St*rfucker

I’m sorry if what I said was too strong. I didn’t think about what I was saying and if I said something wrong then I’m so, so sorry. I really don’t want to overstep any boundaries and I should’ve asked sooner. I’m really sorry. 

That was the last thing Loki expected to read. Through their pounding headache that painkillers didn’t even begin to touch and the dark lenses of their sunglasses, they were partially convinced that they were imagining it. Tony Stark was apologising. To them . Something had to be wrong. They had to have been sucked into another dimension or something. There was no way Tony Stark had apologised to them. 

But it was right there. At three-twenty-three in the morning. They didn’t even look at their phone until they woke up. They had to get it from the corner where they’d thrown it the night before. Part of them was tempted to reply to reassure Tony. They didn’t mind what he’d said. Actually, it was nice. They wished that someone would actually tell them that. They wished that someone would actually believe that. Tony didn’t, but it was nice to pretend. 

Loki couldn’t say that it was okay, though. It had almost cost them their relationship with Fandral. Or had it succeeded? Had they lost the one person that had stuck with them through the worst part of their life? Who had stayed with them despite the fact that they lost everything? Had they really changed for the worst? They thought that they’d worked on themself to be better. Clearly Fandral thought that they’d done the opposite. 

They sighed as they opened the text chain they had with Fandral. It used to be so good. They couldn’t help but smile as they remembered their first date. They went bowling. God, Loki had laughed so much that day. They didn’t care that they had to pretend to be friends with Fandral out in public, like it wasn’t a date. They were just so happy. What changed? Clearly they had. They’d changed and they’d pushed the one person who loved them away, and they hadn’t even realised. 

You’re right. I’m sorry. 

They pressed send then turned their phone off. They didn’t even want to think about Fandral’s reply, if he even would reply. They grabbed their bag and headed out. The thought of a week at home was almost comforting. To be back in their house in London, even for a short amount of time was practically heaven. Were they liked in the UK? Not really, but it was still home. Even if no one else wanted them there. No, their family feud was still a little too public for people to really like them, hence why they weren’t surprised when the first headline that popped up when they arrived in London was ‘Loki Laufeyson returns to London after Paris incident as a snub to brother Thor Borson.’

How it was a snub, they weren’t sure. After a quick search, they realised that it was his opening night in 2:22 A Ghost Story. Thor hadn’t been in a play in years. He’d always preferred screen acting, whereas Loki had adored theatre. They missed it. They really, really did, but what could they do? If they even attempted to get back into theatre then people would see it as a dig to Thor and Odin. 

Loki sprawled on the sofa the moment they got home. God, they’d missed being home. Not in some weird AirBnB or dodgy hotel room. Home, in all its comfort. They scrolled on Instagram for a while before they braved Twitter, finding that both them and Tony were still trending. They hadn’t trended that much since they got dropped by their last manager. 

They shot up when they got a text from Fandral. They really weren’t expecting one. Not after what he’d said the previous night. They were partially convinced that they’d never hear from him again, but to hear from him so soon?

I should’ve spoken to you about it a long time ago. I’m sorry for letting it get as bad as it did. How about we go out tonight? Just seen you’re back in London, there’s a new club opened up? x

Yay. A club. That was exactly where they wanted to go. 

I’ll meet you at yours? x

With a quick confirmation, Loki headed to their room to get ready. They got changed into a black button up, a black underbust corset and black trousers. They did their usual makeup completed with some smudged eyeliner, and left their hair down. They pulled on their boots before they headed over to Fandral’s. 

It wasn’t a long journey. They walked as long as they could before they gave in and headed to the nearest tube station. They forgot how big London was and how far away Fandral lived. At least he lived near a tube station. Once they got off, it wasn’t too far a walk. Long enough for them to debate heading back. If they made a routine of clubbing, partying and drinking then they were going to go down a road they didn’t want to go down. One that Mobius repeatedly warned them about. He wouldn’t hesitate to drop them if they got out of hand, they knew that. They just had to be careful. 

It also meant trusting Fandral. They did. They really did. They’d known Fandral for years. Thor introduced them when Loki was fourteen. They didn’t get close until they were twenty-two. He was still friends with Thor, but Thor didn’t know about their relationship. They were hoping that he wouldn’t until they could finally come out. Fandral had been with them through the worst of their life. Of course he’d notice if Loki’s behaviour became negative. Loki shouldn’t have doubted that. Fandral just wanted to help, and Loki trusted him. 

