Chapter 2
Logan was good at holding grudges. It was a coping mechanism, it kept him safe. If he cut ties immediately then he didn’t have to get hurt. He had taught Laura to have her guard up too; passing on that sweet generational trauma. Part of him regretted what he’d said to Wade; not all of it, just the parts where he told Wade that he needed to leave Laura alone because she wasn’t ‘his daughter’. Which, admittedly, wasn’t incorrect but there were a lot of nuances to the relationship Wade had developed with Laura. He was like a father to her, and Wade sure as hell treated her like his first-born daughter. He wanted Wade to understand but he was so drained. Constantly having to explain Laura’s behaviors to people while they judged her anyways, the fatigue he felt when nothing changed even after an explanation. He was so done with being a teacher. He wanted people to teach themselves. In an instant, Wade reminded him of everything he hated in others.
In return he dealt with Wade the way he dealt with everyone else: unadulterated silent treatment. Which wasn’t exactly the healthiest approach but when had Logan ever really used the ‘healthier approach’ anyways. “So, when ya’ gonna talk to him?” Al pulled him out of his thoughts. She was brushing Mary Puppins' hair and ‘styling’ it playfully on the couch.
Logan didn’t respond. Unless you count grunting angrily as a response.
“Use your words.” She said it as if she were talking to a toddler in a preschool setting. Logan could be quite immature sometimes.
He rolled his eyes, “I’m not some little kid. Speak to me like an adult.”
“I will once you act your fucking age.” She said from the couch. She said it in a sweet voice which was surprising, considering this was Al.
He cracked open a beer which he would lose sleep over later. Took a sip and furrowed his eyebrows, leaning against the counter. “I act my age. He doesn’t.” His voice was firm like always but there was a tinge of pain to it as well.
“I’d say it’s pretty equal right about now. You do know relationships only work when you communicate?” She said sarcastically.
“Do you know it’s none of your fucking business?” Rhetorical. He finished the beer in a matter of seconds and threw it into the trash before getting another one.
“It’s my business when I have to live in the same house as two toddlers with balls.”
“Never say that again.” He pointed with his pointer finger and then took a sip.
“I’ll say what I fuckin’ want.” She put Mary Puppins down next to her on the couch. “All this because he didn’t understand something?” Her voice turned tender and soft.
“You can not understand something and still not be an asshole.” Logan said, taking a seat next to her on the couch and slumping down into it further. It looked as if he wanted the couch to swallow him whole, maybe he did.
“It’s not like he didn’t want to understand. He sees her like a daughter, he was trying to help. In all the wrong ways, yes. But people can only know what they know. If you’re not being open and honest or challenging the ideas already in his head, then you're not protecting Laura as well as you think you are, are you?”
She definitely hit a nerve. The wound was exposed, and she’d rubbed crystal Himalayan salt into it. He was silent for too long. Five minutes too long. Even Al started to feel like she’d gone a bit too far, but had she? She’d only told the truth of the situation. Of course, it was hard to hear but this was a grown man.
“I know it’s hard to hear.” She spoke to cut the tension.
“No.” was all he said in return.
“No?” Al questioned
“Leave me the fuck alone.” He said, slamming his claws into his right thigh and screamed in pain.
“Hurting yourself won’t make the hurt you feel go away.” She sighed, it hurt her to hear the pain he was in. But there wasn’t much she could do.
“Who said I’m trying to make anything go away?” He pulled the claws out of his thigh. He watched as the wound closed just as quickly as it had opened a minute ago.
“Then why are you doing that?” She waved her hands around in the air frantically. She didn’t mean to raise her voice, but she did anyway.
Logan sighed “You said I’m not protecting her.” He felt his soul removed from his body. He swore he just floated above the room now, watching over it like a God of Nothing. He couldn’t watch any longer though. He got up quickly and left the living room. He made his way to his bedroom, his leg still hurt like a bitch even after it had seemingly perfectly repaired its own tissues.
“You know I didn’t mean it like that…” She said not realizing he’d already left. “LOGAN!” She called but there was no answer other than Mary Puppins crying for her scheduled treat.
𖥸
Wade had been beating himself up mentally for the past week. Trying to figure out how to reconcile his relationship with Logan, or at least get him to look in his direction again. It was difficult, Logan was usually quiet, but it was no match for the recent silent treatment he’d gotten. Laura still didn’t really talk, still using the notepad to communicate. He had learned to get used to it after his and Logan’s argument, but nothing could ever feel normal about Logan not speaking to him. They still slept in the same bed but the usual warmth that was there was replaced by a cold draft that seemed ever present in the room even with no windows open.
