And Afraid of Being Seen
Lena Morse was like a character she was still learning the lines for. She was an almost 12 year old who had lost her parents, so Yelena gave her some leniency to be a little withdrawn. But generally speaking, Lena Morse was normal. She had played her role all day as Lena and let out a deep breath as she closed her door. She tucked herself in the small walk in closet, a soft blanket already waiting for her. Something about the small space felt so sturdy to the girl. She could drop who she was trying to be and just breathe without the world feeling like it was caving in. She had gone with Melina Melinda to tour the middle school, Chester Phillips Preparatory. She hadn’t really understood the difference between private and public school when Phil and Melinda had talked to her about it, but she was almost glad for the uniform. She had always worn a uniform, save for missions, and she didn’t really know how American girls dressed. That along with forcing herself to talk and perfecting her accent would hopefully make her seem normal enough. She was already starting almost three weeks late, the last thing she needed was to be the weird new orphan girl.
Just as she settled into calm breathing, the knock on her door startled her. Natasha didn’t wait for an answer, slipping inside with that same quiet grace that always left Lena feeling both safe and suffocated. The teenager had recently dyed her hair a dirty blonde, agreeing that the red was too noticeable, but Lena hadn’t quite gotten used to it yet. Her sister looked down at her, eyes softening when she spotted the younger girl in the closet. "How are you feeling about tomorrow?" Natasha asked, sitting down against the frame of the closet. Lena didn’t answer right away, shifting uncomfortably in her blanket cocoon. She was already drained from the afternoon and she knew Natasha was asking because she cared, but something about it grated on her nerves. “I’m fine,” Lena said, her voice stiffer than she intended. “I’m ready.” Natasha’s brow furrowed, but she didn’t push. “You don’t have to be. It’s okay if you need more time.” Lena clenched her jaw. More time. That was the problem. She didn’t need time, she needed Natasha to stop treating her like a fragile child. "I don’t need more time," she muttered, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice. “Stop treating me like that.”
Natasha tilted her head slightly, her eyes narrowing. “Like what?” Lena shifted in the blanket, her frustration bubbling to the surface. “Like a weak low,” she spat. “Stupid kids who can’t do anything. The ones who get eliminated. I don’t need you to keep checking on me.” The words came out sharper than she intended, but she didn’t regret them. Not really. Natasha’s expression didn’t change, but something in her eyes flickered, something that made Lena feel a pang of guilt she didn’t want to acknowledge. “I’m just trying to help you, Lena,” Natasha said quietly, her voice carefully measured trying not to upset her sister more. “I don’t need help,” Lena snapped. “I don’t need you hovering over me, I’m not a child.” She didn’t even know why she was angry, but the words kept spilling out, leaving a heavy silence. Before either of them could break the silence, the phone rang from downstairs, its shrill sound slicing through the tension. Natasha exhaled sharply and stood, turning to leave without another word.
Lena was left in the closet, her chest tight and her mind racing. She didn’t even hear the knock when Melinda came to the door, poking her head inside. “Bobbi’s on the phone for you.” Lena swallowed, nodding as she pushed the blanket off and followed Melinda out. She took the phone, her voice soft as she answered in Russian, “Hey.” “Hey, kid,” Bobbi’s familiar voice came through, casual and light, but with an underlying warmth that made Lena relax a little. “How’s everything going?” Lena leaned against the wall, her fingers absentmindedly tracing the cord of the phone. “Fine,” she said. “I’m starting school tomorrow.” As preparation for going to school, Lena had been careful to speak English only, not wanting to slip. Bobbi’s calls were always an exception and it was nice to ease into a language that didn’t feel so confining. “Wow, first day. Big stuff. You ready for it солнышко?” Lena shrugged, even though Bobbi couldn’t see it, letting the nickname warm her slightly. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, it can’t be worse than my last school.” There was a slight pause, then Bobbi choked out a laugh at the younger girl’s dark joke. “Yeah that’s true kid, it definitely won’t be.” Lena smirked a little, the tension in her shoulders easing just a little.
They talked for a few minutes, with Bobbi telling her about her partner Hunter’s antics. Lena mostly listened, the weight in her chest lifting slightly as Bobbi recounted a fight between him and a raccoon. Conversation lulled and there was a pause before Bobbi spoke again. “You’re going to do great tomorrow. Just be yourself and you’ll be just fine.” The words didn’t feel as comforting as Bobbi probably meant them to, they coiled tight around her heart and the weight settled there. “I don’t know how,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. Bobbi didn’t answer right away, and Lena appreciated that she didn’t just dismiss her worries. When Bobbi did speak, her tone was gentle but firm. “That’s okay. You don’t have to know yet. You’ll figure it out. Just take it one day at a time, alright?” Lena swallowed, her throat tight. “Thanks,” “I impart so much wisdom, you need to start writing it all down. And hey, if things get weird, or if you just need to talk, I’m always a call away.” Lena managed a small smile, her fingers tightening on the phone. “Goodnight, Bobbi.” “Night непоседа, have a good day tomorrow,” Bobbi said, her voice softer. Lena thanked her again and handed the phone back to Melinda, who was waiting patiently by the door. Melinda took the phone and offered a small smile. “Do you need anything else for tomorrow? Clothes, supplies?”
