Chapter 15
Gahyeon woke up every few hours, her head hurting and her stomach turning. She had plain smoothies with lighter fruits with a few vitamin and protein powders mixed in. It made her nauseous after a while, but she didn’t want to upset the two further.
“You’re up?” Siyeon mumbled when she noticed Gahyeon was wide awake. “How are you feeling?” She asked.
“I hurt.” Gahyeon’s voice was hoarse, tired and even soft.
“Hurt? Hurt where?” Siyeon sat up, watching the younger woman curl into herself. “Too much smoothie?” She whispered, watching her nod her head. “Alright…”
Gahyeon thought it was stupid to have someone follow her into the bathroom. Really she could’ve just left the door open, but Siyeon insisted. She sat on a towel on the floor, close to the toilet just in case she heaved. She wasn’t even sure if she would, she just knew her stomach hurt terribly.
“Do you have work tomorrow?” Gahyeon asked quietly.
“Don’t worry about it,” Siyeon muttered.
“You should be sleeping…”
“I just said for you to not worry about it,” The older woman sighed.
Gahyeon rested her head against the cabinet next to her, deciding to stare at the floor and try to ignore the feeling she had. It was a horrible sour feeling in her stomach. She hated it.
She closed her eyes, trying not to let the feeling overwhelm her. But she couldn’t. It was a horrible vile feeling and she knew how to remedy it. She just hated it.
“What happened?” Handong mumbled when Gahyeon climbed back into the bed.
“I think we should lighten up on the smoothies… she got sick from it,” Siyeon frowned.
“What else can she eat? She can’t just…” Handong frowned when she felt the younger woman snuggle into her hold, letting out a small yawn. The older woman caught the smell of mint and knew that they were going to have to figure something else out. “Maybe… maybe broth…” She whispered while holding the younger woman tighter. “Until she’s cleared to eat again,” She whispered.
It had taken an extra week or two before Gahyeon was able to really eat. Handong and Siyeon made sure the younger wasn’t too overwhelmed with her food options, easing her back into eating normally slowly rather than placing a giant plate in front of her.
Handong noticed the dramatic weight loss in the younger. Lack of solid foods and general eating caused her to drop a lot of weight faster than anticipated. So when she was allowed to eat, Handong couldn’t wait to get her back to a healthy weight.
“It was entirely too stressful,” Siyeon sighed.
Gahyeon glanced over at the two, barely listening to their conversation about their day. Handong spoke of a few news articles she read while Siyeon talked about her work day. Gahyeon had very little input since she was in and out of sleep all day and ate a little bit. She didn’t even read anymore. Her entire body was just exhausted.
“And what about you, Gahyeon?” Siyeon asked.
“I slept,” Gahyeon answered quietly.
“All day?” Siyeon frowned.
Gahyeon heard the hushed whispering from the couple after dinner. They weren’t sure about much, we’re sure if Gahyeon was doing better. She knew she was fine, she just had to get through whatever pit she was trapped in. Everything felt hopeless. And she was so tired. So tired of life… which was why she slept. She couldn’t bear to do anything else. Her mind was clouded and if she slept then she wouldn’t have to think. Dreamless sleep was always the best kind.
She found herself on the couch days later, barely waking up when she heard another voice. She kept her eyes shut, listening to the voices grow clearer.
“Why not get back into dancing again? It’s something she really enjoyed.”
“Her knees are too weak. We’d have to build them up again,” Handong sighed. “She can’t just jump into it. Especially since she’s been sleeping so much…”
“Why not something else then?”
“Like?”
Gahyeon slowly opened her eyes, seeing the one person she was never expecting to see. Well, two people.
“Someone is finally awake,” Bora smiled before placing a hand on Gahyeon’s head.
Gahyeon’s eyes closed at the soft touch, feeling her fingers raking through her still short hair. It was relaxing… so relaxing.
“How are you feeling?” Minji asked with a concerned frown.
“Tired…” Gahyeon admitted quietly.
“Yeah… that’s expected,” Bora chuckled.
“We were just chatting about things you can do again,” Handong whispered while urging Gahyeon to sit up.
The younger slowly sat up, rubbing her eyes from any sleep that was still lingering. She wasn’t sure how long she was asleep, but it was clearly long enough to see that the sun was starting to set.
“Do you think you’d be up to dancing again?” Bora asked quietly, watching Gahyeon shrug her shoulders.
“I’m not very good at standing anymore…” Gahyeon admitted. “It really hurts…” She frowned.
“Maybe something she can do… sitting?” Minji asked.
“It’s okay… I’m hoping to… start reading again,” Gahyeon shrugged.
Bora nodded her head, deciding to shuffle closer to the younger woman and continue her actions. There was no doubt in Gahyeon’s mind that everyone knew what was going on by now. She was honestly shocked that people were caring enough about her.