He sipped his coffee alone in the mornings now, no more playful banter with Logan. No more grunts and stifled laughter, just quiet. Logan would say a mumbled ‘Morning’ then get Laura ready for school, maybe they’d have breakfast and then he’d leave. He was sure Laura could sense something was off between her dads. She was clever and could notice the smallest change in anyone’s demeanor and whatever was happening now wasn’t small or subtle. He tried writing down notes at work, icebreakers to get Logan to speak to him again. They never really worked. He’d never felt more like a ghost. He really was just trying to help. He didn’t like moping or being depressed, nobody did. He decided that he would figure this shit out himself even if Logan wouldn’t look at him for longer than five seconds.
“Al, I need to use your computer!” He barged into her room. He silently thanked God that she was clothed.
“Why don’t you just buy your own?” She sucked her teeth, and it made a sound that felt like nails on a chalkboard to Wade.
“You know I work minimum wage!” He leaned against the doorframe and folded his arms.
“You get 20,000 or more for each hit you do.” She deadpanned.
“Yes! And 20,000 is my MINIMUM PRICE!" He chuckled at the joke he’d made. Talking with Althea always made him feel like himself again.
She leaned over and grabbed the laptop from where it sat charging on the desk next to her bed. She threw it at him, and he caught it with ease. “You have an hour.”
“I’ll take that as a suggestion.” He smirked and left the room before she could protest.
He sat down at the kitchen table and opened it. He knew Al’s password, thankfully, “IHateWade242”. She was far too predictable. He went on the browser icon and tried to look up skill regression and autism. He frequently came across the same two words ‘Autistic Burnout’. Often a sign of Autistic Burnout the websites had preached. So, he typed in the words to try and understand what that meant, he’d never heard of it before. Many Ads came up for therapy to help combat this issue, but he hadn’t yet found a very clear definition. He was on the second page of the browser before he found anything to help him understand.
Autistic Burnout may occur when an autistic child reaches a state of overwhelm. They may become fatigued, lose important skills that they once did with ease and have more frequent meltdowns. Check, Wade thought. Burnout may happen when: learning and social demands become too much or too complicated for the child, sensory overload, demands of everyday life become too overwhelming and more.
It made sense that Laura would be experiencing this, all the signs were present. The meltdowns, loss of skills, constantly on edge or fatigued, nightmares etc. He just couldn’t figure out what she may have been burned out about. She thought back to Billy; the bully that he made sure to deal with. But he had dealt with Billy, he was no longer at the school and so Laura wasn’t tortured like before. Unless it had nothing to do with the other kids. What if it’s about me? He thought, anxiety booming in his chest. He tried to think again because surely, that couldn’t be it. Laura had always struggled with making friends. She didn’t have any friends at school but didn’t seem to mind. And Wade knew there were no complaints from her teacher until a few weeks ago. It all just seemed to go downhill faster and faster until she was in a way unrecognizable to him. He hated to think of it in that way.
Prolonged Sensory Overload. One of the sites had read. He tried to think, maybe this would have happened at school. She was mostly fine at home. She covered her ears whenever the toilet flushed or Al had the TV on extra loud and even when the pan sizzled as Wade cooked dinner, but those things weren’t prolonged. Maybe it would have happened at School? He needed to ask Laura’s teacher. He’d try to make things right with Laura and Logan.
𖥸
Logan wouldn’t trust him to pick up Laura after the meltdown that happened last time so he decided he would go during lunch. Unfortunately, he’d be interrupting Ms. Munroe’s lunch break but fortunately he did bring her cookies to make up for it. He jogged down the hall and to the classroom, then knocked continuously on the door until Ms. Munroe opened up with a confused expression on her face, chewing on something and then swallowing. “Mr. Wilson? School doesn’t get out till 3, it’s 12:30 pm.” She looked at her watch to make sure she wasn’t the one going crazy, luckily, she wasn’t.
“I know.” Wade shoved the box of cookies he’d brought into her hands. “For you, apologies.” He said swiftly.
Ororo looked down at the box of chocolate chip cookies in her hands. She furrowed her eyebrows, grateful but insanely muddled. “Apologies for what? I’m very— “Before she could finish that thought, Wade had already squeezed past her and sat down at one of the students' desks. She could laugh if there was any other context to this, his knees wouldn’t even fit under the table.
“You can eat. Just need to talk to you, emergency.” He said, his expression was consequential and there wasn’t room for any time-wasting in it.
She sat down at her desk and took another spoonful of rice from her container of lunch. “Sure, go ahead.”
Wade took a deep breath before going off the rails “So, I’m sure you know that Laura hasn’t been herself recently. I’ve been trying to figure out why Logan won’t really let me in after something I did…not that he was letting me in anyways. Doesn’t matter, does Laura get overwhelmed in the class setting pretty easily?”
