St*rfucker

There was nothing that Loki wanted to do more than hide for the rest of their life. Fandral had fallen asleep as if nothing was wrong. As if they hadn’t argued. As if they were fine. They didn’t know how he could do it. Everything felt wrong. They were so stupid. How could they think that everything would be fine between them and Fandral once they signed that fucking contract? Everything was fine before Tony came into their life. They didn’t fight with Fandral. They were happy together. Even if they had to hide, they were happy, weren't they?

They slipped out of Fandral’s arms and headed to the shower. The sun was just about to come up and they just needed to get out. They needed something to do, and the little lunch meet up wasn’t what they wanted, but it would do. They were just hoping that Fandral would be more focused on Amora than Tony. 

Why did they think that inviting Tony was a good idea? Why did they volunteer to spend more time with him? Of course it wouldn’t work. They had to stop being so selfish and start thinking about Fandral. About how he’d feel in those situations. How would they feel if they were in Fandral’s position? They didn’t know what they’d do if Fandral had to publicly be with someone else. They’d lose the one person they had in their life. The one person who stayed by their side unconditionally. The one person that loved them. They couldn’t lose him. 

“Loki? You’ve been in there for fucking ages and I need a shower.”

It had only felt like minutes, but the fact that their skin was red hot and they couldn’t feel just how much the water burned anymore probably told another story. Loki sighed as they turned the shower off and wrapped up in a towel. They headed out to the bedroom, ignoring Fandral as he went into the shower. Fandral didn’t even try to say anything. 

They got dressed into a black cropped blazer and black trousers before they started on their makeup. They used to go for a ‘barely there’ look. They had to look ethereal but as if they weren’t wearing makeup. Where was the fun in that? The first time they wore heavier makeup out, the headlines were chaos. People either loved it or hated it. There was no in between. There still wasn’t, really. They fixed their hair before putting a fedora on, finishing the look. It was perfect. They never got bored of fashion and how it could feel when done right. It was art, and they wouldn’t accept any different. 

“You’re wearing that?”

Loki turned around to see Fandral standing in the bathroom doorway, his expression blank. “Yeah. Why?”

He shrugged as he walked into the room. “Just asking.”

They frowned as they turned back to the mirror. It was fine, right? They looked okay, they thought. It was a simple outfit but it was nice. It was even custom Gucci. What was wrong with it? Why did Fandral seem to hate it? They couldn’t understand what that reaction was about. 

“Are you ready to go?” He asked. 

They turned away from the mirror and nodded. They followed him out of the hotel, toying with the rings on their fingers as they did. Maybe it was something to do with their argument the previous night. Fandral had barely looked at them since they’d woken up. When he spoke it was short and to the point. Signing that contract was a mistake. Agreeing to be in a PR relationship was a mistake. A mistake that they couldn’t fix without losing their career. 

The cafe wasn’t far away. Only on the other side of the road. Tony and Amora were already there. Loki didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. They didn’t know Amora too well but from what they’d seen and heard she wasn’t the nicest person. They only said yes to her coming so that Fandral would come. Apparently it would look too much like a ‘date’ if she didn’t go. It would look even less like a date if Tony went, but they didn’t say that. They at least had more sense than that. 

They sat down next to Tony, barely even looking at him as they did. They didn’t have it in them to pretend that everything was okay. That Tony’s involvement in their life wasn’t destroying their relationship. Fandral and Amora started talking straight away, as if they’d known each other for years. Considering Amora had only been modelling for a year, having been an actor before that, Loki knew that they hadn’t known each other very long. A couple months at most. 

“How exciting is it that Fandral’s walking for Gucci?” Amora asked, a wide grin on her face. “I’m walking for Versace. I’m really excited.”

Tony raised a brow. “Versace? Isn’t that who invited us to the Met?” He asked as he turned to Loki. 

They didn’t miss the way Fandral looked at them. Maybe they should’ve told him about that. “Yes.”

“I didn’t know you were going to the Met,” Fandral said. 

