St*rfucker

Lo-Lo! I heard you’re in London. I’m there tomorrow - coffee? Would be lovely to catch up, still thinking about your insane walk at Milan! Lots of love - EDG xx

Shit. Loki sat up, their grip on their phone tight as their hands started to shake. What could they say? Part of them wanted to block his number and never think about him again, but En Dwi was such a big part of their career. Of their life. He was there when Odin started pushing them out. When they had no one, he was still there. He supported them. Then again, he wasn’t perfect. He started drugging them when they were fifteen, and encouraged them to use their body to get jobs at fourteen. Why would they go back to the person that caused most of their problems?

Loki took a deep breath as they stared at their phone. How could they reply? How did he even get their number? They’d changed it quite a few times since they’d left En Dwi’s company. Why was he even reaching out? Because they were becoming profitable again? That would be the only reason he’d even think about them. He only cared if there was money involved. Then again, they fought for En Dwi’s attention for years growing up, but they never got it. Not completely. If he was reaching out, then maybe they could finally get it. 

“Lokes?” 

They looked up, finding Tony standing in the doorway. They turned their phone off, not worrying about anything else that could come through. No, they needed some time to think after that text. Tony had gotten ready for the show already, in his black shirt that was tight enough to show the outline of his abs - not that Loki looked, of course - and blue jeans. Loki definite'y didn't look at him for too long, or ogled at his tattoos and wonder just what every single one of them meant, including the pen, the music notes, the cogs - they wanted to know everything. But they didn't look. Not at all. He raised a brow, his eyes still focused on them, lined by the usual smudged eyeliner. They forgot that he'd even spoken. Not that they had been ogling. Not at all.

“What’s up?” They asked. 

He raised a brow. “Are you okay?”

They nodded. “Fine. Why?”

“Just asking.” He shrugged. They turned their phone back on to find another text from En Dwi. God, he must’ve been desperate to have text twice. The only time he ever did that was when he was trying to intimidate Loki when they weren’t behaving the way he wanted them to. 

The cafe we used to go to is still open! Made a reservation for 11:30, see you there! - EDG xx

That decided it then. At least they had just over twelve hours.Tony sat next to them with a respectable amount of distance between them, and just sat on his phone. The rest of the band piled in, one by one, and all of them ignored how Tony complained that it was his dressing room, not the green room. They all fell into a comfortable silence until it was time for them to go on. They stayed in the dressing room for the performance. The thought of standing out there with the loud music and the screams - they couldn't do it. Sure, it was their first show on the tour and they should've shown their face, but they'd been in all the 'behind the scenes' photos and the things the band posted, so people knew that they were there. They even posted on their own instagram to prove that they were there, just to appease Mobius. They waited and waited and waited for Tony to come back, and when he did, he was shirtless and shining from sweat. Fuck. They didn't think that he could get any more beautiful, but fuck. He proved them wrong. He proved them wrong every single time, and it was starting to get irritating. 

“That was really good,” they told him. “Not that you need your ego inflated any more than it already is.”

He chuckled. “Thanks, Lokes. Means a bunch." He grabbed a towel and wiped his face down. "Fancy watching The Devil Wears Prada when we get back?”

They nodded. “Sounds good.”

--------------------------

Loki took their time to make sure they looked great. They got changed into some black leather trousers and a black sheet shirt, with a black corset with gold boning to go with it. They did their usual smokey eye with a gold inner corner, just to draw out how green their eyes were. They fixed their hair before they headed out, for once feeling completely and utterly confident in how they looked. En Dwi was often critical of their looks. Always had been. At the beginning, Loki understood it. They had absolutely no taste and En Dwi knew what was best. They had never doubted that. However, En Dwi hadn't taught them many good things, but how to keep up with fashion trends and how to work with their body were about the only good things he'd taught them. Loki had survived well enough without En Dwi, especially without his influence on their wardrobe, and they were going to prove that. 

The cafe looked exactly how they remembered it. White walls with silver accessories. Even the seats were still metal and the most uncomfortable contraptions to have ever been made. They found En Dwi sitting at one of the tables by the door. That was a good sign. If En Dwi sat by the door, he wanted him and the person he was with to be noticed. If he was in the back, then he didn’t want to be seen with whoever he was with. Loki had often fluttered between the two, but they didn't know what to make of the fact that En Dwi wanted to be seen by them. It made their heart race a little. They fought so much to be noticed by En Dwi when they were younger, to be his favourite, to prove that they were worthy, and there they were, years after being dropped by him, suddenly in his good graces again.