Ororo’s eyes widened, this was a lot. She closed her eyes tightly then and took a deep breath, willing herself to think. “Yes, actually. She always seems a bit on edge. Even before this all started happening.” She took another spoonful, chewed and swallowed before continuing “She’s never been very on board with participating, which has affected her understanding of much of what we do. She also doesn’t socialize— always by herself, she hates even looking at the other kids. It’s something we’re working on, but it doesn’t seem like anything’s come from it. Oh, and she hates the tiniest of sounds, I’ve offered her headphones but even when she used those, she hated the feeling of them on her ears and would throw them at the wall.” She explained eloquently.
Wade nodded, trying his best to understand. “You said it’s always been this way? Not just now?”
The woman nodded, scrunching her nose and she bit down on a pepper that was in the rice.
“She does well in her work though, right? She’s pretty independent? Or was.” He mumbled the last bit just to himself.
“She’s independent but she refuses help.” Ororo closed the Tupperware and intertwined her fingers together while looking at Wade, resting her chin on the rest she’d created with her hands. “She doesn’t like group work, and she prefers one on one with me and that’s if she takes the help. She has trouble with staying seated and she cries a lot between transitions in class, we’re still working on that.”
“Do you think she’d be better off at a different type of school?” Wade questioned, thinking back to the information and ads he’d seen online.
“What type of school?”
It was silent for a moment while he thought.
“I don’t know— I’ve seen ones online that they have for kids on the spectrum, they’re better trained to deal with these behaviors. And maybe she’d make some friends, kids just like her, I don’t know.” He was confused about what he was saying as he spoke and what it would entail for their family.
Ororo shrugged her shoulders and sighed, “You have to do what you think is best for her. I’ll miss her, of course, she’s a delight. But wouldn’t that transition be harder for her?”
“Maybe at first, but maybe it’d be better than a mainstream school— she’d learn the same things just at her own pace and be with people just like her.”
She nodded, “Well, there’s not much I can say, she’s your daughter. I love her and love having her here, but I’ll respect whatever you two decide is right— talk to Logan and update me on what the two of you decide.”
Logan. He’d have to talk to Logan. The same man that had been giving him the silent treatment like they were five years old and not grown men. He sighed loudly and Ororo wanted to ask what that was about but decided against it. “Well, thanks, You're great. Can I get your number?” He assumed it would come in handy eventually. She nodded and entered it into his phone before he left.
𖥸
“Where have you been?” Al asked as he walked through the door. She sat on the couch again.
Mary Puppins had run up to Wade and started licking his feet profusely, he was wearing flip flops so really, he’d asked for this. He giggled at the tickle he felt and bent down to pet her behind her ear before sitting on the couch as well.
“I went to go talk with Laura’s teacher.” He spoke
“What the fuck are you up to?” She scoffed, “Wade, please do not fuck this up. You should be trying to fix your relationship, not ruin it more.”
“I am fixing it! I’m righting some wrongs, Al.”
She breathed deeply, “Okay.” She said it with a condescending tone that Wade decided not to pay much attention to, after all he was trying and that’s all he could do.
𖥸
It felt like hours before Logan and Laura waltzed through the door. Wade sat on the couch waiting, rather impatiently, with Al’s laptop in his lap. He had all the necessary tabs and talking points pulled up. He needed Logan to listen or at least try to. Logan looked less than thrilled to see Wade sat on the couch, very obviously waiting for them. Wade smiled and waved at Laura despite what she’d gone through a few days prior, she returned the favor. Kids had unconditional love, but he felt undeserving.
“Go in your room Laura, play with Mary Puppins. I’m sure she’s missed you.” Logan picked up the dog and placed her in Laura’s hands. He kissed her forehead. Laura walked carefully to her room and stared intently at Mary Puppins the entire time, making sure she was okay.
Wade half expected Logan to sit next to him, ask him how the day was and give him a kiss. Wishful thinking. Instead, Logan walked into their room and shut the door behind him, at least he didn’t slam it this time. Wade took a deep breath, picked up the laptop and followed after him. “I need to show you something.” He said as he balanced the laptop in one hand and stood by the door anxiously as he closed it behind him, entering the room.
Logan pretended not to hear him. Wade forced himself not to roll his eyes and get annoyed, it was hard though. He walked up to the bed and placed the laptop down in front of Logan. “We need to talk,” He tried again, “Please, Logan.”
Still nothing. Logan simply yawned, crossed his legs, took out a book and pretended Wade didn’t even exist. “If you want the best for Laura then we need to talk, because I want the best for her too. And this,” He gestured between the two of them “Isn’t healthy for her. She can sense something’s wrong; she isn’t stupid. Think about how that could affect her. It’s okay if you hate me but at least talk.”
Logan’s eyes narrowed, he put the book down and looked up at Wade. His expression stayed the same the entire time, “What?” He spoke. The tone in his voice made Wade wince. There was so much he had to say and so many places he could start.
