St*rfucker

The last place Loki wanted to be was in Tony’s hotel room. Technically it was both of theirs, but they were planning on bunking with Fandral who was just across the hall. They never wanted to set foot in Tony’s room, but there they were because Tony wanted to talk about boundaries. He never dropped anything. Loki just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for the week. 

“Okay, so I mean- the only thing I don’t really want to do is hold hands. I fucking hate doing that,” Tony said. 

Loki raised a brow. “You keep holding my hand?”

“Because you don’t like crowds and it’s just a way to ground you,” he replied. 

They didn’t know what to say to that. “I don’t want you to do things that make you uncomfortable. Please- don’t. Just- I’m fine with crowds. You don’t have to do that for me.”

He shrugged. “I instigated it anyway, so it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. It’s mainly if I don’t know it’s going to happen. If I initiate it then it’s fine. But no grabbing hands, no giving me something to hold- I need to initiate anything like that.”

They looked at him but then nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

“So what about you?” He asked. 

They shrugged. “Anything goes.”

He raised a brow. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

Loki looked away when Tony just looked at them. They’d never had boundaries before. No one listened to them, so they never forced any. It was easier to just let anything happen rather than fight against it. At least then it felt like they still had some control. 

“Loki- I need to know that I’m not going to hurt you,” he said. “I can’t have another week of being shit scared that I’ve fucked up.”

They thought for a moment. What boundaries did they really have? They hadn’t thought about it in years. Even their therapist had tried to get them to think about it, but they didn’t hugely care at the time. Mobius made sure to send them to a therapist when he signed them, and it was good, but they really didn’t want to think too deeply about anything that had happened in their life. That was far too depressing. 

“I guess- I guess touch. Just- if I don’t know it’s coming,” they said quietly. “Um- I think that’s it? I just- yeah. I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”

Tony nodded. “Okay. That’s fine. Is there anywhere that’s an absolute no-go?”

They took a moment to think about that. “I think I’d be most comfortable just sticking to hands, arms and- and yeah. That’s it. Nowhere else.”

“Yeah. That’s completely fine. Thank you for telling me,” he replied. “The fitting with Versace tomorrow, is there anything I should know?”

“It’ll basically be a game of dress up. You’ll be dressed up and people will talk about you like you’re an object.” They shrugged. “It’s uncomfortable.”

“Then why do you do it?” He asked. 

They shrugged. “It’s what I know. And I enjoy the walks and the shoots. The fittings are just uncomfortable.”

“If they do anything to make me uncomfortable I’m telling them to go fuck themselves,” he said. 

They chuckled. “I wouldn’t expect any different.”

———————————————————

Loki wouldn’t have been surprised if Tony ended up punching someone. They stood still and let the dressers work on the outfit they were wearing, whereas Tony was shifting and glaring at everyone who went near him. It would’ve been funny if it hadn’t reflected badly on them. 

The outfits were incredible. They were matching, which wasn’t ideal, but they were still great. They were in a black lace shirt, a black corset and black trousers, with a tartan train attached by a belt with chains hanging from it. It was perfect. Even the tartan boots were incredible. God, it was amazing. 

Tony’s matched nicely. A black shirt, black trousers with chains from the belt, with a tartan blazer and tartan boots. They matched almost perfectly, but it was styled to their own personal tastes. It was nice. Even if Tony looked like he was in his own personal hell. 

“I thought the theme was punk,” Tony said. 

The designer basically gawked at him and Loki wanted to run. “I took inspiration from the seventies with this. I know it’s changed recently and you think that you’re king of the punk world, but some of us don’t want to welcome the change when it’s so… Dismal.”

Tony chuckled. “That’s not what I meant, but if you’re that insecure then maybe you shouldn’t be doing this.” He was asking to be punched. “Punk isn’t a style or a genre or anything- it’s a movement.”

“A movement?” The designer repeated. 

