St*rfucker

“What the fuck were you both doing at the V and A?” Clint asked. 

Tony shrugged. “Living our Red White and Royal Blue dreams.”

Loki rolled their eyes. “He wanted to do some tourist bits and that’s the only museum I like.”

"At night after it closes?" He asked.

Tony raised a brow. "We thought no one would see us. How do you know?"

"Photos of you leaving," he replied. “Sometimes I’m actually convinced that you two are secretly fucking and the whole fake relationship thing is so that you don’t have to admit it to anyone."

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Clint, you’re fucking ridiculous.”

“Steve, back me up.”

Steve shook his head. “I’m not getting involved.”

“I can confirm, me and Loki have never fucked,” Tony said with a grin. “Nice try, Clint.”

Clint raised a brow. “Have you seen yourselves? There’s nothing platonic about the way you’re sitting.”

Loki looked up at Tony from where their head was resting in his lap. Tony’s hand was in their hair, and the other was holding his phone. Maybe Clint had a point. They sat up and settled on the other end of the sofa. Sure, they were comfy, but they didn't like where Clint was going with that. They turned their attention back to their phone, going back to scrolling through Twitter.

“Happy?” They asked. 

He huffed. “You two can trust us, y’know.”

Tony raised a brow. “Clint, considering we’re in a fake relationship, I’d rather us be too close than trying to tear each other's hair out.”

“I’m sorry.” 

Clint didn't sound very sorry. They sighed as they carried on scrolling through Twitter, but not much was happening. Fandral hadn't replied to their texts about En Dwi, but he was busy on shoots so he had bigger things to worry about. They hadn't heard from En Dwi since their meeting at the cafe the morning prior, but they hadn't expected any different. From the photos online, En Dwi was with the younger model he was in the process of signing at a Dior event, and Fandral was in Edinburgh with Amora. Last they heard he was shooting a brand deal for Calvin Klein. They hadn't heard from him in a couple days, but that wasn't anything new.

"Lokes, why don't we go outside?" Tony asked.

Loki looked at him. "You never willingly go outside."

"New year, new me," he said.

"It's October."

"Very early new year, new me," he replied. "Coming?"

They shook their head. "All good, thank you."

 He was quiet for a moment. "I'll race you outside?"

They looked back to their phone. "All good."

"What about-"

"Tony, what the fuck are you doing?" Steve asked.

"Trying to get to know-"

Loki stopped listening when a picture popped up on their Twitter. A photo of Fandral and Amora kissing, posted minutes prior. They clicked on the link with the photo, finding a full article about their 'rumoured relationship. Amora Jones and Fandral Smith spotted kissing at Scotland getaway, sources close to the models confirm that they've been in a relationship for the last five months.

Loki was going to be sick.

They got up and walked outside without a word, ignoring Tony calling after them. They headed outside, and they were just grateful that the area was closed off by a brick wall so no one could see them. They phoned Fandral, but they weren't hopeful that he'd pick up. Considering he'd ignored all of their texts for a few days, why would he answer the phone?

"Hey, Lokes," Fandral said when he finally answered, as if nothing was wrong. "Sorry I haven't answered any of your messages, I've been in and out of shoots and meetings all-"

"What's going on?" They asked.

There was a pause. "What do you mean?"

"You and Amora." They grit their teeth. "What's going on between you two?"

There was silence for quite a while. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bullshit," they replied. "I've seen the photos of you two, and the sources?"

"Loki, I fucked up- I kissed her once, I just- I missed you so much and I didn't think and I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know who the sources are, but they're full of shit."

They wanted to believe him. A part of them did, but they took a deep breath and did their best to stay rational. "I'm not an idiot."

There was another pause. "Yeah, you're right. I fucked up. I just- I got jealous that you were with Tony and- I just needed someone, Lokes, and you weren't there because you were with him. You were always with him. I needed someone- and you weren't there."

They took another deep breath. A tear fell down their cheek, but they quickly wiped it away. "Five months?"

"I needed someone, Loki."

"Me and Tony have only been doing this for three." He was quiet. "What the fuck, Fandral?"

He groaned. "For fucks sake, Loki, can you blame me? You're so fucking depressing- you can't get any fucking jobs and I'd lose everything if people found out about us- what was I meant to do? Stay with you my whole fucking life being miserable?"

