Star-Lord vs X
X's face darkened as he scanned the city. Superheroes flying through the sky battling street fighters, darkstalkers, and each other. Infinity gems. World-shaking cataclysms of all kinds. None of the events were in his history banks. Had he been thrown into an alternate reality, as well as through time?
And yet something in his programming, a forgotten line of code somewhere, settled into place. He knew exactly what he should do. He looked down at his palm. He'd always been a strong believer in justice. Now was the time to uphold it.
Case in point, his scan located a crime taking place. There may not have been any rogue mavericks in the timeline he found himself in, but X still had a duty to perform.
* * * * *
Peter Quill, aka the intergalactic criminal/hero/heart-throb Star-Lord hopped the turnstile and made his way up to the street, bag of groceries in hand. So far so good. Now all he had to do was make his way back to his ship, where he could get started on—
The energy blast that hit the ground nearly made him scream. He covered for it with a deep, very manful yell instead.
The thing pointing it's gun... arm at him looked robotic. But an advanced form of robotics he'd never seen before, even out among the stars.
"Maverick Hunter X, reporting for duty," it said, "Drop the stolen goods on the ground and back away, slowly."
Stolen? So it was some kind of police-bot?
"Sorry buddy," he said carefully, "With all the fighting going on in the city, a lot of store owners skipped town. I didn't want this stuff to go to waste, so I figured there'd be no harm in helping myself—"
"You could have left some money on the counter."
Star-Lord stared. "Look, I haven't been on Earth in a while and don't exactly have any Benjamins on me. I swear I'll come back and pay later, okay?"
"I find that doubtful. Especially since I recorded seven or eight other misdemeanors you committed just on your way back here."
Star-Lord winced. "Hey man, look—I'm not a criminal. I'm... I'm a Guardian of the Galaxy! You heard of us, right? So taking this stuff wasn't stealing. It was just, uh, requisitioning supplies for..."
"I’ll tell you again to drop it." The end of X's canon glinted. "You have ten seconds to comply."
Great, back on Earth for less than a day and he'd already run into a killer robot. Well, maybe "killer" was the wrong word. From what he'd seen on various battle reports around the city, it was probably actually a killer spankbot.
Not Star-Lord’s first time running into one of those either, admittedly.
"Look, are you really out here accosting every two-bit looter you can find? In case you haven't noticed, there's a war between realities happening right now! Don't you think we should be focusing on that?"
"Very well," said X, "In that case, that's a war we happen to be on opposite sides of."
His buster cannon fired, incinerating the bag of groceries.
So they had a firefight. Of course they did. Star-Lord turned his blaster on him, running and ducking and dodging through the street. And he lasted about five seconds before a charged shot from X's cannon sent him flying. He landed sprawled on the ground, ass in the air. Not a position anyone wanted, especially in the crossover they were currently stuck in. Before he could get to his feet he heard a cry of "BOOMERANG CUT!" and something sharp whizzed by. After it passed, he felt a conspicuous draft.
He felt the seat of his pants and groaned. Yeah. They were no longer there. The damn robot had just cut a hole right through to his ass.
"Well we certainly don't have those in the future."
Star-Lord grimaced. Of course he'd chosen that day to wear his raccoon-print thong. A gag-gift from Rocket ages ago. Only worn in the most trying of circumstances (ie. any given laundry day).
"Pal," he said, "I very much doubt that."
He rolled and fired, but a force grabbed those undies and suddenly yanked! He gave a loud yipe as he was dragged up into the air and dropped his gun in shock. X was holding him by his waistband, having moved extremely quickly due to his leg's acceleration rotors. He eyed the human's backside, fully visible through the hole in his pants. Only mildly hairy, and decidedly perky.
"Hey, whoa whoa whoa! Asimov's three laws! Aren't you not allowed to hurt me or something??"
X considered that, then nodded. "Indeed, my programming rebels at the very thought of inflicting harm on any life form. Pacifism has always been my truest desire. However, I believe I have a way to discipline you that will, in fact, save you a great deal of pain in the long run."
He knelt and spread Star-Lord over a hard metal knee. Something clicked into place in his programming. Yes, this was what he'd been designed for. Not hunting Mavericks, but... punishing them. Baring and humiliating them. This was what he should have been doing from the beginning.
As the first whack came on his exposed, wedgied ass, Star-Lord could only wail. "Buddy, I think we have very different definitions of violence!!"
* * * * *
His team found him a couple hours later. Well, the guys did. Gamora, thankfully, was out on a mission of her own.
He hung from a street light as they rounded a corner and immediately started cracking up. Of course they did. The height of compassion, his team.
"Hah! And he says he's not related to baboons. Look at that butt!"
It took Star-Lord a moment to understand what Rocket meant. Then he frowned hard. "M-my butt isn't normally this color!"
His ass was still very much bared and hanging from his thong, leaving most of it exposed. And of course the cheeks were spanked a bright, humiliating shade of red.
"Oh, it's not?" Rocket scratched his head. "Oh yeah, I guess you're right. Then why's it so red? Don't tell us you got..."
"The human has been spanked," Drax said matter-of-factly.
"What, for real?" the raccoon asked in joyful amazement. "Quill, the way you described your home planet always made it sound so boring! But if they're having that kinda fun, maybe we oughta stick around. Show 'em how it's done."
"You guys can if you want," Star-Lord said miserably. "I just want to head back out to space. Can you get me down already?"
Drax and Groot set themselves to the task, but Rocket was already raring to go. "Yeah yeah, I'll catch up with you guys later, okay?"
"I am Groot?" questioned Groot.
"Yeah yeah, I'll be fine. Not like baboon-butt here," Rocket snickered. He scurried down an alley, leaving them on their own.
He was gonna find himself some choice street fighter butt to blister.