Chapter 1
Wade had noticed Laura had been off or maybe not off…maybe just different? Was there a difference? She rarely spoke before but now she didn’t utter more than two sentences a day. The worst part is that he felt that he was losing his mind, Logan seemed to not notice the change– or if he did then maybe he just didn’t care? No, that didn’t sound like Logan. Laura wrote everything down on a notepad she had begun wearing around her neck. Yellow pages, blue lines and tied to a shoelace. Al seemed to be okay with this development or regression? Well, whatever it was, Al didn’t seem to want to question it. She said it would just make things awkward. It made his skin crawl, not in the ‘grossed out’ way but more in the ‘insanely concerned dad’ way. He didn’t know much about autism, he’d admit, and if Logan wasn’t worried then maybe he should just let it go, right? But, he couldn’t let it go. His girl couldn’t even say ‘Hello’ to him in the morning without writing it down. How was he supposed to be okay with this?
Breakfast was the same as it had been for the past month, quiet. “So, anybody keepin’ up with the news?” Wade said, dully, trying to get anyone to literally say anything. Al looked at him like he was crazy. So did Logan. Laura simply ignored that anything had happened. He looked at her for a few minutes, unable to eat. She’d normally been able to eat variations of breakfast (eggs, waffles, bacon, pancakes– her favorite would always be oatmeal of course but she could switch it up) however, now it seemed that was out of the question. Wade had given her a plate of pancakes this morning and in response she had screamed and cried, banging her fist against her temple. Logan hurriedly took the plate away, gave Wade a nasty look and quickly made her oatmeal instead. The look was warranted. Wade had been told to make her oatmeal that morning but he was simply experimenting.
“Is the oatmeal good, Laura?” He was running out of things to say, ways to get her to talk. She didn’t move, didn’t look at him and didn’t even use her notepad to write a simple response. It infuriated Wade a bit, not being able to detect the source of this.
“She likes it.” Logan spoke up for her, wanting the interrogation mode to end. It was starting to upset him.
“She could have told me that.” Wade rebutted, he regretted the words as soon as the air left his mouth. Logan got up suddenly, grabbing Laura’s backpack and telling her to grab her bowl of oatmeal to go. She did so instantly, no reaction to the very obvious tension and frustration happening around her. “Wait!” Wade got up as they left. He didn’t mean what he’d said. He was just worried and that was all.
Logan turned around before slamming the door. “Don’t.” is all he said, his lips curling into a nasty snarl that normally would excite Wade but not even he could find a joke to make of this. And then he was gone. Just like that. Wade cursed himself for his lapse in judgment. Why the fuck would he think it’d be okay to say that, in front of the kid nonetheless.
“You sure as hell fucked that up.” Al echoed from her seat, still picking at her bowl of eggs and toast. There was no malice in her tone, just sympathy- pity…both?
Wade resumed his seat at the table once more, putting his head down and cursing under his breath. He couldn’t even smile at the fact that Mary-Puppins was licking his leg excitedly, probably wanting her morning walk. “I’m just worried.” he sighed, sitting up again.
“If Logan ain’t, then why are you?” She questioned. There was some truth to it. Logan had seemed to be taking this drastic change with a grain of salt, barely acknowledging it was happening at all.
“He should be though, shouldn’t he? She’s been getting help brushing her teeth now, needs someone to bathe her, get her dressed. Plus, she won’t speak– and I don’t even know what the school side of all this is looking like. These are all things she used to be able to do, easily. It doesn’t feel like she’s herself.” Probably some of the most genuine and honest words to ever leave Wade’s mouth in a conversation with Al, which she appreciated.
“Have you heard of Plato’s allegory of the cave?” It was an odd question. It had nothing to do with anything he’d just said. It made him wonder if Al had even been listening,
He furrowed his eyebrows “No, I don't understand what that has to do with this.”
“Enlightenment is a process of shedding the layers of ignorance that have kept us in the cave.” She stated it as if it was fact, as if it was supposed to make any sense to him at all.
“What does a cave have to do with Laura and how she’s behaving?” He was beginning to get irritated.
“It’s philosophy. The cave can be anything you want.” She said, getting up and throwing the remaining food in the garbage. Then, carefully placing the bowl in the sink, feeling along the counter. She sat back down next to him. “Laura has autism.”
“Now you’re just saying fun facts about her– what is this?” He groaned.
“Would you let me finish, Dickhead?” She lightly slammed her fist on the table to grab his attention. “You have to get out of your cave, Logan isn’t stressed. He knows the girl better than you or me. He’s her father. He’s helping her, you see it. There are so many things we don’t know about how her autism works, alright? So get the fuck out of your own cave and try to see her world in a different light. Maybe he’ll tell you what’s going on if you stop trying to force her.” Wade probably should've been listening more intently, he definitely wished he would have later. The only thing that rang home to him was at the end- he wasn’t forcing her (or so he thought) and it upset him that Al would even suggest such a thing.
