St*rfucker

Loki opened their eyes to find their head resting on Tony’s shoulder. His hands were still in their hair and he was staring right back at them. They didn’t want to look away. Tony’s eyes were glowing under the light that seeped in through the curtains, with flickers of gold that deepened the hazel. God, he was something else. His smile was contagious, and Loki couldn't help but smile back as they looked at him. His hair was a little messy after the couple hours sleep they had, but it made him look less guarded. Less like he was a performer, not so much Tony Stark, but just Tony. 

“I don’t remember falling asleep,” Tony said. 

They smiled a little. “Neither do I.”

“Our flight’s not for another few hours.” He raised a brow. “Any plans?”

“Going to spend some time with Fandral. He’s going back to London next week but I probably won’t see him for a while,” they replied. “He’s busy. It’s- it’s good.” 

He grinned. “Then we’ll have to be extra busy on tour.”

They chuckled. “I’m not writing any more songs.”

“That’s an absolute fucking waste. You’re fantastic at it.” He rolled his eyes. “You’re fucking irritating, you know. You’re fit as fuck, you’re a really good model, you’re a fantastic songwriter and even better singer- can you be shit at something?”

They grinned. “I’m shit at swimming.”

“Can you be shit at something that I’m not also shit at?” He chuckled. “Cooking?”

“I’m actually quite a decent cook, I just hate doing it,” they replied. “Pottery?”

“Who the fuck is good at pottery?”

They thought for a moment. “I would say sobriety but you’re quite good at that.”

He choked on nothing. “Okay- that’s a fucking turn.”

They snorted. “I’m not wrong though.”

“Considering you were offered it when really fucking drunk, it wasn’t exactly your fault,” he replied. “How about building?”

They raised a brow. “You think I’ve ever built anything in my life?”

“Okay, maybe I’ve got a head start on you then,” he replied. 

“Chess?” They asked. 

He raised a brow. “You think I’ve ever played chess?”

“Maybe I could teach you.” They shrugged. “It’s quite fun.”

“You want to play chess on tour?” He asked. 

“Maybe it’ll be fun,” they replied. “And who knows, you might be better than me.”

“I will absolutely not be better at chess than you, but sure.” 

They smiled as they looked at Tony, who was staring right back at them. There was something in his eyes, but Loki couldn’t place it. Nothing negative, they didn’t think. No, they were used to being looked at with hate, disdain, pity and anger, but Loki couldn’t place the emotions locked behind Tony’s eyes. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without makeup before,” Tony said, his voice quiet. “You’re really fucking pretty.”

They smiled a little. “Thank you, but I feel really fucking naked without it.”

“Considering we both know you have no qualms about being naked around people, I doubt that that’s a bad thing,” he replied with a grin. 

They chuckled. “Prick.”

“I’m not wrong though, am I?” He asked. 

They shook their head. “No. I guess it’s more being vulnerable than being naked.”

He smiled a little. “You don’t have to hide around me, Lokes. You don’t need a mask. I like you for who you are.”

“I’m a dick.”

“Yeah, but in case you’re forgetting, I quite like a dick,” he replied. 

They couldn’t help but laugh at that. It took a moment for Tony to join in, but when he did neither of them could stop. It was such a shit joke, Loki knew that, but that didn’t matter. There was something so charming about Tony and his sharp sense of humour. Something Loki couldn’t get enough of. 

Loki only stopped laughing when their phone went off. They checked it and any sense of joy they’d had only moments before had disappeared. Of course it couldn’t last. They were stupid to think that it could. 

Where are you? I’ve been back for hours and haven’t even heard from you

Oh god. They hadn’t forgotten about Fandral. No, they could never forget about Fandral. They’d just avoided telling him where they were. They thought that they’d have been back before him, but clearly that hadn’t worked out. 

“I need to go,” they said as they got up, ignoring the part of them that longed to be back in Tony’s arms. “I’ll see you at the airport?”

“Uh- yeah- yeah, I’ll see you there,” Tony stammered in reply. “Have fun with him.”

Loki headed back to their hotel room, just down the hall from Tony’s. They ignored the want they felt in their bones that begged for them to go back. To run back to Tony. Safety. Tony was safety and that was something Loki had never had before. They took a deep breath before they finally opened the door to their room. Fandral was pacing, something he never normally did. He was normally calm and collected. Not panicky like he was coming off to be in that moment. 

“Sorry- I fell asleep,” they said once the door was closed. 

Fandral raised a brow. “Where were you?”