“Yeah. It’s political. Punk is just- it’s a fuck everything. Fuck the establishment, fuck fascism, fuck- generally fuck everything that’s bad. This is just a look.” Tony shrugged. “It’s a statement.”

The designer raised a brow. “So what do you want me to do? I’m not changing my designs.”

“Badges. Patches. I don’t know,” he replied. “They’re used a lot in the punk community. LGBTQ+ badges, feminist badges, ACAB, fuck the government, free Palenstine badges- everything. As long as you stand for them too?”

Loki absolutely didn’t want to be dragged into that. “Yeah. All of them. Even- Congo. Yemen. Lebanon. Sudan. There’s a lot of silent genocides right now that need to be talked about. Even supporting strikes and taxing the rich. All that jazz.”

Tony grinned. “You know your shit.”

“I’m not just a pretty face,” they replied. 

The designer was quiet for a moment. “I’ll send you both some links to badges and see if they’re what you want. Any recommendations for where to get them?”

“Small businesses,” Tony replied. “Support local artists as well.”

The designer nodded and instructed the dressers to get them out of the outfits. Once they were finally out of the office Tony finally looked like he could breathe again. Like he wasn’t imminently going to keel over and die on the spot. 

“That was fucking horrific,” Tony said. “How do you do that? I mean- it was awful. They just touched and prodded and didn’t even ask.”

They shrugged. “I’ve been doing it for fifteen years.”

“They did it when you were a kid?” He asked. 

“Yeah. Had to get used to it somehow,” they replied. “It’s fine. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Tony looked at them. “I feel like there’s a lot to unpack there and I don’t think it’s something I want to unpack.”

“Please don’t unpack anything.” They frowned. “Don’t we have a reservation somewhere?”

Tony was quiet for a moment. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s go.”

Loki followed Tony and stayed quiet the entire time. Tony had gotten a little too close to their past for comfort. Sure, quite a few people knew of the accusation they made against a casting director when they were fifteen, but they retracted it and said that they ‘didn’t know what they were saying’. It was something Tony could find if he looked, so why would they worry?

It wasn’t as if they didn’t get something out of it. If a casting director or a designer was concerned about hiring them, then they could get into bed with them and get the job. Their old agent said that that was completely normal. Sure, they actively campaigned against it happening to young people and worked with companies to protect young people in modelling work environments, but it didn’t mean that what happened to them was wrong. They were told time and time again that it wasn’t wrong, so they were just being dramatic. They consented to everything they did. They just had to stop being a coward. 

The place they’d been told to go was a small little cafe not too far from the offices. Small and family run, the white walls were dotted with photos of the surrounding area. It was cute. Somewhere Loki would’ve gone with their mother, maybe. They sat opposite Tony and dithered over a menu. The thought of food was nauseating, but they knew that Tony would rip into them if they didn’t eat. They couldn’t just leave either without breaking the contract. 

“This place looks nice,” Tony said as he scanned the menu. 

Loki hummed as they picked up a menu. It was all pasta and bread. Nothing that they could stomach. Especially since they had such a big job in just a few days. Tony would kill them if they didn’t eat, though. They could only imagine the shit they’d get for it. 

“What’re you thinking?” Tony asked. 

They shrugged. “Maybe the pesto pasta.”

He raised a brow. “You come all the way to Italy for pesto pasta?”

They sighed. “Tony, I’m really not in the fucking mood right now.”

He was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry if I overstepped earlier.”

It took everything in them to not scream. “You didn’t. You didn’t. I just- yeah. It just reminded me of something and I’m- I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise. It’s okay,” he replied. “But we’re sharing the focaccia.”

They smiled a little. “That seems fair.”

Tony went for the lasagna, and apparently it was his favourite food. Loki had read that his mother was Italian and made it all the time. Comfort food, they guessed. Frigga used to make soup when they were ill. Any kind of soup. Depended on what she had in the kitchen and what they fancied. Then she died. 