“Lokes!” Fandral pulled Loki into a hug the moment he opened the door, almost falling through the door in the process. “M’so glad you’re coming out tonight. Missed you.”

Loki was going to say that they’d only seen each other the previous night, but they had the feeling that that wasn’t what Fandral meant. “Yeah. How much have you had to drink?”

He rolled his eyes as he pulled away. “Still on your fucking high-horse.”

They followed Fandral in and closed the door behind them, not that he would’ve noticed in the state he was in. They hadn’t even gotten out of the hall before Fandral pinned Loki against a wall with his mouth to their neck. “As much as I love the enthusiasm, it might be better to wait until you’re a bit more sober.”

There was a pause before Fandral pulled away and Loki could breathe again. He headed into the kitchen and came back with a drink. It looked like sparkling water, but they weren’t sure. “Or until you’re more on my level.”

They forced a laugh as they took the drink. They took a sip, finding that it was sparkling water and vodka. So much vodka. They finished it as quickly as they could. They had a feeling that the night would be easier the drunker they were. It wasn’t bad. They were still celebrating after Paris. For getting their career back. 

“I thought you were going to bail on me,” Fandral said as he poured another drink. “Or just say no.”

They shrugged. “You had a point last night. I’ve changed, I just didn’t realise how much.”

He grinned. “I’m glad I could help.”

They took the glass they were offered. The drink was just as strong as the last. “What actually happened at the party?”

He shrugged. “You drank a bit. Disappeared for a while. Found you, offered you a key, then you disappeared again- think you found some acid? Very unclear- but then we headed back to the hotel.”

Loki clenched their jaw. So they had taken something. Fandral had offered. They had to watch how much they drank if they couldn’t control themself drunk and couldn’t trust Fandral. They practically downed the rest of their drink in an attempt to drown their anger. It wouldn’t help. No, they were being dramatic. Just like they always were. 

“How about we head out?”

They couldn’t agree fast enough. They got a taxi to the club. The neon sign on the front of it was too bright to read in the dark night, but there was a queue going around the building to get in. The security guard at the front recognised them and let them in without any hesitation. Joys of being famous, they thought. 

The music was loud enough to deafen them the moment they stepped foot into the dark room. The lights flashed at random intervals, but it wasn’t enough to light up the dark. They sighed as they followed Fandral to the bar, trying to ignore the amount of hands that tried to grab them on the way, or how there was a guy who kept staring. They didn’t complain when Fandral ordered shots, then more shots, then even stronger drinks. It would be fine. 

"You look really fucking pretty tonight, Lokes," Fandral slurred into their ear. He wrapped an arm around their waist, and they leant into the touch. "M'so lucky."

They chuckled quietly. "Thanks."

"I'm so sorry about the other day- I just- I was really- I thought I was going to lose you to Tony, y'know?" He hiccuped. "Like- you two can be out, and I know that you want to be out out- and I can't give that to you- well- I was, I was going to talk to you about it the day you signed that contract- I guess it was bad timing. I love you, Lokes- like- so much. I was just upset."

If they'd have waited a day later to sign that contract, if they'd have spent a night to think about it, everything would have been okay. Maybe they wouldn't have had more jobs, but their relationship would have been okay. They were such an idiot. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have signed it when I did- I'm so sorry."

He shrugged. "It is what it is, hm? I can't promise I won't get jealous or upset again, but- I'll try my best. I want to make this work, Lokes. I really do."

They nodded. "I know. It's not your fault. I should've thought about it more. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Fandral. I really fucked up."

"Hey, we'll work through it. We always do." He shrugged. "I'm going to pop to the toilet, will you be okay?"

They nodded, and Fandral went off. They ordered another drink - some random cocktail that wasn't weirdly named. They looked around, but there wasn't too much to see. The dance floor was packed with people, most of them dancing, but a few were looking over at them. They looked away, towards the door, which had bouncers around it, holding the queue outside. They forgot how busy the nightlife in London was. They hadn't gone out in ages, but it was the least they could do for Fandral. They were so stupid. How could they not think about how their fake relationship was affecting him? Of course he'd be upset. They just had to figure out how to make it better for him.

