ripped jeans, red shirt and her usual flawless makeup, black eyeliner and red lipstick. She always looked great, and it was always so effortless. 

“Hi,” they replied. “When’re you going on?”

“Got a bit yet.” She sat down opposite them. “Honestly, I just needed to be away from them. I love them to bits, but fucking hell, they’re loud.”

They chuckled. “They are a bit.”

“How’s your day been?” She asked. 

They shrugged. “Explored a bit then caught up with some emails. How about yours?”

“Soundcheck, get ready, do some social media shit- same as every day this last month.” She was quiet for a moment. “I love it. I do. It’s just been a month of it. Can I have one?” She gestured to the bag of lollipops, which they pushed towards her. “If you ever want to talk, I’m here. No judgement.”

They raised a brow. “Where’d that come from?”

She gestured to the bag of lollipops. “My sister’s an addict. Before we stopped talking, I tried to help her get clean. Learned all the tricks. Then read up again when Tony got sober, but he’s his own thing. Just- I’m here, if you need anything. You’ve been doing this with us for a month, and at least we get to perform every night. I can’t imagine how shit it is for you to just- be here all the time.”

Natasha was the one in the band that Loki avoided the most. Not because they didn’t like her- no, they really liked her, but she was perceptive. She saw things that no one else did, and they

didn’t really enjoy being on the receiving end of it. 

“You’ve all welcomed me in and I really appreciate it,” they said. “You really didn’t have to.”

She shrugged. “Even if you and Tony are just fake dating, you’re one of us.”

“Thank you.” They smiled a little. “I really appreciate it.”

She put the unwrapped lollipop in her mouth. “Do you play chess?”

They nodded. “Why?”

“Fancy a game after the show?” She asked. “Honestly- everyone else is shit at it. Tony can get a game to drag on for a while, but I always win. I actually want a challenge.” 

They chuckled. “You’re on.”

She smiled a little. "I'm looking forward to it." She got up and grabbed another lollipop from the packet. She put it in her pocket as she headed towards the door. "See you later, Lokes."

Natasha was terrifying. She was lovely, really friendly, but she could see right through them and that wasn't something that they particularly enjoyed. She knew about the whole Fandral situation, and even though she hadn't mentioned it, she had an idea of what had happened. She hadn't even hinted towards it, but she was a little too nice. They'd seen her playing chess though, so they knew that that would end the moment the game started. She was competitive, and it was brilliant to watch. It was scary enough playing Uno with her.

The show went by a lot faster than they'd expected. They'd decided to just scroll through their phone the entire time, mainly because they didn't want to open their laptop to the email again. They never wanted to see that email again in their life. Natasha was the first one on the bus, and the first thing she did was grab the chess set from one of the cupboards. By the time they finished setting it up, Tony had finally emerged.

"Oh fuck, you're both playing chess," he said. His hair was messy after the shower, still damp and sticking out in every direction. He was in a black t-shirt that clung to his arms in the most perfect way, and some grey joggers. Loki had to rip their eyes away from him before either him or Natasha noticed - it was more likely that Natasha would.

"I don't have any real competition here, so I have no choice," Natasha replied. "Coffee?"

Tony snorted. "Sure. Lokes, coffee?"

They nodded. "Please."

Not that Loki would admit it, but they liked it when Tony made a coffee for them. They always had it black with no sugar, but Tony did it with four sugars and oat milk. It was a lot nicer, sure, but they couldn't make it for themself. No, it didn't matter when Tony did it because it was a treat. They finished setting up their pieces on the board just as Natasha had. She made the first move, just the generic pawn and Loki had done the same. Tony set the mugs next to the chess board on the table then took a seat next to Loki. He was sitting so close that their legs were touching. It took everything for Loki to stay focused on the game, to plan their moves and try to anticipate Natasha's. She was good, but they already knew that.

"How was the show?" Loki asked.

"Good. Really good," Tony replied. "British audiences are so fucking different."

Natasha chuckled. "More unhinged. Someone threw a chicken nugget at me."

Loki looked up from the board to look at her. "What?"

"Yeah. Somehow it landed in my bra. It was fucking wild." She shook her head. "I still can't believe it."

Tony cackled. "That's my highlight of this tour. Like- that was the best thing I've ever seen. I can't believe you didn't eat it."

