Total shitshow
“Mr. Wilson,” the agent repeated.
“You mean to tell me you LOST the wolverine??” His partner seemed to teleport from behind him to slam a hand on the office desk between them. “I didn't lose him! Are you really going to make a poor girl relive her date skipping out on her?” He sighed pressing the back of his hand to his forehead. “It isn't my fault he left the motel room in the early morning.”
“I'm going to assume you mean that figuratively.” The main agent groaned from his chair. “Why do you need him anyways? From what I was told, he was the bonus one in this package deal. If I remember correctly, it was your boss who had said the same thing with his lips practically glued to my ass.” Wade feigned a cocky tone.
Both agents sighed in unison. How do they always do that?? Wade thought. “I have to admit that my employer may have been exaggerating in order to get to the mighty wolverine. And for some unfathomable reason, you are stated to be somehow essential to our task force.” Agent Numero Uno muttered. “Well amigo, I haven't the slightest idea what to tell you. I don't know. Where he is.” Wade yawned, leaning forward to rest his chin on his folded arms on the glass table. “Nevermind that, Mr. Wilson.” Number One placed a hand on his shoulder and for a second Wade questioned if it was in a comforting matter until he realized he was slowly pushing him off the glass desk. “We can get him back for you. We'll find him.” Number Two said, writing something in a notebook. Wade stiffened. “Well good luck. Kittens got claws!-” Wade yelped feeling his chair roll back through a TVA portal. He saw as the sterile dark office blurred into his apartment's usual environment. He didn't know his chair had wheels, he would've taken a huge advantage of that earlier! “We'll be in contact with you shortly Mr. Wilson!” The agents grinned in unison.
“It's Wade.” He grumbled sliding down in his chair. Well shit. He had to craft a sincere apology, and fast. What would he even say when he saw Logan?? ‘Sorry for taking complete advantage of you and shoving my tongue down your throat! Come back and live with me….please?’ God. He was pathetic.
________________
The rough asphalt grinded into Logan's cheek as he stirs awake. Ugh his head was killing him. The sun was gleaming on his face as his body burned from lying on the pavement for so long. His hand still held onto the neck of a bottle. He lifted his head slowly with a groan. He's been on a drinking binge for what feels like days now. Logan rolls into his back cringing from the light in his face, it only worsened his hangover. He somehow managed to dig his phone out of his pocket to check the time. Jesus it's only 10. He sees the date, it's Wednesday. It's been almost a week since he skipped out on Wade. Don't get him wrong, he feels awful about it. But he hasn't received a single call or text from the red clad man. He knows he isn't welcome there anymore. It's okay. He's used to being alone. Maybe he could just lie here all day. All year. Hoping the sun ultimately melts his adamantium skull.
“Ah! Mr. Howlett.” He hears a cheery British voice chime from behind him. Can't ever get a fucking moments peace in this universe. “Logan.” He slurs out. “I believe we are in need of your assistance.” Another voice rings out. “Fuck off.” He mumbles turning on his side. His head was really killing him. “I'm afraid there isn't really a say in the matter as it is urgent. Mr. Wilson did say you would be opposed.” Logan's heart jumps. What the hell does Wade want with him? He got his message loud and clear last time he saw him. Although, he's so out of it that he barely notices how the TVA fuckers somehow managed to place him in a chair in a dimly lit familiar office. He groaned, placing his forehead on the cool table in front of him. It helps, a little. They were talking about Wade. They want both of them on this mission. He has to face him. Logan can't muster up the energy to make any preparations for seeing the man. Instead, he focuses on the pounding of his head. The way the pain swirls around his brain somehow ebbing away at his thoughts, until all he could think about was the percussion chiming in his cranium.
He hears the sound of a chair scraping across the floor as someone pulls up to sit beside him. He smells the familiar scent of cancerous tumors and some strange Mexican food masked by musky cologne. Logan breathes in deeply trying to convince himself that the man beside him is just a hallucination. This is so awkward.