“Hey.” They looked to their side to see a guy next to them, leaning uncomfortably close to them. “You here alone?”

“No,” they replied as they turned away. 

He raised a brow. “You look alone right now. How about a dance?”

“No.”

“There’s no need to be rude, sweetheart,” he replied. “You should just be glad that someone’s talking to you when you’re dressed like that.”

They smiled bitterly. "People queue to talk to me when I'm dressed like this in Fashion Weeks. Good luck trying to get anyone to talk to you with that attitude."

Loki huffed as they walked away from the man, to a quieter corner of the room. They downed their drink and set the empty glass on the bar. Fandral had been gone a suspiciously long time, but then Loki was no stranger to dodgy deals in a nightclub bathroom. Especially in London. It would have been nicer if Fandral didn't get high around them, but he already did so much for them that they didn't want to ask him to do anything else for them. If he wanted to get high, then that was fine. They just had to make sure that they didn't take anything. 

God, they'd been two years clean. They'd thrown that down the drain in one night. That was the longest they'd gone without drugs since they were fourteen, and they'd completely blown it. That one night could've ruined their entire career, and it had barely started up again. Mobius wouldn't have even hesitated to drop them if he found out. Why would they do it? What were they thinking?

The room started to spin, and they sunk back into the wall a little bit. Had they really had that much to drink? Their heartbeat was getting louder faster, it was all they could hear. It was drowning out the music that was shaking the walls around them. They spotted Fandral walking towards the bar, and they did their best to get over to him. They stumbled, barely able to walk, let alone in a straight line. They didn't know how they got to him, but the next thing they knew his arms were around them. At least they were safe. 

—————————————

The first thing Loki did when they woke up was run to the bathroom. They made it just in time and thanked every god in existence that they remembered the layout to Fandral’s house. Once they could finally move they grabbed a glass of water before heading back to the bedroom. Fandral was still curled up in bed, just as naked as they were. At least they were with Fandral.

There was something wrong. Hugely wrong. They couldn’t remember anything after talking to the man that night. The man who’d hovered around them for most of the night that they never fucking noticed. Sure, they'd had a few drinks, but no where near enough to be that drunk. It was like the times they took whatever drugs En Dwi gave them when they were on a night out or when they were a little too nervous about an 'audition'. Shit. They did their best not to think about it as they shrugged some clothes on - one of Fandral’s jumpers. It was warm and big enough that it almost reached their knees despite them being the same height. They grabbed their phone and headed to the kitchen to make some breakfast. 

Opting for something simple like baked oats, they made the mixture and put it in the oven. While they were waiting, they scrolled through their phone. No more texts from Tony, which was probably for the best. They still itched to reply, to reach out to him, but they couldn’t. 

Loki Laufeyson back to partying lifestyle?

Fandral Smith spotted carrying Loki Laufeyson out of club, competition for Tony Stark?

Loki Laufeyson ditches sober rockstar Tony Stark for party animal Fandral Smith

Are Tony Stark and Loki Laufeyson over? A timeline of the whirlwind relationship

Oh god. That wasn’t good. That probably explained the emails and texts they had from Mobius. They didn’t even want to open them. How could they explain it? They didn’t watch their drink with a man hovering near them and didn’t think to even consider any danger in that club? They were an idiot. They were just lucky that Fandral was there. Then came the text from Mobius. 

Loki, I get the fact you’re celebrating and all, but you can’t go back to that kind of thing. I didn’t mind it when it was a one time thing, but you need to stop. You’re lucky you and Fandral didn’t get caught. Your career won’t survive another rehab trip or rumours that you're cheating on Tony.

It wasn’t as if they could explain to Mobius what had happened, so they just didn’t reply. They pulled the baked oats out of the oven just in time for Fandral to walk into the room. They had to remind themself to relax when they felt arms wrap around them from behind. 

“God, Lokes, have I ever told you how much I love you?”

They hummed. “I love you too.”

———————————————

The week went by faster than Loki had ever wanted it to. A week with Fandral. They were actually okay. They went out a few more times, but Loki guarded their drinks despite Fandral calling them dramatic. They watched movies and played games, things they hadn’t been able to do in months. It was as if they were okay again, and Loki couldn’t get enough. 