“Tony- Tony needed someone so I watched a film with him,” they replied. “I fell asleep and- yeah. Sorry, I was meant to text you.”

“He needed someone?”  

“Fandral, I know you don’t understand sobriety but it’s a really shit thing,” they said. “He needed someone and honestly- so did I.”

He frowned. “You didn’t tell me that.”

“You left.” They shrugged. “I didn’t see you at all yesterday.”

“I heard about the show though.” He smiled a little. “You did good.”

They raised a brow. “But you were too busy with Amora to see for yourself.”

“I’m sorry- she was just upset. She’d lost a job and she needed someone,” he replied. 

“She’s not your partner.” They shook their head. “Or is she? You spend more time with her than me.”

He frowned. “I’m not the one in a fake relationship.”

“If that’s such a problem for you then leave.”

There was a moment of silence between them. “What?” Fandral finally asked. 

“You hate me. So just leave.” They looked at Fandral, ignoring the tears that stung their eyes. “Let’s not drag this on if you’re so fucking done with me.”

“Loki, no.” He walked over to them. “I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you- this whole thing is just hard for me and I’m sorry that I’m taking it out on you. I’ve been such a fucking idiot- I don’t- Loki, I can’t lose you. I love you. I really fucking do.”

They hesitated. “You have a shit way of showing it.”

“I do. I really do and I’m so fucking sorry.” He reached for their hand and they didn’t pull away. “Loki, I love you. I’ve just fucked up, and I can’t- I don’t know how to make it up to you. If I can, even. But I’m willing to try if you’d let me. I want to give you the world and more, but only if you’ll let me. Because I love you. I love you so fucking much. Please, let me fix this.”

Was there anything left to fix? Where was it even coming from? Loki had gone through worse than what Fandral had put them through, so why the sudden change? Tony had shown them what they could have. That they didn’t have to be scared around everyone. That they could be complimented. Treated like a human. Not hidden away and insulted every single day. They could be themself and that wasn’t a bad thing. Then again, things had only gone rocky with Fandral since Tony came into the picture. Before then, they didn’t argue. Sure, Fandral misgendered them and pressured them to do things they didn’t exactly want to do, but they didn’t argue. They actually felt loved. 

“Yeah. Fine. Okay.” They looked at Fandral. “One last chance.”

Fandral grinned. “Thank you- you won’t regret it. I’ll be better, I promise.”

They just nodded. Were they making a mistake by giving him another chance? They weren’t sure. If they lost Fandral then they lost everyone, and they weren’t ready for that. Not yet. They didn’t protest when Fandral pulled them closer, or when he pulled them into a kiss. They didn’t stop him when his hands started running down his body. They couldn’t remember the last time they’d had sex. Well, they knew when, but they couldn’t remember it. 

They followed his lead to the bed. They tilted their head when Fandral started kissing their neck, giving him a bit more room. They didn’t react to Fandral whispering love confessions between kisses and bites. They just closed their eyes and opted to enjoy the moment - to take control for once and let it happen because they wanted to, not because someone else wanted it to happen. 

They were taking control of their life back, and no one was going to stop them.  

------------------

“I wouldn’t mention it, but considering people are going to think it’s me that tried to cannibalise your fucking neck, I really have to mention it.”

Fandral had a lot to answer for. Considering they’d fucked so much that Loki didn’t have time to put concealer on their neck, yeah, Fandral had a lot to answer for. Considering he found the entire situation quite funny, Loki was going to have to get their own back. 

“Tony, I really don’t think it needs explaining,” they replied. 

He raised a brow. “Loki, I can barely see any skin through those fucking hickeys.”

“Then people are going to think that you’re a very passionate lover. Is that a problem?” They asked. 

“Oh my god- people are going to go wild with this.” He groaned. “Is that how you’ve spent your afternoon?”

They raised a brow. “Getting fucked into oblivion repeatedly? Yeah. It was quite nice. How was your afternoon?”

“Loki, I’m really glad you have a very active sex life, but couldn’t you at least hide them with makeup?” He asked. 

They shrugged. “I tried, but I ran out of time.”

He fake gagged. “You’re actually something else.”

“Considering I’m away from Fandral for a month at least, I thought I’d make the most of it.” They shrugged. “You never answered my question.”

“Yeah, my very PG afternoon was lovely. I watched some movies and had a nap,” he replied. “Fucking hell, Loki.”

“Maybe you’re just jealous because you don’t think you’ll ever be able to do something this good,” they said. 

He raised a brow. “Is that a challenge?”

