The Aftermath
Ava hadn’t expected Lilith and Camila to throw a huge house warming party just 3 weeks, 3 fucking weeks, after their wedding – and just 3 days before they would leave for their honeymoon. But apparently relaxing was not a word either of them had in their vocabulary and Ava wasn’t going to complain. She could use the distraction. Anything really to get her mind of things. One thing. One person, actually.
The one person she suddenly found herself face to face with, when she was wandering through the house, pushing past all the people who were chatting, drinking and dancing in every room, while she was trying to find the two hosts.
Ava’s heart skipped several beats. There she stood, looking unfairly gorgeous as always, and Ava was so utterly unprepared for this encounter that once again, she could just stand and stare for a moment, no words coming out of her mouth.
She hadn’t seen the other woman since she had freaked out after their mind-blowing night together and had left Beatrice’s hotel room without a word in a moment of panic in the early morning hours. Which was stupid and shitty and she knew it even then. In her defense, she had sat next to the bed, watching Beatrice sleep peacefully, taking in the soft curves of her body and admiring how the rising sun shining through the window was giving her flawless skin an even more beautiful glow. She had been listening to her own pounding heart for at least an hour. She had been writing a long, heartfelt and honest letter to Beatrice. And then the other woman had stirred in her sleep and Ava had panicked. She had freaking panicked, grabbed all her things and bolted, the unfinished letter still in her hand.
So, yeah, she was not surprised that Beatrice didn’t look all that thrilled to see her. Though, unlike Ava, she did not seem surprised to see her here. She must have expected Ava to be at Camila and Lilith’s housewarming party. And Ava would have expected her to be here as well, hadn’t she clearly heard Beatrice tell Dr. Salvius at the wedding that she would have to go back to Spain for a month before returning and moving into her new flat. It hadn’t even been 3 weeks. But apparently she had sorted out her issues earlier than anticipated, because she was clearly here, staring back at Ava, her face distant and unreadable.
There was a tense silence, that Ava desperately wanted to go away. She wanted to say something, just anything, but her mind was blank. So eventually Beatrice just nodded in an overly formal way, mumbled a “Hello, Ava.” and just walked past her without another word. Ava’s heart sank. She immediately turned around and finally found her voice again: “Bea, wait…”, she started, but in that moment someone threw their arms around her shoulder and pulled her into a strong hug.
“Avaaaa!”, she heard Camila giggle. She was clearly tipsy, but seemed very happy. Her smile could light up the whole room and it made Ava momentarily forget her anguish. “Now that you are here, we can start playing!”, Camila happily announced.
“Play what?”, Ava asked carefully. She hadn’t even started drinking, yet.
“Never have I ever!”, Camila shouted, like it was obvious. And then, to Ava’s absolute horror, she shouted: “Where are all my girls? Babe, Dora, Bea, come here!”
And before Ava could come up with an excuse to sit this one out, Camila had dragged both her and Beatrice to the living room and made them sit down on the huge corner couch. If she wondered why Beatrice chose to sit on the end furthest away from Ava, she did not show it. Ava was actually contemplating just getting closer, trying to show that no, she was not avoiding Beatrice and yes, she would actually like to talk – but this reluctant plan was quickly ruined by more people joining the game and carelessly taking all the free seats between Ava and Beatrice.
Ava let herself fall back into the couch cushions with a sigh. This was going to be a nightmare.
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The game went a bit differently than it normally did, because apparently one of Camila’s friends had prepared a huge glass full of little papers with what he called the ultimate Never Have I Ever questions and everyone playing had to take turns drawing one. And then, as it always went, everyone who had done whatever it said on the paper had to drink – including the person reading the question.
There were at least 30 people at the party, all of which Ava knew to some degree, but most were busy playing kicker, chilling in the pool or just chatting in the lounge or on the terrace. So it ended up just being Camila, Lilith, Dora, Beatrice, Ava and Michael playing the game.