Travelling to Milan was better with Fandral there, but they knew what they were getting off to. Tony was already in Milan and they had a coffee date. Of course they did. They were going to have a very long week with Tony, but Mobius wasn’t shifting. He wouldn’t cancel any of the activities. Fandral left the airport in a huff, and Loki couldn’t blame him. They had hoped that their week together would’ve sated his anger, even just a little bit, but it didn’t seem to have worked. They got in the car waiting for them and headed straight for the cafe. 

Tony was already waiting at the cafe when Loki arrived. He was sitting outside with a coffee in front of him, and a coffee on the other side of the table. His brown hair wasn’t styled like it usually was when he was out in public, but then Loki remembered that it was meant to be a break from tour. He probably didn’t want to make much of an effort. 

“You took your time,” he said when Loki walked over. 

They took a seat opposite Tony. “Traffic.”

He hummed noncommittally. “Sure.”

They thought for a moment. “How was the Europe leg?”

“Good,” he replied. “Learned that pasta is so much better in Italy than anywhere else. Tried snails, they were fucking awful. Went to the Eiffel Tower. The Berlin Wall. It was cool.”

They raised a brow. “Where are you off next?”

“The UK. It’s only a couple weeks so it’s nice. We’ve tried to make our UK tours longer because there’s so many places bands don’t normally go. It’ll be nice. I’ve never been to Wales before. Only been to Scotland once and it was just Glasgow, so it’ll be nice to explore there a bit more.” He shrugged. “Food’s shit though.”

They chuckled. “It’s definitely different to American food.”

He raised a brow. “You’ve been in London?”

They nodded. “Yeah. Wanted to go home for a bit. It was fine.”

“Don’t you like it there?” He asked. 

“I do. I mean- it’s home. I was born and raised in London,” they replied. “But any time I go there it’s seen as a dig to Thor and Odin. Like- I accidentally went back the same day Thor opened in a play and you would’ve thought I’d killed someone.”

He was quiet for a moment. “He’s opened to good reviews.”

They nodded. “I’m happy for him.”

“Have you told him that?”

“No, and I probably never will,” they replied. “I haven’t spoken to him in years.”

He raised a brow. “Maybe now’s a good time to start again?”

“The last time I spoke to him was after I went no contact with Odin, and he cursed me out for ‘abandoning my father’ and said that I should be grateful for all he did for me.” They shook their head. “No, Thor’s too wrapped around Odin’s finger for us to have a relationship. I can’t do it.”

Tony was uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. “I cut my dad out before he died. I don’t regret it, but I wish I’d said goodbye, y’know? He- he was a dick and I hate him, but a part of me feels fucking awful that I never said goodbye. I don’t know why. I really don’t know why, because I still fucking hate him.”

“Sometimes we miss the person we wanted them to be rather than the person they were,” they said. “Your father was a businessman, right?” He nodded at that. “How many times have you been told that he was a really good person? Or that you’re lucky to be related to him?”

He chuckled bitterly. “Every time I see anyone he worked with.”

“If everyone thinks one way then you must be wrong, right?” It took ages for them to stop questioning that when it came to Thor and Odin. “It doesn’t change how you feel, or your experience with Howard. I’m sorry you never got to say goodbye to him.”

He raised a brow. “How do you know about Howard?”

“I googled you so if anyone ever asked me anything then I’d be able to answer,” they replied. “You’re fucking boring.”

He gasped. “Hey! You’re not fun to research either- and I’m sure there’s a lot more about you than there is me- I only got famous at twenty-one.”

“Twenty-one seems like a good age though,” they said. “You were old enough to understand the basics of fame and you could make your own decisions.”

He snorted. “Still young enough to fuck up.”

“I haven’t met a single famous person who hasn’t fucked up at some point.” They shrugged. “Drugs, alcohol, sex- everyone’s gone too deep into something. Fame’s fucking awful and it’s hard to deal with it.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I didn’t realise how bad it would be. People just shit on everything, don’t they? And they want to know everything but they want perfection- and the tabloids? Fucking awful.”

There was something refreshing about Tony, and Loki couldn't get enough. They didn't know anyone who would've cursed the media so freely. “They forget that we’re human as well.”

“What was it like to get famous so early?” He asked. “I mean- it was shit for me at twenty-one. What were you? Like- five?”

