Now the Weight of the World
Since she arrived at the Coulson-May house, Lena had observed and learned as much as she could about how people interacted here. In her mission experience, she learned it varied a lot based on location, and adapted accordingly. New Jersey would be no different. It felt different, though, as she walked in the doors of the middle school. It hit her that this was the longest she had been anywhere outside of the Red Room since she was taken. Mission lengths varied but rarely exceeded a few weeks. The mission with Malick was the longest she’d ever done and even that was only meant for 2 months. The duffel bag under her bed held the remnants of doubt Lena shoved away. But it was always ready.
She pushed those thoughts away as she stepped up to the reception desk. An older woman sat behind the desk, smiling in recognition as Lena walked up. Mrs. Croft had done her intake paperwork and had promised to have her schedule waiting for her on the first day. “Good morning Lena, I’m glad to see you here for your first day! Here’s a print of your schedule and ID and lunch number. You’ll get your new ID card once we get a picture for you, alright?” The woman’s words were quick and bright, a little overwhelming. Lena pushed through, nodding at the right times and thanking her in a matching tone. “Oh, I’ve got someone to show you around, she’s in your year and most of your classes.” She gestured for the brunette girl who had been reading a book when Lena walked in. The girl smiled, reaching out her hand for Lena to shake, “Hi, I’m Jemma Simmons, it’s nice to meet you.” Lena shook her hand, returning the girl’s smile. “Lena.” Mrs. Croft pats Lena’s shoulder, walking back behind the desk. “Alright, you’re in good hands with Jemma. Have a good day!” Jemma waves and starts explaining Lena’s schedule to her. She halfway processes the other girl’s words, halfway hyper aware of everything and everyone around. “We have history with Dr. Andrews first, let’s head there now so you can get settled and everything.” Her accent was slightly posh British which required a bit of focus so Lena didn’t copy it. Jemma led the way through the hallway, talking about each of the classes she’d be in and Lena absorbed all of it.
As they approached the history classroom, Lena braced herself. She had read about schools but never truly experienced one in full swing, with students bustling in the hallways, teachers calling out reminders, and lockers slamming shut. She remembered snippets of Before from kindergarten in Ohio but she was normal then, there was no need to act. Everything felt chaotic, loud, and unsettling. She masked her nerves, focusing on keeping her expression neutral and easy, just as she had been taught.
When they entered the room, an older man with a neatly trimmed beard and warm eyes glanced up from his desk. “Ah, you must be Lena Morse,” he said with a friendly smile. He stood and extended a hand to her. “I’m Dr. Andrews. Welcome to history class.” Lena shook his hand, her grip firm but careful not to overdo it. “Thank you, Dr. Andrews,” she replied, hoping her voice sounded natural. “I had a chance to read your admission test essay,” he continued, still smiling. “It was well-written and insightful, particularly for someone just joining us. I’m looking forward to seeing what you bring to our class discussions.” The compliment took her off-guard. She’d barely thought about it, only that she had to finish it to get here. “Thank you,” she managed, nodding respectfully. He seemed satisfied and gestured to the rows of desks. “Feel free to sit wherever you like,” he said before returning to his paperwork.
Jemma led her to a pair of seats near the middle of the room, where she could see both the board and the teacher without being directly in anyone’s line of sight. As they sat down, Jemma leaned over. “Oh, Lena, meet my friends,” she said, gesturing to two students across the aisle. One of them, a girl with dark hair and a relaxed, confident look, smiled. “Hey, I’m Daisy. Welcome to the thrilling world of seventh-grade history.” She grinned, her tone playful. The boy beside her, who had a mop of curly hair and was fiddling with a pen, gave her a shy but friendly nod. “Leo Fitz,” he introduced himself, his accent softly Scottish. “Nice to meet you.”
“I’m Lena, nice to meet y’all.” she said simply, mirroring their casual greetings, keeping her smile small but polite. After working on a couple different accents, she settled on a light Southern, matching the Oklahoma drawl that matched Bobbi’s. It was easier than others to fall into and Yelena liked the way words felt like honey as she spoke. Before they could chat more, Dr. Andrews began the class. He spoke clearly, his voice carrying an easy authority that drew everyone’s attention. “Good morning, everyone. Today we’re starting a unit on ancient civilizations, looking specifically at the rise of the Mesopotamian city-states. We’ll explore how the first written laws and social structures began.”
Lena sat up slightly, intrigued despite herself. Her training had included history, it was taught as a tool to study power and dominance, so at least it’s something she might be good at. As he continued, she noticed how the other students reacted, some scribbling notes, others clearly zoning out. She had never been given the option to disengage in a lesson, and it felt odd to see kids slumping over their desks or tapping their pencils absentmindedly. She fought the urge to make herself invisible and took quick notes, doing her best to appear as calm and collected as her classmates. The one difference she noted was that Dr. Andrews seemed genuinely fascinated by the topic, not concerned with control or conquest. He focused on including culture and society. He made them human, which felt odd for her to process. She knows the Red Room was harsh in nature, but how much different was she from her new peers? How long would it take before she was left behind?
The day went on with Jemma kindly including her in conversation and Lena observing every interaction. In English, her teacher Dr. Parsons introduced herself quickly to Lena and moved on to start class with a reading assignment, handing out copies of Crime and Punishment. Lena turned the worn cover over in her hands, noticing the way the other kids relaxed in their seats, some even slouching as they opened their books. The Russian name caught her eye as she studied the cover. “It’s a good book. We only analyze sections in class, but I’ve read the whole thing.” Jemma whispers, having watched the other girl stare at the book.
