Chapter 10
Handong hated how she had to sit through a mediation meeting with everyone else in their little class. It was between her and Gahyeon. Maybe Bora, but even then it was just between her and Gahyeon.
“Glad everyone could make it,” Minji smiled while looking at the five other women that sat in the circle. “So today, we are going to have a little meeting… About behavior within the group,” Minji stated.
It was plain. Broad. Not pointing fingers at all.
Gahyeon looked around, seeing everyone looking at the floor. Everyone except Yubin. She looked entirely confused, frowning before looking at Minji.
“Why are we having a meeting?” Gahyeon whispered.
“Because it’ll do everyone good to just talk,” Minji kept her voice normal, even-toned.
“Talk about what? It’s my fault.”
Bora looked up, a little surprised that she took the blame so easily.
“I’m… sorry for being like this. Violent and mean… and I know you guys are really sick of it. I can’t help it sometimes and I tried really hard to keep myself normal last time…” Gahyeon whispered. “But it’s all my fault and no one else should be in trouble because of me,” she frowned.
Siyeon watched her with saddened eyes, knowing Gahyeon was beating herself up about the entire thing.
Minji, however, kept her guard up. Watching her carefully.
Gahyeon picked at the skin on her fingers, letting out a small breath.
“I’m just really sorry…” Gahyeon whispered. “I’ll leave and it’ll be better.”
Before anyone could protest or even pretend to protest, Gahyeon stood up from their little circle and left. She never took her bag off, knowing exactly what she was going to say and do. She didn’t plan on staying. She didn’t bother to slow her gait, she didn’t want to be caught up with. She needed to be out.
She knew she wasn’t wanted there anyway so why make them feel guilty for something she did?
Handong sat in disbelief before glancing at Siyeon. The girl was unmoving, almost as if she knew something.
“Aren’t you going to chase after your girlfriend?” Handong asked quietly.
“She’s been thinking about it for a while. She told me this morning she was going to quit,” Siyeon shrugged.
“What else… Did she say?” Minji frowned, eyes never moving from the door.
“Just that,” she shrugged. “I think. This morning was a little hectic for me since I slept in,” she mumbled.
“What are you thinking?” Bora frowned when she caught onto her best friend’s concern.
“Sing… I think you should follow her…” Minji whispered. “Just in case…” she frowned.
“But why?” Siyeon frowned.
“You have a hunch don’t you…” Handong whispered.
“I do… Siyeon, please at least call her.” Minji urged.
Siyeon called her, hearing Gahyeon speak in a very even tone caused her to not entirely worry too much. Minji and Handong seemed to be okay, easing their worries before they heard Gahyeon talking to what seemed to be someone else.
“I think I’ll stay with my parents for a while… I need to be away…” Gahyeon muttered.
“If you think it’ll help…” Siyeon frowned. “Who are you talking to?” She asked.
“No one… Just… I’ll be okay.”
The conversation was short-lived, the line going dead before anything else was said. Minji didn’t entirely seem okay, but Handong on the other hand immediately pulled out her phone and handed it off to Minji.
“Oh?” Minji frowned when she saw the screen, the different things Handong kept tabs on. The various symptoms or actions could be used to figure out exactly what was going on with Gahyeon. “And you’re adding… To this list?” Minji asked.
“I don’t know what that was, but I think I should add it…” Handong whispered.
“What are you two talking about?” Siyeon asked before seeing the list. “What the fuck is that?” She glared.
“I’ve known Gahyeon the longest. She needs help Siyeon,” Handong frowned.
“I’m aware! That’s why we got her in therapy!” Siyeon scoffed. “Anger management, therapy, psychiatrists, a fucking sleep doctor to help her actually sleep and you’re saying I’m not having her get professional help?!” It was a pot that was bubbling over on the stove. Too hot and left unattended for too long.
“I’m thinking she needs more than that!” Handong shouted, matching the same angry concern.
“Whatever.” Siyeon threw her hands in the air, rolling her eyes before leaving. “If this meeting is over, then I’m leaving. I’m not going to sit here and be accused of not helping my girlfriend,” she grumbled.
“Siyeon-ah!” Minji called out, only to be ignored.
Yubin shifted on the floor, eyeing Bora who hadn’t said a word during their own little outburst. Yubin wasn’t exactly sure how to take anything and just stayed quiet.
“I think… this whole thing is going to fall apart…” Bora frowned.
“Don’t think like that,” Minji pointed.
“Minji… it is. Gahyeon just informally quit, Siyeon left… Yubin probably wants to quit at this point…” Bora sighed before rubbing her face with her palms. “I think it’s best if we just… stop this altogether.. not like it was worth anything to anyone. It was just for fun,” She shrugged before standing up. “Let’s just call it a night.”
