A leap of faith
Ava had seen Beatrice a total of two times since Camila’s and Lilith’s housewarming party – both times were to exchange their friends’ housekeys, because at the end of said party they had both volunteered to water their plants and feed their cat while they were on their honeymoon. Ava had had no intention of offering her help with that. But then Beatrice had said that she could cover the first and third week, but would be away for work during the second week. And before anyone else could answer, Ava had said rather quickly and loudly: “I can do the second week.”
She had instantly been met with several pairs of eyes with expressions ranging from mild surprise to clear scepticism.
The latter one being from Lilith, who just furrowed her eyes and stated: “Ava, you literally live at the other side of the city over an hour away. I don’t think…”
“Oh no, it’s no problem. Really!”, Ava had interrupted her and then had turned to Beatrice with what she hoped was an easy, natural and totally not desperate smile. “Just give me your number, so we can text when and where to exchange the keys.” She did not miss the small, but knowing smile on Camila's face.
And just like that she had scored Beatrice’s phone number and two fixed meetings with her. See. Easy. They would be fine. Being friends with Beatrice would be great.
Except that all of their interactions since their heart to heart at the party had mainly served to make one thing painfully obvious:
“Things with Beatrice are kind of weird.” Ava was slumped on Mary and Shannon’s sofa, still feeling the disappointment at Beatrice brushing off any attempt at even small talk, citing being very busy both times as an excuse to leave as quickly as possible. “She is being so… distant.”
Mary didn’t even looked up from her phone, when drily answering: “And we are surprised about this, because…?”
Ava sighed, crossing her arms in frustration. “Because we said we would be friends.”, she grumbled. “And this doesn’t feel like being friends. That barely feels like acquaintances.”
She heard Mary groan in frustration. When Ava turned to her best friend, she realized she had finally put her phone away and sat up on the sofa to face her. Ava leaned her back further into her end of the sofa under Mary’s "no bullshit"- and “time-to-have-a-serious-talk”-stare.
“Is she unfriendly to you?”, Mary asked, an eyebrow raised in a light challenge.
Ava looked at her in surprise. “No!”
“Is she ignoring you?”
“No…”
“So she talks to you?”
“Yes…” She did see where Mary was going with that and it made her sink even deeper into the sofa.
“Does she do so in a passive-aggressive way?”
“No...”, Ava finally admitted softly. “No, she is actually always very polite.”
Mary just reacted with a pointed look. “That girl is an angel.”, she then drily commented. And Ava agreed, wholeheartedly, but of course Mary then had to add: “I really don’t know what you are expecting after everything.” Ouch. So, yeah, she did kind of have a point. But she had already given Ava the “how could you”- and “you were an absolute prick”- and “how could you let a woman like that go”-talk several times and Ava really felt like it wasn’t going to help rubbing it into her face another ten times.
“Okay, I messed up, I get it.”, Ava let out frustratedly. “But can you just go back to being my friend again and stop being a bitch about it? I already got it the last ten times you told me.”
Only when she saw the softened and slightly guilty look on Mary’s face did she realize that her eyes had started tearing up and a lump had formed in her throat. There was a short, heavy silence in the air.
“Yeah. Sorry. Of course.”, Mary then muttered. She hesitated, looked at Ava in thought and then added: “Just, give me a sec.”
Ava just blinked at Mary, when she picked up her phone, pressed a button and then held the phone to her ear. Ava huffed in disbelief. Was she seriously calling someone now in the middle of their conversation? What was so important to…?
“Babe?”, Mary spoke into the phone. “Are you on your way back?” She called Shannon? Why would she call Shannon? Shannon would be home in like 20 minutes. Did the whole thing about being a friend to Ava go completely over her head? Why would she…?
“Could you maybe get some hot chocolate for us on the way back?” And with these words all of Ava’s anger vanished. She met Mary’s apologetic eyes in surprise and was once again reminded how Mary beyond all that tough, badass façade, was a very caring and nurturing friend. She had always been there for her, had - from the moment they had met - been the best friend, the big sister and the mother figure she had never had growing up.
She listened with a soft smile how Mary gave Shannon further instructions to make sure Shannon brought exactly what Ava liked. “You know, from that coffee shop that we like?....Yeah. The one Ava likes…. Yeah. As always… Whipped cream and marshmallows for Ava?” She looked at Ava for confirmation and Ava nodded happily.
“Thanks, babe. I love you.”, Mary quickly ended the call, before turning back to Ava. Ava just gave her a grateful smile. She knew Mary well enough to know that an actual heartfelt thank you would have just gotten a huff from her, but she also knew Mary understood that she was forgiven and that Ava appreciated her thoughtfulness without words.
