I Want The Fireworks
It had gotten to the point where Loki really had to wonder if they’d made the right decision. Fandral was out with Amora, like he always was, so at least they didn’t have him to contend with. They just didn’t know how to celebrate Tony’s sobriety when they’d only recently relapsed. They’d relapsed and they couldn’t even remember it. Worse yet, their boyfriend was the one that had encouraged it. They didn’t even know what they’d taken. Not really. They just had to be grateful that Mobius hadn’t found out. It was written into their contract. One relapse and they were out. A failsafe for Mobius’s company. They understood that. They just didn’t like it.
Tony was a year sober. Doing fantastically in his career. Loved by fans. Had friends. Had people that genuinely cared about him. He didn’t care what people thought about him. He was unapologetically himself. In a way, he was everything that Loki envied. He was free. Something they couldn’t really be. It made it easier to hate him. He was everything they weren’t. He had everything they didn’t. He was happy.
They sighed as they fixed their hair. They didn’t know why they were trying. They’d taken their makeup off and had dressed a bit more casual in a grey jumper and black dungarees, but they didn’t want to look a complete mess. Just in case someone saw them in the corridor, they needed to look presentable. Especially after the day they’d had.
The walk to Tony’s room wasn’t long. He was just at the other end of the hall. The moment they knocked they were let in. Tony didn’t hesitate to let them in. Trust. The room was a mess, but it was exactly how Loki expected it to be. Clothes and shoes were thrown everywhere, and very little of the floor could be seen. Nevertheless, they didn’t say anything as they walked over to the sofa.
“So- is there anything off the table food-wise?” Tony asked, taking Loki by surprise. He normally took any moment he could to take the piss out of Loki’s eating habits.
“No, whatever you fancy,” they replied. “Thank you, though.”
Tony thought for a moment. “Okay.” He opened his phone before he handed it to Loki. “This place looks interesting.”
It was definitely interesting. A burger place, similar to the ones they used to go to with Odin, Frigga and Thor as a treat. When they would try to be a normal family. They hadn’t gone somewhere like that since. En Dwi didn’t let them, and it was just a habit they hadn’t broken. Especially after a show. They had to look their best. Then again, they couldn’t remember the last time they ate and they didn’t have anything booked for two months.
The place had fantastic vegan options. Clearly Tony had looked. He’d cared enough to check. No one else ever did. They added a random burger to the basket before they handed the phone back over to Tony, who didn’t say anything about their order. Something was off, they noticed, but they put it down to the date.
“I’ve got a few movie ideas, just let me know which is best for you,” Tony said without looking up from his phone.
The TV was on with a couple movies lined up into a playlist. The Grand Budapest Hotel, Aladdin, Spiral, No Time to Die, Fight Club, Jurassic Park. It was a tough competition between The Grand Budapest Hotel and Spiral , but eventually they settled on the latter. They didn’t want anything sentimental, and Spiral was fun.
They saw Tony raise a brow when he looked up from his phone. “Didn’t take you as a horror fan.”
“Scream is my comfort movie, and Saw is my second favourite horror franchise,” they replied. “I love horror movies.”
“Google said your favourite movie’s Big Hero 6. ”
“That’s one of my favourite movies. I just don’t talk about how I’m a horror fan because people fucking hate child stars growing up, and odds are they’ll compare me to Buffalo Bill from TheSilence of the Lambs.” They shrugged. “What I put out into the world isn’t really who I am. I don’t like the idea of a bunch of people seeing me for who I am. It’s like a whole level of privacy gone. And I’m really fucking unlikeable so I just- pretend when I’m outside.”
Tony was quiet for a moment. “The more we talk the more I think you should go to therapy.”
Loki chuckled. “You sound like a therapy advert.”
“I’ve been going for a year. Actually helps, which I wasn’t expecting,” he said. “I mean- I started in rehab, technically, but I hated it. My main focus there was getting sober, which I wanted to do but still didn’t, if that makes sense? But then I decided that I should stick to it. See if it was any different than in there, and I found a good therapist. Still going after a year.”
They hesitated. “I went every time I was in rehab, but I was always in there against my will. Even the last time. I fucking hated it. Mobius said I had to go there and stay clean if he was going to sign me, and- I’d never had anyone believe in me before. He genuinely believed that I could do it. Get clean and get my shit together. I didn’t want to disappoint him.”
Tony smiled a little. “He seems nice.”
