(Not) that kind of night (I)
She stood there watching Beatrice leave until Mary snapped her out of it. “Soo, Beatrice… That name came surprisingly quickly to your clearly short-circuited brain…”
“Shut up.”, Ava muttered, still trying to recover from that encounter. She gave her best to fake nonchalance, looking around the room for something to do that might distract Mary from the thousands of comments and questions she was clearly shuffling around on the tip of her tongue. She did not need to let Mary know that her head was still reeling and her heart was still beating loudly. “Oh look,”, she near shouted, when she spotted familiar faces in the crowd. “There are the others from uni…”
She started walking towards the group, but she should have known that this would not work. A strong hand grabbed her arm and stopped her before she could even complete her first step. “Oh no no no, babygirl. Hell no.”, Mary sternly said and pulled Ava back, forcing her to look at her face. Ava obliged with a heavy sign. “What was that?”, Mary asked with a piercing, but clearly entertained look.
“What was what?”, Ava asked innocently, but Mary’s stare just intensified. “Don’t play dumb with me Ava.”, she said in a warning tone. “You and Beatrice.”, she then clarified, a hint of smugness in her voice. Ava cursed her own heart for fluttering just at the mention of the woman’s name.
“That was nothing.”, she lied. “Just catching up with a friend.”
Mary rose an eyebrow at that. “You just told me you don’t even really know her.”
“Well, I don’t.”, Ava insisted.
“But you were friends?”, Mary digged deeper, clearly not buying any of this. Ava couldn’t blame her.
Still, she decided that playing dumb was for the best. She often did and it rarely was, but that didn’t stop her trying. “Yeah..?”
Mary gave her an incredulous, highly amused look. “Seriously, girl? Make up your mind. You are not making any sense.”
Ava sighed. “Why does it matter?”
That softened Mary a bit, though she still had that teasing look on her face. “Because I don’t remember the last time I saw you that starstruck.”
Ava felt herself blush. “I’m not… I didn’t… I did not look like that.”, she insisted.
Mary just fixed her with an unimpressed stare. “You didn’t see yourself, babygirl.”, she deadpanned.
Fuck off, Ava wanted to answer, but instead she found herself saying something entirely different: “It doesn’t matter. We knew each other a long time ago. We haven’t spoken in 5 years.” Not a single word.
“But something clearly happened between you two.”, Mary pointed out and crossed her arm. “A blind person could see that and I am not blind.”
Ava groaned loudly. “It’s nothing. We just spoke a couple of times, that’s it.”
“That’s clearly not it.” Goddamn, why was Mary so damn stubborn?
“Okay, fine.”, she hissed. “Once, just once, we had a pretty awesome night together.”
Mary blinked at her. “Must have been one hell of a night.”, she then said with raised eyebrows and a huge grin on her face. If Mary wasn’t too damn cool for such childishness, Ava was sure she would have wiggled her eyebrows.
Ava rolled her eyes and groaned again. “Not that kind of night, asshole.”, she muttered.
Mary’s grin turned into a curious, but still teasing smile. “Oh. Then it definitely must have been one hell of a night.”, she concluded. “So spill.”
.
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She wasn’t lying when she said she barely knew Beatrice. But then again, it wasn’t really the truth either.
During her university years she had never really spent any time with Beatrice. She did know her. Kind of. She knew that she was one of Camila’s friends and study partners and she had seen her a handful of times in the library with Camila, when she picked up the latter to go out together. But they had barely interacted with each other.
Whenever Ava saw Beatrice, the other woman seemed very shy and reserved and painfully introverted. She wouldn’t talk past an occasional short hello and goodbye, never really making eye contact. And Ava hadn't really paid the quiet girl any mind. She did sometimes wonder what her deal was and if there was more to her than met the eye, but these thoughts were fleeting. The two of them did not run in the same circles. Ava was more of a social butterfly, an enjoy-life, party all night and search for adventures type of girl at uni, while Beatrice seemed to take her studies very seriously, spending most of her time in class or in the library, never really socializing outside her few friends. Their only connection point was Camila, who seemed to be able to effortlessly wander between both worlds.
There were only two instances that Ava could remember hearing Beatrice say more than one word to her.
One was when Ava went to the library to pick up Camila one day as emotional support for an oral exam she was very nervous about. Beatrice had seemed very focussed on whatever book she was reading, not even bothering with a hello. But when Ava turned to leave the library she heard a quiet, but clearly audible “Good luck.”. She had been so surprised that she had looked around to make sure that Beatrice hadn’t been talking to someone else, but found the other woman looking at her, before averting her gaze shyly and with a hint of nervousness.
“Oh, thanks.”, Ava had answered perplexedly and then, somehow intrigued by Beatrice's unfamiliar openness, she had jokingly added: “I definitely need it.” Beatrice had looked up at her with a small, careful smile and Ava found herself suddenly feeling nervous, especially when she didn’t get a reply. So she nodded at the other girl and awkwardly added: “Well, have fun… studying.” Beatrice had nodded back and turned back to her book, but Ava had detected the hint of a smile still on her lips.