Ava was painfully aware of how Beatrice was avoiding even looking at her. But that didn’t stop her from observing the other woman and memorizing all the new information she got about her through the game that had once been a treasured link between them. And she did learn a lot of new things about Beatrice: she still had never stolen anything (no surprise there), she had never gone skinny-dipping (Though it made Ava reimagine their lake situation less than 3 weeks ago without clothes and damn, she was definitely blushing), she had never kissed more than one person in 24 hours (to which Camila had jokingly asked Beatrice if she had even kissed more than one person at all, since she only knew of her one ex-girlfriend from Spain – Beatrice had just shrugged it off, but her and Ava had shared a very brief, awkward glance afterwards), she had never cursed in a place of worship (and she seemed appalled that some of the player had, including Ava), she had never drunk-dialed an ex (good!).
But she had ridden a motorcycle (Because of course she had. Badass). She had climbed out of a window at least once (probably the poetry reading she sneaked out to). She had sexted someone (don’t think about it, Ava, don’t think about it!) and she had had sex outside (don’t think about this, either, Ava, just don’t!).
So the game was totally chill. Everything was fine. Ava was fine. They were fine, skilfully pretending like their wasn’t a huge unspoken issue between them. That was, until Camila pulled out a new question and started laughing instantly. “Never Ever Have I hooked up with someone who is at this party.”, Camila had read out loud and immediately downed a shot, quickly followed by Lilith.
The moment she read it out, Ava froze and her eyes instantly flickered to Beatrice’s. And only for the second time since the game started, she found the other woman looking back, albeit hesitantly. Ava felt her heartbeat speed up instantly. Beatrice quickly averted her gaze though, holding a shot glass in her hand, but making no move to drink from it, instead keeping her eyes fixed on the floor. She looked extremely uncomfortable.
Ava inhaled deeply, then slowly raised the glass to her lips and drank, together with Dora and Michael, because she knew she would definitely not get away with not drinking. What she did not expect was Beatrice watching her and then in one swift, determined movement downing her own shot as well.
All eyes were suddenly on Beatrice and Ava felt her heart sink when she saw the deer-caught-in-headlights look in Beatrice’s eyes the second she realized that everyone was staring at her.
“What?”, she hesitantly asked, though she sounded nervous.
When Ava followed Beatrice’s gaze to Camila’s face and saw the excited gleam in her friend’s eyes, she knew what was about to come, but she was too overwhelmed to even react.
And then it came, the overly gleeful: “Oh my God, Bea?!? When? Who?”
Ava felt her heart stop. She wanted to tell Camila to shut up, but wasn’t sure if that would help the situation.
Beatrice nervously licked her lips. “It doesn’t matter, it…”, she started, but Camila would have none of it: “Oh my God, was it Lucía?”, she asked in a fake conspicuous whisper, while not very subtly staring in Lucía Marquez’ direction. Ava felt her stomach drop. Why would Camila instantly guess Lucía like it was the obvious pick from everyone in this room?
“What? No…”, Beatrice stuttered, sounding equally surprised.
“Well, then who was it?”, Camila pushed, a big grin on her face. “Spill! Was it Rebecca? Oh, oh, no, I know! Was it...?”
“Cami, come on…”, Ava tried to interrupt, but Camila just shut her up with a groan. “I am just curious!”, Camila defended herself and then looked back at Beatrice, who quickly averted her eyes from Ava’s face, where they had briefly and clearly unintendedly landed when the younger woman had chimed in. Beatrice still seemed very tense, but Camila in her half-drunk state did not seem to notice, as she just continued: “I just didn’t know you hooked up with one of my friends. That’s crazy! You never told me.”
Beatrice sighed loudly. “Okay, but why are you just grilling me and not the others?” She sounded more defensive and frustrated than Ava had ever heard her. “Literally everyone in this round took a shot! Why are you all just looking at me?”