“So.”, Mary started again. “You are right. I should try to understand rather than judge. And I will try. But you also know I am not one for sugarcoating. You have always known that.”
“Yeah, I know.”, Ava chuckled. “If I wanted someone to coddle me, I would have talked to Shannon instead.”
Mary just rolled her eyes at Ava, but Ava could see how she was supressing a smile. “So tell me. I promise I will listen and try not to be a bitch about it.”
Now it was Ava’s turn to roll her eyes, but then she got serious again. “I just… Whenever me and Beatrice do talk it feels like she would rather be anywhere else.”, Ava admitted in a weak voice. “That is not what I imagined when I suggested to be friends.”
Mary looked at her and then nodded. “What did you imagine?”, she then asked.
Ava opened her mouth, but found her mind completely blank. She realized she didn’t even know what to say. What did she imagine? She inhaled deeply and then shrugged helplessly.
Mary sighed again. “Look.”, she said in an understanding, but clear tone. “Beatrice is giving you more than most people would in her situation. You made her feel like she is just another one night stand to you. Like you don’t care about her at all beyond keeping the peace in you group of friends.”
“But I told her…”, Ava started, but Mary stopped her with a gesture of her hand, before continuing: “It doesn’t matter what you told her. You know how they say actions speak louder than words?”
Ava swallowed and nodded.
“Yeah, and your actions recently haven't exactly screamed I want you in my life or I want some kind of meaningful relationship with you.”
Once again, there wasn’t really anything Ava could say, so she just let Mary continued and listened.
“If you want your current relationship to change, you have to do something about it.”, Mary went on. “You fucked it up, so it is on you to fix it now. She already gave you everything she had. It is on you now to put yourself out there and take the next step.”
“What if I mess it up again?”
“You won’t.”, Mary said in a firm voice.
“How would you know?", Ava challenged. She could feel herself get upset, but tried to keep down her frustration. "I always mess relationships up. Because I am stupid and impulsive and don’t think before I act and…”
“Ava, stop!", Mary cut her off in a sharp voice. "A) You are not that person anymore. You have come a long way from the lost girl you were when I first met you. And B) This is completely different.”
“How?”
“I have seen you through all your spectacularly failed attempts at dating, babygirl.”, Mary reminded her and Ava tried to stretch out her legs a bit to kick Mary’s knee for that comment, but Mary just pulled her legs a bit more in and continued like nothing had happened: “And you know what makes this different?”
Ava sighed and sat up again. “What?”, she asked sceptically.
Mary looked at her in all sincerity and Ava knew she was going to get one of Mary’s rare long speeches: “With all the other people you dated or like thought you were in love with, you were so desperately looking for a connection that every time you felt even slightly attracted to them you would make up some kind of meaningful bond in your head and just start completely idealizing them. You mistook attraction for love and connection and you so desperately tried to make it work because you wanted to be in love and feel that connection so much you closed your eyes to the truth.” It hurt to hear it said out loud even though Ava knew. She cringed at all the memories of herself desperately throwing herself at people she barely knew and convincing herself that this time, this was the real deal, before quickly moving on to the next one when things predictably did not work out. She had felt so lost for such a long time.
“But this.”, Mary stated. “This is different. You were not looking for someone to connect with. Not now. And not when you first bonded with Beatrice all these years ago.”
“How would you know?”, Ava muttered defeatedly. “You didn’t even know about my night with Beatrice until a couple of weeks ago. Why do you think it was different? I literally convinced myself she was the one in one single night.” It sounded wrong and unfair even to her own self-critical brain, but she couldn’t explain why.
“Ava, seriously. Don’t think I haven’t made the math and connected the dots.”, Mary softly said. “You told me all of this happened at the end of the semester 5 years ago. I painfully remember how you were crazy about that JC guy at that time. I remember vividly you talking about how he was the one and he was so sweet and hot and that you had this incredibly deep connection. I know he was at that party. You had told me how he had even asked you to come and how you thought that this was going to be it. And then, suddenly, after that party, you never mentioned him again. You even rejected his calls. You stayed single, not looking for a relationship for several months – which, for you, was crazy long.” Ava looked at Mary in awe. She hadn’t thought Mary had noticed. She sure as hell hadn’t thought she would remember even now.