"I'm not eating a mystery nugget that got thrown into my bra by some random person." She chuckled. "I draw the line there." Natasha took their rook, but it left one of her knights exposed. They examined the board, because that was too obvious a trap. Her queen was exposed but she'd covered it well. They moved their bishop and took her queen, and she just smiled. "Loki, where have you been all my life?"

They snorted. "You're a great player."

"Learned from my mother," she replied. "She taught me and my sister chess when we were young. Well- she taught me. My sister hated it."

They smiled a little. "I had the same. My mo- Frigga, she taught me how to play, and she tried to teach Thor but he hated it. Any time I went home, me and her would play."

"Well, thank fuck for the little things from our families." She took their bishop. "Check."

They swiped their king using their knight. "Checkmate."

"Fucker."

Tony laughed. "Someone finally beat Natasha. It's a miracle."

Natasha shook her head. "Nope. Rematch." She started resetting the board, and Loki did the same with their side as well. Just as they got the pieces in the right place, her phone started going off. "Okay- I'll be ten minutes. Clint's locked in a cupboard."

Tony blinked. "What?"

"I don't fucking know," she replied. "I'll be ten, or I might just leave him in there. We'll see."

Natasha headed out the bus, leaving them and Tony alone. Loki wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. The more time they spent with Tony, the more they found themself warming up to him. He knew Loki far more than what was comfortable, but sometimes it was nice to know that someone cared so much about them. Then again, it was dangerous. Tony would leave, just like everyone else did. They didn't know what they'd do without Tony. It was unbelievable, they thought, just how much they hated the situation in the beginning, but they'd ended up so grateful for it. They had a group of friends who cared and they knew that they could trust, and they never wanted it to end.

Much to their disappointment, Tony moved to sit opposite them, where Natasha had been sitting. He moved one of his pieces as he cradled his coffee in his other hand. "How's your day been?"

"Good. Read a bit, caught up on emails." They moved a piece. "How was yours?"

He shrugged. "Usual. What're your plans for when we're done?"

"Just- see what pops up." They took one of Tony's knights. "What about you?"

"I don't know. I sort of want to stay in the UK for a bit, see what's around." He took one of their bishops. "I don't know. I need to figure it out."

They moved a piece. "You can stay at mine, if you want."

He paused. "Really?"

"Yeah." They took a sip of the coffee, and god, was it heavenly. "You can stay as long as you want."

Tony smiled and it warmed their heart. "Thank you. I'll let you know." He stared at the board. "I know it's ages away, but I can't stop thinking about the Met."

They raised a brow. "How come?"

"I've never done anything as big as that," he said. "Like- VMA's have nothing on that. What if I fall?"

They chuckled. "You won't. Honestly, the worst that'll happen is a bad photo."

"Why do I get the vibe that that's your worst fear?" 

"Because it is." They snorted. "There's plenty of me out there. What's one more?"

"Oh, I don't think a bad photo of you exists," he said as he took their remaining knight. "Loki, you’re like a Greek fucking god. Your skin is fantastic and you look like a marble statue. Wait- what’s the saying? You’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista. You’re a model.” 

They looked at Tony. "You watch Drag Race?"

He shrugged, his focus on the game between them. "Nat watches, I'm just in the room most of the time."

They smiled a little. "It's good. Have you watched Dragula?"

He looked at them. "I haven't."

"Want to watch it sometime?" They asked. "It's so good."

"Yeah. I like that idea." He smiled a little. "I've never been to a drag show."

They raised a brow. "Really?"

"Yeah, they're normally in gay bars and people see me as straight." He shrugged. "Never really felt like I belonged in them."

They frowned. "You do. Fuck everyone who makes you feel that way. You belong in queer spaces, Tony, don't let anyone tell you any different."

"A lot of people think bisexuals don't count." He moved one of his few remaining pawns. "I guess you know enough about that."

"Because I'm gender-spicy people see me as just gay, when I've been open about being bi." They moved their bishop. "Tony, you're perfectly valid, whether you're dating a man, woman, both, neither, between."

"Where do you fall into that?" He asked after a brief pause.

They took a sip of their coffee to buy them some time. "Both. Neither. Depends how I feel."

He was quiet for a moment. “How did you realise you were queer?”

