Chapter 11
The adjustment period was hard. Gahyeon was asked to leave her job, causing her to spiral. Nothing felt complete in her life and she ended up staying in her bedroom at her parents' place, not allowing her any privacy.
“It’s a bit much to take my door off… don’t you think?” Gahyeon muttered while watching her father drag the door away from her bedroom.
“We just don’t want you to be hurt like that again with a barrier,” Her mother frowned.
“Could just take the doorknob off…” Gahyeon mumbled.
She stayed in bed for a total of two days, not bothering to do more than the bare minimum since she had nothing to do. She showered, ate regular meals, and then rested in bed. Her body was tired, but she made it work.
She was quiet. Too quiet for everyone. Her parents worried for her, and tried to get her to talk, but would get very little out of her. Nothing was working but their daughter was somewhat normal. She was still eating. Still showering… just wasn’t talking.
After the first week of being home, Siyeon would visit, trying to get anything out of Gahyeon, only for her to dismiss everything, just ignoring her essentially. It hurt the older woman to think that Gahyeon had shut herself off from the world completely, but she knew she needed to at least try to get her out of it.
“She tried what?!” Minji gasped the second Siyeon told her everything.
“She’s been out of the hospital for a week and she hasn’t spoken to me but her parents got maybe five words out of her,” Siyeon sighed before pushing her glass around the table.
“She… Why… I know why,” Minji groaned before resting her head on the table. “And she hasn’t spoken to you?” She asked.
“Not one word. Hasn’t even looked at me,” Siyeon frowned.
“Maybe… Maybe Dongie can get her to talk. She got her to talk before, she can probably do it again,” Minji suggested.
“No.” Siyeon glared at her half-empty glass, not wanting to call the person who was definitely the cause of everything.
“Sing… Dongie can get through to her like no one else,” Minji whispered.
“Why should I call her and have her torment Gahyeon more? She’s probably still with that guy and it’s just going to hurt her even more to see her,” Siyeon growled.
“But she’ll talk,” Minji sighed.
Gahyeon sat in her bed, paging through a blank journal. Something her new therapist had asked her to try. She had tried journaling her thoughts before, only for her to forget or for her previous parents to find her journal. They had caused so much emotional damage to her mind she couldn’t keep these types of things around. Afraid that someone would find them and see just how she really felt.
She didn’t expect much from her life anymore. She was broken. So broken that not even her parents knew what to do. She didn’t blame them. They were kind enough people. At least to her, they were.
She landed on a blank page somewhere near the middle, seeing a little deer walking along a snow-filled path with a few trees on it. She placed a finger on the deer, feeling a horrible sadness overwhelm her. She wanted to be like that. Wandering the snow-filled forest… Her only worries were if she would be killed by a hunter, a wolf, a bear, or the cold temperature… Not these worries now. Not the ones that should mean nothing…
“Are you busy?”
A familiar voice pulled her from her mind, forcing her back to reality and to gaze up at the woman that brought her so much grief. So much pain and suffering in such a short amount of time. Her eyes welled with tears at the sight of the woman, causing the newcomer to walk across the small space and hold her hand.
“I’m sorry things ended the way they did,” Handong whispered. “Things… Shouldn’t have ended at all… Just paused until I figured my life out again,” She sighed. “But that side of me is over… I don’t want you to feel pressured to come back into my life like that, but I want you to talk…” She glanced up, seeing the tears now actively rolling down Gahyeon’s cheek. “Oh, come here…” Handong immediately pulled the younger woman into a tight embrace, holding her close.
“Don’t leave me like that,” Gahyeon whimpered against her chest. “I hated every single day…” She cried.
“I know,” Handong frowned while rubbing her back. “I saw…” She sighed.
It was only ten minutes before the two were laying in the same, small bed, facing one another. Dong would keep all the little strands of hair out of her face, wiping away stray tears that would fall… Anything just to let the younger woman understand that she wasn’t leaving.
“You left him?” Gahyeon whispered.
“I did,” Handong answered. “Two weeks ago,” She added.
“Was he horrible to you?”
“Never… I just… Didn’t feel the same,” Handong sighed. “He was very kind… Don’t worry.”
Nothing felt better than that familiar moment. To be in her arms and feel the safety and comfort just oozing from her. To feel that she could finally breathe and everything would be okay. Her mind wasn’t nearly as scattered or foggy. All she wanted was to stay there forever, but it never lasted forever.
“I should get going… Before your parents come home and see us like this,” Handong mumbled.
“Please don’t leave,” Gahyeon whimpered while holding her tightly.