Mary tilted her head with a knowing look. “I was worried about you, you know? I thought something had happened for you to cut him off all of a sudden. But knowing what I know now, it is clear it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t do anything wrong. Your night with Beatrice had just made you realize what everyone else had already been aware of for weeks – that with JC you had no connection whatsoever beyond physical attraction.” She made a prominent pause, before continuing: “You felt that connection with Beatrice though. You felt it back then and you felt it at the wedding. A connection that was more than just physical attraction. And for once in your life you hadn’t been looking for it. You weren’t trying to find someone. You didn’t want that connection. You even tried to fight it. But it was still there. And it still is.”
Ava let Mary’s words sink in. She was right. About everything. She had, with one talk, made sense of so many confused thoughts in Ava’s head and had reminded her why she was her best friend. She was absolutely right.
But there was still some things that knowing about the hows and whys did not change: “It’s just… I don’t want to mess things up with Beatrice.”, Ava admitted, her voice breaking slightly. “I really like her, but I… I can’t jump and rush into something again. I am not ready.”
She was expecting another scolding from Mary for not making up her mind, but instead her friend said: “Then don’t.” in her most sincere and caring tone. And then she softly added: “Has it ever crossed your crazy, hyperactive mind that the right way to avoid meaningless, superficial relationships is not to completely give up on dating, but to just take you time with them? To just take it slow?”
Ava sat up and blinked at Mary. It sounded so clear and simple when Mary said it like that.
Mary laughed at Ava’s puzzled face, before further explaining: “Just take your time to get to know her. Take your time to figure out what you want. Take your time to get to know who you are and who you can be together. Don’t rush it, don’t jump head first. Take your time and let it grow. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep, but show her you care. Show her you are interested to know more about her. Show her you want more than just polite hellos and goodbyes. Show her you want a meaningful relationship with her, even if for now it is just as friends. And when the time is right and she is the right one for you, you will know. ”
“I have never been good at taking things slow. What if I mess it up with my impulsivity?”, Ava asked, feeling overwhelmed and out of her depth all of a sudden.
Mary chuckled. “I believe you are in luck there.”
“How so?”
“She won’t let you.”, Mary deadpanned. Ava’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and Mary shrugged. “She has made her boundaries very clear. She is not going to let you break through them.” And then, with a teasing grin, she added: “She is good for you. You need someone that has their things clear.”
Ava shakily exhaled shakily. “So what do I do now?”, she asked.
“What do you want to do?”, was Mary’s reply.
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Ava was lying on her bed, her phone pressed to her ear, nervously listening to ringing tone from inside her phone. It took a couple of nerve-wrecking seconds until the phone on the other end of the line was picked up.
“Hello?”
Her heart skipped a beat and then proceeded to beat even faster than it already had while she was trying to pluck up the courage to even make the call.
Damn, why did her voice have to be so attractive?
“Hey.”, Ava stuttered. “Hi.”
“Is everything alright? Did you forget something in Camila’s house?”. She sounded friendly, but also confused as to why Ava would be calling her.
“No. No, I didn’t forget anything.”, Ava quickly answered. There was a pause. Beatrice was clearly waiting for Ava to say something. And Ava wanted to, but she couldn’t form a coherent thought.
“Okay then....”, Beatrice broke the awkward silence. “Why are you…?”
“Do you want to meet for coffee sometime?”, Ava blurted out and instantly closed eyes shut.
There was another short silence at the other end of the line, before Ava heard Beatrice’s: “What?” She sounded a bit breathless.
Ava inhaled deeply. Be brave, she told herself. “Do you want to have coffee with me sometime?”, she repeated, louder and slower this time.
The next pause was filled with Ava’s heart beating so loudly she wasn’t sure if she had just not heard Beatrice’s answer.
But then she heard a sigh and a quiet, but clear: “What are you doing, Ava?” She didn’t sound angry, but tired.
“I just…”, Ava tried. “I just thought we could hang out and, I don’t know, talk.”
Another sigh. “We already talked, Ava. I really don’t think there is anything left to talk about and…”
“No, no, no”, Ava quickly interrupted her. She could tell Beatrice was getting upset and she mentally smacked herself for not being clear enough about what she meant. “I didn’t mean that kind of talking.”, she assured Beatrice. “I didn’t want to… I just meant a normal talk. About our lives. Just to, you know, get to know each other better.”
“Ava…”
“No, hear me out. Please.”, Ava pleaded.
Pause. Then a faint: “Okay.”
Ava took another deep breath. Don’t mess it up. Don’t mess it up. “We said we would be friends, right?”, she said and tried to make it sound as casual as possible. She did not want to overstep the clear boundaries that Beatrice had set. It wouldn’t be fair on her. “And friends meet up sometimes to hang out and talk, right?”