“Seven.” They frowned. “Odin controlled my life. Put me into acting, and I loved it. When I won my Olivier he put me into modelling. It sort of went to shit after that. I mean- theatre was great. There was a lot of protection- and I could still go to school. Sort of. Depending on the days. I couldn’t when I started modelling. I was always in shoots. And it was a whole different industry- a power hungry one. It was awful. A lot of travelling with my agent at the time, who- yeah. It’s better now.”

Tony raised a brow. “It doesn’t seem better.”

They shrugged. “I don’t think anyone wants child stars to grow up. So when I did- they fucking hated me for ages. Still do. It’s tiring. But I have to grow up and at this point- I can’t be fucked to give a shit about what people think about me.”

He smirked. “Yeah. You totally don’t give a shit.”

“You try being called a whore, attention-seeker, narcissistic dickhead, meth-head and slurs every day. It stops getting to you after nineteen years,” they replied. “It’s annoying, but shit happens.”

“Are any of them accurate though?” He asked. 

They rolled their eyes. “Debatable. Actually- meth-head gets to me. Only ever done meth once that I can remember.”

He chuckled. “Only once.”

They raised a brow. “You’ve never done drugs?”

“Not many times. Hated it. Alcohol was my thing,” he replied. “Been sober almost a year now.”

They couldn’t help but smile. “Doing anything nice for it?”

“Nice?”

“I used to get my favourite takeaway and watch my favourite movie when I hit a milestone. A month, six months, a year- just something nice.” They shrugged. “It’s stupid, but- it was something to- I guess take my mind off of it.”

He raised a brow. “You don’t do it anymore?”

They shook their head. “Fandral doesn’t like it, and it’s awkward if he’s there.”

“Why doesn’t he like it?” He asked. 

“I don’t know. Like I said, it’s stupid anyway.” They shrugged. 

He frowned. “I don’t think it is. Normally I just sit in a dark room alone and don’t do anything. Maybe this time I’ll get takeout and watch a movie. Sounds better than locking myself in a dark room and wishing I could have a drink.”

They smiled a little. “Sometimes a dark room can be good as well.”

“Is that what you do now?” He asked. 

They hesitated. “I don’t know. I’ll have to figure it out when I hit a month.”

Tony’s face fell. “What?”

“Apparently I have no self control when I’m drunk,” they replied. “And it depends if you count something being put in my drink.”

There was silence that Loki didn’t even want to think into. “What the fuck?”

They shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t remember the first one. I didn’t know. Fandral told me last week that he gave me a key, and then after that I apparently found some acid. I don’t know. I don’t remember any of it. It’s not a big deal anyway. I should've known better.”

“I meant something being slipped into your drink but that’s something,” Tony said. “Fandral gave you drugs?”

They really had to watch what they said around Tony. “He just wanted to help me relax, and- he doesn’t get sobriety. He just does shit and doesn’t get addicted. The lucky fucker.”

“Loki, that isn’t okay,” he replied. “He shouldn’t be giving you shit. I mean- he shouldn’t even be taking stuff around you. The band don't drink around me because they care enough that they give a shit. He should do the same.”

They frowned. “Can we move on?”

“No, Loki. He’s- he’s fucking awful. He’s the reason you’ve been going out partying all week, right?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “He’s not good for you. If I’m saying that, you know it’s fucking bad- I know we don’t get along but this- this is shit. You deserve better."

They shook their head. “He was fine before we happened.”

He looked like he was about to say something but shook his head. “What about the drink?”

“Some guy slipped something into my drink, but Fandral found me and took me home,” they replied. “Nothing happened.”

They woke up in bed naked next to Fandral, so they could guess that something happened, but it was with Fandral. That was fine, wasn’t it? Tony was just being dramatic about all of it. Fandral was perfect and they were happy. Loki was happy with him. 

“Sure. Okay.” He sighed. “Look, I’m sorry about what I said that night. I meant what I said in my text.”

They shook their head. “You don’t need to apologise, Tony. It’s fine. Completely fine.”

“Are you sure? I just- I don’t want to overstep any boundaries-”

“Tony, it’s fine. Let’s just drop it.”

If there was one thing Loki had yet to learn about Tony, it was the fact that he absolutely wouldn’t drop it.