“If we weren’t sitting on a plane right now and I wasn’t in a monogamous relationship, then it absolutely would be,” they replied with a grin. 

He snorted. “Yeah, sounds like you think you’ll lose if you challenge me.”

“No, I just can’t challenge you at this exact moment.” They shrugged. “Maybe next time.”

He raised a brow. “So things are good between you and Fandral?”

They smiled a little. “Yeah. We talked, and things are actually really good.”

For the first time in a while, it felt true. Things were maybe going to be okay between them. Fandral listened. He actually listened to what they had to say. He’d never done that before. Maybe things were changing for the better. That sparked excitement into Loki like they’d never felt before.

Tony didn’t reply, but Loki didn’t push. They understood that Tony was apprehensive over Fandral. They would’ve appreciated the concern if it wasn’t so misplaced. No, Fandral was good. He’d just been put under a lot of stress. They sat back in the seat, praying that the flight wouldn’t take too long. It was only meant to be two hours, but even that could feel like years. Especially when they didn’t want to go. They didn’t want to leave Fandral’s side. They hadn’t felt so loved in years. They felt like they actually had a purpose, but they were being forced to go on another tour. Would it even be fun? Probably not. At least it was only a month long. That was vaguely manageable. 

The flight wasn’t awful, and neither was the car ride to the hotel. They had to share a room with Tony again, but that didn’t seem as bad as it used to. Loki hadn’t slept as well as they did with Tony in years. They actually felt vaguely refreshed. Besides, Tony had rehearsals in London for a bit which gave Loki the freedom to go around on their own or even go home. They weren’t meant to, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t. 

The hotel wasn’t awful. Whoever booked it had good taste. Their room was big. Bigger than the one in Milan. The beige walls flowed under the warm lights, and the curtains blocked out the majority of the streetlights outside. The bed was king sized, giving them more than enough room if they slept in the bed together. The sofa was even huge, so it wasn’t a surprise when the TV was also quite big. 

“I don’t know when we got big enough to have hotel rooms like this, but I’m so glad we did,” Tony said as he sat back on the sofa. “You know London?”

They raised a brow. “It’s a big city.”

“Yeah, but you know enough of it?”

“Yeah.” They nodded. “Why?”

He grinned. “I need a tour guide. But that can wait considering it’s late- how about some food?”

They hesitated. “You trust my judgement when it comes to food?”

“No,” he replied without any hesitation. “But you might know if things are shit. How about we get a takeaway? We could even eat with the rest of the band, if you’re comfortable with that? It’s completely okay if you’re not.”

They blinked. “Uh- I don’t mind.”

His stare was enough to make them shrink under it. “Eating in public is a no-no, I get that. I know the guys are doing a games night and a takeaway, and they asked if you wanted to join.”

Why would they want them to join? They weren’t a part of the band, and they didn’t really know any of them. They spoke to Natasha every now and then, sure, but they weren’t friends. Just vague acquaintances. They were probably just being polite, not that they needed to be. Loki would completely understand if they said that they didn’t want them around. 

“I’m going, and it would be nice if you went,” Tony said after a moment of silence. “It’s up to you, Lokes. No pressure.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” they replied. “Where?”

“Steve’s room.” He smiled. “You’re a part of the team now, Lokes, even if you don’t see it.”

Loki followed Tony to Steve’s room, which was only down the hall. It was just as big as theirs, but it faced the other side of the building. Whereas their window gave them a view of the river, Steve’s was a view of the city. It was beautiful. Chaos, but that was the beauty of it. Natasha, Clint and Steve were all sitting around a table, cards spread all over it. Tony sat down next to Steve, and Loki sat between Tony and Natasha. 

“It’s great that you guys could join,” Steve said before he hesitated. “People?”

Loki smiled a little. “Guys works fine.”

Steve visibly relaxed. “Okay, great. Sorry, I didn’t even think about that-”

“We were thinking of ordering pizza,” Natasha said, cutting Steve off. “Does that work for you two?”

Tony looked at them and they nodded. Natasha started passing her phone around with the pizza place’s website open. They only sold pizzas and kebabs. It was one of those places Thor would go after a night out and Loki would sit awkwardly outside while he was getting food. Surprisingly though, fantastic vegan options. They ordered what they thought was the ‘healthiest’ before handing the phone over to Tony. 

“How’s the album coming along?” Steve asked. 

Tony shrugged. “Fine. Only missing a couple songs. Recorded a demo today though, I’m going to work on it but I should get it sent out by tomorrow night.”

“Did you write in Milan?” He asked. 

