St*rfucker

Of course the designers had changed the outfit without telling them. Of course. The original outfit was safe. A blazer-jumpsuit. Safe. Completely and utterly safe. So why did they turn it into a blazer dress? They didn’t mind it, but a bit of warning would’ve been nice. The model closing the show had to pull out and we can switch you out with someone else. At least it meant that they were closing the show. They hadn’t done that in a while. 

The dress was beautiful. A simple black with gold buttons going all along the front. Their one complaint was the corset. They loved corsets, but they didn’t wear them too tight. The one they were tied into for the dress practically cut them in half and moved every single one of their organs around. It was under the dress so the hem was digging into their skin. Beauty really was pain. 

Gold leaves were weaved into their hair, the same shade of gold as the buttons. Their makeup was done perfectly, the eyeliner smudged so precisely, with a gold highlight in the inner corner of their eyes. They’d never felt so beautiful before. 

The only problem was the shoes. The original design called for heels, but they absolutely weren’t Loki’s size and the designer wasn’t too keen to push any further than he already was. In the end they settled on a pair of black boots. Simple, but it was effective enough. They grinned as they looked in the mirror. They barely recognised themself, but maybe that was a good thing. They were finally who they wanted to be. 

The walk to the stage felt longer than any walk they’d ever done before. It was as if the narrow halls went on for miles and miles. The gold walls seemed to get more and more narrow as they spanned on, but they knew that they were just imagining it. They hadn’t closed a show in years. What if they couldn’t do it anymore? What if they’d lost their touch? What if it was a mistake? What if it just ended their career the moment they got it back? 

Loki took a deep breath as they readied themself. They relaxed their posture before they walked out onto the stage, keeping their expression stoic as they sauntered down the walkway. They knew they looked good. They also knew that no one was expecting them to close the show, especially in a dress. It was beyond a last minute decision, but one that everyone kept under wraps for the shock factor. 

The room was silent as they reached the end of the runway. The only sound was of the endless sea of cameras taking photos, but they couldn’t even hear a single breath. Hell, they didn’t even think that they were breathing themself. They turned around and headed back. Despite it being the exact same as the walk up, it felt shorter. Probably because it was over. Once they were offstage, they almost crumpled to the floor. Their knees trembled as their hands started to shake and breathing became second nature again. They did it. They actually did it. 

“You could’ve warned me that that was happening.” They didn’t have time to process what was said before they were pulled into a hug. Verity, they realised. “When you didn’t come out- I was ready to storm back here and raise hell. Fucking hell, Loki. That was fucking insane.”

Loki chuckled. “Yeah, I wish I’d been warned too.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to deal with all of that,” she said as she pulled away. “You look amazing.”

They smiled. “Thank you.”

“Did you know that that was happening?” Mobius asked as he turned around the corner, Tony in tow. No Fandral. Either he was talking to someone or he just hadn't gone. Considering they hadn't seen him that morning, it was safe to assume that he just hadn't gone.

Verity shook her head. “I’m glad that this happened but YSL are going to get a very shirty email in the morning.”

Mobius nodded before he turned to Loki. “That was amazing.”

“It was fucking terrifying,” they replied with a teasing grin. “It was fun. And I absolutely want to keep this outfit.”

“It looks good on you.” Mobius raised a brow. “Corset?”

“I can’t breathe.”

Tony hesitated. “Apart from that, I sort of get it now. Why you do that. Why people care. It- it was good.”

That was probably the biggest compliment they’d ever get out of Tony. “Thank you.”

“Now go get out of that corset, I have to find out why neither of us were told about this,” Verity said. 

Loki didn’t have to be told twice. They headed towards their dressing room with Tony following. The one thing that could’ve made the night better was if Fandral was there, but he was busy. Besides, it wasn’t meant to be a big gig. It just ended up being one of the biggest heights of Loki’s career. 

“I mean it,” Tony said after a moment of silence between them. “That was really cool. And you look great, obviously. I mean- you know you do- not in a narcissistic way but- I mean you look great. I’m going to stop talking.”

Loki chuckled. “Thank you, Tony.”

“So… Closing a show is a big deal?” He asked. 

They nodded. “You’re the last thing people see, so it needs to be good and really memorable. I used to be really good at it.”

“You still are,” he replied. 

They shrugged. “Haven’t done it in years.”