“Thanks, I guess. For the philosophy lesson.” He mumbled, rolling his eyes. He picked up Mary Puppins and took her to his and Logan’s room so he could have someone to rant to. Someone who couldn’t call him an asshole.
𖥸
Logan didn’t like driving while angry. It was harder for him to focus on the road and nobody wants to get in a car accident. He tried to push the thought of breakfast out of his mind and focus on whatever horseshit pop music was playing on the radio. He tapped his fingers to the 4/4 tune and made sure to keep an eye on Laura in the backseat.
They arrived at her school not long after. “Want me to walk you to your class, bumblebee?” He asked. He had been telling her to just nod or shake her head these last few weeks. It made it easier for everyone but especially her. Her hands got tired of writing so much. She nodded her head immediately and he held her hand as they walked into the building. Most of her clothes started to bother her again. This happened every few years, it was a phenomenon he was used to by now- skill regression- her doctor had called it. Dr. Davis had said other things but they’d been lost on him in recent years. He’d have to look back at her report, if it didn’t get temporarily lost while they were moving.
He walked her up to the door of her classroom, then kneeled down to give her a kiss which she accepted happily. “Have a good day.” He smiled, combing his hands through her hair. When he stood up however, Laura latched on to his leg and began to sob. Which caught the attention of all the parents dropping their kids off at school. He apologized to them as they walked past. He knelt down again, hugging her tightly. “Baby, I have to go to work. I’ll be back to pick you up at three, okay?” He tried to make his voice sound softer than it usually did. It didn’t sound natural at all. Just forced and weird. Laura aggressively shook her head and locked her hands around his neck, forcing him to pick her up to stand. She buried her head in the nape of his neck and refused to come out. Ororo, her teacher, caught wind of what was happening and took a break from greeting parents to come and help him out.
“I’m sorry.” Logan mouthed to her.
“Don’t be, I needed to talk to you anyways!” She said it in a voice so cheery that it would only be that of a first grade teacher. Only other people that sounded that happy were high off heroin.
On the bright side, Laura wasn’t crying anymore. Just hiding. He nodded, “She usually doesn’t do this.” He explained. “It’s just harder today, rough morning.” He shrugged.
She nodded sympathetically, “Breaks my heart to see her like this.” She said, “Laura, sweetie, you can sit by my desk all day- even for lunch if you’d like! And Daddy’ll be back before you know it.”Logan agreed with her.
Laura’s head moved up again and Logan internally cheered, “I sit you. Lunch.” Laura said quietly, looking at her teacher with big eyes. Ororo nodded and slowly untangled her from her father. Letting her sit in her chair until they had to pull up her desk. Laura loved it because only the teachers got the spinny chairs.
“You’re a life-saver.” Logan praised when she came back after settling Laura to speak with him privately.
Ororo shook her head modestly, “No, I’m not.” She chuckled but something definitely told him that she knew his statement was true on some level. She cleared her throat, “I wanted to talk to you about Laura’s behavior-”
She was interrupted by a long sigh from Logan “She’s not doing it on purpose.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I didn’t say she was in trouble.” Ororo continued, “ She’s been slowly regressing- her work, I mean, it’s all up to standard…except maybe writing, she wrote down that her hands hurt. I asked her why she didn’t just speak instead of using the notepad and she started crying so heavily that I had to take her to the nurse to cool down. I mean, her sentence structure and social awareness has greatly decreased since last month. I was monitoring it, it was so slow that I expected she would return to her usual state on her own but she hasn’t yet and I’m concerned.” She seemed genuinely wanting to help, however she could. But Logan didn’t have good news for her, or much of any news at all.
He pursed his lips and furrowed his eyebrows, thinking for a moment “Yes, the last time this happened she was four…just lost all her skills, nothing changed in her routine either it was just seemingly out of nowhere. I try to make goals for her, like she has to say please or ask me for something at least once during the day without the notepad- which has been really difficult.” He was at a loss.
“Have you tried ABA therapy? I know she did that at one point.” Ororo suggested, grasping at straws.
“Didn’t work for her, I mean she did threaten to stab a teacher so at least she became more expressive out of those two months.” He chuckled but the smile never reached his eyes.
The woman thought for a moment “I can try finding motivators but it’ll take some time, maybe even some tutoring.” She shrugged her shoulders, fitting her hands neatly into the pockets of her sunflower overalls.
Logan sighed, “Yeah, I’d appreciate that- I gotta run now but, Thank you, really.” He put his hands together and walked away before she could wave ‘goodbye’.