"You're such a dick." They chuckled. "How long did you think this would last?"

"I just couldn't break up with you- who knows, you'd have probably tried to kill yourself again."

They grit their teeth as they processed what Fandral said. Had he always been so callous? Or was he just lashing out now that he'd been caught? Was Tony right? They really didn't want to admit that Tony was right. God, no, there was nothing they wanted to do less. 

"You're a prick," they said. "You and Amora deserve each other. Truly."

Loki hung up without letting Fandral reply. How embarrassing was that? Fandral had been with Amora for so long, and they hadn't noticed. No, the signs were there, they'd seen them, they'd just ignored them. They didn't know if that was worse. They'd been with Fandral for two years, and that was what they got out of it? Then again, why wouldn't Fandral get with Amora? She was perfect. She was beautiful, allegedly funny, popular, not a total wreck. Of course he'd choose Amora.

They took a deep breath, ignoring the stinging in their eyes. No, they wouldn’t cry. They wouldn’t waste any more tears on that man. They focused on their breathing for a moment before they threw a punch at the brick wall. Then another. And then another. The only thing that stopped them from going again was a hand on their shoulder. They turned around to see Tony standing behind them. He didn’t say anything as he wrapped his arms around Loki, and they didn’t say anything as they returned the hug. It was then that the tears finally fell. 

They clung onto Tony as if their world would shatter if they let go. He didn’t say anything about their tight grip or their sobs. He just held them in silence. He always knew what to do. Always knew exactly what Loki needed in the moment. How did they get so lucky? How did they actually find someone they could consider a friend? A friend who genuinely cared?

Loki didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but Tony didn’t make any inclination that he wanted to move. He stayed until they were ready. He was there for them. It was weird. They took a deep breath before they eventually pulled away. They wiped their tears away and didn’t dare to think about how much their eyeliner must’ve run. They had to have looked a state, but Tony didn’t seem to care about that. Instead, he took their right hand in his. 

“This doesn’t look too healthy,” he said, his tone soft. “I can patch it up, but you probably need to see a doctor just in case.”

“It’s fine,” they replied quietly. They tried to hide a wince when Tony pressed down on their knuckle, but of course he caught it. 

“Lokes, I don’t think that your knuckle’s meant to be that… invisible.”

Okay, that was a fair point. 

“I’ll get it checked out now.”

He raised a brow. “You’re not staying?”

They shook their head. “I think I need to be alone right now.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Are you okay?”

They shrugged. “I’ll be okay.”

Loki wasn’t completely sure how they felt. It seemed to change as the seconds went. When they got off the phone, anger consumed them. All the anger they’d held back for years just came out. But the moment Tony held them the weight of the situation finally hit them and it hurt. It was as if there was a hole in their chest and they didn’t know just how deep it went. 

“Let me know if you need anything, okay?” He let their hand go. “Just phone, and I’ll do whatever I can.”

They nodded. “Thank you.”

“I’ll see you back at the hotel.”

They watched Tony go back inside. Part of them wanted to call him back in, but they couldn’t bring themself to. They didn’t want to be alone, but at the same time, they didn’t want anyone to see just how low they could go. Especially Tony. No, they wanted Tony to see the best version of them, so they couldn’t have Tony around. 

The first place Loki went was A&E. They wouldn’t have, but Tony had specifically asked them to get their knuckle checked out, so they couldn’t just not do it. After hours of waiting and the non stop chatter and coughing and sneezing from the waiting room, they got the news that they had indeed broken their knuckle. They were given a splint and a very, very thorough lecture on why they shouldn’t punch walls. They left, but didn’t go back to the hotel. They headed to the nearest shop, got a bottle of gin and headed back to their house. They just needed to be home and alone. 

The grey walls were lonely. The art on the walls did nothing to provide colour to the monochrome building, but they didn’t care. It was exactly how they liked it. They just preferred it when they weren’t alone. They sat down on the floor opposite the sofa - the sofa they’d spent hours on with Fandral, and opened the bottle of gin. 

How stupid were they? Of course the signs were there. Fandral was always with Amora. The skinny, pretty model who was a bitch, but she had a good reputation other than that. She wasn’t an embarrassment to be around. She partied, she was fun, and she was an up and coming model. People either wanted to be her or be with her. And what were they? A washed up waste of space. How could they have ever been optimistic about their future? Sure, an audition for Cabaret would’ve been great, but how unrealistic was it? 