“I think Laura’s burnt out.” He said, trying to gauge Logan’s reaction.
“From what?” He asked, he looked slightly more sincere now but was obviously trying to hide it in his voice. “Hm?”
“Like school, social cues, the world. I don't know, everything?” He began, the words spilling out of his mouth in a jumbled mess he hadn’t planned on.
“You’re saying she can’t cope?” He said tetchily.
Wade shook his head immediately “No, no! Well, I’m not saying it like that at least. She can cope with things but the way she does…it isn't healthy.” Logan huffed and sighed, "Just, just let me finish, alright?” Logan nodded. “The way the mainstream school system works doesn’t seem to be working for her. I talked with her teacher today, I think she’s experiencing burnout-”
Logan cut him off, “You talked to Ororo today? When?”
“Lunchtime, she was free…well, she was having lunch, but she was free.” Logan rolled his eyes, and Wade chose to ignore it. “I did some research, if you look…” Wade turned the laptop to face Logan and brought it closer. Opening the tab on autistic burnout and showing it to him.
Logan stared at the screen for a few seconds then looked at Wade, “You think I don't know what this is? I know everything about her. I've been there since the beginning. Nobody helped me. I did all of this alone, ALL OF IT.” He felt something stirring deep inside him. A black hole of hopelessness, loneliness that he couldn't shake. “I figured it all out.” His voice got quieter. He looked away from Wade’s eyes, trying to keep the pain inside of him a little longer. He tried to appear angry rather than sad, he didn’t like showing weakness. That’s how people took advantage of him. “Nobody was there.”
Wade paused, staring at Logan for a moment. It hurt to see Logan hurt. It was like a piece of him had broken off, had shattered. “It doesn’t always have to be that way.” He said, looking up at Logan, but Logan still didn’t meet his eyes. “You have me, you have Al.”
“And you still don’t get it.” Logan wiped his nose, it leaked ever so slightly.
Wade pursed his lips, her stomach hurt at that sentence because Logan wasn’t exactly wrong. He didn’t fully get it, and he was scared that maybe he would never be able to. “I can learn, I can. I’m trying to.” He put a hand over Logan’s and Logan pulled away. “We can make changes, maybe send her to a different school- maybe homeschool? She isn’t thriving in the environment she’s in. You know it, and I know it now too.”
There was a beat of silence. A beat too long.
Logan finally met Wade’s eyes. They were bloodshot either from crying or suppressing tears. “What other school could we send her to that she wouldn’t have the exact same experience at?” He said it as if the answer was already ‘None’.
“There are schools for kids on the spectrum.” He offered, “It would help her, they’d know what to do. She’d be around kids similar to her too. Maybe build some social skills, who knows.” He tried to sound as optimistic as possible.
“How would she transition? She’ll be devastated…and she loves Ms. Munroe, we’d be taking that away.”
“Every transition will be hard. We can’t cloak her forever,” He placed a hand back over Logan’s but this time he wasn't met with rejection. “But we can put her in a safe place to learn to deal with these things. We could try. And I have Ms. Munroe’s number so maybe she’d still be willing to visit Laura from time to time. She loves Laura too and wants the best for her.”
Logan stared at him for a moment, he didn’t know what to say exactly. It was a good idea, but he knew it’d be hard for her. It was a question of if he was willing to put her through that trauma even if it meant she’d be alright in a few months. Or keep her where she was, watch her struggle and hope things get better. Is it better to speak or to die? That was the question, really. To sink to swim to shore. Only, Laura couldn’t make that decision for herself yet, he’d have to. “I want her to pass first grade. I want her to do well and have friends and grow up comfortably.” He mumbled. Wade just nodded, “I want her to be okay.” A tear escaped him, “And she isn’t. Because I didn’t see it sooner, or maybe I did, and I just didn't care.”
“You know that’s not true.” Wade said immediately “Please, you know that isn’t true, Logan. I told you it before and I’ll say it again- you care. I watch you every day with her and you fucking care. I’m sorry for what happened,” He sighed, “What I did, I could have done research-”
Logan cut him off, “I have to stop acting like it's just me and her still…so,” He swallowed his pride. “I am sorry.”
Wade cracked a smile, “We’re both sorry, then.” He got serious again, “We can do this, you know. We can. You’re not alone, okay. I know things now that I didn’t know before, I can do better. I will do better; you just need to talk to me too. I can’t keep being in the dark about these things.”
Logan nodded and cleared his throat, “Yeah, I’ll talk.” He sighed, “If you shut up every once in a while.” He chuckled.
Wade smiled, “That is hard for me, but I’ll do my best, Namaste.” He bowed.
“So, what schools have you found?” Logan said, opening himself up to the idea. He wanted the best for his girl, and he was willing to think it through. Once it was a good place for her, it was a good place for him.