They sat down opposite En Dwi, who perked up when he saw them. “Lo-Lo! My god, you look fantastic. The septum ring even improves the nose! Not many people grow old in a good way, but you, Lo-Lo, you’re fantastic.”

They smiled. “Thank you.”

“Still the same order? Black coffee?” He asked. He didn't wait for a response, he just gestured to the cup of coffee opposite him. “Great! So how’ve you been? You’re on tour at the moment, aren’t you? With that rock guy?”

“Yeah. Tony’s on a UK tour so I’m here with him,” they replied. “The first show was last night."

"Must be boring, just following him around," he said. "Are you with him for the entire tour? It's quite long."

They nodded. "It's a nice little break."

En Dwi hummed. "You've always had an interesting taste in people. So he just wants you to sit like a patient lap dog while he tours around? Show off how successful he is?"

Talking with En Dwi was often like a chess game. They'd seen it before, but they'd been a part of it more times than they could count. Loki wasn't sure what endgame En Dwi was working towards, but he was trying to back them into a corner somewhere, he was trying to get them into a checkmate, but they didn't know the pieces he was moving or what pieces he even had left. If En Dwi had called them for coffee, he wanted something, they just didn't know what. For the focus of the conversation to be on Tony? They didn't know where it was going but they knew they didn't like it.

"We don't get to spend much time together, and I've just been busy, so it's a nice break while I get to spend time with him." They shrugged. "He'd rather me work, I'm sure."

"Lo-Lo." They despised that name but they couldn't get enough of it - it meant that they were in En Dwi's good books. "You could be ruling the fucking planet right now. Why aren't you?"

They paused. "Because I don't want to?"

En Dwi laughed - it was the laugh he had when he thought the person he was talking to was wrong but in a cute way. Loki loathed it. "Since when has that not been your goal? Remember when you were on every billboard? Every advert? Every magazine? You couldn't scroll through any social media without seeing your face- or your body. Don't you miss it? You've got the momentum. Hell, you're the most in demand person I know of right now. I keep getting phone calls asking for you, and we don't even work together anymore. So if it's not your boyfriend stopping you, who is it? Because I don't think it's you either."

No one was stopping them, and they certainly weren't that in demand. They hadn't had a shoot offer in ages. They were only being offered walks because they were convenient and they were in the news again. Mobius had said that it was still quiet, that he wasn't getting much for them, so either he was lying or En Dwi was. Mobius had never lied to them before, whereas they didn't think there were enough fingers in the world to be able to count the amount of times En Dwi had lied to them. "It's just a lot to acclimatise to again."

"Well, Lo-Lo, you won't be young forever, so you need to act fast if you're going to do anything," he said. "That boyfriend of yours is doing wonders for you, though. I know you like the 'stone-cold-ice-queen' shtick, but no one else does. He really humanises you. Makes you seem- I don't know. Like one of them."

Loki really didn't enjoy the way he was saying 'boyfriend'. "One of them?"

"You know- the normal people. The ones who want to be you," he replied. "I was skeptical at first. Self-admitted alcoholic with a hot temper? I thought it was game over for you, but I did some digging. He's a nice guy, all in all. Good heart. Smart, too. Could've done anything, but decided to join a band."

Of course En Dwi had looked into Tony. Sure, it was an innocent enough comment, but Loki knew him well enough to see the thinly veiled threat underneath it. He'd looked into Tony's past, he'd looked for anything he could, and if he was making it known, he'd found something. "Yeah. He's really good. He's- he's just great." It also meant that En Dwi had probably found their contract. Well, there was no point in pretending. "Want to gloat that you were right?"

"Oh, Lo-Lo, I always knew I was right, I didn't need to snoop to know that it was a PR relationship." There was that laugh again. "Please, it was so obvious. I mean- it really didn't surprise me when I found out I was right. Didn't surprise me when I realised that despite your act, the whole human thing you've got going on, you haven't changed."

"Haven't I?"

"You hurt someone just to get your career back." He shrugged. "You hurt the person you allegedly love, just because you wanted a chance at the success you had with me. I don't know. You're the same Loki I raised you to be."

"You didn't raise me," they replied.

He raised a brow. "Odin handed you to me the moment I signed you, and Frigga- she only agreed to see you, what? Twice a year? I may not have been your parent, but I had a hand in who you are today. I've got to say- I'm quite proud of you. I mean- I've seen you being mean and ruthless, but to agree to a PR relationship while you're in a relationship? Harsh."