The food came out and Loki had to agree with Tony, Italy had the best pasta. It was basically heaven. They weren’t normally the biggest pasta fan, but it was luxury. It was like something En Dwi would let them eat after they’d done a really good job as a treat. It was heaven. Hell, it almost made them enjoy food again. 

“I need to thank whoever found this place,” Tony said. 

They nodded. “It’s amazing.”

“I guess we’ll just have to come back before we leave.” He grinned. “We’re spending a lot of time together, anyway. Excited for the UK tour?”

They raised a brow. “For what?”

“You’re coming on tour as long as you don’t have anything else to do,” he replied with a grin. “Payback’s a bitch.”

They rolled their eyes. “Thanks.”

At least being in the UK was better than being on the other side of the world. Going for an entire tour sounded like hell, but what could they do? At least their tour was almost over and after that they probably wouldn’t tour until the contract was over. God, Loki couldn’t wait for them to stop touring. They could actually relax then. Maybe they could even make it all up to Fandral. 

Tony handed them a piece of focaccia. “Stop avoiding the fucking bread.”

They raised a brow. “I thought you were playing nice.”

“And I said we were sharing the bread,” he replied. “So eat. It’s actually really fucking good.”

They sighed but took the piece of bread anyway. They wouldn’t admit to Tony that it was actually really good. They absolutely couldn’t go back to that place. Not unless they knew they’d be able to have a good, strict week afterwards. Considering they’d be touring around the UK after the walk, they wouldn’t have any gym time. No, they’d have to avoid it. 

Years ago they would’ve been yelled at for having two loads of carbs in one meal. Mobius would actively encourage it, which was jarring. He had good intentions, but old habits die hard. Fandral was right. They were a hypocrite. They worked with charities for supporting people with eating disorders, they actively campaigned against disordered eating and demonising food, but they couldn’t apply it to themself. Hypocrite. 

“What’re you doing tomorrow?” Tony asked. 

“Got a fitting with Saint Laurent in the morning, then going for lunch with Fandral,” they replied. “Then with you in the evening. What about you?”

He shrugged. “Nothing. Just- doing random shit until the cinema.”

“Don’t you know anyone here?” They asked. 

He shook his head. “Only you.”

They thought for a moment. “Why don’t you come to lunch tomorrow?” 

“No! No, I don’t want to get in between you and Fandral,” he replied. “It’s okay.”

They shook their head. “Amora’s going to be there. It’s not like it’s a date, just a friendly thing.”

He hesitated. “Okay. I mean- as long as it’ll be okay.”

They nodded with a small smile. “Of course it’ll be okay. I’ll let Fandral know later.”

“But you’ll let me know if it causes you problems, right?” He asked. 

“‘Course.” No, they absolutely wouldn’t, but Tony didn’t need to know that. 

——————————————

“Why the fuck would you invite him?” 

It was going about as well as Loki had predicted. Fandral was never going to take the news well. Absolutely not. Loki knew that the moment they suggested the idea to Tony, but they didn’t want Tony to be alone in a random city that he didn’t know. 

“Fandral, you invited Amora,” they said. “I just- I can’t let him be alone in a random city.”

“No, you’re starting to replace me with him,” he replied. “Let’s face it, you’ve never been one for commitment. How many people have you slept with?”

They raised a brow. “You know that that’s a bullshit question.”

“You’d sleep with anyone to get jobs. We all know it. He can get you jobs, so you’re going to drop to your knees for him.” He shook his head. “This is bullshit, Loki.”

“Fuck you.” They didn’t even care about the surprise in Fandral’s expression. “You know what? Maybe Tony’s right. I forgave you after you gave me drugs. I forgave you for shitting on my entire fucking personality. I can’t keep forgiving you! And what about the times I woke up naked in your fucking bed with no memory of the night before? You- you fucked me when I was drugged, didn’t you?”

He stepped closer to them. “Don’t you fucking dare accuse me of anything like that.”

“So you did?” They asked. “You’re unbelievable!”