“Thanks,” Lena replied, trying to sound casual. She was acutely aware of each glance, every whispered comment that floated across the classroom. Still, she forced herself to open the book and read, absorbing the words on the page while keeping a fraction of her attention on the others. She mimicked their posture, leaning back slightly in her chair, holding the book at an angle, just like the girl next to her. After the designated time to read the passage, Dr. Parsons took her place at the front of the room and began lecturing on psychological analysis and internal struggle. By the time class was over, Lena was exhausted in a way she hadn’t anticipated. When the lunch bell rang, Lena trailed Jemma, scanning the cafeteria for a quiet spot to sit. They settled at a table by the windows, where Daisy and Fitz soon joined them.
Lena pulled out the lunch she had decided to pack for herself that morning, something simple, nothing that would stand out too much. An Uncrustable, an apple, and a small bag of chips. "Hey, Lena," Leo said, his voice bright. "I meant to ask you earlier—where did you move from? You don’t have an accent like most people around here." Lena paused, searching for the right answer. The cover story was simple enough. Her parents had died in a car accident, and she’d moved in with her uncle, who was her legal guardian now. That was the truth as far as anyone here needed to know. “I, uh, I grew up in Ohio,” she said, trying to sound normal. “I lived in Oklahoma for a while but um, my parents died. Moved here to live with my uncle and aunt.”
Daisy nodded sympathetically, leaning in. “I’m sorry to hear that. I lost my parents when I was little.” Lena forced a small, grateful smile, though the words didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Thank you.” She took a bite of her sandwich, hoping the conversation would move on. Luckily, Jemma, ever the kind-hearted soul, noticed the new girl’s uncomfort. “So, where exactly did you grow up? I mean, I’m from southwest England, so I’m always curious about different places in the States.” Lena hesitated, but the lie came easily, the mask slipping on without a thought. “I grew up in Ohio for a while, but we moved when I was six,” she said, her voice a little softer as she thought about her old home. “After that, we lived in Oklahoma.”
“Oklahoma?” Leo perked up, his eyebrows raising. “That’s kinda far from here. What was it like?” Lena kept her answer simple. “It was quiet. Small town. Nothing much happened.” She could feel her mind drifting despite her attempts to stay focused. Daisy and Jemma kept asking more questions, chatting easily about their own lives. They spoke casually about their neighborhoods, their favorite foods, and school memories, and it all seemed so normal. So much like what Lena had before, yet so far out of reach.
She responded when she had to, tried to follow along as they laughed and joked, but her thoughts kept slipping into the silence of her mind. What was the point of all of this? Why was she even here? She glanced at the clock. Lunch was almost over, and she hadn’t even noticed the time pass. She had slipped into autopilot, just moving through the motions. The sound of laughter at the table faded into a dull hum, and Lena stared at her half-eaten sandwich, feeling the dull ache of detachment creep in again.
The bell rang, pulling Lena back to reality as the sound echoed in the cafeteria. Jemma stood up, gathering her things with a smile. "Well, I guess we should head to our next class, huh?" she said, her voice upbeat. Lena nodded automatically, picking up her lunch tray and following her. They walked down the hallway, the bustle of students reminding Lena of just how out of place she felt. She'd spent the last few hours trying to blend in, trying to convince herself she was just like everyone else. But no matter how hard she tried to mimic their laughter, their casual conversations, the feeling of alienation only grew stronger. She wasn’t like them. She couldn’t be.
She didn’t belong here.
Her thoughts started to spiral again, the weight of it all pressing down on her chest. The school, the cafeteria, the conversations, none of it felt real. It all felt like a performance, something she was supposed to play along with but didn’t understand. What was the point of this? Why was she even trying to fit in? To blend in with people who had no idea what she had been through? Who didn’t even know what she was capable of? She could feel the familiar itch under her skin, the urge to slip back into the shadows, to disappear.
Why had she even agreed to this in the first place? To stay here with Coulson and May? To go to school? She’d been so focused on survival, on making it through the Red Room, on keeping her distance from people. But here she was, surrounded by them, forced to pretend she was just another kid trying to make it through middle school.
And yet, the thought of leaving, of running away again, felt just as suffocating.
Where would she go?
She had no one else. Lena’s stomach twisted, a cold knot forming deep inside. She had to remind herself, this was her chance. This was her new life, a life that Anna, Katya, the little blonde girl, and so many others would never have the chance to experience because of her. Stepping into the classroom, the emptiness inside her remained. Nothing about this world felt like it was meant for her. She was just playing a part, none of it would ever be real.
And the only thing that made sense now was that maybe… maybe it wasn’t worth it. She’d done the one thing she’d stopped hoping for. There was nothing real beyond that, just the idyllic picture of something that she couldn’t have. She sat down at her desk, staring blankly at the front of the room, trying to silence the thoughts swirling in her mind. She had to keep moving forward, even if she didn’t know where.
The bell rang again a few hours later, signaling the end of the day, and Lena gathered her things slowly. Her mind was still tangled in confusion, in doubt. She’d survived so much already. She should have been grateful for this chance, this new life. But all she could feel was the crushing weight of it all. She bid a soft goodbye to her new classmates (friends?), and as she walked out towards the car where Phil was waiting, she couldn’t shake the question that had been gnawing at her all day.
Why was she even here?