𖥸
Logan couldn’t pick up Laura. Which he knew would break her. He had gotten a last minute job to chauffeur for some rich business elite guy…his name was Jonathan or James, it didn’t matter. He hated messing up her routine. She had been on edge so badly that morning, so scared to leave his side. But he just couldn’t give the check up, he knew they’d need it and he didn’t know when another opportunity like this was going to come along.
Ring. Ring. Ring. His phone blared in his ears “Hey, Honeybadger.” He heard Wade’s voice on the other line.
“Hey,” He said, trying to get through this as soon as possible. He didn’t have much time before he’d have to go pick the guy up from his hotel. “I need a favor.”
“Anything, except murder, I’m on vacation right now.” Wade always with the quips.
“Mhm,” The comment earned a smile from him. “I need you to pick up Laura from school for me. I can’t do it because I just got a short notice gig, good money.”
“Yeah, I can do that.” Wade said sweetly.
“Thanks, and Wade?”
“Mhm?” He furrowed his brows.
“Go easy on her. She’s not trying to be an asshole, she’s just having a hard time.” Logan said, hoping Wade got his drift.
“Yeah, yeah, Don’t worry.” He said, but Logan didn’t feel very secure in his promise. Not after this morning.
“Please, Wade.” His voice softened and quieted.
Wade’s lips turned to a frown. “I promise. She’s safe with me, I have to go if I want to get that on time— don’t want any more changes for her. Like you said, been a lot.”
Logan grunted softly, “Thanks.” Then hung up.
𖥸
Al had insisted she’d have to come along to get Laura so that Wade didn’t ‘fuck it up’. It made him upset that she seemingly thought so little of him in this respect, but he kept it to himself. He rolled his eyes under the guise of a joke and stayed silent. Al noticed this but decided to not say anything, he seemed more fragile.
Upon arrival, Wade got out and made his way to the classroom. Al decided to stay in the car. He sort of hated it, all the parents stared and whispered while their kids pointed. He didn’t blame the kids. He blamed the asshole parents who thought it would be okay to gossip about someone they didn’t know. What is this, high school? He ignored it and made his way to Laura’s class. He was right on time. He exhaled a sigh of relief and asked the teacher where Laura was.
“You’re Wade, right?” She asked, looking at a sticky note with his name written down.
“Yup, here to get Laura.” He smiled, putting on her best cheerful voice to match hers.
She chuckled, “With that enthusiasm I’d suggest you join the field.”
“I know I’m amazing but I do have other duties to attend to, sigh. I’ll let you know when the schedule clears up.” He joked.
The woman giggled and went to call Laura. Laura seemed so excited to leave from across the class, but then she saw Wade. She immediately began sobbing, asking where Daddy was. Wade was Papa. His stomach twisted a bit and he began to sweat.
“He couldn’t come to get you because something came up at work!” Wade tried to explain as calmly as possible to no avail.
Laura kicked and screamed ferociously repeating the question over and over. “WHERE DADDY? WHERE DADDY? WHERE DADDY?” HE almost wanted to cry at the sight. Her being so fragile. And he was holding the water in his hand, letting it slip through without even noticing.
“Laura, honey, he’ll be home soon I promise. Al’s in the car, you love Al.” It didn’t work. She cried and cried. Ms. Munroe looked like the pity police. She tried her best to soothe Laura though and after about twenty minutes of standing in the door way trying to soothe an angry kid, she finally ran out of energy to sustain her own tears. She drifted to sleep in Wade’s arms. She slept similar to Logan, mouth open, soft snores protruding and the occasional word or phrase. He was starting to think she’d be okay.
He had no idea what was to come.
𖥸
As soon as Laura woke up and realized she wasn’t in the familiar haven of her fathers car, she began to cry viciously again. The entire car ride. Which made it exhaustingly hard to concentrate on the road. He made it home anyways and scooped Laura into his arms to take her inside. She was still kicking and screaming. It could probably be mistaken for a kidnapping. But, he was rubbing her back and whispering soothing words into her ear to get her to calm down which didn’t work. Al suggested they sit in the car with her till she calmed down, but if Wade had to be in that hot, claustrophobic space for another minute he’d explode.
“You could’ve just sat with her in the car, this makes no sense. I’m not trying to go to jail for kidnapping a lil’ white girl.” Al complained. Because honestly, it looked exactly like that.
“Um, actually, she’s half spanish!” He said half joking.
“You can be white and spanish, Wade.” Al would definitely roll her eyes right now if God intended. She probably was…under the shades.