“Then it’s even more impressive.” He smiled a little. “I still hate the modeling industry but you’re really fucking good at it”

Loki chuckled at the compliment. They’d take it. It was probably the best they were going to get from Tony. No one really ever complimented them. Every now and then they would get a text from either Verity or Mobius telling them that they did good at a shoot, but that was it. Fandral only complimented them when he wanted something. To hear it from someone, especially Tony, when it sounded genuine? They couldn't get enough. They turned the corner into the last hallway out of many, only to freeze mid step. They didn’t know how they’d gone as long as they had without seeing En Dwi, but clearly their luck had run out. They could only hope that he hadn’t seen them, but they weren’t that lucky. 

“Lo-Lo!” He grinned as he walked closer to them, leaving the person he was with at the other end of the hall. “That was a fantastic show. Literally- I was speechless. Looks like you only get finer with age, hm?”

They forced a smile. “Thank you.”

“It’s been years, hasn’t it?” He didn’t wait for a reply. “You’ve grown up so much. Honestly- it’s so good to see you back and working. It’s about time!” He turned to Tony. “I remember this one when they were thirteen and they had their first spot. You should’ve seen them- you would’ve thought that the world had ended.”

Tony raised a brow. “I can’t imagine the reaction would be much different now.”

En Dwi laughed. “It’s good to know that they’re still dramatic.” He turned back to them. “And here I was convinced that this was a PR relationship. He’s good for you. It’s nice to see you’ve settled down with someone good. We’ll have to catch up soon. How about a coffee? Are you sticking around for a bit?”

They shook their head. “We’re- we actually- Tony’s going back on tour and I’m heading off with him.”

“I’m in London soon anyway, I’ll drop you a text,” En Dwi replied, their smile never faltering. “I’ll see you soon, Lo-Lo. It was good to meet you, Toby.”

En Dwi walked away and the person behind him scurried behind like a lost puppy. Like they were scared of being forgotten. Just like Loki all those years ago. Loki didn’t hesitate to move again, just in case En Dwi decided to turn back. They headed straight to their dressing room. They couldn’t have been more grateful when Tony closed the door behind him. They hadn’t spoke to En Dwi since he dropped them. You know how it is. If you’re not profitable then I have no use for you. It’s nothing personal. That had crushed them in a way they’d never expected. En Dwi had been in their life since they were thirteen. Since they got into modelling. He was their agent all the way through to them coming out, and then he left without even a bit of hesitation.

Hearing En Dwi compliment them brought a warmth over them that they hadn’t felt in a long time. It was a layer of protection, almost. If En Dwi was in their corner then no one could fuck with them. No one would dare. Not even Odin. But that wasn’t the case. He was just being friendly. Then again, En Dwi wasn’t friendly with anyone that didn’t benefit him. 

“Should I ask who that was?” Tony asked. 

“En Dwi Gast,” Loki replied. “He was my manager before Mobius.”

They leant their hands on the desk as they took deep breaths, just in case their knees gave in. En Dwi Gast had complimented them. They did anything to get En Dwi to notice them when they were younger, when they'd just been signed with him. He had so many other clients and obviously chose favourites. Loki fluttered in and out of his favourites, which drove them mad. The smallest thing would see him not talk to them for weeks, then come back as if everything was normal when he was displeased with his other favourites. It didn't take Loki long to figure that out, but it didn't mean that it hurt any less when he ignored them.

"Are you okay?" He asked. They could only nod. “Do you want to talk about it?”

They shook their head. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Okay.” There was movement from whatever Tony was doing on the other side of the room. “The first time we played an arena- I was fucking terrified. I couldn’t sit still, I was basically pacing everywhere and Steve almost killed me. I kept going over the songs- over and over and over again, even though I knew them like the back of my hand. But I didn’t forget any words. My voice didn’t crack. It was great. But then I fell. Other than that it was great.”

They snorted. “Smooth.”

“Yeah, I’m an idiot.” He chuckled. “But no one really remembers that. I don’t think anyone remembers that show but us.”

“That sounds like fun,” they replied. “Your shows are fun. It’s nice watching you on stage.”

Silence. “It is?”

They nodded but didn’t look up from the desk. “Yeah. You’re a good performer.”

“Oh. I wasn’t- okay. I’ll take it.” He was quiet for a moment. “Are we a really obvious PR couple?”

“I don’t know. En Dwi’s just been in the industry for years. He knows shit.” They stood up straight. “Can I have a hand getting out of this please?”

Tony raised a brow. “No army of people today?”

“They’re working their way down the hall and I just really need this corset off,” they replied. “It’s too tight.”

