Long distance
The cool night air hit her in its refreshing contrast to the dulling heat inside the location. It sobered her up quickly and helped clear her juggled thoughts a bit. She took a deep breath, willing her heart to slow down to a healthy pace again.
She had to leave. This was all too intense, too fast, too much. This was exactly the kind of situation she had sworn to avoid.
She knew her friends thought her 6-months staying single rule was stupid. Mary and Shannon thought it was stupid. Camila and Lilith thought it was stupid. Fuck, even her therapist thought it was stupid. But after she had finally managed to break free from her last relationship said therapist had asked Ava to think of something - a mantra, an action, a memory, a rule - that might help her not jump right into the next relationship again just to not feel so lonely and lost and uncared for. She had probably meant something along the lines of “You are also worthy of love without being in a relationship” or calling a friend whenever she got tempted or think of that amazing and freeing no-partners-allowed girls’ trip she went on with her friends once. But the only thing Ava had come up with that she really felt would help was this bet she made with herself. Stay single for at least 6 months, I dare you, Ava Silva. She knew it was stupid. But she also knew she was stubborn and if anything might stop her from falling back into old patterns, it was going to be her own stubbornness.
She heard steps approaching and already knew who it was without even needing to turn around. She sighed, preparing for what was surely going to be a scolding. She was right.
“What is wrong with you?”, Mary just asked her in exasperation. Ava turned around towards her, but was staring onto the floor. She could basically feel Mary’s gaze burning a whole into the side of her head but didn’t know what to say to that. Mary huffed loudly. “Girl, you just left her standing there after all of that?”
“I can’t do this.”, Ava muttered.
“Do what?”, Mary asked.
Ava signed again, finally looking up at Mary. “I just… I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.”, she said. It was at least partly true.
Mary just rose an eyebrow at Ava. “Which wrong idea?”, she then asked sarcastically. “That you are into her?”
Ava wanted to glare at her, but just manged a tired look. “No.”, she then relented, because really: even she wasn’t capable of lying to herself that much. There was really no denying that she was clearly very much into Beatrice. “That I am looking for something serious right now.”, she sincerely explained after a short pause.
“Ava, come on…”, Mary groaned and Ava already knew what was coming and quickly interrupted her, getting a bit frustrated with this conversation: “No, Mary. No! I worked hard to be where I am now.”, she reminded her friend. “I know you think my absolutely no dating for 6 months rule is stupid. But it is the one thing that is preventing me from making the same mistake I always make over and over again.”
Mary’s eyes softened a bit, but they still very clearly held the typical ‘you are being stubborn and irrational, Ava’ – look. “Ava, come on. We both know that this is…”
“Don’t say it, Mary.”, Ava cut her off again, more harshly this time. Mary immediately shut up, looking at her in clear worry and Ava already regretted lashing out at her friend. When she continued, she did so in a softer, but pleading tone: “Just… I just need you to support me here. Please.”
She heard Mary sigh, saw that she did not like the way this conversation had turned out one bit. But finally Mary nodded. “Okay, fine.”
And that should and could have been the end of it, had Ava’s brain and mouth not decided that they were not finished with this conversation: “You know what? I should probably go home. I think that’s for the best. This way, I will not be tempted to do anything stupid and…”
“Ava, stop…”, Mary tried, but Ava ignored her.
“No, this is a great idea. Probably the best idea I have had all night. This will solve all my problems, really. I will just take a taxi and…”
This time Mary groaned loudly. “Stop being ridiculous, for fucks sake!”, she cut Ava off in clear annoyance. “This is the wedding of two of your closest friends. You are not leaving just because you have a crush on…”
“I don’t have a crush on her.” The words sounded hollow even to her own ears, but maybe if she kept saying them, they would become true.
Mary just reacted with another groan. “Ava, seriously…” She could see in Mary’s face that her friend was losing her patience with her, but Ava was also on the brink of losing it here.
“Stop it, Mary!” There it was again, the frustration she had tried to keep down. “I will not give up all my progress, everything I have worked for, for someone I once very briefly knew 5 years ago, Mary. I won’t.” She heard her own voice crack more and more with every word.
Mary sighed and looked at her. “Noone is saying you should jump right into a relationship, Ava.” Her tone was soft and understanding. “I just said you should not avoid her and you make it sound like I suggested you U-Haul tomorrow and move in together.” She paused, then suddenly smirked and jokingly added: “Though that would solve your housing problem…”
Ava rolled her eyes. “Very funny, Mary.”, she drily commented, though her heart did jump at that. After a short moment of thinking, she added glumly: ”That wouldn’t be possible anyways. She doesn’t even live here.”