Tony grinned. “What? Haven’t you been invited?” They glared at Tony, but his grin didn’t falter. They’d made a mistake inviting Tony. “I wasn’t a huge fan of our looks, but I’m not too fashion forward. I’ve looked into YSL though and their looks are really cool. I’m excited to see the show.”

“Tony, is it?” Amora asked. “You really don’t understand our work. It’s probably best if you stick to your own thing.”

He raised a brow. “I’m sorry, didn’t you completely change careers a year ago because your acting was shit?”

Loki almost choked on their water. Tony wasn’t wrong, but it was bold to say that out loud in front of Amora. Even Fandral glared at Tony, but then again it probably wouldn’t take much to make that happen. They couldn’t have been more grateful when a server walked up to their table. Perfect timing, they thought. 

Tony ordered the French toast with sausage and bacon, Fandral ordered the chicken and rice bowl, Amora went for a salad and Loki went for an açai bowl. They could see that Tony wasn’t impressed, but neither was Fandral. They really couldn’t win. Then again, who were they trying to impress? Their boyfriend of three years or their fake boyfriend? Why would they even bother trying to impress Tony? They never would. Tony hated what they were. Fandral just wanted them to be what they thought was the worst version of themself. 

“You’re a lot different than what Loki normally goes for,” Amora told Tony. Loki was seconds away from jumping in. “I mean- we all know about his flings with men. It’s just odd that he’d be official with one. Especially someone with… Your job.”

Fandral chuckled. “Amora, we all know what Loki’s like. Leave him alone.”

“You both know that they don’t use those pronouns and it’s fucking disgusting that you’d still use them.” Tony glared at the two models sitting opposite him. “Yeah, okay, Loki’s weird compared to your usual fucked up model norm, but maybe that’s a good thing, because every other model I’ve met is a prick. I mean- Loki’s still a prick, but not as bad as the rest of you.”

Fandral glared at Tony. “You don’t know anything about this, Tony, so shut it.”

“I was just trying to help you,” Amora said. “Considering Loki’s past with calling the people around him rapists and making his partners look bad, I thought you’d want to be prepared for that.”

That was it. Loki didn’t say anything as they got up and walked out. Going for lunch with the three of them had been a mistake. Tony had stood up for them, sure, but they didn’t need it. Hell, they wouldn’t have said anything. They didn’t want to antagonise Fandral any more than they already had. They didn’t care about Amora, but if her and Fandral were happy then they at least had to keep the peace. 

They couldn’t sit there and listen to a deep dive on their past, though. To talk about their mistakes. They couldn’t do it. They couldn’t sit there and pretend that everything was fine. Especially after their fight with Fandral. No, that wasn’t a conversation they wanted to have. 

They got to the hotel quite fast and headed up the stairs to one of the top floors. It took a while, but they needed to think and to get their steps in for the day considering they hadn’t gone for their run. They were surprised to find Tony waiting outside of their room that they shared with Fandral. He was fast. They didn’t even look at Tony as they swiped the key card. They didn’t say a word. They walked into the room but didn’t try to stop Tony when he followed. What was the point?

“What was Amora talking about?” Tony asked after a short period of silence. 

Loki shrugged. “I made an accusation when I was young. I recanted it. It was fine.”

“Loki, you know that that’s not okay, right?” He frowned. “Were you pressured to take it back?”

“Why does it matter?” They asked. “Just drop it.”

“Has Fandral raped you?” 

They turned towards Tony. “Why the fuck do you think you have any right to question my relationship? One that you’re really fucking testing as is?”

“You can’t blame me for your relationship problems,” he said. 

“We were fine before you,” they replied. “Completely fine. And you have the fucking audacity to fight my fucking boyfriend over nothing?”

He shook his head. “It wasn’t nothing, they were both misgendering you.”

“I don’t give a shit,” they snarled. “You have no right to do that. You have a problem with everything, don’t you? You just hate anything to do with me. You’ve made that abundantly clear since we met.”