Wade can only handle so much tension, much less overbearing silence. So, he begins to make a popping noise with his mouth to pass the time. Where the hell are these dumb agents? And they get after him for not being punctual *eye roll*
Wade continues popping as his eyes travel over to the hungover man beside him. He doesn't look too good, he smells even worse. He's just resting his head on the table. Wade notices his shoulders tensing. They stiffen even further with each pop of Wade's mouth. He clears his throat finally mustering up the courage to at least say something. He really feels awful about what happened the last time the two were together. On the rooftop. Kissing. Oh God. Wade remembers it like it was just last week.
Logan's face had been completely flushed. And he looked at Wade and smiled at him. That look in his eyes. Like he actually enjoyed being around him. And Wade had grabbed him and kissed him. So fucking stupid. Stupid stupid. AGH! Wade could just bang his head into the concrete wall beside him until they were stained red. How could he have done that to Logan?? To his best friend?
Wade clears his throat. Again. “So-” he can barely matter out before the door swings wide open. Agent one rushes in to take his place in the stiff office chair before them. Logan's head is now up. “My apologies, gentlemen. It seems our situation has taken a dire turn for the worst.” He coughs. Wade hums,”say uh where's your partner? Definitely sensed some sort of selfcest thing between you too. You know that thing Twitter is obsessed with. How did you even do that? Mitosis?” Wade jabbered on. “He's dead.” The agent responded solemnly. “In fact, that is why you two are here. We have a variant problem. Involving another universe's Deadpool and Wolverine.” He smiled.
Wade and Logan stared at the man before him. Then turned towards each other sharing a quick look. “How exactly are they giving you trouble?” Logan grunted. “Well you two have demonstrated that you're a sensational duo who can accomplish great things. They are no exception. We've learned that they too wish to be a part of your sacred timeline. They are slaughtering a multitude of other TVA agents as we speak.” He monologued.
“Could you just-” Wade finally spoke. “Just give us a minute here.” He spun his chair around and looped an arm around Logan's neck pulling him down into a huddle of some sorts. Logan growled at him but couldn't ignore the slight flutter in his chest. They were so close after being apart for so damn long. Except Wade's mask was covering his face, that was the only bad thing. Logan will admit that, yes, he missed Wade. A lot.
“Okay. We need a plan. I go low, you go high, they'll never expect that.” Wade murmured as though what they were discussing was a secret. Logan rolled his eyes. “We both know that ain't gonna work. They're us, Wade.”
“Uh gentlemen-”
“Well do you have another plan, Jackman?”
“If I could interrupt-”
“I'm thinking.” Logan said sternly. “And stop calling me that, I don't know who that is.”
“Okay boomer.” Wade rolled his eyes. “Yeah and don't you dare call that millennial core, you gen z readers. I know how you are!”
“Who the hell are you always talking to!?”
“GENTLEMEN!” Agent one shifts awkwardly. Logan and Wade's eyes snap forward to look at him. “If I could propose the plan that the TVA had manufactured?” He pauses, clearly waiting for an answer. He doesn't get one. “They are together. The other two. The other two of you.” He stammers. Wade and Logan's heads both cock in confusion, in unison. “What do you mean together?” They ask.
“The variants are in a committed romantic relationship. It might even be what makes them so unstoppable.” He clears his throat. “The TVA has an idea of how to put an end to their endeavor. We hope to initially separate the two and have you both infiltrate and distract your dedicated variant. Seeing as you appear exactly alike. Then you can kill them. We will reward you handsomely as always.” He catches a glance of the pair's faces. “I know this is quite a predicament. But it is imperative that you two work on how to appear as a romantic partner to your opposite variant.” Logan's and Wade's jaws are both dropped.
An alarm rings somewhere in the office outside. “Uh I apologize, gentlemen. I could only buy you so much time.” The agent rose from his seat beelining for the door. “I wish you both the best of luck. I will try to stall some more. I implore you both to be as gay as you can for those variants.” He fired off a salute of some sorts at the pair and shut the door.
“Fuck.” Both Wade and Logan whispered.