Mary eyed her curiously. “You mean here in the city?”
Ava inhaled deeply. “In the country.”, she then said. Mary rose an eyebrow at her, clearly asking for an elaboration, so Ava sighed and added: “She mainly lives in Spain. And then in the Yemen for a couple of weeks each year for work.”
She could detect the exact moment the words sank in. Mary furrowed her eyebrows. “How do you even know that if you haven’t seen her and haven’t talked with anyone about her in 5 years?”
Yeah, that.
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5 years ago – the next day
Ava had barely been able to sleep, too giddy and besotted from the previous. She had woken up way too early, lying in bed and replaying every moment with Beatrice in her head a million times. The honest and open conversations, the easy banter, the dancing, the kiss. Yeah, most of all the kiss. It made her smile stupidly every times she thought about it. She had kissed people before. But none of these kisses had kept her up all night.
She was dying to see Beatrice again. To talk to her again. It was probably a good thing she hadn’t gotten her number, because she surely would have bombarded the poor girl with messages and half-drunken confessions all night.
She had managed to keep it together until early afternoon. That was when she just couldn’t wait anymore. She had showered, had put on Beatrice’s jumper from the night before again and had made her way to Beatrice’s house.
When she was standing in front of Beatrice’s door, a wave of nervousness and insecurity hit her and she was seriously debating just leaving again. But then she had given herself a mental kick and rung the doorbell. The seconds until the door was opened had felt like minutes, leaving Ava nervously rock back and forth on her feet. When the door was finally opened slightly it revealed the face of a very sleepy and surprised Beatrice.
“Ava.”, she said softly and completely opened the door now. Beatrice had clearly just woken up. She was still in her pyjama’s and her hair was a mess. She looked so cute it made Ava’s heart swell.
“Hey.”, Ava shyly greeted the other woman. “I just… Sorry, did I wake you? I didn’t get your number yesterday and I still have your jumper and…”, she started rambling. She stopped, when a wide smile appeared on Beatrice’s face. She leaned her head a bit against the doorframe, eyeing Ava with a soft smile on her face.
“I was still sleeping.”, she admitted. “But I am glad you are here.”
That made Ava’s heart skip a beat and she grinned widely. “Do you want to go for breakfast with me?”, she then blurted out. “Or, well, okay, it is already past noon, so lunch. A late lunch? Or maybe you just want to sleep, I can understand, I will just leave you the jumper and…”
Beatrice just listened to her rambling for a while with a fond smile, until she finally decided to have mercy: “I would love to go and eat with you.”, she said sincerely and Ava could see a faint blush appearing on her face. “But I need some time to get ready.”, she then added gesturing towards her pyjamas.
“Oh. Yes. Sure. I will just wait outside and…”
“Absolutely not.”, Beatrice softly cut her off. “You can come in and wait here while I shower.”
“Okay.”, Ava agreed with a shy smile, before stepping inside. Beatrice motioned toward a small sofa in the corner of her living-room. "Just wait here. I won't be long.", she told her with a smile. Ava smiled back and for a moment they were just standing there, looking at each other with matching smiles on their faces. Ava was trying to figure out if now was a good moment to kiss her again or if it was too soon. Judging by the way Beatrice was biting her lip she was probably wondering the same. But none of them made a move, so Beatrice broke their eye-contact with a nervous clearing of her throat and a shy, but cute smile. "Well, I will just..." She pointed towards the bathroom and left. Ava looked after her, regretting not having kissed her. But she figured their would be more opportunities to do that later. A wide smile creeped onto her face at the thought of it.
She stood in the middle of the room for a moment longer, looking around, before going to the kitchen. She didn’t want to pry, but she was really thirsty, so she wanted to get a glass of water. While she was doing that, something lying on the small kitchen table caught her eye. It was the to do list she had written for Beatrice the day before. It made her smile. She took it into her hand and felt her heartbeat increase when she saw that Beatrice had crossed out her “kiss someone I like” point with a green pen.
When she wanted to put the list back, two other papers, that had been lying underneath the list, caught her eye. One was a pros and cons list, filled in with different coloured pens. The second one was a letter from a university in Spain. Even though she did feel a bit bad, her curiosity won out and she took the letter into her hand. After reading through the first sentences of the letter, it became clear that it was an acceptance letter for a doctorate programme for restorative and conservative architecture, which was about to start at the end of the semester holidays.
Ava felt her heart drop. Beatrice was going to Spain? She hadn’t said a single word.
