Thing vs E. Honda
"Now where is Ryu! Where is Zangief! Where is Guile! You will tell me, you ugly... rocky... thing!!"
"I'm TRYIN’ to tell ya pal, but I don't—MMMPPGGHHHPHH!!"
Ben Grimm, the ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing, idol o' millions, groaned as his face was engulfed yet again. He'd love to answer, but unfortunately for him his opponent’s interrogation method left a little something to be desired.
Rather than toss him over his lap like a proper fella, E. Honda was interrogatin' him by repeatedly slamming his ass down on his face.
Thing took a huge gulp of air as those fat, hefty buns lifted up, freeing him to talk again. "Like I was sayin’, I dunno! Us heroes are looking for our own missing guys! We haven't had time to kidnap nobody else!"
It was true. Captain America, Hulk, Wolverine—they'd all vanished too. It'd been a week since they'd all gone missing, and the whole multiversal conflict situation had gotten even more chaotic since. Now superheroes, street fighters, and everybody else was just openly fighting each other in the streets, trying in vain to locate their missing friends and teammates. It was becoming downright commplace to see whole teams of heroes fleeing scenes of battle with tears streaming down their faces and the seats of their pants ripped away.
E. Honda evidently didn't like that answer though. He just gave a sneer and flexed his big sumo butt again. "Lies!" he said, before once more slamming the whole bulk of it down.
"Aw c'mon, not ag—MMMMPHPPHGGGHHH!!"
Thing beat on the love handles helplessly. Ben Grimm was a strong guy, but at the moment there was no contest in who was tougher. It was like the self-righteous spirit of Sumo itself had inhabited E. Honda and filled him with power.
And the only sight uglier than his own mug, he'd fast discovered, were two big, hefty cakes descending on it over and over.
At least Thing wasn't the only one. Wonder Man. Alpha Flight's Puck. Ka-Zar. Even the friggin' Silver Surfer. They all lay dazed and defeated, victims of a killer ass-smash from hell. Imprints of E. Honda's sizable cheeks were smashed into concrete all around, telling the story. In short, that the champion sumo was on a rampage. Only Thing had been able to withstand the assault so far.
He took another big gasp when the butt cheeks lifted up. "Have you tried the villains? Maybe they—MMMPPHHGHHHGHHH!!"
They came down on him again. Over and over those fat buns smashed down, pounding him just as soundly as if they were the sumo's broad fists. Thing had never experienced anything like it. Well, okay, a few times on Battleworld maybe, but he didn't like to talk about those. In a way, Thing had to actually admire the crudeness of it all. E. Honda was a guy he might like to get a beer with sometime.
"L-listen, could ya at least freakin' SPANK me instead of sittin' on my face?!" he yelled when E. Honda lifted again. "I can't get a word in edgewise around here!"
E. Honda raised an eyebrow. "You are... asking me to punish you?"
"No, I'm askin' ya to let me talk! But I'll settle for what I can get."
E. Honda considered, then gave a slow nod. "Very well. But if this is some trick..."
"It's not," Thing muttered as he was re-arranged. A few moments later he groaned at what he'd gotten himself in for. It was right around the time his trunks were peeled down. "Oh, if Aunt Petunia could see me now..."
To his dismal non-surprise, E. Honda spanked as hard as he sat. His big, calloused hands were hard as paddles, and came down like pistons. To make matters worse, Thing had been put in the vulnerable 'wheelbarrow' position. His rocky legs were spread on either side of E. Honda's thick waist with his bare butt upturned for easy access. He winced as his cheeks bounced and clenched under the pounding whacks.
"N-nngh! Okay. Now look pal, I seriously don't know where your friends are. Like I said, us heroes have guys—Oof!—missin' too. Y'know what that tells me? That maybe the same guy is behind both our—OUCH!—problems!"
E. Honda raised an eyebrow and bestowed another series of hard, hearty slaps. Each whack hurt harder than the last. "Go on."
"A-auughh! Okay okay. Me and the Fantastic Four, we got this archnemesis, right? His name is Doctor Doom. Don't laugh. But this whole—YEEOOUCH!—rotten business—heroes being—nngh—pitted against each other—it stinks of him!"
"And you think this Doom person may be behind the kidnappings?"
"Call it a gut instinct. I know it ain't a lot to go on—AOOW!—but it wouldn't be the first time he's pulled this kinda trick either. I'm tellin' ya, this whole thing has his finger prints all over it." Thing jerked and shouted as he got a hard slap right to the base of his rocky butt. "Or should I say hand prints!"
There was a moment of long silence as the spanking finally, mercifully, died down. Thing thanked his lucky stars for small favors. Then E. Honda simply said, "I believe you."
"Wait—you do?"
"Yes. They say men can see each other's true spirit when exchanging blows in battle. Well, the same goes for blows in punishment." E. Honda kneaded the two broad, round boulders of Thing's rump. They felt red-hot under his hands. "Most fighters would have succumbed to tears by now and begged me to stop, but your wish to aid your comrades has allowed you to keep your ass raised high for my unrelenting palm! I can tell you have a noble soul, Ben Grimm."
"Er. Well thanks."
"And if what you say is true, then both our sides must work together to seek this Doom person out!"
Thing shook his head. "I'd like nothin' better, pal, but I don't think that's gonna happen. Without Cap around, I can't even get the other heroes to agree to meet, much less work together. Can you say otherwise about the Street Fighters?"
The sumo bit his lip. "Honestly... no," he admitted. "To tell the truth, we are far more used to fighting amongst ourselves than any unified action."
He let Thing up, and the first thing the Marvel hero did was grab his ass, rubbing the two heavy mounds with a groan. "Thought so," he said, "Sounds like it's up to the two of us, then. Because hey, our buddies may be hard-headed numbskulls, but that ain't true about us, right?"
It took a moment for E. Honda to understand what Thing was getting at, then he gave a boisterous laugh. "Of course not! We're the two smartest guys here!"
"'Course we are! So it's agreed we're a team then?"
"Yes. Agreed."
The two shook hands as equals, albeit with one of them still bare-ass and sporting some impressively sore buns.
"In that case, there's just one thing we gotta do before we head off to Latveria."
"Oh, and what's that?"
"Equalize this partnership just a smidge."
In a flash Thing pulled E. Honda hard by the hand, yanking him off-balance. He threw the surprised sumo to the ground, then stepped over him, centering his round, rocky butt.
"Pucker up, buttercup."
He slammed his ass, just once, right on E. Honda's astounded painted face.