Ava gritted her teeth, but Camila just laughed at that. “Well, because we all know who everyone else hooked up with.”, she then giggled and Ava saw the exact moment the realization hit Beatrice. She froze and her eyes shot up to Ava’s. “But if you feel uncomfortable you don’t need to tell us, Bea, it’s okay”, Camila assured Beatrice. It broke Ava’s heart to see the look of hurt on Beatrice’s face. It was just there for a second, before her mask of indifference came up again and she redirected her gaze to Camila.
She sighed again. “It doesn’t matter.”, she then said with a forced smile, her tone defeated. “It didn’t mean anything anyways.” That hurt. And it hurt even more to know that it hurt Beatrice to say it, too. Beatrice briefly hesitated, before quickly standing up. “Excuse me, I need the bathroom.”
Ava watched her go for only a second, before her mouth decided to announce that she also needed the bathroom. When she got up to follow Beatrice outside, she did not miss the look of shock and recognition on Camila’s face.
Fuck.
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Ava found Beatrice on the terrace. She was the only person outside, since it had started drizzling sometime during their game and everyone had come back inside. That was probably why Beatrice went here. She had her back turned towards Ava, but she must have heard someone approaching, because her pacing had suddenly stopped.
Ava took a deep breath, then exhaled it slowly, before taking a step outside. To her surprise the light rain didn’t bother her, it was even pleasant in the hot summer air.
“Bea?”, she carefully asked.
Beatrice turned around slowly, the arms crossed. “What do you want, Ava?” Her tone was both cold and tired.
Ava bit her lips. Yeah, that was a valid question. What did she want? “I’m just…”, she started. “You seemed upset and I just wanted to… check up on you. See if you are okay.”
That just drew a disbelieving huff out of Beatrice. “Oh, so now you want to check up on me and see if I am okay?”, she coldly asked, her eyes burning with supressed anger.
Ava closed her eyes for a moment. “Bea, I know it was…”, she tried, but was quickly cut off by the older woman.
“Do you always do that?”, Beatrice asked coldly. “Is that like your thing?”
“What?”
“To just leave without a word.” Beatrice mercilessly held Ava’s gaze with that disappointed look in her eyes throughout the whole conversation and as much as Ava wanted to look away, to give herself a break from the guilt she felt, she just couldn’t.
I wrote you a letter, she wanted to say. But instead she just replied with a wide-eyed “No!”, which obviously wasn’t the smartest answer, but it was the truth.
“Oh, so should I feel special now?”, Beatrice sarcastically said.
Yes. Ava once again gulped down the first word that came to her mind. It wouldn’t help anyone. Beatrice didn’t need more of Ava’s messy feelings right now. She deserved clarity and an apology. That was the least Ava could offer her.
“Listen, I am sorry about the other night.”, she sincerely told her. “I shouldn’t have just left. I was just nervous and confused and didn’t know what to say to you, because I was really not looking for anything serious…”
“It’s fine, Ava.”, Beatrice interrupted her again, in a much more quiet voice, but still laced with hurt. “I’m a grown woman. I know what a one night stand is. Don’t worry.”
Okay, that stung.
“I didn’t say it didn’t mean anything…” The words had stumbled out of her mouth before she could even try to keep them in. They just earned her another huff from Beatrice, softer this time. “You didn’t need to, Ava. You made that crystal clear.”
“Bea.”
Beatrice just shrugged. “It’s fine, Ava. I got it. I’ll just leave you alone from now on.” And with these words she started walking past Ava towards the terrace door.
Ava instantly spun around. Yeah, she was a mess and yeah she was scared and yeah she was nowhere near ready for any kind of commitment right now, and she sure as hell did not know what she wanted. But there was one thing she knew for sure.
“I don’t want that.”
Beatrice stopped in her tracks and just stood there for a moment, back to Ava, hands in her pockets, shoulders tense, before she sighed and slowly turned around again. She was looking at Ava with a defeated, but unfairly gentle look in her eyes. “And what do you want, Ava?”, she softly challenged.