Then there was Tony. How long was he going to stick around for? Sure, he didn’t go out partying, and he didn’t drink, but he was hot and he was talented. Loki was neither of those things. As Fandral said, they were getting fat and that essentially meant that their career was over. They hadn’t really noticed - they checked their measurements every week just to be safe and they hadn’t changed in months. Were they that delusional? If Mobius found out that they were dieting again then they’d be sent straight back to therapy, so they had to keep it quiet. Would Tony tell on them? Probably. Actually, there was no probably about it. He absolutely would. He was good. He tried to help. He thought he was being subtle but he wasn’t. Loki wasn’t an idiot either. 

It started with the distractions while they ate. A movie or a game, something to distract from food. Something to make it clear that Tony wasn’t watching what they ate. Then there was the whole not eating in public. He clocked onto that fast. Hiding calorie information on online websites while they were in England. Making sure that there were foods he’d seen Loki eat before on menus. He wasn’t subtle, but he never talked about it. He never mentioned it. It was something that they appreciated. Tony was such a good person. He didn’t deserve any of the bad things that had happened to him. He deserved the best and Loki wasn’t that, but they’d try to give it to him. They’d try their absolute best. 

Tony was everything Fandral wasn’t. He was good, kind, caring, compassionate and he was so, so patient with them. It made it harder to accept the fact that nothing would ever happen between them. God, they’d only been single for a matter of hours and they were already thinking about Tony. Not that that stopped them when they were with Fandral, but it felt even worse when they were newly single. How horrible were they? It was just another reason why they weren’t good enough for Tony. 

Why couldn’t they just be enough? If Fandral couldn’t even put up with them then why did they even hope that Tony could? Sure, he was patient, but how long would that last? Would he stay if he knew everything? Or would he use it to his advantage like Fandral had? Would they ever be enough for anyone? Or were they doomed to spend their entire life alone? No family, no friends, nothing. They’d brought it on themself. Their biological family left them when they were days old, they’d been too much for Odin and Thor, their own lack of self restraint killed their career. They could never do anything right. 

Maybe they should’ve succeeded in their attempts. How many times had they tried to kill themself? Five times? And they couldn’t even do that right. How pathetic. Even death rejected them. Wanted by no one. Maybe they’d be lucky with the sixth attempt. They had enough pills to do it. They couldn’t exactly do it in a messy way. Even in death, they wanted to look good. No scars, no bruises, nothing. 

Loki finally moved when they ran out of gin. They headed straight to the kitchen - as grey and cold as the rest of the place, and grabbed a bottle of vodka. They sat down against a counter. They didn’t have the energy to walk back to the living room. They didn’t even turn a light on. They opened the bottle of vodka and just drank. No, it was good that Tony wasn’t there to see that. They avoided drinking whenever they knew they’d be around Tony, but one night wouldn’t hurt. He’d never even know. No, he’d see a put together Loki, like he almost always did. Sure, he’d seen their anger, but that was a lapse. He’d never see it again. 

No, Loki had to be perfect. They had to be who everyone expected them to be. The calm, collected person who never let anyone get to them. The polite person who never got angry or sad. Someone who wasn’t hurt by society or angry at the world. Even then, they couldn’t get it right. 

They were too feminine, even when they tried to present more masculine. They were too thin, not built enough like Thor, but they were too fat. They were too pale, but they could never catch a tan. They tried fake tan once and their comment section was flooded with criticism. They were either too queer or not queer enough. Their hair was too long but when they cut it people didn’t stop complaining. People expected such conflicting things from them, but they were never allowed to want things for themself. 

When was the last time they got to decide something in their own life? They never chose to go into acting. They never chose to go into modeling. They never chose to give their own body away to older people to get jobs. They never chose to snort whatever they were given. They never chose what kind of thing they wore. They never chose their jobs. They couldn’t even choose their relationships, it seemed. Their entire life, they were just a passenger. Things were always just decided for them, and they had to be okay with it. 

“Loki?”

They frowned when they heard a voice. Why was someone in their house? The only people who knew where they lived were Fandral, Mobius and Verity, and the voice was too deep to be Verity’s, Fandral was in New York and Mobius was never around unless he could benefit from them. Maybe it was about the Cabaret audition. Too bad they weren’t going to go. 