“Love, I need to… Your parents will assume you’re cheating on Siyeon at this rate,” Handong frowned.
“But it isn’t like that! Please don’t leave me again,” Gahyeon cried.
Handong hated to see the younger woman crying. Hated to see the tears rolling down her cheeks. She hated every single moment of it all. She placed a hand on her cheek, trying to calm her before she sobbed into a coughing fit. She didn’t want to be the cause of more tears. She hated it. Hated knowing that she caused all of this.
“How about this… I’ll come back tomorrow, and we can work out a schedule for you to stay with me every so often… Just to get you out of this house,” Handong offered.
“You promise?” Gahyeon whispered.
“I promise.”
As the days progressed, Gahyeon opened up more. She would talk with Siyeon when she would visit and even accepted both visitors at once. Handong would get Gahyeon to smile and laugh and it would make Siyeon feel so much better to just hear the laughter that had been hidden from their lives for weeks.
Before Gahyeon knew it, she had a little bag packed and was already going to be spending the night away from her parents.
“You have everything?” Her father asked.
“Yes,” Gahyeon muttered.
“Your medication?” Her mother frowned.
“Yes.”
“Extra clothes?”
“Yes.”
“What about–”
“Mom!” Gahyeon interrupted. “I’ll be okay,” She sighed.
After the barricade of parents, she walked outside to see Siyeon waiting for her. She hopped in the car, letting her girlfriend take her to the only place she felt like she was going to be able to breathe in.
“Excited?” Siyeon asked while holding her hand.
“Nervous,” Gahyeon frowned.
“Don’t be,” Siyeon whispered. “Dongie’s been waiting for this day all week,” She chuckled. “I bet she’s more nervous than you are,” She smiled.
“Sing… Is it bad that… I’m… Not okay?” Gahyeon frowned, immediately changing the conversation. “Am I… Hard to be around now because of this?” She asked quietly.
“No? I mean… We are going to second guess you if you ever make a joke about jumping in front of a car or something…” Siyeon muttered. She was being entirely truthful at that point. “But it’s just worrisome. Not tiring. Not a burden… None of that. Okay?”
Gahyeon nodded her head, accepting the words slowly. She let them sit in her brain before fully digesting it, allowing herself to feel okay. If Siyeon didn’t see her as a burden, then maybe she could start to enjoy this night away from her own little depression bubble.
The apartment hadn’t changed, minus a few little things, but it wasn’t drastic. Gahyeon looked around at the familiarity, happy to be somewhere she felt the most at home. Happy that she could be herself a little more there than at home.
“So what is on the agenda tonight?” Siyeon asked while leaning on the counter.
“Do you not trust me?” Handong chuckled.
“I just don’t want to be blindsided,” Siyeon muttered.
“You’re staying?” Gahyeon asked, watching her girlfriend nod her head. “Do you not trust me?” She frowned.
“I trust both of you. I just don’t want to be home alone,” Siyeon chuckled nervously. “That and I missed hanging out,” She shrugged.
“We could just watch a movie,” Handong suggested.
Gahyeon continued wandering through the apartment, hearing their conversation lighten the further she wandered away. She didn’t care much for what they had planned. She just wanted to breathe and she was starting to feel like she could. Her hands traced the intricate patterns on picture frames, allowing her to feel at ease the further she wandered down the hall. Soon enough, she found herself in Handong’s bedroom, and she wasn’t sure if she was even allowed to be in there anymore.
She wandered to the bed, placing a hand over the spot Handong always frequented. She dragged it across the silk duvet, her hand sliding under the pillow only to be met with a velvet fabric. She pulled it out, hearing the jingling of a bell the second she saw that it was her old collar.
Gahyeon felt her breath hitch. So many memories came flooding back. She wanted the structure. Wanted the rules of her own life to be back. She didn’t want to be free in the world. She wanted to be kept on a tight leash and treated perfectly.
She wanted to feel safe.
Handong continued her conversation with Siyeon, going back and forth on things that they could possibly do together. Both were about to give up when the younger of the pair felt a head hitting her arm. She glanced down, seeing the younger woman already headbutting her for attention.
“Can I help you?” Handong chuckled.
Gahyeon didn’t say a word. She only lifted her head up a little bit before handing the collar over to the dom. Both women froze at the sight of it, not sure what to do.
“Love… Are you…” Handong started.
“I want to put it on…” Gahyeon whispered.
“You’re dating Siyeon…” Handong reminded. “And… I… I can’t take advantage of you like that,” She sighed.
“You can own her.”
Handong looked over at the older woman, frowning at her words.
“On one condition… I want in as well.”