“We really don’t have to…”
“But I want to.”, Ava quickly stopped her. “I really meant it when I said I like you, Bea. I like hanging out with you. I like talking to you. And I would really like to know how you have been and what you have been up to these years.”
There was silence again and Ava desperately wanted to break it, but she kept the words trying to tumble out of her mouth inside with all the willpower she could muster. She was determined to give Beatrice the time she clearly needed to process Ava’s words and think about them.
“I don’t know, Ava.”, Beatrice finally said. “I am really busy with work at the moment.”
Ava felt the rejection like a punch in the stomach. “But the semester hasn’t even started, yet…”, she noted weakly.
“Well, I don’t just give classes, Ava.”, Beatrice replied. She didn’t sound defensive, but very serious. “I also work on projects at uni and right now I work as an advisor for a collaboration between our uni and a museum. During the week I barely get out of work before 6 or 7.”
Ava’s stomach dropped with every word. She got that Beatrice was busy. But she still got the feeling that Beatrice really didn’t want to meet up with her. “Okay, yeah, I get that. Sorry.”, she gave in with a defeated sigh. She wasn’t going to push Beatrice if she was clearly uncomfortable. “In case you have some free time at one point and want to meet up, just text me when you are free and…”
“I am usually free on Sunday mornings.”, Beatrice suddenly cut her off in a surprisingly determined voice, catching Ava totally off guard.
“Oh. Okay, yeah.”, she heard herself stammer. “I am… I am also free on Sunday mornings.”
A loud breath could be heard through the phone, and then a soft: “Okay. So?”
Ava took a quick look at the calendar hanging next to her bed. “Tomorrow is Sunday.”, she heard herself say, more as a realization than an offer.
“It is.”, was Beatrice’s simple answer. Ava was expecting her to add a reason why tomorrow was not a good Sunday to meet. She would understand. It was very short-notice. But no objections came.
“So… are you free tomorrow?”, Ava dared ask, suddenly feeling super nervous.
“I am.”
Ava felt her hands start to shake again and her heart pounding loudly. “So tomorrow?”, she breathed out.
The 3 seconds of hesitation on the other end of the line were among the longest Ava had ever experienced. “Okay, fine, yeah.”, Beatrice finally agreed. “We can meet up tomorrow. Just… text me the time and location.”
*****************************************************************************
When Ava hung up the phone, she could still feel her heart beating out of her chest. She wasn’t sure if she was more excited or more nervous, but the combination surely made her hands shake and her breathing go rugged. She got up from her bed and started pacing, her thoughts going wild. She had no clue what she was doing. She had not expected Beatrice to actually agree to meet her, let alone that soon. And now she suddenly felt completely out of her depth. She needed help figuring out what to do now.
“Mary! Shannon!”, she shouted and instantly winced at the panic in her voice. She heard fast-paced footsteps and a few seconds later they were entering her room in high alert and with matched worried faces.
“Ava?”, Shannon asked, giving her a concerned once-over. “What is going on?”
Ava took a quick breath, before quickly explaining: “Beatrice agreed to meet me for coffee tomorrow.”
Mary and Shannon just blinked at her, before they both relaxed. “Well. Good for you. It is obvious you really like her.”, Shannon said with a warm smile on her face. Ava just let out another shaky breath.
“Yeah, congratulations, babygirl.”, Mary agreed, though more grumpily. “But did you really need to give us both a heart attack with that feral scream of yours like you are in serious trouble?”
Ava threw up her hands in disbelief: “I am in serious trouble!”, she insisted. She definitely felt like she was going to faint any moment. “I don’t know what to do. I need you to help me find the perfect place to meet her!”
She was met with two pairs of equally amused and weirded out eyes.
“Okay…”, Shannon then started after a moment of silence. “What kind of place do you have in mind?”
“I don’t know. Something nice and chill.”, Ava breathed out, still jittering nervously.
Mary just looked at her in clear amusement. “You mean as chill as you are being about this right now?”, she drily asked.
She got hit by Shannon and by the pillow Ava threw at her nearly at the same time.
“Be nice.”, Shannon scolded her, while Ava just muttered an embarrassed: “Shut up.”
She would never admit it, but Shannon's calm understanding and Mary's teasing actually did help calming her nerves a bit. Of course she was still nervous, but she was also hopeful. Beatrice had agreed to meet up with and she would not mess it up again. Wherever their road would take them, Ava was going to make sure that Beatrice knew how much she meant to her.