“I was a prick at first, yeah, but so were you.” He crossed his arms. “I thought that we were actually becoming friends.”

“Then you thought wrong,” he replied. “I was fine before we met. Completely fucking fine. My relationship was fucking fantastic and I was happy.”

He raised a brow. “Were you? Because the person I met wasn’t happy. Not in the slightest, and I don’t think that that’s changed.” Tony headed towards the door. “I’ll see you later.”

Loki sighed as they took a seat on the bed. They didn’t even look up when they heard the door slam shut. What were they doing? Was their career really worth that much? Was it time to just call it quits? But who were they without their career? They had nothing. Absolutely nothing. They didn’t have a family. The only friends they had were Mobius and Verity and they were paid to put up with them. They’d lose Fandral, without a doubt. Tony wasn’t really a friend. Unless he was and Loki had royally fucked it up. Not a friend anymore, then. 

How had they fallen so far? They used to be loved. People were fighting each other to be their friend. They were always busy with jobs. There was no time between them. Designers were fighting to work with them. They were constantly closing shows. That had gone to shit. They were at the point where they had weeks before jobs, they were the last resort and they had no one. They would be completely and utterly alone the moment Fandral’s decided to leave. They weren’t an idiot. Everyone left eventually. Fandral would be no different. They’d just have to make the most of the time they had left with him. 

Then there was what Amora said. They were young. They didn’t understand what they were doing. They were scared. It was the first time they’d actively said no to doing anything sexual and the director did it anyway. They spoke out before they realised what it actually was. A transaction. They got a job out of it. En Dwi corrected their mistake and sure, they didn’t get jobs for a while because of it, but people eventually forgot. Clearly some people didn’t. 

“What the fuck was that?” 

Loki hadn’t even heard the door open. They didn’t look up. They didn’t need to. They could hear the venom dripping from Fandral’s voice well enough to know he was angry. 

“I’m sorry.” That was all they could say. All they could do was apologise. 

“No, you’re not.” The sound of footsteps slowly got closer. “What’s wrong?”

They shook their head. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Lokes, I know you well enough to know when you’re not okay.” Fandral sat next to them but they didn’t look at him. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just tired,” they replied. 

He sighed. “Why don’t we watch some Suits? Maybe you can nap before you go out tonight.”

They didn’t mean that kind of tired, but that would work. It would at least be something to do. 

————————————

The absolute last thing Loki wanted to do was to go out with Tony. At least it was the cinema, but it still didn’t feel right. They wanted to stay in bed with Fandral forever. But there they were, waiting outside the hotel for Tony to come down. They’d tried cancelling, but Mobius had made it abundantly clear that that wasn’t a possibility. They tried reasoning that they had a long week and needed rest, but apparently unless they were dying they couldn’t get out of it. 

Clearly no one knew how genuinely tempting it was to try. 

Tony was only a few minutes late, which was a miracle. He was normally much, much later than that. Loki wasn’t the best with time, often being much earlier than they needed to be, but Tony was the opposite. He was always late. Without fail. They vaguely evened each other out, Loki found. 

“We need to talk about earlier,” Tony said. 

They shook their head. “No, we don’t.”

“You were a prick and ideally I’d really like to solve it so we don’t have a really fucking tense night, and then a tense UK tour, and a tense year.” He raised a brow. “We’re not running from this.”

“What do you want me to say? Thank you for being my knight in shining armour?” They sneered. “No. I don’t need you to protect me. I’m perfectly fine on my own.”

He frowned. “Loki, I’m not saying you’re not, but- even you have to admit that that was uncomfortable.”

“And?” They asked. “Does it matter if it was?”

He frowned. “Yes. Of course it does. Look- I’m worried about you. Really fucking worried. I’m not the only one. I’m sorry for jumping in earlier, and I’m sorry if what I did came between you and Fandral. I’ll stop mentioning it, but nothing you say or do will change my mind.”

That was probably the best they could act for. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Tony repeated. “So- I guess it’s cinema time?”