Chapter 6
The second Siyeon left, Gahyeon carefully got ready. She showered, changed, and made sure her little space was cleaned. She left the apartment, making note of exactly where she was before heading out to find something to eat. She didn’t want to use anything from Siyeon's, not even her food.
She needed to figure everything out before things went south.
“Gahyeon?” The younger one froze at the familiar voice. She turned slightly, seeing Bora walk up to her. “What are you doing on my side of the river?” She chuckled.
“Uh…” Gahyeon looked down at the floor. “Just… hanging out,” she shrugged.
“Right… Anyway, what are your plans today?” She asked.
“Spending time with a friend really,” She shrugged. “They’re in charge of what we do today,” she sighed.
“In charge?” Bora frowned.
“Not like that… just haven’t seen them in a while and they have so much they want to do. So just leaving them in charge.” Gahyeon hoped that was enough explanation, and it seemed to be. She just hoped Bora wouldn’t go off and talk to Handong. But they were close, so she wouldn’t be surprised.
Gahyeon eventually left the older woman, choosing to get a coffee and breakfast and attempt to enjoy them. It was hard to enjoy it. Her mind was clouded and she hated the feeling. Hated feeling like she was discarded.
But she was.
She finished her meal, deciding to just go back and hide for the rest of the day. When she got back, she realized just how boring everything was. She sat on the couch, played a few games, and watched a few videos, nothing felt right.
It was off. She was in a home that wasn’t hers. A place that wasn’t familiar. And in a setting, she wasn’t used to. Siyeon didn’t tell her when she’d be back, and she wasn’t sure what she could or couldn’t do. So she stayed still, trying her hardest not to disrupt anything.
Siyeon came home late, frowning when she heard small sounds, only for her to realize Gahyeon was still there. She walked further into the small apartment, seeing the younger woman wrapped up in the blanket on the couch with her phone playing a video. She didn’t quite understand why she didn’t use the television to watch things since it was right there.
“Gahyeon-ah,” Siyeon whispered, gently shaking her.
Gahyeon stirred awake, jumping slightly at the sight of Siyeon.
“Sorry,” Siyeon quickly muttered. “Did you eat?” She asked.
Gahyeon had only eaten a small breakfast and went out for a very light snack for lunch and she was starving but she wasn’t going to say that.
“Yes,” she lied.
“Okay. Good,” Siyeon mumbled. “Me too,” She sighed. “I’m going to shower and get to bed. You can sleep there since the living room gets cold.” She stood up fully, moving to the hallway without listening to an answer from the younger woman.
“I’m fine…” Gahyeon whispered to herself.
Siyeon got out of the shower a while later, changing into comfortable clothes before walking out to check on Gahyeon again. She saw her passed out completely, shivering under the blanket on the couch.
“Gahyeon-ah…” Siyeon muttered before moving to carry her into the bedroom.
It took exactly five days before Gahyeon had another episode, causing Siyeon to understand exactly what Handong talked about. Gahyeon had rejected her completely, pushing her away, clawing at her arms and neck, trying to get her away before Siyeon wrapped the duvet around the younger woman, effectively trapping her while she sobbed.
“Fuck…” Siyeon mumbled while cleaning up her neck in the bathroom. She saw the different scratches that were a dark red compared to her skin.
When she walked back into the bedroom she saw Gahyeon was completely still, silently crying while still wrapped in the blanket. Handong really didn’t explain this part of their lifestyle in a good way. Left out a lot of details. Especially on how she usually calms her down.
The dom picked up her phone, clicked the contact, and walked out of the bedroom.
“What happened?” Handong asked immediately.
“How the fuck do you calm her down?” Siyeon growled.
“Another episode?”
“Yes,” Siyeon sighed before sitting on the couch. “Why are her nails long if she scratches like this?” She frowned.
“How bad?”
“All over my arms, my neck… She hurts…” Siyeon sighed.
“I told you she was getting worse…” Handong sighed. “What did you do?” She asked.
“I pretty much treated her like a cat. I burritoed her…” Siyeon mumbled. “She was laying on her side and crying when I left her.”
“She’ll cry herself to sleep or have another panic attack… the best you can do is just hold her and let her listen to your heartbeat. Unless she’s being violent… Burrito should work,” Handong explained. “Until she panics about being restricted,” She muttered.
“What,” Siyeon groaned. “She is the most contradictory sub I’ve ever met,” she complained.
“She gets in her head. You have to lead her, Siyeon.”
“I understand that.”
The call was short lived, leaving Siyeon with more questions than answers. She ran a hand through her black hair, deciding to just get everything over with. Right now, Gahyeon isn't a sub. She was someone who just needed comfort.
When she walked back in, Gahyeon was sitting up, the duvet barely kept around her. She was still sniffling and the entire scene broke Siyeon’s heart.
“Come up here,” Siyeon climbed into the bed, patting next to her. Gahyeon obliged, moving to sit facing her, but still next to her. “I don’t know what happened, and I’m not sure if you’ll ever tell me… But you’re safe here,” Siyeon whispered. “Now come here,” She pulled Gahyeon’s arm, forcing her into a tight hug.