Lena shook her head. “No. I’m fine.” Melinda studied her for a moment, as if deciding whether to push further, then nodded. “Alright, well we leave at 7:30 tomorrow morning, you have your contingency plan and the office knows about it. All of us are going to be a phone call and 5 minutes away, okay?” The younger girl nodded. She had some sort of document that explained stuff and Melinda had told her it was meant to keep her safe and let her teachers know how to help her. All Lena knew is that no one would force her to talk, and she could go to the office if she needed to. Not that she would, of course, but it was nice to know that it was an option even if she would never let herself use it. It was an American middle school, it couldn’t be that difficult. Phil had been more than willing to explain his experience and despite it being a while ago, she didn’t think things could’ve changed that much. Giving Melinda a small wave, Lena headed back upstairs to triple check her bag had everything she’d need. After she restrained herself from packing any weapons, she’d settled into the closet again, trying to relax. But no matter how much she tried to shake it, Natasha’s words kept creeping back, crawling under her skin.
The soft knock at her door startled her, and Natasha slipped inside. Lena didn't look up from the blanket she had wrapped around her. She heard her sister approach, the way her breathing was shallow, the way her footsteps were too careful. "Do you need more time?" Natasha's voice was softer this time, but the repeated question from earlier still grated on Lena's nerves. Why was she always pushing? “I already told you. I don’t,” Lena said, her voice low but edged with frustration. Natasha hesitated, crouching next to her. “Lena, it’s okay if you do. I can tell them to back off.” The ever fraying thread in the younger girl snapped. “I don’t need more time!” Lena shot up, her blanket falling around her. “Stop looking at me like I’ll break! You were the one that broke and gave us away.” There was a pang of regret as soon as the words left Lena’s mouth, but she was so tired.
Natasha blinked, her face hardening in response to Lena's raised voice. “I’m just trying to make sure you’re alright.” “Well, stop!” Lena’s heart pounded in her chest. “I’ve been surviving on my own for five years just fine without you hovering over me! I don’t need you now, you’re just trying to make yourself feel better!” The words flew out before she could stop them, and she saw the way they landed on Natasha’s face. Her older sister’s jaw tightened. “I’ve been trying to protect you,” she shot back in Russian. Her tone was low, controlled, but Lena could hear the sharp edge of her anger beneath it. “Protect me?” Lena scoffed, switching to Russian too, her own voice rising with each word. “How? You didn’t even know if I was dead or alive!” “That’s not fair,” Natasha growled, standing up, her hands curling into fists at her sides. “You don’t know what it was like for me!” “And you don’t know what it was like for me!” Lena yelled. “I fought every single day. I survived by myself for five years! I didn’t need you then, and I don’t need you now!” The half lie passed through Lena’s teeth without a thought. Maybe her younger self did need her, but now?
Natasha’s eyes flashed with something between hurt and fury, and as they continued shouting angry Russian over each other, the door swung open, neither girl had heard the knocks. “Woah, everyone calm down.” Phil’s voice was firm, the tension in the air thick as he stepped between their defensive stances. “Both of you.” Lena glared at her sister, her chest tight and trying to control her breathing. Natasha didn’t say anything, but the set of her jaw was tight, her eyes locked on the floor. Phil didn’t raise his voice, but the authority in his tone was unmistakable. “I want you both to take a minute. Separate. Cool off.” Natasha stiffened, but after a beat, she turned sharply and stormed out of the room without a word. Lena remained where she was, fist still clenched at her side, body taught with anger. Phil looked at her for a long moment, his expression softer than before, but still serious. “Take five minutes, okay?” His voice was gentler this time. “You’re not in trouble, Natasha’s not in trouble, just take some time to breathe.”