“Loki, are you here?”

They didn’t reply. They saw the light flicker on from the hall, but they didn’t move. They didn’t make a sound. They took another swig from the bottle. They couldn’t see clearly enough to see how much was left. They winced when the kitchen light flickered on. Wasn’t it obvious that they wanted to be alone? 

“Lokes, how much have you had to drink?”

They looked up when the bottle was tugged from their grip. They went to protest, but when their eyes finally focused they noticed Tony was crouched down in front of them. Tony wasn’t meant to be there, and he wasn’t meant to see them like that. 

“I’m pretty sure it’s more than half a bottle of vodka,” he said. “How’s your hand?”

They held their left hand up in confusion, but then they saw the splint on their right hand. They laughed a little. “Mo-Mobius and Verity are going to- to be so pissed.”

They were a little too drunk to miss Tony’s hesitation. “You got it checked out.”

“You asked me to.” They said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Of course it was. Tony had asked, so Loki had done. They hesitated when they noticed the bottle of vodka in Tony’s hand. “No- you’re not supposed to have that- you’re not- supposed to be here-”

He got up and poured the vodka down the drain. That was good vodka. “Do you need a hand up?”

No. Well, yes, but they didn’t want to get up. It didn’t seem like they had a choice though. Tony held a hand out for them, but alarm bells just rang through their head. Tony didn’t like anyone touching his hands. No hand holding. Very big boundary. Well, not big, but big to Loki. Even drunk they wouldn’t dare cross it. They reached up to the counter for stability as they got up, and it took longer than they would’ve cared to admit for them to get up. 

When the room finally stopped spinning when they were standing, it was as if reality hit them like a truck. Tony was there. Tony was with them when they were drunk. When they were a mess. When they were themself. Why would he stick around after that?

“You’re going to have to lead the way to the bedroom,” Tony said. 

So that was what he wanted. Just like everyone else. Most people had the decency to give them the dignity of doing it sober. Then again, it didn’t seem too bad a price to keep Tony around. They’d given themself up for a lot less. Tony was worth it, but it would be better if he realised that they’d willingly do it sober. For Tony, they’d do anything. 

The stairs were a challenge, but they did it. Tony didn’t say anything about it. When they were finally in the bedroom, the forest green walls a little too colourful for their drunken gaze, it was as if autopilot took over. They gently grabbed Tony by the waist and luckily only stumbled a little. They went in for a kiss, only to be pushed back. 

“Lokes- you’re drunk.”

They pouted. “Tha- that doesn’t stop anyone.”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I’d rather all parties be sober and consenting. I came up here to make sure you get into bed.”

That didn’t make sense. “But- you- you’re here?”

“Yeah, to make sure you're okay." He paused. "Are you?"

They tried to nod, to smile, to be okay, but the tears fell anyway. Tony pulled them into a hug, and they held onto him as tightly as they could as they sobbed into his shoulder. Why were they such a mess? Why did they have to care about Fandral? Why did Amora have to be better than them? How come they were always the last choice? The person people were ashamed to be seen with? Then again, why was Tony there? Why had Tony gone to check on them? He didn't have to. 

"I'm so sorry, Lokes," he said quietly. "You don't deserve this. Fandral's such a dick- he was so lucky to have you, and he just threw you away. He's such an idiot."

They shook their head. "It's my fault."

"No," he replied quickly. "It's not your fault. He's a cheating asshole who only thinks about himself. You've done nothing wrong. You deserve so much better."

"But I love him."

Tony was quiet for a moment. "I know, but he doesn't deserve you. You deserve so much better than that shithead. Why don't you go to bed? You've got an early morning."

They groaned. "I'm not going."

"Yes, you are, or I'll be really fucking annoying for the rest of tour." He pulled away from the hug with a tight, yet teasing smile. He wiped their tears away with a gentle touch, and they blamed the alcohol for leaning into his touch. "I'll see you in the morning, okay? Yell if you need anything."

"You're not staying?" They asked.

"I'll be on the sofa."

"You can stay in here-"

He shook his head. "You're drunk, Lokes. I'm staying on the sofa. Just call me if you need anything, okay? I'll still be here."

They paused. "Okay. Thank you."

He smiled a little. "Goodnight, Lokes. Sleep well."

"'Night, Tony."