Ava had thought about this interaction for longer than she cared to admit. For some weeks afterwards she had tried to get Beatrice to talk to her again, but the girl had gone back to hyper-focussing on her books whenever Ava saw her. So Ava had eventually given up. She wasn’t someone to dwell long on people or interactions that were not an active part of her life and so Beatrice had remained the unapproachable, quiet, studious friend of Camila's that she only ever saw occasionally in the library.
The second time Beatrice said more than one word to her was when Ava bumped into Beatrice – literally bumped into her – on the way to the cafeteria. She had never seen the young woman outside the library and nearly hadn’t recognized her without her nose in a book. It had taken her an embarrassingly long time of Beatrice non-stop apologizing profoundly to snap out of her stupor.
“It’s fine, Beatrice. Really.”, she had said, putting a comforting hand on Beatrice’s arm to stop her from twitching. She was surprised to see Beatrice freeze instantly and quickly removed her hand. She briefly wondered if Beatrice didn’t like to be touched or if she just felt awkward, because maybe she didn’t know her name. Because, why would she. She probably didn’t, right?
“Well, I have to get going.”, Ava had lied.
Beatrice had nodded and had mumbled a soft “Bye, Ava.” before turning around to leave. So that answered that question.
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When Ava’s third year of university came to an end, she had so many exams to prepare, that she didn’t have time for coffee dates or hang-outs with Camila – and consequently she didn’t see Beatrice at all. Because no way in hell was she going to study in the library, where her constant shuffling, her urge to move around and talk would only ever draw angry stares.
So that had been it, the last day of exams had ended and Ava and her friends had decided to celebrate their momentary freedom by meeting up in their favourite bar before most of them went home for summer break. Camila had casually told them that she was going to bring a friend and Ava hadn’t questioned it, because Camila had a lot of friends. Everyone liked her. Even Lilith. And that was saying something.
So when Camila finally arrived, Ava instantly stopped whatever she was doing in that moment, too perplexed to see her accompanied by Beatrice – the girl that according to Camilla had never set a foot into a bar or club in her life.
Ava still stood there dumbfounded when Camila came running to her and engulfed her into a hug, before moving on to the others. And suddenly Beatrice was standing in front of her, dressed in black jeans and a short-sleeved white shirt, both hands in her pockets.
“Hey, Ava.”, she said with a smile. It was the first time Ava ever saw her smile without looking tense or like something was holding her back. It was an open, warm smile, still a bit shy, but without restraint. It was a beautiful sight that had Ava spellbound for a moment, before she found her words again.
“Heyyyy.” She tried not to sound as tipsy as she was, but judging from Beatrice’s amused smile she did not succeed very well. “Since when do you go to parties?” Great, very smooth, Ava, she scolded herself. She did have a habit of speaking before thinking and being drunk definitely did not give her a better filter.
Luckily, Lilith saved her the embarrassment of trying to rectify this disaster of a first conversation. She lazily threw one arm around Beatrice’s shoulder, surprising both Beatrice and the rest of their friends, and loudly announced: “Today we are celebrating Beatrice finally standing up to and cutting contact with her controlling, homophobic parents.”
Ava just blinked. Damn, Lilith was even more drunk than her. Beatrice reacted with a tired smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes and a shrug that lacked the nonchalance it was probably supposed to convey.
Camila send a warning look in Lilith’s direction and a warm smile in Beatrice’s. “We are so proud of you, Bea.”, she said softly. “Really!”
“Thanks.”, Beatrice answered quietly and with a grateful smile.
Ava saw a uncomfortable silence coming and her intoxicated brain decided to make sure it never reached them by immediately adding: “Okay, I admit that I feel like I am missing half of the story here, but you are a badass, Beatrice. We should drink to that!” And with that she dragged Beatrice towards the bar. The other woman looked positively shell-shocked, but did not protest and followed Ava willingly, the others close behind.
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About an hour later that same evening Ava found Beatrice outside on a park bench around the corner of the entrance of the bar. She hadn’t specifically been looking for the other woman, she had really just wanted to get some fresh air, but she had also realized that Beatrice had disappeared quite some time ago and couldn’t help but worry.
“Hey. Are you okay?”, she carefully asked.
Beatrice, clearly startled, whipped her head around to look at Ava. The sun was already setting and she was still at some distance from Beatrice, but Ava could still see her red, puffy eyes.
“Yeah. I’m fine.”, Beatrice answered with a forced smile. “Just needed some fresh air.”
“Okay…” A heavy silence settled between them and Ava was unsure what to do. She didn’t deal well with silences. Or sadness. They were both things she always tried to avoid like the plague by drowning them out with jokes and fun and new adventures. She was rocking back and forth on her feet, trying to find something to say. “Okay, I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that you are not actually fine. I mean, you are at a party, you should be in there, dancing and drinking and having fun. Instead you are out here, alone. Crying.”
Beatrice’s hollow laughter made her instantly shut up. “Are you always this insensitive?” There was a sharp edge to Beatrice’s voice. It didn’t seem to fit the picture of the broken, crying girl Ava had just seen. But she understood. She was no stranger to covering up her truest emotions. She did it all the time, just differently.