Lena didn’t respond verbally, just gave a slight nod. Phil gave her one last look before leaving, the door clicking softly behind him. Lena exhaled sharply, her heart still racing. She sat down heavily on the bed, wrapping her arms around herself, trying to pull the pieces of her composure back together. Five minutes passed in a blur of tangled thoughts and frustration. When the soft knock came again, this time from Melinda, Lena was almost grateful. “Can I come in?” Melinda asked gently. Lena swallowed and nodded. “Yeah.” Melinda stepped inside, closing the door quietly behind her. She didn’t sit down, just stood near the door, her calm presence filling the room. “Want to talk about what just happened?” Melinda asked softly. Lena bit her lip, her eyes fixed on the floor. “I’m sorry, I-” Melinda cut off her apology with a look that had become familiar. “I don’t know,” she admitted, her voice small. “She’s so… I”
Melinda nodded, waiting for her to continue. “I got to the Red Room when I was six.” Lena began, her words slow and measured. “I kept myself alive while I watched girls disappear. And Natasha thinks I’m the kid from before. I am a top Widow and I haven’t graduated yet. I took care of myself, I don’t need anyone.” Her voice wavered, and she looked up at Melinda, her eyes searching, desperate for some kind of understanding. “I watched people die all around me, sometimes because of me. But I kept living and learnt weakness meant death. And if they find me, when I go back to the Red Room, I don’t know if I’ll survive.”
Melinda watched Lena, her heart breaking at the young girl’s words. She took a slow, steady breath, knowing how important it was to choose her words carefully. Lena wasn’t just an almost 12-year-old—she was a child soldier. Her need for control, for independence, was understandable, but it was also masking the fear and vulnerability Lena couldn’t bring herself to express. "You won't go back," Melinda said firmly, her voice steady but full of conviction. "We're not going to let that happen." Lena looked at her, eyes wide with a mix of fear and doubt. "How can you say that? You don’t know. You don’t know what they can do, what they will do to me if they find me."
Melinda took a step closer, still giving Lena space but closing the gap just enough to show she wasn’t going anywhere. "You're not alone anymore, Lena. You don’t have to carry everything by yourself. I know you’re strong—you’ve survived things no one should ever have to. But strength doesn’t mean doing everything alone." She hesitated, choosing her words with care. "Strength also means knowing when to let people help you." Lena’s throat tightened as she listened. She wanted to argue, wanted to push Melinda away like she had Natasha, but the fight had left her when she watched her sister leave.
“I don’t know how,” Lena whispered. “I don’t know how to not be alone. She doesn’t know me anymore. I’m not who she wants me to be.”
Melinda’s gaze softened. "That’s okay. You don’t have to know how right now. But you don’t have to figure it out all at once either. We’re here to help you, but we’re not going to force anything. Your sister loves you as you are. I think she just wants to atone for things that weren’t her fault and she’s scared. " Lena swallowed hard, feeling the tight knot in her chest loosen, just a little as she listened. “You both need time to relearn each other and yourself.” Lena knew her sister felt an enormous amount of guilt, despite all of her assurances. But there was something comforting about Melinda’s words. They weren’t promises she didn’t believe, and they weren’t demands. It was something to work towards. "Okay," Lena said softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "I’ll try." Melinda nodded, a small, reassuring smile tugging at her lips. "That’s all we ask."
There was a long pause, the tension still evident in Lena’s shoulders. “Can I give you a hug?” Melinda asked softly. Lena hesitated for a moment, then nodded stiffly. Melinda wrapped her arms around her, and Lena stood frozen for a beat before allowing herself to relax slightly into the embrace. It wasn’t the kind of hug that felt comforting at first, it felt foreign and kind of awkward. But as Melinda held her, something inside Lena began to uncoil, just a little. “Get some rest,” Melinda said gently when she pulled away. “You’ve got a big day tomorrow.” Lena nodded and watched as Melinda gave her a small wave before heading out the door. Once the room was quiet again, Lena let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. Natasha hadn’t come back, and the pit in her stomach hadn’t gone away, but she could breathe well enough to sleep. The rest would have to wait.
The next morning, Lena woke early, the nervous flutter in her chest starting up again. She moved through the motions, getting dressed in her uniform and grabbing her bag. Phil was waiting downstairs with a small smile, handing her a bowl of packaged cereal. “I figured you might not feel like eating much, but you’ve gotta have something,” he said, his tone gentle. Lena took the bowl and nodded, appreciating the thought. She picked at it while Phil sipped his coffee, the silence between them comfortable but charged with the anticipation of the day ahead.
"Ready?" Phil asked after a while, his voice steady, even though Lena could sense his concern. "Always," Lena muttered, standing up and slinging her bag over her shoulder. Phil gave her a small smile and patted her shoulder as they headed to the car. The drive to school was quiet, but Phil didn’t try to fill the silence. He knew when to give space, and for that, Lena was grateful. As they pulled up to Chester Phillips Preparatory, Lena’s heart raced, her eyes scanning the students milling about in front of the building.
Phil parked the car and looked over at her. "You’ve got this," he said simply. Lena nodded, though her stomach churned with nerves. She took a deep breath, grabbed her bag, and stepped out of the car.
She walked towards the entrance, feeling the eyes of other students on her, but she ignored it. She was Lena Morse now, and Lena Morse was ready to face the world—even if Yelena Belova wasn’t sure she ever would be.