“Yeah, okay.” He got up and stood behind Loki. 

They took a deep breath when the zip was pulled down. They didn’t really care when it was dressers doing it. They were doing their jobs. Tony was another story. They weren’t completely sure if they trusted him, but they were convinced that a rib was going to crack if they didn’t get out of the corset fast. They just couldn’t do it on their own. Not that they would ever admit that, of course. No, they were completely independent. 

The corset was next. Tony took his time to do it carefully, and Loki was on the verge of telling him to just get on with it. It was silent between them as Tony pulled the laces out. He was so close that they could feel his breath on the back of their neck. His touch was so light that they couldn't even feel him. He was so careful, more careful than anyone had ever been with them. He was slow, careful not to hurt them, even if they were seconds away from yelling at him to just get on with it. Finally, he finished and the corset was off and Tony was across the room again, putting a fair bit of distance between them. 

“Thank you,” they said as they pulled the dress off. They hung it up on the rail and set the corset next to it. They turned to Tony, who was staring at them with wide eyes and red cheeks. “What?”

“I- Uh- it’s just- you know-” Loki had never expected to hear Tony stammer and fall over his words so much, and he couldn’t suppress his smirk. “Do you just strip in front of everyone?”

“I’m not naked, am I?” They shrugged as they grabbed their clothes. “And yeah. It’s a part of the job. And everyone’s seen me naked at this point-I do a lot of half naked shoots. Calvin Klein, Nike, almost did one with Victoria’s Secret but they backed out.”

Tony blinked. “I mean- I’ve had a nude leaked but still, nobody sees me in any form of nakedness unless we’re fucking.”

They shrugged as they pulled their jeans on. “I don’t really give a shit. I know I look good, so what’s there to worry about?”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Your ego is literally sky high.”

“No, it’s just a basic fact of the job. If I looked like shit then I wouldn’t have done what I did today,” they replied. “Ego would be saying that I’m the best at what I do and that I’m fucking fantastic, of which I’m neither.” 

He raised a brow. “I thought that you were the best person that walked that stage.”

“There’s more to it than that.” They shrugged. “And I’m getting old. I’ve been doing this for thirteen years. People are bored of me.”

“What would you do if you can’t do this?” He asked. 

They thought for a moment. “Die, I guess.”

Loki had a feeling that that wasn’t the answer Tony wanted. Not at all. Considering the way his jaw dropped when he realised that they were being completely and utterly serious, they guessed that that was the last answer he wanted. They weren’t lying, though. If they weren’t able to work again, what else did they have? They’d lose everything. Everyone. No, if they lost everything then they were better off dying. They didn’t understand why Tony couldn’t grasp that. 

“Loki, that’s beyond fucking concerning,” he said. “Your worth isn’t tied to your work.”

They raised a brow. “It really is when that’s all I’ve ever known. If modelling doesn’t work out then no other industry will touch me and then what? I’d have nothing.” 

“Maybe you should see a therapist.”

They snorted. “Mobius made me see one for ages when he signed me. Only just stopped.”

“Maybe you should go back,” he replied. “You’re so much more than your career, Lokes. I wish you could see that.”

They rolled their eyes. “I’m fine, Tony. Better than I have been in years.” They grabbed their phone. “Now, should we go?”

Tony looked at them for a prolonged beat before he nodded. He didn’t seem best pleased, but at least he was sensible enough to not argue back. They led Tony out of the dressing room and towards the back entrance, which they were hoping would be quieter than the front. They didn’t have it in them to deal with crowds, and they didn’t want Fandral to see photos of them and Tony out again. They wanted it to be an easy day. 

“You know how- I don’t even know when- you mentioned how you celebrate your sobriety?” Tony asked. They nodded. “Well- it got me thinking- and normally I have the band around in case I ever need anything but we’re in Milan and I know you said you don’t do it anymore but- I just- I was wondering if you wanted to do a movie-takeout night tonight? It’s my one year and I- I guess it would be nice to celebrate. And for you to be there.”

They stopped as they looked at Tony. Did Tony trust them that much? It took them two years to tell Fandral about it, to trust him enough to invite him, but they got turned down. He’d ridiculed them for it and they hadn’t done it again. Tony, someone who couldn’t really be considered a friend, was trusting them enough to be there. 

“Tony- that- I’d love to, but-” they hesitated. It would be easier to turn him down, both for Fandral and for their own sanity, but Tony trusted them. “Yeah. Okay. Sounds good.”