She grabbed the other paper, the list. And suddenly the points made more sense. It was a pros and cons list for whether or not to accept the doctorate programme. There were the original points and some alteration, that had clearly been made recently with the green pen that was lying next to the paper.
The unaltered part of the list consisted of 6 pro aspects:
- It is my absolute dream job!
- I have worked hard to get into this programme
- I would earn my own money
- I would be living in other countries, get to know new cultures, their traditions, history, architectural style
- I would get to combine all three of my subjects
- I could finally be completely free of my parents’ plans for my life
The original con list had 3 points:
- I would have to leave my friends behind
- I wouldn’t know anyone and it is hard for me to make new friends
- I am scared
While all of these aspects left a mark in Ava’s heart, it was the alterations that really caught her attention and made her freeze. A seventh point on the con side had been crossed out by the green pen, but was still clearly readable. It said: Get over that silly crush of mine.
On the con-side, another point had been added instead. It said: I think she might like me back! And no one can tell me to suppress what I am feeling anymore. Noone can tell me that it is wrong!
It had been underlined twice.
Ava stood there and just stared at the paper in her hand, her heart beating loudly, singing and breaking at the same time. Because she understood. She understood what these words meant. She understood it all, everything suddenly becoming clear to her. The way Beatrice would freeze up and avert her gaze whenever Ava entered the library. The way she barely spoke a word to her even though Camila always swore that Beatrice did normally speak to people, even if just for polite small talk. The way she had stumbled over her own words that one time that had bumped into each other and then rushed away. The way she had sometimes smiled at Ava’s words, but always without looking at her. The way she had recently started to be more open, had started looking at her and talking more. The way she had just jumped in head-first yesterday, letting Ava pull her through a crazy night of letting their guards down.
Ava’s heart wanted to soar up and dance in happiness, wanted to just embrace it, wanted to let both of them fall into everything they were feeling and never stop.
But all these things stood on the wrong side of the list. Everything Ava wanted right now was a reason for Beatrice to not follow her dream. And as much as Ava wanted to just ignore it, pretend she hadn’t seen it and take Beatrice out on that late lunch-date she had just asked her for – she just couldn’t do it. She could not be the reason Beatrice gave up on something that clearly meant a lot to her.
So she made a decision. She grabbed the green pen and added another point to the pro-list: You are finally free to live your life. So live it.
She also added a small heart.
And then she left. And although she knew that she had done the right thing, you could still feel her hopeful heart break a bit in the process.
*********************************************************************************
The moment of pensive silence that had settled between them was broken, when Mary softly noted: “So she is that one for you, hm?”
“Which one?”, Ava muttered.
“Your one regret.”, Mary explained. “Your what if. Your one that got away.”
Nope, nope, nope, absolutely not, they were not stirring the conversation back to that topic. “That’s… That’s absolutely not what…”, Ava stuttered, then she inhaled sharply, gave Mary a warning look and continued: “My point is: I already broke her heart once. I can’t do that again.” There. Mary would surely understand that and let it go. But of course Mary had to be a pain in the ass again.
“Are you sure it is her heart you are worried about, babygirl?”, Mary asked with a pointed look. “Because I am pretty sure she is aware that she lives half-way across the globe. And she seems smart, so I am pretty sure she also knows what that means.”
Ava suddenly froze. Because yes, what Mary said did make total sense. But for some reason it hadn’t crossed Ava's mind before. And she should be relieved. Really. There was no misreading their interactions. There was absolutely no way Beatrice was expecting anything from her given the situation. So she should really be happy. But instead of lifting a weight of her heart, it made it heavier and left a somewhat bitter taste in her mouth. She swallowed it down, though, because really, what did she even want from this mess? It was better this way. It was easy, harmless, absolutely uncomplicated. Nothing could really go wrong. Actually, this was perfect!
“You know what?”, she exclaimed and decided to ignore Mary’s worried, sceptical look. “You are right. This is just a harmless flirt. Nothing serious, right?” If only she could convince her own heart of this. Mary did seem to want to say something to that, but Ava didn’t let her. Instead she just grabbed her jacket and walked back inside in determination. She was going to find Beatrice and just go with the flow.
There was no need to worry. It was just one night. One night, where everything could happen. No strings attached, no promises. And maybe Mary was right. Maybe they really just both needed to get whatever was going on between them out of their systems. (“That is not in any way what I said, Ava”, she could hear Mary’s scolding voice in her head, but she decided to ignore it.)
She could do this. If Beatrice could do casual and fleeting, so could she. Easy-peasy.