She expected Gahyeon to fight it, to hesitate, anything but relax into her hold.
Gahyeon rested her head on Siyeon’s chest, letting herself be squeezed. She stayed that way for a while, calming down a lot faster than she would with Handong.
“I’m sorry,” Gahyeon whispered. “I would understand if you didn’t let me in the bed,” She frowned.
“Why would I not let you in the bed?” Siyeon frowned while rubbing her back gently. Usually, Handong ran her nails across her back. Never back rubs.
“Because I hurt you.”
“You were having a night terror. I’m not going to blame you for that,” Siyeon frowned. “And I’ve dealt with worse,” She chuckled. “Remember?” She asked, causing Gahyeon to hide her face.
“I didn’t mean to punch you that day…” Gahyeon mumbled.
“I know, you were aiming for Bora,” Siyeon laughed. “Gahyeon… how do you see me?” She frowned.
“Mistress’ friend.” It was the truth. Siyeon was Handong’s friend.
“Do you see me as someone else who can control you?” She asked.
“Yes.”
“Gahyeon, can you sit up.” Siyeon helped her to straddle her waist, deciding to hold her hands gently. “I’m not a dom or sub. I’m a switch. I do both perfectly and when I want,” She explained. “I don’t view you as a sub right now. Just as my friend who needs comfort. Who needs a place to stay? Yes, I understand the dynamic you and Dongie have, but I’m not going to treat you like she did. I’m going to make a lot of mistakes… and I need you to get out of that space okay?”
Gahyeon nodded her head, looking down at their hands. She hasn’t been out of the space outside of work, only keeping the worlds separate for the sake of her life being easier.
“Can you do me one thing?” Siyeon whispered, letting go of one of Gahyeon’s hands to move some of her hair behind her ear. “Talk to me. If things in your head get to be too much. Okay? I feel like this would’ve been managed better if you had voiced something earlier. Right?” She asked the younger woman, watching her nod her head.
It was a rough few days, Gahyeon seemed to calm down, but her mental image of everything was still there. Still surrounding herself with the odd feelings before ultimately giving in to them. She sat in silence, staring at nothing while her mind wandered through everything. Little whispers, reminded her of her past and forced her into a pit of darkness within her mind.
Handong had given up on her. Time? Who needed time to adjust to an ex? It was a lame excuse people used when they didn’t want to see anyone anymore. Time to themselves meant, we are done and this is over. She knew it was coming ever since her last episode.
She was too much for Handong and it was clear nothing was ever going to go back to the way things were.
She had a timer. A mental timer for every single person she encountered in her life. People would get to know her because they wanted to, and then the timer started. Gahyeon would count the interactions mentally, learning more about the person while keeping herself reserved.
But with her tiny group of friends?
Handong’s timer went first.
She knew Minji’s and Yubin’s were next… She hadn’t gotten entirely close to Bora just yet, which meant her timer had yet to be started. But Siyeon’s had just begun.
And it was going to be short. She could feel it in her chest that her time with Siyeon would be short. She would give up quickly and then she would be all alone.
Left behind by every single person she loved and cared for.
“I bought dinner!” Siyeon’s voice echoed through her mind, slowly making her aware of her surroundings. The same plain apartment, the bland walls… The minimal decor… Right. Siyeon’s place.
Gahyeon wasn’t sure when her silence started, but she would give a few answers to Siyeon. Few smiles, few anything. Her mind was elsewhere and if she could keep the timer slow, then she could start to distance herself. Pause the timer so they could last longer.
“You okay?”
Gahyeon’s eyes flicked up at the older woman before back down at her half-eaten container. Lie. It was easier. Say she was fine and Siyeon would drop it. Tell the truth and the timer starts back up and her time would end faster.
“I’m fine,” Gahyeon whispered.
Lying came easy. Lying made life easier. Lying meant she could spend time with people she cared about a lot longer. Just long enough so she could start to make them the truth. If she just kept saying she was fine then maybe, just maybe, she could be fine. She could be normal.
She was far from normal.
Nothing about her was normal. No human should have this many problems.
“What happened?” Siyeon pointed at the marks on Gahyeon’s arms, frowning as she pushed the hoodie sleeve up more. Gahyeon pulled away slowly, pushing the sleeves back down. “Did you have an itch or something?” She frowned.
Scratch marks. Her entire arms were covered in them from her latest episode. Siyeon wasn’t home and she didn’t want her neighbors to think she kept some crazy woman in her home. So she hurt herself as a punishment for having the episodes. Conditioning herself to not have them.
“Dry skin. Scratched too hard.” Another lie. Start to believe them, and make life easier.
“I have this really good lotion for dry skin. I’ll let you use it,” Siyeon smiled.
Gahyeon hummed, not trusting her own mouth or mind anymore. She could easily slip up. Easily tell the truth that while she worked the night shift she harmed herself.
But then her timer would run out and she would be right back at square one.
Alone and afraid.