“He is. He’s great.” They looked down. “He’s the only person who hasn’t given up on me.”
He raised a brow. “I won’t. Now that I’m seeing the real you, because you’re actually quite likeable and I’ll never say that again.”
They chuckled. “I’ll hold you to that.”
“Don’t get me wrong, you can be an absolute dickhead,” he said, “but I know that sometimes you just have to be.”
“You’re not bad either,” they replied. “Now come on, I want to watch some shitty people get killed.”
He snorted. “I really never expected you to like gory movies.”
“I don’t care for the gore. Not hugely. I just like Saw.” They shrugged. “I would never survive a trap, though. I’d just die.”
He rolled his eyes. “That absolutely doesn’t surprise me. God forbid you get any scar or anything that would ruin your looks.”
“Now you’re getting it.” They chuckled. “And I’m awful with pain like that. I wouldn’t put myself through more pain if I was just going to die.”
“Loki, every time you speak you’re just convincing me that you need therapy,” he said.
They snorted. “I’m fine. Stop with your therapy cult shit.”
“God, you’re insufferable.” He rolled his eyes as he settled down on the sofa next to Loki. They focused their gaze on the screen, avoiding Tony’s gaze. “Wouldn’t you at least fight?”
They shook their head. “I’d be worthless if I was scarred. Anyway- we all have to die. What’s the point in prolonging the inevitable?”
There was a beat. “If I lost my voice- I think I get where you’re coming from. I mean- what am I without my voice? I’d lose my career. But I’d still have my friends.”
“They seem loyal.”
He nodded. “They are. We fight. We fight a lot, but we’re like a family. We always make up in the end. They’re just- they’re great. Plus they tell me if I’m shit.”
They raised a brow. “As if you could ever be shit.”
“Oh, I’ve written some shit,” he replied. “I’ve started writing the new album and they’re open about how shit some of the songs are.”
“Play me one.”
That seemed to catch Tony’s attention. They looked at him to find him staring at them with wide eyes. They raised a brow and gestured to the guitar in the corner of the room, but didn’t break eye contact. No, Tony was captivating to watch, and he had such a way with words. Tony’s writing was brilliant, and it was something that Loki couldn’t get enough of. To see someone use music to release their soul into the world, it was something Loki would never get used to.
Tony finally relented. Loki didn’t let him leave their gaze. The way he toyed with his necklace as he walked was something they couldn’t help but focus on. He was usually so confident with his music, but there was something different. He was more insecure. Something Loki had never seen in him. It was personal, they realised. To play a song that didn’t have a crowd of people fawning over with just a guitar and no band to cover him.
Tony settled down on the sofa again, his guitar clutched in his hand. Loki didn’t let him out of their sight, and that only seemed to make Tony squirm more. It was fun to watch, in a way. Loki was used to having that effect on people, but Tony wasn’t people. No, he was different.
Soon, he started to pluck the strings and his body relaxed as the music played. Tony was normally confident when he performed, a jumping ball of energy around the stage, but seeing him play alone in a hotel room was much more intimate. It was a privilege, Loki realised.
“When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I’d never sing of love if it does not exist
But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exce-”
Tony’s phone started to ring which cut him off. Loki was almost grateful. The song was so personal, made even more so by it just being the two of them in the room. Tony really was bearing his soul out to them, and Loki wasn’t completely sure how to react to that.
“I- Uh- food’s here,” Tony said as he set the guitar down. “I’ll just- I’ll go get it.”
He was gone in an instant. Loki swore that he almost tripped over nothing trying to scramble out the door. He’d just bared his soul and Loki almost didn’t go because they were too wrapped up in their own shit and they were still soenvious of Tony’s life. Of his happiness.
They picked up the guitar, finding familiarity in it despite the fact they hadn’t played in a few years. It came in handy for a while until En Dwi stopped humouring them. Sure, they could sing, they'd done a few musicals as a kid, but it was easy for things to go wrong when starting a singing career while already established and En Dei didn't want to take that risk. They strummed a few chords, but it was more muscle memory than anything. Frigga had spent hours teaching them how to play guitar, sat by the fire the entire time for warmth. They didn't think that they'd ever pick up a guitar again, let alone find solace in music again. Tony kept reminding them about the small things in life that brought them joy at some point in their life.
"I want the fireworks," they sung, not quite thinking about the words, more focused on what Tony had sung just seconds before.