“You asked for it,” he replied. “You kept asking for it and you said yes! You fucking wanted it and you can’t keep turning around and accusing people of rape when the sex didn’t fucking benefit you!”

They shook their head. “You’re such a fucking asshole.”

“But what are you going to do about it? Leave?” He raised a brow. “You have no one else. What do you think Mobius is going to do when he finds out you broke your sobriety? What about Tony? He fucking hates you. You have no one but me. Why are you so hell-bent on pushing me away?” 

“I’m not,” they replied. “I love you, Fandral, but I can’t keep doing this.”

He chuckled. “All this so you can go running to Tony, but what use would he have for you? You’re some fucked up model who can’t even look after himself. I mean- you ruined your entire career and for what? You hurt everyone you’re close to. I can’t come out because of you. If people know that we’re together then my career goes down the drain, because of you. Do you think Tony would want that? You think he cares about you, don’t you?”

They shook their head. “It’s not about Tony.”

“You looked happy earlier with him," he replied. “He doesn’t care about you. He wouldn’t let you do that to yourself if he did. You need someone to look after you, just like I do, but hey, you don’t give a shit about that, do you? I do everything for you but you want to leave me for him?”

“Fandral, it’s not about Tony.” They frowned. “I should go.”

Before they could turn away, he grabbed their wrist. They tensed as their entire body froze in place. “Come on. You know I'm just saying all this because I care about you, right? I've always been there for you, haven't I?"

They paused. "Yeah."

"Look, I'm sorry if I'm a bit much. I just- I care about you so much, I don't want you to do something impulsive and regret it later," he said. "You know I love you, right?"

Fandral kept saying that, but he never acted like he loved them. Then again, they didn't really have anything else to compare it to. Maybe Tony. He treated them with respect, like they were an actual functioning human being who had their own wants and needs. He respected what they wanted, he tried to make sure that they were okay, he even talked through boundaries with them. The only other person to sit them down and talk about boundaries was Mobius when he signed them. Tony took the time to get to know them, which no one really did. Fandral had known them for years before they got together, so he hadn't needed to. So maybe Fandral did love them, he just showed it in a peculiar way.

"Yeah," Loki finally replied. They didn't say anything when they were led to the bed. They just grabbed their phone and scrolled through Instagram while Fandral rambled about a shoot he had planned. They didn't care, but they didn't mind that. Fandral didn't care about anything they did, so why did they have to care about his stuff? They paused when a text from Tony came through. They looked up, finding Fandral was more focused on the TV than he was on them. They opened the message but tilted the phone away from Fandral ever so slightly.

Hey. I found a bowling place and apparently they do fantastic slushies. Fancy going? x

Why would Tony ask them to go bowling? Why did they want to say yes? They sighed as they ran their hand through their hair, trying to figure out what to do. They couldn’t leave Fandral. It was probably just that Tony was lonely and they were the only one he knew in the area. Why else would he ask to do something with them? What if Fandral was right? What if Loki only ends dup hurting Tony in the end? What if his career tanked and it was all because of them?

“What’s that?” Fandral asked. 

They shrugged. “Just Mobius asking how the fitting went.”

I can’t go tonight, maybe another time? x

They put their phone back to the side before they curled up in Fandral’s arms. They just wanted to hide. Hide from the world, from society, from all of their problems. At least Fandral was there. He had been the one constant in their life since the whole situation with En Dwi. Fandral was always there, no matter what. He was like their safety blanket. Even that seemed to be falling apart. Hell, they barely used to argue. Sure, they had their spats, but maybe one a week. Not every time they saw each other. It was tiring. Nothing worked out and they were tired. Maybe Fandral was right. They hurt everyone they were around, and they'd hurt Fandral. He was right. He hadn't changed, but they had. They'd ruined their own life and it seemed like they were just dragging Fandral down with them. Fandral deserved so much better, but he still stayed. That counted for something, right? They had to be better, they just didn't know how.

“I love you,” Fandral said. “You know that, right?”

They nodded. “Yeah. I love you too.”