They froze. "How do you know?"

He grinned. "I'm in the process of signing Fandral Smith. You might want to talk to him about how honest he is. You probably don't want him talking to anyone else about that."

So that was the game they were playing. En Dwi just wanted to dangle information in front of them knowing that they couldn't do anything about it. "That's why you called me here?"

En Dwi's eyes widened. "What? No! No, why would I waste my time over something so trivial? No- I could just text you to tell you that I'm proud of you- ruthless heart and all. No, I thought we could catch up. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

En Dwi was proud of them? For what? Hurting Fandral? Putting their career over Fandral's feelings? Actually, that wasn't surprising. That was the kind of thing En Dwi would've been proud of. No, Loki was surprised to just hear the words from his mouth. He very rarely told Loki that he was proud of them, he held those words until Loki was almost broken, ready to comply with anything En Dwi asked of them, just to solidify the fact that he had total control over them. Hearing that En Dwi was proud of them- they hated how much it affected them. They hated how happy and excited it made them, they hated how much they craved the validation, they hated how it made them feel sixteen again - lost and alone, desperate for En Dwi's approval that was almost impossible to get. 

"You dropped me and then stopped answering any texts," they said, and they were proud of themself for how calm their voice was. "You want to claim that you raised me? You dropped me the moment I wasn't useful to you anymore. You abandoned me when I needed someone the most. Why do you think I give a shit about anything you do? That you're proud of me? Why do you think I'd want to catch up?"

They weren't going to admit that En Dwi being proud of them meant quite a lot to them. He didn't need to know that. He also didn't need to know that despite the many, many therapy sessions Mobius had forced them to go to when he first signed them that really solidified that En Dwi was an awful presence in their life and that he was beyond manipulative, there was a part of Loki that was ecstatic that En Dwi wanted to spend time with them, to catch up, and to be seen with them. God, that was fucked, wasn't it?

"Lo-Lo, it's just the way this world is. If I kept you, you would've lost me money. You would've made me look bad. It's nothing personal," he said. "Anyway, I was thinking- I've got my hands full at the moment, I've got too many people and not many of them have the natural talent that you have, Lo-Lo. I could make room for you, if you wanted. I just thought that if I sign you back- you wouldn't be following Tony around on tour. You'd be doing your own thing again. I don't know. I don't know if I'd be able to fit you in, but if you were interested- I can see what I can do."

En Dwi wanted to sign them? They couldn't go back to that. They couldn't risk going through all of that again. They didn't think they'd survive it again. Between the drugs, the constant pressure, the comparisons- it wasn't worth it. Not when their life was starting to mean something again. Not when they finally had friends who cared about them, and friends that they cared about. As much as they wanted to reach the height of fame En Dwi could've given them, they weren't stupid. Signing with him meant losing Tony, and they couldn't do that.

"I'm tied to Mobius for the next two years. Sorry." They shrugged. "Thanks, though."

"Shame," he said. There was something about that that made a shiver run down their spine. "Maybe we'll chat again about it sometime. I've got to head off to a meeting- signing a new one- she's fifteen, but the talent she has- she's almost as good as you were, way back when." He got up, his smile never faltering. "I'll see you around, Lo-Lo."

Loki didn't watch him leave. The moment the door closed, they raced to the bathroom and reached the toilet in time to not miss it when they threw up what little contents they had in their stomach. Fuck. The game hadn't started. It was just En Dwi making them sweat. He laid out some of the cards he had, and Loki had nothing. Whatever his endgame was, he was going to get it. En Dwi always got what he wanted, no matter the wreckage he left behind. Why tell them about the fact he was signing someone new? To make them jealous? To show that they couldn't protect her when they were just an outsider to it all? En Dwi had always hated the fact they tried to protect the younger ones he signed from everything he'd put them through. From the critiques about their bodies, starving them, passing their bodies around for jobs, the drugs, the alcohol - they couldn't stop it. Why did they ever think that they could? They were one person, one powerless person, and En Dwi knew it. En Dwi knew how much they hated it, he knew how much they wanted to stop it, but they couldn't. He was signing another young person whose life would be ruined, and they couldn't help. No one would help her. No one cared. No one cared when it was them. Hell, everyone could see what was going on. Everyone around them knew exactly what was going on, but no one helped them. No one even spoke up about it. No one tried to help. Odin and Thor just wiped their hands of them the first moment they could.