“I had a huge crush on Prentiss and Hotch in Criminal Minds,” they said. “Gender wise- I just- that took fucking ages, but- sometimes I’m one, sometimes I’m the other, sometimes I’m both, sometimes I’m neither. I knew when I was young that I was somewhere under the trans umbrella. It wasn’t until I was- I think I was around eighteen when I stopped hiding from it.”

He was quiet for a moment. “My dad found me sleeping with a guy once and- I just- he was pissed. I didn’t even tell Pepper. It wasn’t until I started going to therapy that I started to really- accept the fact that I’m bi, y’know? I- I thought that I was wrong for so long. Like- there was something wrong with me.”

They nodded. “When I was in school, we had Section Twenty-Eight. Teachers couldn’t promote queerness. No queer books, no queer history, they weren’t even allowed to say the word gay. People were relentlessly bullied for even just seeming queer. I thought that there was something wrong with me for so long, but I had a really supportive mother. I think she knew I was queer before I did, and she was always so supportive.”

He smiled a little. “She seemed lovely.”

“She was.” They smiled. “I remember- when I was eleven, Thor told me I wasn’t allowed to have a crush on Ryan Ross. Frigga sat me down and told me about bisexuality, and that no matter what people said, I was allowed to have crushes on men and women. Then she told me that sometimes- people are born in the wrong body. That their gender doesn’t match the sex of their body, and that that’s- okay. That that happened sometimes, and that there were people who could help.” They took a deep breath to stop the tears. “I came out to her as bi when I was fifteen. She was so accepting- but I never- I think I got drunk one night and told her that I was trans, because the next morning I woke up to painkillers and some gender affirming care leaflets on my bedside- but we didn’t talk about it. I never properly came out to her, but she already knew. I mean- she absolutely knew that I dressed up in her dresses when I was young.”

He chuckled quietly. “I can imagine you as a kid in an adult sized dress with the heels and all.”

“And makeup,” they said. “I did the whole works.”

“Oh, of course.” He paused. “Ryan Ross?”

They raised a brow. “I have a type.”

“You think I’m in the same league as Ryan Ross?” Tony grinned. “That’s the best compliment I’ve ever had.”

"Yeah, 'course you take it like that." They were quiet for a moment. “I’m really sorry- with your dad and everything.”

He shook his head. “It’s not your fault. He- yeah. Howard was a prick, and Maria tried her best, but shit happens. I’m sorry about your mom.”

They shrugged. “It’s probably for the best that she didn’t see everything after- yeah.”

“I think she’d be proud of you,” he said. “I am.”

They smiled a little. “Thank you.”

"Since we started this thing, I've had so many people coming up to me telling me how much we've helped," he said. "Like- a kid today told me that her family kicked her out because she's a lesbian. I mean- I know I didn't have the best time once Howard found out, but- I never had it that bad. I was lucky, I guess."

They frowned. “Tony, it’s not a case of who had it worse. He hurt you and made you think that you were wrong. That’s not okay, even if he didn’t throw you out. You weren't- it's not luck. Don't belittle what you went through, because it's still fucking hard. You're the strongest person I know, and- the fact you're helping people is amazing. You should be so, so proud of yourself."

He smiled a little. "We're helping people."

Loki hid their smile behind their cup. How lucky were they? Tony was incredible. The best person they knew. He had his shit together. Well, for the most part. He'd gotten sober and he used his platform to do so much good. He bettered himself from who he'd been, and he took it all in his stride. He was brilliant. Just absolutely brilliant. He was everything Loki wanted to be, but they didn't know how to get there. They wanted to help people, they wanted to do good. They wanted to be better than they were, no matter what happened. 

"I've been thinking," they said as they moved their rook, "I'm going to start therapy once I'm back in London."

Tony grinned. "Fuck yeah. I'm proud of you, Lokes." Despite that, he moved his knight and took their king. "Checkmate."

"What?"

"I fucking won." He grinned. "Fuck yeah!"

"You're ruthless," they mumbled as they stared at the board. "You're brutal."

Tony snorted. "I'm a survivor, baby."

They smiled as they looked at Tony, who looked back at them with a grin. If they were going to lose to anyone, they were glad it was Tony. Then again, Tony definitely had his own tactics going on.

"It was all the bloody talking," was all that they could say, and even then, their smile only grew.