"I want the softest words
I want what you deserve
And to unlearn my hurt
I guess I've got the time to lose my mind
Another thousand times to get it right
It's what I want and all I need
And all I think about is where you might be-"
"Can you please just be shit at something?"
Loki looked up to find Tony in the doorway with the bags of food in his hand. His eyes were wide and focused on them, with a grin plastered on his face. They set the guitar down by the side of them, as if they'd been caught with the worst thing in the world doing the worst thing in the world. How could they have let their guard down that much to have not noticed Tony come in? Or even just come down the hall? God, they were such an idiot.
"Sorry- I just- I haven't played in a while," they said.
He rushed over to their side. "No! Oh my god- you're good. Like- I know you've been in musicals but that's- I really didn't think into that that much. Do you write songs?"
They shook their head. "I don't know what that was."
"That's the next song for my album if you're not going to use it." He pulled the cartons of food out of the bag and set them all on the table. Burgers, chips, onion rings, corn on the cob - he'd gone all out. "Eat, let's workshop this because that's fucking insane."
"Tony, you really don't have to-"
"Are you going to use it?"
"No."
"Can I? Because that would make a fucking insane bridge- like- imagine the beat- maybe with the emphasis on the off beat- maybe a bit heavy on the bass but with- either an acoustic or a harp- I don't know, I'll figure that out later-" He grabbed a notebook and scribbled down what they'd sung. "The drums can be like the fireworks-"
To see Tony work was something Loki knew they were lucky to see. They couldn't imagine that many people got to see Tony like that. So excited about some words and a melody, and how instruments could come together to further a story. God, he was wonderful. The way his eyes lit up and his hands kept moving the more he talked, expressing his excitement. How fast he spoke, as he was speaking his ideas as they came to him. They were watching an artist work, and they were beyond lucky to see that. He grabbed the guitar and started playing through some chords - the ones Loki had played, and Tony just knew the sound of them well enough to pick up exactly what chord they played and where, and put a spin on it. Some plucking throughout the chords, drawing out each note to bring out the vulnerability of the words. He was brilliant. There was no doubt about it.
"I'm going to play, just- sing words as you think them. No judgement- trust me, I've written some shit before, so there's no judgement. Just- say shit."
They were going to kill Tony. That was a given. They watched Tony as he played, as his head swayed to the beat and his foot tapped the floor to keep time. They were so focused on the music - not anything else. It was as if the world had stopped around him. As if nothing else mattered because he had his guitar. Loki knew that he was talented, but just seeing his passion was heartwarming. It was a sight not many people got to see, and they knew that they were privileged to see it.
"Practice your passion on me,
Give me your hundred degrees,
I'll die off whenever you need
An afternoon just to breathe."
Tony's smile as they sung was radiant. It brightened the entire room. He played another round of the chords and his brows furrowed, as if he was mulling over what he'd just heard.
"Soon everyone will be gone,
They'll forget my albums
I hope you'll be here when it's done
And I'm crying over it all, yeah."
The way he could just come up with that was beyond Loki. How he could think of a matching structure in two counts of eight and come out with the most beautiful words. Tony Stark was many things, talented, impressive and captivating were just three of them. He changed up the chord progression, and after a couple attempts at finding another structure he deemed good enough, he kept playing.
"And all I think about is where you might be
And when I'm swallowed down,
I'd say it's for you
I'd say it's for you, yeah."
They surprised themself with that one, and judging by Tony's wicked grin as he finally looked at them, they'd surprised him to. He set the guitar down to the side to write it all down. His handwriting was quite messy, but he was writing fast and just getting all of those ideas out. He was almost frantic, focused on just that. As if he'd struck gold.
"My fucking god, that's got to be our first single. Like- fucking hell, Lokes." He set the pen down. "You're insane."
They raised a brow. "You did the hard work. I just gave you a few ideas."
He threw a chip at them. "Stop being humble."
"Did you just throw a chip at me?"
"Oh, you fucking Brit, it's a fry, now fucking eat." He grinned as he shoved a couple of 'fries' in his mouth. They rolled their eyes but still ate a couple chips. "I've been struggling with this album a bit. I just felt like I'd hit a wall, but that was what I needed. Thank you."
They smiled a little. "You didn't finish playing me the song you wrote."
"Then you'll have to wait for it like everyone else." He smirked. "That one was- I was up all night when we first got here. It just came out. I haven't even sent the guys the demo yet."