Yeah. She should have really expected that question. And she definitely should have thought about the answer to it before. But here she was, still annoyingly confused. “I just… I do like you, Bea.”, she admitted and when she saw the look in Beatrice’s eyes soften and turn into something akin to hopeful, she backpaddled instantly. “I like talking to you and being around you and I just thought that we could…”
“… be friends?”, Beatrice sarcastically supplied, her arms crossed in front of her again. Ava pinched her nose nervously. Not exactly what she had in mind, but sure, she would take friendship over nothing at all any day.
“Yeah. Friends.”, she nodded with a forced smile. ”I mean, we are both friends with Camila. We will probably see each other regularly. It’s best if we get along, right? I mean…”
“Okay, fine.”, Beatrice shut her up with an eyeroll. “Fine. We can be friends.” She didn’t seem convinced, but her posture had visibly relaxed, so Ava took that as a win. “Okay. Great.”, she breathed out with a nervous grin.
Beatrice sighed and eyed Ava with a piercing stare. “Just so we are clear”; she then said in a business-like tone, underlining her following words with a slight lift of her chin. “I don’t do friends with benefits.”
Ava felt her heart stop and her body nervously heating up under Beatrice’s intense stare. She swallowed. “Yeah. No. I know.”, she stuttered. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t thinking that.” That was just half true. She was known to make even more of a mess out of situations like these.
Beatrice continued scanning her with an examining look that made Ava break out into nervous sweat, before finally nodding. “Alright then. I will head back in, because I actually do need the bathroom.” She still sounded so detached. It made Ava’s heart ache, but she knew she had brought that onto herself.
“Yeah. Sure. Of course. I will… see you inside in a bit.”, she replied hoarsely. And with one last look at Ava, Beatrice went back inside.
Ava drew in the humid air around her in an attempt to clear up her thoughts.
A one night stand, Beatrice had called it. Which really shouldn’t hurt as much as it did. But it did. And Ava knew for sure that it hurt Beatrice just as much. She knew Beatrice position when it came to one night stands. She had known for 5 years and for some reason she had the nagging feeling that despite everything that had changed in Beatrice’s live since then, that hadn’t.
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5 years ago
When Ava had told Mary about how she had asked Beatrice if she had ever kissed anyone, she had purposely left out the fact that this part of the conversation had started completely differently and with a much less innocent Never Have I Ever question.
“Have you ever had a one-night-stand?”, was the first romance-related question Ava had asked Beatrice.
Beatrice just stared at her incredulously, grabbed her bottle and took a long sip. The way she kept her eyes on Ava’s in disbelief all the time made Ava curious, so she went on: “An affair? A fuckbuddy? Friend with benefits?”
Beatrice’s eyes widened with every word and at the end of the list she huffed loudly. “Do I have to take a drink for each one of those now?”
Ava just rose an eyebrow, but instead of answering she grabbed the paper again. Before she could start writing though she was stopped by Beatrice’s clear, determined voice: “Don’t put that on the list!”
Ava was surprised by the sudden outburst and the clarity in Beatrice’s voice. Beatrice looked at her in all seriousness and inhaled. “I don’t think that that’s my thing.”, she explained. “None of the aforementioned. I don’t think intimacy without feelings is for me. And the rest sound extremely messy. I would rather avoid knowingly setting myself up for heartache.”
Ava just stared at Beatrice in wonder. She had never thought about it that way and the certainty with which Beatrice, despite seemingly not having much experience in that area, knew what she wanted, both surprised and impressed her.
And it did kind of make sense. Beatrice seemed like the kind of person that needed to have thing very clear, that thought thoroughly about things before doing them, Ava, in contrast, had always been more of a trial and error girl. She always jumped headfirst into everything that appealed to her, consequences be damned. She wanted to experience and try out everything, even if just for once, so she had had her fair share of one night stands and messy fuckbuddy situations. It hadn’t even crossed her mind, that Beatrice might not want that. But she understood. “Oh. Okay. Sure. Sorry.”, she said. “No one night stands, fuck buddies, affairs or friends with benefits for Beatrice.” She then smiled softly at Beatrice. “I actually think that is a very good decision. Especially if feelings and trust are important for you in sex. You deserve more than any of these have to offer.”