He nodded. “Yeah. Not as much as I wanted to, but- I think I’ve got a new favourite for the album. We all know I’m shit at writing songs with people, but I found a really good partner.”

Natasha raised a brow. “You wrote a song with someone and neither of you killed each other?”

He chuckled. “I know, I surprised myself with that one.” He handed the phone back to Natasha. “It’s a really good song. Anyway- what’re we playing?”

“Thinking bullshit,” Clint said as he shuffled the cards. “Loki, do you know how to play?”

They nodded. “I was banned from playing this when we had family game nights.”

Steve raised a brow. “Why?”

“I cheat too well, apparently.” They shrugged. “Me and Thor would argue for days after we played it.”

Clint chuckled. “Glad he’s not here then.”

“Do you still talk to him?” Steve asked. 

They shook their head. “No.”

“Now’s a good time since you’re both in London,” Clint said. “You could go see him in that play.”

They frowned. “There’s a reason we don’t talk and I’d rather not change that.”

“It looks like a shit play anyway,” Tony said. “Who’s playing first?”

Clint dealt the cards then set one down in the middle of the table. “Five.”

They played around the table, and Loki created a fake tell to catch everyone out. Any time they told the truth they’d toy with their hair. Somehow no one caught onto that. They all called them out on it, and every single time they complained that it wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t a surprise when Loki won that round. And the next. And the one after that. They were good at lying. They had to be to survive their childhood. It was just fun to see everyone realise that as the games went on. 

After the third game, Natasha and Clint went downstairs to get the pizza. Tony was still grumbling about Loki winning all three games as he shuffled the cards. It was like the nights Frigga insisted they had as a family. Pizza and games. She insisted that every last Friday of the month, they’d sit together and be a family. Then it came out that they were adopted, and then Frigga died. Then everything went to shit. 

Natasha spread the pizza boxes around the table and Clint took charge of the drinks. All either lemonade or coke. Water for Loki, being the odd one out with a non-fizzy drink. They kept quiet as Tony started dishing out Uno cards and everyone else started eating. They toyed with their sleeves as they watched the cards get dealt, trying their best to take deep breaths. God, they couldn’t even join in with game nights without freaking out. They flinched when they felt something brush against their knee, but when they went to see what it was Tony had just moved closer so that their knees were brushing. They looked at him, but he kept his gaze on the cards in his hand. 

They picked up their stack and looked over their cards. They weren’t fantastic at Uno, but that was mainly because they couldn’t cheat. They set a card down when it was their turn, but Tony was clearly the pro at it. He had people picking up cards almost every turn - which included Loki, and they cursed him out more than anyone else. They picked at a slice of pizza, but no one mentioned it. They all ate their own pizzas and put cards down as and when needed. 

Eventually the cards were back in their box and Steve had pulled out a Nintendo Switch. They ended up doing a Mario Kart tournament, which Loki volunteered to sit out of because they didn’t think their heart could cope with the stress of that. They’d seen how competitive the four of them were. They didn’t have it in them to try Mario Kart with them. So they sat and slowly continued to pick at their pizza. They’d never eaten so much shit in their life. En Dwi would’ve stopped all their work if they were still working under him. Mobius wouldn’t care. No, he’d encourage it. He always tried to encourage ‘healthy eating’. Loki did too, but not with themself. Hypocrite. 

“Are you coming to rehearsals tomorrow, Loki?” Natasha asked, but her gaze remained fixed on the game on the screen. 

They raised a brow. “I might go for a bit, but there’s a couple bits I might do while we’re here.”

“Anything good?” Tony asked. 

“Business meetings.” They shrugged. “Nothing too interesting.”

“I’m looking for some running routes around here- any suggestions?” Steve asked. 

They nodded. “I can send you my route if you want?”

“You run?” He finished the race and turned to face them. “Are you going tomorrow?”

“I was planning on going early,” they replied. 

He raised a brow. “Fancy going before rehearsal?”

They nodded with a small smile. “Yeah. That sounds good.”

Tony sighed as he sat up. “Right, I think I’m calling it a night.”

“So early? You fucking coward,” Natasha said with a grin. 

Clint snorted. “Yeah, we all know why he’s going to bed early.”

Tony threw a cushion at Clint. “You can fuck right off.”

Loki got up from their seat on the floor and tidied the table up, getting rid of any rubbish. Tony continued to argue with Clint, not that that was a surprise, but they just pottered until Tony was ready to leave. Despite the fact they didn’t want to go initially, they had to admit that it had been a good night. A good night with friends. They’d never had that before, and they never wanted it to end.