"So I'm the first to hear it?" They asked. "I'm honoured."
"As you should be," he replied. "Not everyone gets private Tony Stark shows."
"I'll count myself lucky." They took a bite of the burger, and they had to give it to Tony, he knew how to find good food. "When did you realise that you wanted to go into music?"
He shrugged. "I think I've always known. Like- I had piano lessons as a kid and it was the only thing I'd focus on. Then I learned guitar, then bass- I tried drums but I'm sort of shit at them. Then I met Nat, Steve and Clint at school and we just bonded. We jammed together a lot, then we just- decided to make it a thing."
"You're a natural at it. Writing, playing, performing. You're great," they said. "It's been a while since I got into music, but- yeah."
"I'll take that as a compliment." He grinned. "Dad wasn't happy, but- I can't be a lawyer. I'd be shit at it. I like music and music likes me, and that's what I'm doing."
"What's the band up to after the next tour?" They asked.
He shrugged. "Working on the album. Think we might take some time. Touring's nice, but Clint's got married life to settle into and Steve's trying to get his shit together- Nat's got her own side projects. We might take our time on the album then release it when we're ready. We've got a couple things coming up- headlining Download in the summer, doing When We Were Young after that, doing a couple award shows, but short-term things. It'll be nice to just- relax."
They smiled a little. "That sounds good."
"Who knows. I might go to a few fashion shows." He grinned. "Turns out they're quite interesting if the right people do them."
Fuck. Maybe they were reading a little too much into that. Why would Tony say something like that about them? No, they were definitely reading too much into it. It was fine. Everything was fine. They checked their phone to see if Fandral had messaged, but he was still out. The headlines around him were the usual ones. 'Fandral Smith and Amora Jones out partying - new relationship in the works?' Fandral had insisted that it was nothing, just random rumours that people created because they were bored, but headlines like that kept cropping up. That didn't mean that it was true, though. It didn't give them the right to sit there and have a good evening with Tony just because Fandral was out with Amora. No, that wasn't okay.
“I should probably head back,” they said.
“Yeah- yeah, okay,” Tony replied. “Thanks for tonight. It’s been- it’s been really good.”
They smiled a little. “No worries. Maybe we can do this again when I hit a sobriety milestone.”
He raised a brow. “When’s that?”
“Five months to hit the half a year mark,” they replied. “It’s fine. It’s just annoying to do it all again.”
He could sense Tony’s frown. “I’m sorry. It’s- it’s really shit and I’m sorry you’re going through it again.”
They shrugged. “Shit happens.”
Tony was suspiciously quiet for a moment. “Fancy watching Big Hero 6? ”
They looked at Tony. “Why?”
“Because I’m getting the vibe that you’re maybe a little sad and I want to help?” He shrugged. “You’ve done a lot for me, Lokes. Let me return the favour.”
They hesitated. What would Fandral say? He didn’t know that they were with Tony, but it wouldn’t be hard to figure it out. He was probably back from his night out with Amora, so Loki couldn’t exactly deny the fact that they’d gone out. That they’d spent the night with Tony. It wasn’t even an ‘acceptable’ reason either. Then again, it would end in an argument either way. Why not prolong the inevitable?
“Yeah. Okay. Yeah.” They smiled a little. “But just one more movie.”
Tony nodded. “Yeah, absolutely, but I’m moving to the bed. You joining?” He clearly didn’t miss their hesitation. “I will even build a pillow wall between us if it makes you feel any better.”
They chuckled a little. “Yeah, okay. No need for the wall, though.”
Loki moved to the bed just as Tony had settled under the covers. The movie was already playing, but it was mainly noise in the background. They stayed on the other side of the bed, keeping a respectable amount of space between them and Tony. They were with Fandral, after all. Even if there were troubles in their relationship, they were loyal. Nothing would change that. Not even a new friend that Loki hadn’t quite predicted.
When was the last time they had a friend? A true, real friend? Not someone who used them for their place in the world, but someone who seemed to enjoy their company. Someone who seemed to care about them, despite everything. Mobius was paid to put up with them, as was Verity. Tony didn’t have to put up with them in private, but he did. He was a friend, and Loki wasn’t completely sure how to handle that. They’d never had a friend before. The last thing they wanted to do was to ruin it. They couldn’t lose Tony. No, they would do anything to keep his friendship. Maybe something good was actually going to come from their fake relationship. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t a curse after all.