After a few days, Gahyeon had woken up, but found no one in the apartment. She saw a message from Handong, explaining she needed to go grocery shopping real quick and would be back in under an hour. Gahyeon replied, really just saying okay but didn’t have any plans for much else.
Her eyes landed on the closet, deciding it was probably time to change the hoodie she had been marinating in all morning. She showered the night prior, so she was clean but she was under blankets and starting to get sweaty.
So she walked over, throwing the doors open before flicking the light on. She took a few steps into the walk-in closet, looking for a very specific hoodie she loved wearing. When she didn’t find it on the hooks, she decided to check the floor, thinking it could’ve fallen when she found a box she didn’t expect to ever see again.
She pulled out the purple box and walked out to get better lighting. Her mind brought her back to better times, better memories. All tiny, fleeting moments of her past.
She sat next to the bed, lifting the lid off the box and saw so many different things.
The little stuffed panda that her sister attached her backpack… the little doodles and paintings she had done on mini canvases during her art classes… the journal she left behind…
Gahyeon frowned as she opened it, seeing her sister’s name on the front and the date it was started. She opened it to the first page, seeing the familiar handwriting…
I talked to dad about therapy since mom isn’t the one to go to. He told me I was fine and nothing was wrong with me. That my mind was just relaxing at night and it makes me think of horrible things… he reminded me again of his horrible job and made me feel terrible. I hate this feeling but it is my fault isn’t it?
I read a book in the library today. I couldn’t check it out because I don’t have a library card. All I have is my mom’s and she has so many fines on it… I don’t understand why she couldn’t just return the books on time… it was a really good book. I wonder if I can get away with staying there longer tomorrow and finishing it. I hope it isn’t checked out… I want to read it so badly.
Gahyeon frowned as she turned to the next page, seeing a new entry. The very next day.
The book wasn’t checked out! I was so relieved. I sat in the aisle and just read through it. I got severely punished for not coming home, but that’s okay. I was happy being in my own fantasy world. Dad asked me why I didn’t just check the damn book out but I said the library card had fines on it… I started another fight in the house. I didn’t mean to. I just explained why I couldn’t just take the book out… mom is angry with me so much that she hit me for telling dad about the fines. But it isn’t my fault she checked out all of the weird romance novels and didn’t return them on time…
Gahyeon sighed before looking at the next one.
I got my own library card but now no one will take me to the library. I resorted to the school library but I can’t find books that I want to read. They’re all too educational and too tame. Not that I want something explicit, I just don’t want an educational story. I want to escape from the world I’m stuck in. I want to be happy just for a few hours… kind of like finding a magic tree house… I like those books… too bad I outgrew them… not that I think they’re childish, just I finish them in five minutes and I want more and there are only so many books…
She shut the journal, feeling tears well up in her eyes. Her sister was finding escapes and then writing about them… little moments of happiness…
Gahyeon let out a small, shaky sigh as she continued to sort through the box. Her eyes landed on the unopened envelope that was given to her at her sister’s funeral.
She turned the envelope over a few times in her hands, staring it down. The only thing left that separated her from true closure and acceptance. Her sister’s final letter to her.
“Gahyeon?”
The younger looked up, seeing Handong standing in the doorway.
“I… I found it…” Gahyeon whispered.
“I can see that,” Handong spoke carefully and calmly as she moved closer. She knelt down next to the younger, watching her carefully.
“She used to keep this on her backpack…” Gahyeon whispered while holding up the little panda keychain. “She used to say that she was going to meet someone who loved pandas as much as she did and she was going to be their best friend forever…” She sniffed.
“How old was she when she said that?” Handong asked.
“We were little… but she kept saying it up until high school… she would wear it on every backpack just so she could strike up a conversation with someone about it…” Gahyeon frowned while leaning toward Handong.
The older woman took her in her arms, holding her while she reminisced. She never heard stories about the late Yoohyeon, only that she was a great person.
“Yubin likes pandas… she loves them actually…” Handong whispered.
“Yoohyeon would’ve loved her…” Gahyeon mumbled.
“I think she would’ve…” Handong sighed.
It was quiet. A near comfortable quiet. A little shaky, but comfortable. Gahyeon was coming to terms with things she had buried and now it was catching up to her.
“Are you okay?” Handong asked.
“I’ll eventually be okay,” Gahyeon frowned. “I just don’t know what to do with myself right now… and it’s scary…” her legs folded under her with a wince, causing Handong to frown.
“How about… we get you to go on little walks… just to get your knees back to how they used to be before you need surgery… and then… we can see what you can do to help okay?” Handong suggested. She was expecting Gahyeon to say no, to fight it, but she wasn’t met with a fight or a denial.
“Okay… I-I can try that…” Gahyeon whispered.