“It’s okay, she’ll calm down.” They walked into their apartment, on the first floor. Mary Puppins immediately began jumping up at Laura and crying. Confused and scared that her favorite person seemed so hurt. He set her down on the couch but she pulled herself onto the floor and began hitting her head on the tile. Wade instantly pulled her up, she resisted though and he lost many times. Even if she had a healing factor, it still didn’t mean that head banging suddenly didn’t hurt.
“Head banging is for rock concerts. Not tiles, young lady!” He said, trying to brighten the moment. More for himself than Laura. He felt selfish for that.
“Take this seriously, Wade. She’s in distress.” Al chimed in.
He knew she was right but he ignored her. He knew this was serious, she was his kid for crying out loud. Fuck, did he just call her his kid? He’d address that later.
“Laura! You have to stop!” He didn’t mean to yell, really. But he was so tired and frustrated and didn’t know what to do. Nothing he was trying worked. He regretted the decision when she began pulling her hair strands out with her claws. Unfortunately, the healing factor didn’t work up there since it was naturally healed anyways— hair grows. “FUCK! LAURA STOP YOU’RE HURTING YOURSELF!” He screamed it this time. Firm and loud. It didn’t matter. She began stabbing him. It hurt like hell, but the pain didn’t compare to his heart. He had failed her. He let his own emotions get in the way of what she needed. Patience. Oh my God, he was his own cave.
It took Laura another hour to calm down. “I’ll take her on a walk, come on, sweetie.” Al took her hand and they walked out of the apartment. In Laura’s rage she had ripped parts of the couch, broken a few glasses and ravaged the living area in general. He sighed. He didn’t want to clean it up, he had to, but he didn’t want to. He decided to take a nap, well not decided. It was more like he sat on the couch and blinked but when he opened his eyes again Logan was tapping him on the shoulder.
“What the fuck happened here? AND WHERE'S LAURA?” Angry Logan, not great in any context but especially not after you come from a delirious nap.
“She’s on a walk with Al, safe.” He said half asleep, trying to wake.
“What the fuck happened here?”
“She was crying and screaming and yeah.” He gestured to the apartment.
“Fuck, I should’ve just cancelled. This is all my fault.” He buried his face in his hands, asking for no sympathy.
Wade got up to comfort him “No, no, you shouldn't have to do that just because she’s having a bit of a tantrum. We’ll sort it out.”
“Tantrum?” Logan said plainly.
“Tantrum.” Wade confirmed.
“Meltdown.” Logan sat on the couch. “She’s been having a hard time.”
“Meltdown.” He corrected himself “And yeah, she has. It’s kinda crazy. Sometimes I think she’s doing it on purpose.” He meant no harm, really.
Logan’s eyes narrowed “Right, because not being able to talk and losing the ability to brush your own teeth is just a fun activity?” He said sarcastically.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” He put a palm on Logan’s shoulder to which Logan shrugged it off. The first time he’d ever done that.
“No, I don’t. You’ve been an asshole to her since it happened.”
“I’m not trying to be, I’m just trying to give her a bit of a push. Prompt her to get her skills back.” Wade explained.
“Embarrassing her at breakfast is not prompting her. Getting upset when she has meltdowns that are more severe than what you’re used to is not prompting her. Why do you even need to prompt her anyways. She isn’t your daughter. And I don’t know what weird delusion you have going on up there, but she’s not!” Logan growled, getting closer to Wade’s face. Looking as if he were about to lunge.
Wade’s eyes softened, tears suckling but he held them in. “I care about her,” he said softly. “I’m just trying to help.”
“Well, fuck, you’re not. She needs me right now, not whatever you think you’re helping her by doing. Look, this meltdown today, not your fault but a lot of the others have been.”
Wade furrowed his brow, “That’s not true.”
“You told her you’d help her get dressed and then tried to make her do it herself. Told her she’d have to bathe herself and brush her teeth alone, she got anxiety— wouldn’t go to bed. Because of you.” It stung.
“I just- I want her to feel comfortable trying to get to where she was again.”
“Well, it’s not that fucking easy. You can’t just go around acting like you know how this shit works. You have no experience with kids and my daughter will not be your first experiment. She’s autistic, she needs care.”
“She’s not an experiment!” Wade yelled becoming frustrated, “You’re not even in the slightest trying to help her improve! How is she supposed to know you care when you don’t even try.” His face was red and his mouth dry.
Logan let out an ugly chuckle “I help her improve at her own pace. Not by force. Not by guilt. Get that through your thick fucking skull. Leave. Her. Alone.” He said it so firmly and loudly that Wade swore he felt the vibrations bounce off her face.
“Please, Logan.” He had nothing else to say. Or nothing he could think to say, because Logan was right. Wade was wrong. He had to accept that. HE is the cave.
Logan sighed, he didn’t say anything but somehow his breath carried a thousand signals and Wade seemed to have missed every one of them.
Fuck, what had he done?