“Yeah, it's one of my many charming qualities.”, she joked. Yeah, like that for example. Beatrice just rose an eyebrow at that and huffed quietly.
Ava inhaled deeply, then took some careful steps forward and sat down next to Beatrice on the bench. “I am sorry.”, she said sincerely.
A small smile appeared on Beatrice’s face, though she didn’t look at Ava, instead kept her eyes on the floor. “Thank you.”
They were both quiet for a while and Ava managed to bear it for significantly longer this time, before she broke: “You know you can tell me to fuck off, if you want. I mean, I have already spectacularly demonstrated how much I suck at comforting people.” She heard a quiet chuckle next to her that warmed her heart. “But, ehm, you seemed sad and pensive all night and I just wanted to let you know that I noticed. And that you don’t have to be alone with this. Unless you want to be. Then I will just turn around and leave and we can just pretend this conversation never happened. I wouldn’t be mad at you, I would totally understand, really.”
There was no answer for a couple of seconds and Ava was already about to get up and leave, when Beatrice’s voice stopped her: “It’s fine. I don’t mind. I would actually appreciate the company.”
So Ava leaned back again, hoping for Beatrice to say more, but she didn’t.
“Okay. Great.”, Ava nervously said. “I will try not to disturb your brooding.” She could have slapped herself. She didn’t even need Beatrice’s loud and exasperated huff to realize that she had said the wrong thing. Again.
“Sorry. Sorry. I say stupid things when I am nervous.”, she admitted, restlessly picking at some splinters of the bench beneath her.
“Why would you be nervous?” Ava swallowed and looked up, just to be met by Beatrice’s warm eyes, looking at her with honest confusion.
“Because… I don’t know.” Because you are mysterious and hard to read, but I can still see the pain in your eyes clear as day. Because I want to make you smile again and I don’t know how to. Because I was not expecting you here. Because for some stupid reason I want you to like me and I seem to be messing up. Because you are like, really really pretty. “Because silences make me nervous.” At least it wasn’t a lie.
“Talking makes me nervous sometimes.”, Beatrice softly confessed. Ava just nodded. She understood. So she waited. She counted to ten in her head. And then to twenty. And to thirty. And when she had nearly reached fifty, Beatrice finally spoke in a small voice: “It’s weird. I am finally free of them. Free of their expectations, their judgment, their rules. But for some reason their words still haunt me. Like they are engraved into my soul.”
Ava had shuffled around and turned herself towards Beatrice, one leg casually rested on the bench, during her confession. Beatrice sat still, her eyes were glued to the floor.
Ava debated whether to reach out and touch the hand that was nervously twitching, but didn’t want to cross any boundaries. “They won’t haunt you forever. Believe me.”, she assured Beatrice instead. “Just know that whatever they said to you, whatever they did make you feel that way – they were wrong. You are beautiful, don’t you ever doubt that.” At the word beautiful Beatrice had finally looked up and into Ava’s eyes, looking both vulnerable and grateful. They held each others gaze for a moment, before Beatrice averted hers with a clearing of her throat.
“What would you like to do then?", Ava asked.
"Hm?", Beatrice asked.
"You said you are free now. What would you like to do with that freedom now?", Ava clarified.
Beatrice seemed deep in thought for a moment. “I don't know exactly.", she then admitted. "I have spent my whole life following their planned out path for me, following all of their rules, that without them I feel a bit lost sometimes." She paused for a moment, before adding with a sure smile: "But I am getting there."
Ava grinned. “Well, the time for new crazy adventures is now.”
Beatrice huffed in response, but it sounded more amused than annoyed. “You make it sound like I ever had crazy adventures.”
Ava tilted her head. “Haven’t you?”, she asked.
Beatrice chuckled to herself and gave Ava a short, amused look. “You know, Camila, Lilith and Dora forced me to play Never Have I Ever with them the other night.”, she told her and then continued with a shy grin: “I ended up completely sober. That's how boring my life has been so far.”
“I don’t think it sounds boring.”, Ava was quick to reply. “Just hard. And like you didn’t get to have a lot of fun.”
Beatrice sighed. “Yeah, that sounds painfully accurate.”, she said, but she smiled a bit and seemed like some of the heaviness on her heart had lifted.
It made Ava smile back at her and then suddenly she had a silly idea: “You know, you should play the game with reversed rules.”, she suggested.
“Reversed rules?”
“Yeah. Like, I say something crazy I have done and you drink when you haven’t done it.”, Ava explained. She actually found that a brilliant idea, especially when she heard Beatrice laugh a bit. “Yeah, that would probably get me drunk very quickly.”
Hearing Beatrice laugh, even just for a second, made Ava grin proudly. “Okay, so let’s do it then.”, she decided.
“Wait, now?”, Beatrice asked perplexedly.
“Yes!", Ava grinned. "No time like the present, right?”
Beatrice hesitated. “Okay, fine.”, she then gave in with a soft smile.
Ava’s grin got impossibly wider. “Great. Wait for me here, I am going to get us drinks.”, she rambled excitedly and without a further word, she jumped up and started jogging towards the bar.