They got up onto shaky legs and rinsed their face with cold water. They couldn't do anything. Nothing would ever change, no matter what they did. The world kept turning, so they had to keep going. They had to keep going. They headed over to the arena, after finding a text from Tony saying that he'd been called into another rehearsal. The walk wasn't far, but between the too-loud-chatter in the streets, the constant waves of people that were unrelenting and the fact that everything seemed so hot yet so cold at the same time while somehow feeling so far away - it felt like a long walk. They showed their card at the stage door, but the staff were used to them by that point. The stage was quiet - there wasn't any sound coming from there. They made their way over to Tony's dressing room, even though they weren't sure if they wanted to be around people. Then again, Tony wasn't people. He was Tony, and Loki just needed Tony.

"Hey." They tried to hide their fright as they turned around to face the voice behind them. Clint was standing there, and it still caught them off guard seeing Clint dressed so casually. Just in joggers and a jumper, he looked like a normal person, not like he was in an up-and-coming band that was taking the world by storm. He was fidgeting with a bottle of water in his hands, as if he was nervous. "Tony's in a singing lesson right now- I was just- can we talk?"

That didn't sound good. They nodded and followed Clint to his dressing room instead. It was more decorated than Tony's. Tony's dressing room was bare, with just a couple candles around - all of which were Loki's additions to the room. Clint's had photos on the table, of him and a woman. They both looked close, both looked happy in the photos. Then they saw the wedding photo. Clint was in a jet black suit with a purple tie, and the bride was in a beautiful white dress that reached the floor, the lace detailing coating her arms and trailing down her body in the most graceful way. They both looked so happy. Was that what a couple was meant to look like?

"Laura, my wife. She's- she's beautiful," Clint said from behind them. Even though he was behind them, they could practically hear his smile through his words. "She's fucking great. She was meant to be here, but- she's pregnant and really- I mean- I almost pulled out of this tour. She says she's fine, but- and I'm sure she's fine, she knows her body and who am I to overstep that- but I'm worried- but anyway- she's pregnant! Really exciting- really scary, actually, but that's- anyway! We're having a girl, and- this is going to sound so stupid, but- I don't know the first thing about hair and I asked Natasha and she called me a fucking idiot, which I get, but- I want to be able to do her hair, y'know? Like- Laura works and I don't want her to be the only one who can look after our daughter and- I guess- feel free to tell me to fuck off, but can I practice on you, please?"

That was a lot of information to take in in such a short amount of time. When Loki had turned to look at Clint half way through the ramble, he was looking anywhere but at them, and his grip on the water bottle had tightened to the point where they were worried that it was going to break. It was nice that Clint trusted them, though. To be that open about his wife's pregnancy, and to trust them enough to ask if he could practice on their hair? It warmed their heart. They didn't think that Clint really liked them, so to have him ask that? It was nice. It was something they thought that friends would do.

"Yeah, absolutely," they replied. Clint's eyes widened as he looked at them in shock. "My hair's not the longest, though."

It was just past their shoulders - longer than they'd usually have it, they normally had it just above their shoulders, but if it would come in handy for Clint to practice hairstyles on them, they could deal with it being a bit longer than usual for a while.

"Really?" He asked. "Thank you- I mean- you have the longest hair out of anyone here- thank you, Loki."

"Want to start with a plait?" They asked. "I can talk you through it."

He nodded. "Yeah! Yeah, just- take a seat, I'll grab some bobbles." 

Loki took a seat on the floor in front of the sofa - not where Clint meant for them to sit, they knew, but it would be easier for him and they could scroll through their phone while he worked. The bobbles Clint grabbed were bright red, so they were for Natasha. It was quite sweet that he kept some for her. He walked over to the sofa and took a seat behind them. He did everything that Loki said, and after a few attempts, he got quite a good plait. He seemed quite daunted by a French plait, so Loki opted to hold off on that one. It was just nice hearing him talk, trusting them with information the public weren't privy to. Him and Laura had been together since they were fourteen, they got married a couple years back, she was coming to the end of her second trimester - Clint was going to pull out of the tour but she threatened to move out if he did something so stupid, which was apparently her exact wording. He trusted them with all that, like a friend, and that was enough to distract them from their morning. At least until they could go to Tony and just forget about the outside world for a bit, and just enjoy his company. Until then, they could spend time with their friend, and that was something they never thought they'd ever get to do.