Siyeon went home to an empty apartment, frowning when she saw Gahyeon’s things were gone. She didn’t like it. She hated it actually. All because of Handong’s stupid boyfriend. She rolled her eyes at the thought of him, shaking her head. He really should’ve waited until they were in the privacy of whoever’s house they went to that night to start talking about someone else. Especially someone like Gahyeon.
She couldn’t sleep that night. Tossing and turning in her bed. It was different now that she spent so long with someone else in her own bed. She wondered if Gahyeon was sleeping. She checked her phone, not seeing any messages from the younger woman at all, and decided to get out of bed since sleep was eluding her.
Siyeon found herself in the bathroom, trying to clear her mind when something screamed at her to check the medicine cabinet. She wasn’t sure why, but she did after splashing water on her face and patting it dry. She frowned when she saw the few prescription bottles still there, all Gahyeon’s. She wondered why she didn’t take them, and saw that they were her sleeping pills. She shrugged it off, thinking maybe she took one bottle since she said it would only be a few days. Just to recoup.
At least until Siyeon noticed more and more things that Gahyeon had left behind.
Phone charger… Her work bag… things that she would’ve taken with her to use daily if she were to be there…
She managed to get a few hours of sleep, waking up to her alarm and groggily getting ready for the day. She heard her phone go off while she was in the shower and frowned. The shower was supposed to wake her up, but nothing was really helping.
When she stepped out, she watched as the screen went black, signaling a missed call from an unknown number. She frowned at it, about to click call back when the same number popped up again, another call coming through.
“Hello?” She frowned as she answered the call.
“Siyeon, this is Gahyeon’s mother…”
It took an hour. An hour for her to get to the hospital, see Gahyeon’s parents, and see the tears. She had no idea what to expect. She hated herself for not seeing the signs. Hated herself for not being there for her own girlfriend.
It took a while before anyone was able to see the young woman, frowning the second they walked in. Gahyeon’s parents were busy crying and shouting at her while Siyeon stayed in the hall. She wasn’t afraid of walking in, but she was certainly not going to walk in in the middle of that argument. She waited for them to finally leave before she stepped in, seeing her girlfriend laying in the hospital bed, staring out the window.
It wasn’t much of a view, cloudy and full of buildings in the distance. Nothing much to really look at.
“I… I’m sorry,” Siyeon whispered before sitting down next to the bed. “I should’ve… Noticed more with you…” She frowned.
When she looked up, Gahyeon still wasn’t looking at her. She was still staring at the window, almost in a trance.
“Can you please talk to me?” Siyeon whispered, reaching out to touch her hand.
She wasn’t responsive and it scared her. Scared her that Gahyeon wasn’t ever going to get better. She had tried everything and she assumed nothing worked. Nothing would ever work.
Gahyeon sat in silence, not bothering to talk unless the doctors asked her questions. She hated that there was a nurse sitting across the room. Forced to watch her in case she tried to do something to herself again.
Her eyes dropped to the blanket, it was dark, only a little bit of light from the bedside lamp next to her was filtered through.
She didn’t want to be there anymore. She didn’t want to be anywhere anymore.
Everything hurt internally and she felt like nothing would ever get better.
“Do I really need to be watched?” Gahyeon’s voice was hoarse as she spoke, looking up at the nurse.
“Yes,” she spoke.
“What can I even do to myself here?” She frowned. “I’m not that stupid.”
“Stupid enough to attempt to take your own life,” the nurse scoffed.
Gahyeon frowned, looking down at the blanket again before her fingers started to fiddle with the ends. She wasn’t stupid. It was smart.
“My sister killed herself when I was younger,” Gahyeon whispered. “My biological parents were horrible people… they hurt us… beat us… and they hurt her more than I could ever imagine…” She frowned. She didn’t bother to look up, but she knew this nurse was probably mortified. “What parent hurts their tiny children?” She finally glanced up, seeing the horrified expression on the nurse’s face. “All my life… I’ve been told to just, stop and calm down… That if I just don’t think about it… I’ll be cured… but when will the thinking stop? When will it end? Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?” She frowned.
Her gaze dropped back to the blanket as she felt the tears forming in her eyes. She didn’t want to keep crying. She was over it. Over everything. She just wanted it all to end.
“My own friends are tired of me… if they’re still my friends… I know my parents are disappointed in me… and I’m sure if my biological family found out… they would be furious with me for not succeeding…” She sniffed. “So you tell me… Is it still stupid?” She glanced up, watching the nurse shake her head.
“But your life shouldn’t be valued by others,” She whispered. “Your life should be valued by you and you alone. No one else should have an influence on anything you do,” She frowned.
“And yet here we are.” Gahyeon leaned back in the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m not going to sleep very much… so… don’t be too concerned,” She mumbled.